We have taken all the inappropriate clothing, music, and goodies away. She is searched daily before leaving the house and, yet, continues to steal. Now she has begun ditching school and, when confronted about it, seems flip and non-caring about the consequences. My husband and I have appointments for therapy for all of us, but he feels she is just in a phase. Any punishment we set, he will end within a day or two, saying that she "seems" to be acting better. Within a week, we have a new issue to deal with.
Now, with everything else, she is beginning to let her personal hygiene fall by the wayside. What more can we do?
This behavior is hardly a "phase" that kids her age go through. She's a time bomb that keeps on ticking, unable and unwilling to stop her risky misbehavior. She needs serious professional help now and so do you and your husband. Your priority should be to get her evaluated for treatment and into intensive treatment with professionals who have dealt with troubled, defiant, and oppositional children of her age.
There are clearly deep-rooted causes for this young girl's outrageous and dangerous behaviors. Your husband must see this as a crisis situation or else face the possibility that she may seriously harm someone or herself the next time she engages in a dangerous act.
Please keep a watchful eye on your 3-year-old when your 11-year-old is near her. Understand this -- she can't stop and won't stop behaving like this on her own. That's what she is screaming to you with every additional misdeed she commits. An intervention must take place. She needs to be saved from herself and you need talented, experienced professional help to do that. I wish you the best in getting her and you the help that is needed.