Shedding a New Light on Conflicts Between Parents and Children

Many families seek professional services to reduce their children's behavioral crises. It’s common to observe the familial nature of these behavioral problems that involve yelling, arguing, opposition, withdrawal, and aggression. These are normal reactions that may indicate a need that hasn’t been met by the family unit. The inability to meet this need creates tensions that can escalate into conflicts and more serious family crises. Although conflict itself can be stressful on a daily basis, it's important to understand that it’s a valuable tool for all family members. Conflicts often allow needs to be expressed, bring about needed changes, and oversee the protection of the family unit. This article aims to help parents better understand the usefulness of conflicts and the different strategies for preventing them.  

First, What Is Conflict?

Conflict is a state of opposition between two or more people arguing about differing ideas and needs. It’s a form of confrontation intended to cause or avoid change in the family unit. Through different behaviors, family members seek a balance to ensure security. However, these attempts could harm the functionality and well-being of the family. Each conflict has its particularities and underlying needs, and it’s important to identify these needs instead of just focusing on the behavioral demonstrations.   

Physiological Need

Conflicts can arise when physiological needs are not adequately met. For example, we often see irritable behaviors when family members don’t get enough sleep or adequate nutrition. Parents need to supervise their children’s sleep routine to make sure the need for sufficient rest is met. It’s also important to make sure that each child has suitable meal portions for their appetite, age, and physiognomy. 

Security Need

The need for security is one of the most important human needs. Parents need to supervise and reassure their children, allowing them to grow up in a peaceful, predictable environment conducive to learning. Thus, any situation that might challenge the feeling of security risks provoking conflicts and behavioral reactions. For example, the announcement of a separation, medical diagnosis, a move, a new birth, or a change of school are all situations that could create behaviors of resistance and disputes.  

Consequently, parents need to be patient with their children and accompany them during these adjustment periods. Consider offering them sensitive listening and acknowledging together with them that change can be frightening. Seek professional resources to support you and be better equipped during these periods. Additionally, any family structure needs rules that are defined, predictable, consistent, and fair. Family conflicts are common when the roles and responsibilities of each member are disproportionate or unclear. This happens when parents give their children adult responsibilities or when parents use parenting practices that are unpredictable and poorly adapted to the children's needs. This lack of structure tends to create divisions and power reversals, with the child seeking control to reassure themselves and provoking conflicts to highlight this family problem.  

To mitigate these issues, establish a system in which the rules and consequences are clear, predictable, and fair. Ideally, this system should be designed to foster success and stimulate the child's skills. It’s also crucial that the boundaries between the roles of adults and children are clear and consistent.  

Need to Belong

Young people need to feel loved and accepted by their family members, and this need requires constant nourishing. Parental favoritism, rejection, and division in a family are signs indicating a need to belong. Conflicts serve to reflect the child's need for support, validation, and recognition. Many young people will use conflict as their main means of interaction since their behavioral differences draw the attention they deeply need from their parents and siblings. 

To fix this, encourage regular and positive contact among family members to cultivate a sense of belonging. Take the time to acknowledge the importance of each family member, even in parental separation. Avoid comparisons and upbringing through shame and guilt. Be sensitive to signs of favoritism and division. If a child has special needs, be sure to give quality time and attention to the other siblings as well. These small gestures will add up and show your children that they are seen as important to the family. 

Identity Need

There comes a time when the child seeks to develop their own beliefs and values. They experiment through arguing, opposition, withdrawal, and affiliation with new friends. This period of seeking identity and self-affirmation is especially present during adolescence. Conflict is a way for your children to distinguish themselves from others. When a child is restricted in their search for identity, conflict becomes a way to reclaim their need and bring about change. It’s important that parents perceive this need and offer safe contexts to guide their search.  

It may be appropriate to take a fresh look at your children and question any assumptions. Instead of believing you know everything about your child, take the time to show them you’re interested in rediscovering who they are during special moments. You can provide them with opportunities to express their opinion, make their own choices, and develop their own interests. You can also take an interest in their friendships and have an open door without neglecting your family rules. It can be difficult to see your child grow up and reject family traditions, but rather than criticize, it’s better to be open and express your own challenges in adapting to this change. This leaves room for rich moments of vulnerability in your family bond.

In practice, here are some tips that may be applied in the context of conflicts: 

• Observe: Take a curious and sensitive look at your children to identify their real needs.  
• Share your observations with them while maintaining a posture of humility, listening, and openness. Don’t impose your own vision since your child may not agree with you or even be comfortable talking about it. Younger children struggle to understand their needs. It is up to you to take the necessary initiatives to respond. 
• Acknowledge Your Role in the Situation: As a parent, you always have a responsibility for the family dynamic.  
• Look For Solutions as a Family: Address conflicts without adopting a moralizing posture. Explore different solutions and apply them. Use feedback as a family to make any necessary adjustments.  
• To support children's learning, also practice your problem-solving and positive communication skills with each other to provide a positive role model for children.  

Parents shouldn’t perceive conflicts negatively. Punishing inappropriate behavior is often necessary, however, we must be vigilant not to punish conflicts. Family conflicts and crises can act as powerful agents of change within a family. Therefore, it's important to identify the need behind the conflict, help your child recognize their need, and respond to it through a collaborative resolution approach. Of course, conflict management is not easy and requires a lot of effort, flexibility, openness, and consistency. It's essential to challenge the belief that family problems are handled privately. Sometimes it may be better to seek external help to better resolve certain more complex conflicts. 

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