Dr. Ana Aznar
Table of contents
Dr. Ana answers how to help a teen handle criticism from a loved one while encouraging assertiveness and strengthening family bonds.
How Can I Help My Teenager Handle Criticism From Her Grandma?
Question: My mom criticizes my 14-year-old daughter when she shares things she's excited about, like her dance videos, making her feel bad. Despite their close bond, my daughter doesn't want me to say anything to her grandma. How can I support my daughter to advocate for herself, while respecting her wishes?
Dr. Ana’s Expert Answer
This situation happens often. What is happening is a disconnect between the things your daughter considers important and the things your mum considers important. To your daughter, her dance videos are really important. Your mum does not understand how important they are to your daughter, and she considers that things like having a tidy room are more important.
Turn This Into a Learning Opportunity
I understand this is upsetting to your daughter, but let’s take this situation as a learning opportunity. Explain to your daughter that many times in life, there will be moments when people who love her will not share her same passions or interests. Tell her that her grandma loves her deeply and she does not want to hurt her feelings; it is simply that her grandma does not realize how important the dance videos are to her.
Teach Your Daughter to Be Assertive
Take this opportunity to teach her about the importance of being assertive, that is, the ability to tell someone how we feel and what we want without hurting the other person’s feelings. So, she could practice telling her grandmother something like: “Grandma, these videos are important for me, so I would really love for you to like them, too. I love you and I want to share this with you, but it hurts me when you criticize me for making them”.
I wish you three all the very best!
Love,
Ana
How Do I Teach My Teen to Deal With Criticism?
Dr. Ana suggests using this as a learning opportunity. Explain that loved ones may not always share the same passions. Encourage your teen to practice assertiveness—the ability to express their feelings and needs respectfully without hurting the other person's feelings, strengthening their ability to self-advocate.
How Do You Help a Teenager Who Is Sensitive to Criticism?
Acknowledge your teen's feelings and explain that the criticism may stem from a generational disconnect, not a lack of love. Dr. Ana recommends teaching your teen to calmly communicate their feelings. For example, she could say, "I want to share this with you, and it hurts me when you criticize it."
How Do I Support My Daughter Without Intervening?
Respect your daughter's wish for you not to intervene. Instead, empower her. Dr. Ana advises teaching your daughter how to be assertive and communicate her feelings directly to her grandmother. This approach supports her while helping her develop important life skills for handling difficult conversations independently.
Related content:
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- How Do I Convince My Daughter to Put My Grandson on a Diet?
- My Daughter Wants Designer Clothes
Do you have questions for Dr. Ana? Ask for free today!
Reader's Full Question:
“My daughter's grandmother, my mother, will sometimes shut my daughter down by critiquing her. For example, telling her she should clean up her room before she makes dance videos with her friends. My daughter is showing these videos to my mom because she's excited about the dances she is creating and wants her grandma to be excited for her, too. It makes my daughter feel bad when my mom criticizes her, and she wishes she would focus more on the positive parts of the video, like the dancing or the fun she's having.
How do I support my daughter with this dilemma? My daughter is 14 and doesn't want to make a big deal about it, and definitely does not want me to say anything to my mother. It's also important to note that they generally have a really close relationship, which is why it's so hurtful to my daughter when this happens.
My mom used to be nitpicky with me when I was young, too, and it kept me from wanting to tell her things. I want to respect my daughter's wishes not to say something to my mom, but I also don't want her to feel bad or not advocate for her feelings. Any suggestions?”
