Restful Nights: How to Help Your Child Sleep Better

Sleep is a skill. It’s something that children need to learn. Some children pick it up really easily, while others struggle to learn to settle and sleep.  

I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the guest speaker talked about how sleep is like shoe sizes. It is different for everyone. This goes for the amount of time you are supposed to sleep for, as well as how you learn.  

Learning to fall asleep starts with that first initial lie down at night. This moment is crucial for teaching the brain and body what it means to fall asleep. I had a client once explain it to me as lying still for long enough that all the thoughts and images flow through until it all goes black. Yep, this pretty much sums it up! So, we want your child to feel comfortable in allowing sleep to take over without worry, fear, and needing to control bedtime.  

Here is a step-by-step process that I go through with my clients to help them learn about their child’s sleep patterns and timing of bedtime, to then learn how to teach the child to feel confident in their ability to fall asleep without too much support.  

Start by Collecting Sleep Data 

Some key variables you will be looking for are what time your child naturally falls asleep, what time are any night wakings occur, and what time do they wake up in the morning. Note if they wake up on their own or if you have to wake them up, and their temperament. This will tell you if they are seeking more sleep. This step aims to get a more accurate idea of your child’s sleep patterns. Clients have had many AHA moments while collecting data as they can see where their child may be sleeping in longer, bedtime inconsistencies, night waking patterns correlating to certain environmental variables, etc.  

With this data, you will want to calculate the average amount of sleep your child has across 1-2 weeks. This will help you understand their sleep shoe size—i.e., how long they really need to sleep on average.  

Ensure You Are Supporting Your Child To Anchor Their Circadian Rhythm

Children and teens require adult support to maintain general healthy sleep habits during their day. Here are three areas I see to have the most profound impact on clients with just a few micro shifts.  

• Maintain a Consistent Meal Schedule: Having a meal schedule that is the same each day entrains the digestive system on a specific clock schedule. It is a simple way to anchor the natural body clock. Sleep tip: Avoid eating too late into the evening. This can cause an energy burst for some kids. If they are hungry, ensure they are eating enough during the day and have a small light snack in the evening after dinner. Giving a 1-2 hour window is ideal.  
• Maintain a Consistent Wake Time: Through maintaining a consistent wake time, you will ensure that your child’s sleep pressure is strong at night when you are starting to work on the skill of learning to fall asleep.  
• Ensure Adequate Nutrition: If your child is a picky eater or you are concerned about their overall nutritional needs, I strongly suggest seeking out support. Many micronutrients are the building blocks of the sleep hormones required for sleep. I always check in with my clients about recent blood tests, specifically iron and vitamin D. Speak to a medical professional if you want to learn more about this.

Set Up a Calming and Connection-Filled Evening Routine

• Avoid Rushing: A rushed evening routine does not support children, especially young children, to fall asleep. Find calming activities that can be brought out in the evening to help your child wind down and get ready for bed.  
• Keep It Consistent: A consistent evening routine is really helpful in teaching the body that sleep is coming. Engage in similar activities before bed (e.g., dim the lights about 2 hours before to support melatonin production, do a puzzle, PJs, brush teeth, read books, and sing a bedtime song).  
• Focus On Connection: Children are busier than ever! This is why you may see extra connection-seeking behaviors at night (e.g., asking for extra cuddles, being resistant to letting you leave the room, trying to extend the bedtime routine, etc.). Allowing yourself to truly take this time to meaningfully connect can support regulation and calming before bed.  

Teach Them To Fall Asleep on Their Own

There are two strategies that I like to share with families to help their child fall asleep. Of course, there are many more, but these ones are nice and you can move at the child’s pace. 

The first strategy that has been helpful for children who are highly anxious is supporting them through the use of a technique called distance fading. By fading your distance from the bed and physical proximity of the child, you can start to slowly support your child’s confidence in falling asleep with just the bed, pillow, and maybe a special comfort item if they wish. During this time, you are staying with them until they fall asleep while trying to be as quiet as possible to ensure your presence and physical contact are not needed when they drift off to dreamland.  

Sometimes difficulty can occur with this technique when it’s time to leave the room. Introducing the next strategy can be helpful to teach your child that you’re still there even when you leave.  

Another strategy that is commonly used and can be used with the distance fading procedure is the Time-Based-Visiting protocol. I also call this the Be-Right-Back method. This strategy works for children who understand the concept of “be right back” and trust that the parent will return. To teach this skill and increase the chances that your child falls asleep while you are out of the room, while also teaching them to stay in their bed, you want to slowly increase the duration of time you spend outside of the room. Once you settle your child in, say “I’ll be right back”, and let them know they don’t have to fall asleep when you are outside. Start at a short interval, maybe as low as 1 second, if the child is very worried about this change. And work your way up slowly. When you return to the room, if the child has stayed in their bed, provide lots of cuddles and praise (if really awake). If they get out of their bed, you will be more neutral but kind and remind them they can stay in their bed while they wait. If they are starting to fall asleep as the intervals become longer, you may choose to just peek your head in and whisper a good job/goodnight. The goal is for them to learn that more attention is given to staying in bed vs. getting out of bed. Eventually, sleep will take over while they are waiting for you!  

When the child leaves the room, gently return them and remind them to stay in bed, and you will be back. If you time your bedtime based on the expected time they will fall asleep, this will work quite well. The first night is always the hardest, but with persistence and comforting encouragement for the child, eventually, sleep takes over. Usually, once you get to the 5-minute interval!  

As you are supporting your child to learn to fall asleep and feel confident in this skill, I strongly recommend taking your time and making small micro shifts. Adding pressure to bedtime and sleeping alone can be a lot for many kids to handle. Introducing stories about the idea and finding out the why behind your child’s sleep struggle will be the best first step.  

This is my reminder to you… Learning a new skill takes time and will not likely occur in one night, especially learning to fall asleep independently.