Dr. Ana Aznar
Table of contents
Navigating the decision to have children can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re facing personal challenges or mental health considerations. Here’s how to approach this life-changing decision with care and reflection.
Should I Have Kids If I’m Unsure? + Considering Mental Health Problems
Question: “My husband and I are trying to figure out our next steps in life, and that includes kids—specifically, do we want them? I had a rough childhood; he had a decent one, but we're both easily overwhelmed and overstimulated, with big mental health problems ourselves, so we're juggling this big question. We bought a house and adopted a dog after getting married a couple of years ago, but now what? Everyone says kids, and I've not wanted kids, but I'm also not champing at the bit to have them. I'm terrified that if we do have a baby, what then? What if I change my mind, or it all becomes too much? Having a kid is at least the next 18 years of our lives completely changed, more than anything we've already gone through and overcome. I don't want to dive into something so important as parenthood without being fully in. Do you have any advice? I feel so lost on what to do now. Thank you very much in advance!”
Dr. Ana’s Expert Answer
This is a deeply personal decision that, at the end of the day, only you and your partner can make. Having said this, you may benefit from discussing it with a mental health professional. Becoming a parent is the biggest change in one’s life, and the better prepared we are, the more likely it is that we will find it easier and that we will enjoy it. Here are some things you should consider:
Acknowledge Your Doubts Are Normal
Know that you are not the only one doubting whether to become a parent or not. It is a life-changing decision, and you are right in considering it carefully. There is no right or wrong decision; there is only what is right for you. Do not feel pressured to have kids because your friends tell you that you should do it. Just because your friends have made the decision to have children does not mean that it is the right choice for you.
Reflect on Your True Desires
Liking kids does not mean you want to raise them. There are many people who love kids and are great with them but do not want to care for them full time. So, feeling broody when you see a newborn should not drive you to conclude you want to be a mother. Reflect on what you want your life to be. Do this exercise: when you think about your ideal life in 10 year’s time, what do you see? Do you see children in it?
Consider Your Mental Health
Pregnancy and the fourth trimester are a very vulnerable time for women. At this time, we go through a process called matrescence, when our whole identity gets redefined. Because of this, 1 in 5 new mums are affected by mental health issues. The most common ones are postpartum depression and anxiety. Other women experience more severe conditions, such as perinatal psychosis, PTSD, and mood disorders. Women who have a history of poor mental health are more likely to find the transition to motherhood difficult. I am not trying to scare you or put you off by saying this; I just want to make you aware of it, so you can prepare yourself if you decide to go for it.
Your Past Does Not Define Your Future as a Parent
You mention that you had a difficult childhood. The fact that your childhood was tough does not mean you will not give your future child a nice upbringing. The fact that you are really questioning whether you should have a child and that you are here asking for advice shows how much you care.
An Individual Decision
Consider your husband’s opinion and wishes, but at the end of the day, figuring out whether you want to become a mother is an individual decision.
Do not hesitate to get in touch with me if you want to discuss it further. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Is It Normal to Be Scared to Have a Baby?
Yes, it is completely normal to feel scared or uncertain about having a baby. Parenthood is a life-altering commitment that brings significant changes. It is wise to carefully consider this decision, especially if you have concerns about your mental health or past experiences. Acknowledging these fears is the first step toward making an informed choice that is right for you.
How Do I Know if I’m Mentally Ready to Have a Child?
Determining if you're mentally ready involves self-reflection and professional guidance. Consider your emotional stability, coping mechanisms for stress, and your support system. If you have a history of mental health challenges, discussing them with a therapist can help you prepare. Your awareness and willingness to seek advice are strong indicators that you are approaching this decision with the necessary care and thoughtfulness.
Can You Be a Good Parent if You Had a Bad Childhood?
Yes, you can absolutely be a good parent even if you had a difficult childhood. Your past does not determine your future. In fact, being aware of your childhood experiences can make you a more conscious and empathetic parent. The act of questioning your readiness and seeking guidance demonstrates a high level of care and intention, which are key qualities of a great parent.
Is It Normal to Doubt Whether I Want Children?
Yes, it’s completely normal. Deciding whether to become a parent is a life-changing choice. Take the time to reflect on your goals, priorities, and mental readiness without external pressure.
What Mental Health Factors Should I Consider Before Becoming a Parent?
Parenthood can be emotionally intense, especially during pregnancy and early motherhood. Be aware of potential challenges like postpartum depression or anxiety, especially if you have a history of mental health struggles, and consider seeking support from a professional.
For more information, check out these popular topics:
- Should I Stop Vaccinating My Baby?
- When Do Babies Start Talking and Understanding Words?
- How Can I Teach My Kids Values Without My Religious Background?
Do you have any parenting questions for our parenting coach and expert, Dr. Ana Aznar? Ask for free today!
