Dr. Ana Aznar
Table of contents
Transitioning into the teenage years often feels like your child has suddenly tuned you out, but this common phase of "individuation" is a natural part of growing up. Dr. Ana provides guidance on shifting your parenting role and establishing mutual respect to keep the lines of communication open.
How to Communicate With an 11-Year-Old Who Won’t Listen
Question: “Do you have advice on how to talk to kids so they listen? I feel like my 11-year-old has become completely deaf to me in the past 6 months.”
Dr. Ana’s Expert Answer
Welcome to the teenage years! It is not that your child has suddenly become deaf, but that he is going through the process of individuation. He is separating from you and he is becoming closer to his friends and peers. The first years of adolescence can be particularly difficult because your relationship needs to evolve and adapt to your child’s evolving needs. This is what adolescence is all about.
It is normal to have moments when you find your teenager difficult. Consider that your child is separating from you, they are figuring out who they are, and where they fit in the world. It is a lot for them to take in! They are changing, and therefore, we must change with them and adapt to this new phase of parenting.
Shifting From Manager to Consultant
When our children reach adolescence, our role needs to change from being a manager to being a consultant. Consider that both you and your child are going through a period of change, and change = stress.
Having an Honest Chat About Expectations
If you feel your child is not listening to you, have a chat—a chat, not a lecture—with him and together discuss expectations. Tell your teen that you understand he is going through a lot, but that you feel he is not listening to you, and this is not good for your relationship. Give him a couple of examples when you felt he did not listen; he may not know what you are talking about. Do not assume he knows how you feel; you need to tell him.
Practicing Mutuality in Relationships
Talk to your teen about the importance of practicing mutuality. This means that relationships are not one-sided. They are about giving and taking. This will help your relationship with them, but it will also serve as a model for future relationships. It will not do them any good in their future relationships if they think that they are all about them.
Related articles:
- My 12-Year-Old Is Misbehaving at School
- Why Are Teenagers So Selfish?
- Discussing Teen Sex: Talking to Your Teen about Sex
I wish you both the very best.
Love,
Ana
Why Do Preteens Stop Listening to Their Parents?
As children enter adolescence, they undergo individuation—a developmental stage where they prioritize peer relationships to establish their own identity. This often looks like "not listening," but it is actually a shift in focus. Parents should adapt by moving from a "manager" style to a "consultant" role, offering guidance through open dialogue rather than just giving commands.
How Can I Get My Tween to Respect My Boundaries?
Establish a practice of mutuality by explaining that healthy relationships require give and take. Instead of lecturing, have a calm conversation about how their lack of attention impacts your relationship. Provide specific examples of when you felt unheard. This helps them understand social cues and prepares them for the responsibilities of adult relationships.
For more information, check out these popular topics:
- My 4-Year-Old Is Out of Control, What Can I Do?
- Should I Have Kids If Mental Health Problems Run in My Family?
- How Can I Get My Tween to Listen Without Arguing?
Do you have any parenting questions for our parenting coach and expert, Dr. Ana Aznar? Ask for free today!
