Super Bowl Party? Nope! I've Got Kids

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by: Steven Auger
When you've got kids, watching the Super Bowl is enough of a challenge, never mind hosting a party.
Super Bowl Party? Forget It. You Have Kids

Arguably the biggest party of the year, the Super Bowl serves as a nice one-day break in the dead of winter. Yup, that one Sunday in early February makes winter mildly tolerable.

You get up early and hit the gym hard. You’re torching calories in anticipation of the succulent spread you’ll be feasting on later that night. Then it’s off to the grocery store for steaks and shrimp, beer, chips and salsa; basically all the essentials that translate into good eats for you and your buddies. You can't wait to rev up the TV and hunker down on the couch with a beer as you desperately cheer for the squares you bought in the office pool. One more stop before……

*scratching record sound*

Wait, you think THAT’S how you’ll be spending Super Bowl Sunday?!?!?!  O-M-G, that’s A-Dorable!!!!

Reminder…..YOU.HAVE.KIDS!

Let’s see how you’ll ACTUALLY spend the day leading up to The Big Game…

Game Prep

Just try picking up supplies with kids in tow.

Sure, you’re hitting the grocery store, but you’ve got two travel companions under the age of six in tow. And they both want to sit in the carriage seat. Despite the fact that he’s too big, your 5-year-old throws a professional-grade tantrum after losing the seat to your 3-year-old. You haven’t even put a dozen eggs in the carriage yet and you’re already sporting that glazed-eye look.

Early afternoon is nap time. Your 3-year old, however, has other plans. Lovely. He should be sufficiently cranky come the end of the day. The older boy, bless his scheming heart, hasn’t forgotten Carriage-Gate of a few hours ago, so, he turns their play room into a walking toy-obstacle course. And, like clockwork, you step on a random block. Good times!!!

Kickoff Approaches

Whose great idea was it to schedule kickoff for dinnertime?

With lunches for daycare and school finished, dinnertime beckons. But, so does the 6:30 kickoff.

*Kickoff, kid’s dinner. Kickoff, kid’s dinner. Kickoff, kid’s dinner. Aaarrrrrrrrrgghhhhh, kid’s dinner it is!!!*

You’re a savvy veteran when it comes to dinner prep so you summon your superhero powers and spring into action. Fresh-cut watermelon lives in the fridge, you nuke two packets of instant oatmeal, a pot of mac and cheese boils on the stove, you top off each plate with a dollop of peanut butter, and pour two glasses of chocolate milk.

Do these kids know how lucky they are to have you??? Of course not! Two meals fit for two kings. That is, until the 3-year-old refuses to surrender the iPad. Blippi videos again. You’re not having this, no way! So you take the iPad from Captain No Nap and start counting to three. Here it comes…

He throws himself onto the floor in an obvious attempt to outdo his brother’s supermarket meltdown from earlier. Speaking of the older boy, he’s standing over lil’ brother lecturing him about listening to mommy and daddy – pot, meet kettle. You shoot him The Look; which has no effect because, well, he’s five.

Three arduous minutes later, they’re both in their chairs barely touching dinner. Except for the chocolate milk. They sucked that down before their butts had fully settled into the seats. The only thing missing is for the two of them to break into a chorus of “meatloaf, meatloaf, double beetloaf!” Ugh, the last half hour has made you wonder if you should’ve stuck with just dogs.

The First Quarter

Kickoff at dinnertime means the first quarter at bath time.

Exasperated, you pull the plug on dinner and usher them upstairs for bath time. Catching a quick glance of the TV, you realize you’ve missed the entire first quarter. You catch the score, pull out your pool sheet to see if you won.

Aaaaaand...no dice.

To make matters worse, your boss won the first quarter. That’s $100 right in his pocket. Well, you can still get the boys bathed and in bed before halftime. Maybe.

Mercifully, bath time is uneventful. Other than an eye-splashing incident, but that qualifies as uneventful. Teeth brushed, jammies on, one story each, hugs and kisses, and lights out.

Done!

You rush downstairs just in time to see the ball sail through the uprights from 55 yards away as the second quarter clock expires. You pull your pool sheet from your pocket and realize that stinkin’ field goal cost YOU $100.00!

The Halftime Show

Well, at least you can watch the halftime show, right?....right?

To salvage the game you grab the rest of the mac and cheese, park it on the couch, put your feet up, and dig in. Finally, a moment’s peace. Until you hear it.

“I have to pee!”

You return a few minutes later and realize the ONE song you wanted to see was performed when you were upstairs.

“I’m thirsty!!!”

You and your spouse shoot a round of rock-paper-scissors to see who handles this “emergency.” Your rock was covered with paper so upstairs you go. Again.

And with the conclusion of the halftime show – of which you saw roughly 10 minutes – you opt to turn in for the night despite the second half of a 17-14 game set to start.

Bedtime

New Year's Eve was an early night, why should the Super Bowl be any different?

Wait, what? You’re not staying up??? Uhm, no. Monday is a work day, the kids will be up early, and you don’t feel like looking the part of the Zombie Apocalypse due to a lack of sleep.

Besides, you called it a night around 9:30 on New Year’s Eve, so why should the Super Bowl be the exception?

After all, You. Have. Kids.

Now just remember to set the DVR to record This Is Us.

If you are lucky enough to be hosting a Super Bowl party -- or if you're just looking for something besides mac and cheese to eat, check out our 4 easy Super Bowl recipes.