Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
The plot: Martians kidnap Santa and bring him to Mars. He, in turn, brings Christmas cheer to the children of Mars. Chances are that you won't run across this charmless and downright bizarre 1964 movie in your local video store -- but if you ever do, run far, far away.
Jingle All the Way
This 1996 movie stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as a father who is late to his son's karate class. To placate the boy, he promises to get him a "Turbo Man" for Christmas. Let's just stop right there. Late to a karate class? Come on! Arnold spends the rest of the film in hapless search of the toy. This movie celebrates a lifestyle wherein kids are both privileged and spoiled. And needless to say, Arnold and comedy go together like oil and water.
This 1994 movie stars Denis Leary, Judy Davis, and Kevin Spacey. With that cast it should have been smart and funny -- but eating a whole fruitcake would be preferable to watching this film. Leary plays a burglar who robs the ritzy Connecticut home of Davis and Spacey. Then he -- and the audience -- has to listen to them bicker and fight with other family members who come home for the holidays. Unless you want to hear two hours of non-witty family dysfunction, this movie is a must-not see.
Once upon a time, someone somewhere thought that this 1988 remake of A Christmas Carol, starring Bill Murray, would be box-office gold. This Charles Dickens tale really isn't a comedy and even the talents of Murray, Carol Kane, and Robert Mitchum can't make it one. To make things worse, it also stars Bobcat Goldthwait.
The Santa Clause
Let's start with the premise: A divorced, toy-company executive accidentally kills Santa and has to take his place. Kills Santa. Those two words should not be in the same sentence. Plus, it stars Tim Allen -- so it can't even be redeemed by a good actor who rises above the material. Although this 1994 film is meant to be a family movie, you can find much better ones for the holidays.