Dr. Ana Aznar
Table of contents
In our Ask Dr Ana series, Dr. Ana Aznar answers real questions from parents with practical, evidence-based advice. Dr. Ana Aznar is the founder of REC Parenting and a psychologist who specialises in parenting, family relationships, and children's socioemotional development.
Parent's Question
"Honestly, the behaviour issues at our house are exhausting me. I feel like I'm always saying 'no' or dealing with meltdowns. Are there better ways to handle this that don't leave everyone frustrated and upset?"
Dr Ana's Answer
This is a very common concern among parents.
Of course, every family situation is different, and I would need to know more about your specific circumstances to offer tailored advice. However, there is one strategy that can make a significant difference in many homes: focusing more attention on positive behaviour.
As parents, it is easy to become focused on the things our children are doing wrong. We notice the arguments, the tantrums, the forgotten chores, and the behaviours we want to stop.
What often gets overlooked are the moments when children are doing exactly what we want them to do.
This matters because children respond very well to positive reinforcement.
Focus on the Behaviours You Want to See More Of
Positive reinforcement means noticing and acknowledging desirable behaviours when they happen.
For example:
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"You made your bed so well. Brilliant."
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"You remembered to brush your teeth. Well done."
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"Thank you for putting your shoes away without being asked."
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"I noticed how kindly you spoke to your sister."
When we praise children in this way, we are helping them understand exactly which behaviours are valued.
The more specific the praise, the more effective it tends to be.
Why Positive Reinforcement Works
Children want connection with their parents. They want to feel noticed and appreciated.
When positive behaviours receive attention, children are more likely to repeat them.
This does not mean ignoring challenging behaviour altogether. Boundaries and consequences are still important. However, many parents find that shifting some of their focus towards positive behaviours helps reduce conflict and encourages cooperation.
Small changes in how we respond can often lead to big changes over time.
Avoid Empty Praise
It is important to distinguish positive reinforcement from general compliments.
Comments such as:
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"You're so clever."
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"You're the best."
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"You're the prettiest."
may feel nice in the moment, but they do not tell children what they actually did well.
Instead, focus on praising actions, effort, choices, and behaviours.
For example:
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"You worked really hard on that homework."
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"You kept trying even when it was difficult."
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"You remembered to tidy up your toys."
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"You were very patient while waiting your turn."
This helps children understand which behaviours are worth repeating.
Catch Your Child Being Good
Many parents find it helpful to ask themselves a simple question throughout the day:
"What is my child doing right?"
The goal is not to praise every single thing your child does. Instead, look for opportunities to acknowledge positive choices, effort, kindness, responsibility, and cooperation.
When children feel noticed for their positive behaviour, family life often becomes less focused on correction and conflict.
How Positive Reinforcement Can Reduce Family Stress
If you feel like you spend most of your day saying "no," you are not alone.
Positive reinforcement helps shift the focus away from constant correction and towards teaching the behaviours you want to encourage.
Over time, this can help create a calmer atmosphere at home and strengthen the parent-child relationship.
Dr Ana Aznar's Parenting Expertise
Dr. Ana Aznar has a BA in Psychology from The Open University, UK, an MSc in Applied Child Psychology from Kingston University, UK, and a PhD in Developmental Psychology from Kingston University, UK. She conducts research on parenting, family relationships, and children's socioemotional development.
Positive Reinforcement FAQs
What is positive reinforcement?
Positive reinforcement involves recognising and praising behaviours you would like your child to repeat. This increases the likelihood of those behaviours happening again.
Does positive reinforcement work better than punishment?
Research shows that children often respond well to positive reinforcement because it teaches them what to do rather than focusing only on what not to do.
Should I praise my child all the time?
No. Effective praise should be genuine and specific. Focus on meaningful behaviours, effort, kindness, responsibility, and positive choices.
What is the difference between praise and positive reinforcement?
Positive reinforcement focuses on specific actions or behaviours. General praise often focuses on personal traits without explaining what the child did well.
Will positive reinforcement stop tantrums and meltdowns?
Not necessarily on its own. However, it can improve cooperation, strengthen relationships, and reduce some behaviour challenges by encouraging positive habits over time.
Do you have any parenting questions for our parenting coach and expert, Dr. Ana Aznar? Ask for free today!
