Talking to Kids and Teens About Consent

Some of the hallmark tasks of childhood and adolescence are to form a sense of identity and to build and maintain relationships with peers. These relationships start off initially as friendships and, over time, we develop sexual relationships. It is important to talk to kids and adolescents about sexual consent because it is an essential aspect of healthy relationships, personal safety, and sexuality.

Consent is a dynamic decision made by a person to participate in an action or undertaking, based on their understanding of its nature, potential benefits, possible risks, or available alternatives. Sexual consent pertains to sexual activities and is an essential aspect of healthy and positive sexual relationships. Dynamic conversations about what we like, what we want and/or don’t want, regarding our shared sexual activities, help to show respect for oneself and one’s partner. They also ensure we are engaging in mutually beneficial and enjoyable activities. It is essential to have these conversations in a dynamic, evolving, and developmentally appropriate manner, specifically, having talks that are suitable for your children’s age and stage as they grow and develop.

In order to lay the groundwork for our kids to have a healthy relationship with their own bodies and sexuality, it is important to start having these conversations early on, and then, as they mature, to help them develop healthy boundaries and respect for those with whom they engage in sexual activities. Remember, there is no “one talk”, but rather a series of ongoing conversations that shift and change as your child’s needs and development do. Discussing sexual consent with children and youth can be complex and anxiety-producing for adults. Nevertheless, it is important that we do so to ensure we are able to support them while they do the hard work of growing up.

Here are some general ideas to keep in mind based on developmental psychological perspectives. 

Preschool-Age Children (Ages 3-6)

Preschool children are developing their understanding of their bodies, how they work, and how they are the same or different from others close to them (i.e., parents, siblings). Conversations about consent at this age really help to lay the groundwork for future discussions by teaching kids about their personal boundaries and how to consider, ask about, and respect others’ boundaries. When a child at this age says “no”, “stop”, or “I don’t like that at all”, respect their wishes. This will teach them that this is an important way to communicate their boundaries, and you can cheerlead this newfound ability.

At this age, you can begin to teach kids to ask permission before touching their playdates. For example, coaching your kids to ask their friends if they’d like a hug goodbye. If their friends say no to this request, you could say, “That’s ok, how about we wave goodbye this time?”.

Teaching your children empathy is also an important part of teaching consent. Helping them to learn that it is just as important to respect others’ boundaries as it is to tune into and communicate their own boundaries. For example, “It makes sense that you were upset when Sam didn’t want a hug goodbye. I would feel sad if I were you, too. However, when you threw a toy at him out of anger, it hurt his arm and it hurt his feelings – it made him sad.” This could lead to a conversation about feelings. Ask your child how they would feel in Sam’s situation and help them generate ways to manage their emotions when setting or respecting another child’s boundaries.

Another way to help children understand age-appropriate body boundaries is to use books and activities that teach them about their body parts, feelings, and appropriate touching. Help them to pay attention to who is touching them, what kind of touch is being used, where on their body they are being touched, why the touch is happening, and, most importantly, how they feel when they are being touched. Encourage them to talk about what feels good and what doesn’t (e.g., do they like being tickled, having their hands held, being dizzy?) and then validate their choices and cheerlead their increasing ability to communicate their likes and dislikes. Finally, help them to understand that they can talk to you about any and all of the above, any time they have a question or a curiosity. The “door’s open” policy is the best way to ensure that your conversations continue to evolve in keeping with your child’s needs and development.

School-Age Children (Ages 7-11)

School-aged children have a better understanding of social scenarios and relationships, and have a foundational understanding of the concept of consent. However, they may still struggle to understand the nuance of complex situations, including peer pressure or unwanted sexual activities or actions directed towards them. Have conversations with your child about their interpretation of scenarios they see at the playground or on television. Draw their attention to non-verbal cues and get them to try to make sense of what they’ve seen. Ask them if they can guess the emotions, likes or dislikes, or needs of other kids in the scenarios they’re seeing. Ask them how they might feel in the situation and how they might communicate their boundaries if they were to find themselves in a similar situation.

When discussing consent with school-aged children, it is important to use clear language and simple explanations they can understand. Children at this stage are capable of understanding the concept of personal space, boundaries, and the importance of respecting others’ choices while acknowledging they may be different than their own. Role-playing can be a great way to help children get comfortable with saying no while respecting their own and others’ boundaries.

Adolescents (Ages 12-19)

Adolescents are in a stage where they are beginning to explore and understand their sexuality and establish intimate, romantic relationships. It is very important that parents are able to have open and honest conversations with adolescents about consent and how to communicate their sexual wants, needs, and boundaries. These conversations will help to promote healthy relationships and decrease the likelihood of unwanted sexual experiences.

When discussing consent with adolescents, it is important to underscore the importance of open communication and mutual agreement between partners. Describe to adolescents that consent is dynamic, can be withdrawn at any time, and it is never too late to change their minds about something. For example, help your teens develop responses to unwanted sexual advances or pressure like, “No thanks, I’m not into that”, or “Stop, I’m not ready to do that with you right now”. Acknowledge that setting these boundaries can be awkward or feel difficult, and yet encourage them to do so anyway. This is also the time for conversations about the influence of peer pressure, the meaning of coercion, and the consequences of non-consensual sexual behavior.

In Conclusion

On the whole, discussions about consent should be ongoing and dynamic so that they fit well with the evolving needs of children, adolescents, and teenagers. It is important to lay the foundation for these discussions by starting with teaching children from an early age about their bodies, safety in relationships, and personal boundaries. As children grow and develop, conversations should increasingly become more complex and should include peer dynamics, the issue of coercion, and the importance of communication. By discussing consent across developmental stages, we as adults can promote healthy sexual relationships that are characterized by respect, open communication, mutual satisfaction, and a decrease in unwanted sexual experiences..

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