Dr. Ana Aznar
Table of contents
Dealing with a child’s aggressive outbursts can be overwhelming, so Dr. Ana Aznar provides expert advice on setting boundaries, helping children regulate their emotions, and creating a consistent routine to manage challenging behavior.
My 7-Year-Old Is Out of Control. What Do I Do?
Question: “My 7-year-old is out of control—she is borderline abusive to me with her words, and she also smacks me when I get too close, and she's angry, even when I'm trying to help her or even just hand her a tissue. Last week, she punched at me when I just tried to walk past her out of the room to let everything settle and give space (she was right by the doorway, and I tried to skirt around but was too close still, I guess). What do I do?”
Dr. Ana’s Expert Answer
I am so sorry to hear this. It must be very tough for you. First of all, let me tell you that your daughter is having trouble self-regulating. She is not violent or nasty. What you need to do is set up a clear behaviour strategy around her.
Set Clear Boundaries and Consequences
You must make it clear that any kind of violent behaviour is unacceptable. Tell her that every time she is violent, there will be a consequence. The consequence can be taking a privilege away for a period. I don’t know what she likes, but it could be taking her tablet away for three days or not having playdates for a week. Or the consequence could be forcing her to do something, like taking the bins out every evening for a week or laying the table for a week. The key here is to be very consistent: there must be a consequence every single time she gets violent.
Remain Calm and Avoid Reasoning During an Outburst
Do not be scared or anxious around her when she becomes violent because sensing your anxiety may make her become more anxious and cause her violent behaviour to escalate. So, as difficult as you may find it, try to keep calm no matter what she does. Do not try to reason with her while she is in the middle of an angry outburst because she simply cannot focus on what you are saying when she is so dysregulated.
Teach Emotional Regulation Skills
At the same time, you need to help her learn to regulate her emotions. Once the angry outburst has passed, you tell her that it is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to hit others. Then you need to give her alternatives: instead of hitting when you feel angry, what can you do? You could count to 10 while you calm down, you could go outside and run around in the garden, or you could close your fists tightly. You can work with her to find out which strategy works best for her.
Ensure Consistency and a Stable Routine
It is important that everyone that cares for your daughter (father, grandparents, babysitters) follow this same approach. Consistency is very important. It is also important that she has a consistent routine: she should get enough hours or sleep, follow a healthy diet, spend time outdoors, play sports, and see friends and family. Tell her that you are going to always love her no matter what. That you are always going to be by her side.
When to Seek Professional Help
Whereas it is not developmentally unusual for children to be violent at times, if she does not manage to regulate her angry outbursts, it may be a good idea to talk to her paediatrician in case there is something else going on. I would also talk to her teacher to see how she is behaving at school: is she having violent outbursts also in school? Is her academic achievement OK? Does she have friends and get on well with other children? If at school she is behaving OK, it suggests that she is able to regulate herself.
Finally, do not forget to take care of yourself. You are going through a difficult situation, and it is important that you feel strong to deal with it. I hope this information helps, and I wish you all the very best.
Related articles:
- How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
- Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
- Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Love,
Ana
How Do I Deal With My Child's Aggression?
To manage your child's aggression, it's vital to set clear boundaries and establish consistent consequences for violent behavior. Remain calm during their outbursts, as your anxiety can escalate the situation. After they’ve calmed down, teach them healthy ways to express anger, like counting to ten or physical activity. Ensure all caregivers follow the same approach for consistency.
What Are Signs of Dysregulation in a 7-Year-Old?
Signs of emotional dysregulation in a 7-year-old can include intense mood swings, verbal abuse, and physical aggression like hitting or punching when angry or frustrated. They may struggle to calm down and be unable to listen to reason during an outburst. This behavior indicates they are having trouble managing their emotions, not that they are intentionally malicious.
How Do I Discipline My 7-Year-Old Without Yelling?
Discipline your 7-year-old by calmly enforcing pre-established consequences for unacceptable behavior, such as temporarily removing a privilege like screen time. Avoid reasoning with them during an outburst. Once they are calm, discuss why their behavior was not okay and provide alternative ways to handle big feelings. Consistently applying these strategies is more effective than yelling.
For more information, check out these popular topics:
- Why Won’t My 2-Year-Old Sleep Through the Night?
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- When Do Babies Start Talking and Understanding Words?
Do you have any parenting questions for our parenting coach and expert, Dr. Ana Aznar? Ask for free today!
