Breaking Out of Your Relationship Rut

Put the excitement back into your relationship.

happy couple enjoying quality time together

If your life isn't going the way you want it to, it may just be time to reevaluate things.

You have to be objective about the situation. Begin by being honest with yourself about your own role in the relationship. After all, you're not the only one with fantasies that aren't being fulfilled.

Sweats and t-shirts may be comfortable and functional, but they won't get us on the cover of any magazines. We may find ourselves in a rut and could be just as boring to our husbands as they are to us.

Consider making a change in your routine. Even if this is simply a night of dressing up or attending a lecture, anything that says “You are special. I want to be with you.” is a good thing for the relationship.

Here are some things you can do to change your relationship routine:

  • Make a date for a trip to a “no-tell” motel.
  • Get away for a weekend alone and agree not to talk about the kids.
  • Attend a lecture that is not above either of your heads and that will give you something new to talk about.
  • Turn off the television for at least an hour at night.
  • Take long walks alone together.
  • Talk about the early days of your relationship.
  • Talk about dreams and goals for the future and do not laugh at or belittle each other's fantasies.
  • Spend an evening kissing each other with no sex allowed.
  • Ask questions of each other and listen to the answers. Sometimes couples need to become reacquainted.
  • Think of five things you like about each other and repeat them to yourselves when you feel restless.
  • Write a list of what you love about your husband and give it to him. Reinforce what he does right.

Mom Alert!

Now you have children, bills, plugged toilets, and too many things to do. If you're not careful, you may have a marriage where no one shows up. At the end of the day, you may not even have the enthusiasm to have a good argument.

Take a Reality Check

Some of your efforts at breaking your routine may feel artificial, but they will go a long way towards preventing you from becoming hypercritical of your marriage. If the marriage becomes a monster of infinite proportions, you will find yourself in an endless cycle of frustration.

It may seem as though it would be fun to get back into the single world after you have heard all your husband's jokes for the hundredth time, but its really not worth the backlash of breaking up a family. It can be very lonely outside the safe world of the ordinary, and it is never going to be easy for your children.

Just a Phase?

If you can weather this boredom and familiarity phase with your husband, you just might find yourself coming out on the other side of it with new resolve and a refreshing new relationship.

Treat it as a period of renegotiation. When you have been together for a while your needs change. Instead of using these changes to tear down what already exists and moving on to something or someone else, you can tear down what is obsolete and create something new together. This will usher in a new phase of love that provides security for your children and creates a solid foundation for you. It requires effort to do this, of course, but in the end it is all a question of attitude. You need a sense of acceptance of each other to find this level of intimacy.