Dr. Ana Aznar
Table of contents
A concerned father asks Dr. Ana for advice on dealing with his baby's strong preference for mom and separation anxiety, as he feels his child dislikes him. Dr. Ana provides comforting reassurance and practical strategies for managing parental preference, setting boundaries, and understanding the developmental stage of separation anxiety.
Why Is My Baby Only Clinging To Mom?
Question: “Help please with separation anxiety. Baby only wants mom, but she works all day, I'm a disabled stay-at-home dad, and I feel like my baby hates me and wants nothing to do with me.”
Dr. Ana’s Expert Answer
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can assure you that your baby does not hate you.
Understanding Parental Preference
Your baby is showing parental preference. You need to bear in mind that parental preference is fluid. If you are not the preferred parent at this moment, it does not mean it will stay like this. This is a phase that will pass. It is not a sign of how much he loves you. Parental preference is not something we completely understand from a developmental perspective.
How to Respond to Parental Preference
Whenever your child cries for mum, just say something like: “I know you want mum, but right now she cannot play with you. I am here to play with you when you are ready”. By doing this, you are holding a boundary, which is crucial for children’s development.
Staying Involved as the Non-Preferred Parent
No matter how much your child prefers the other parent, stay involved and do not back off. You may feel like disappearing, but doing that may undermine your relationship. Try to notice if resentment is growing so it does not damage your relationship with your baby. Do not make the mistake of becoming more permissive or giving in to all your child’s wishes to make him like you more.
The Role of the Other Parent
It is important that your partner does not swoop in and take over from you, because by doing that, she will be validating your baby’s insistence.
What is Separation Anxiety?
At the same time, your baby seems to have developed separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is children’s fear of being away from their caregivers. It starts when your child understands that he is a separate person from their parent, but he still does not understand that the parent still exists even when he cannot see them (this is called object permanence). Your child gets anxious because he does not understand that your wife will come back. As a result, your child may cry, scream, or cling to her when being separated from her. Separation anxiety is a normal part of children’s development.
When Does Separation Anxiety Occur?
Separation anxiety usually starts around 6-7 months and reaches its peak at 14-18 months. Separation anxiety tends to decline when children reach preschool or school age. Some children may experience separation anxiety a bit longer than others, because every child develops at a different pace.
When to Consult a Doctor
If your child still experiences separation anxiety after the age of 3 or during the preschool years, it is worth discussing it with his doctor. Especially if it interferes with his ability to go or stay at school, also, talk to his doctor if you think that his anxiety is too extreme.
I hope this information is helpful. Remember that it is very important to take care of yourself. Being a stay-at-home dad can be very isolating. If you want to discuss any other issues, do get in touch with me.
These articles may be useful:
- How to Handle Separation Anxiety in a 2 Year-Old?
- When Does the Clingy Stage End?
- How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
I wish you all the very best,
Love,
Ana
What Is Parental Preference In Babies?
Parental preference is when a baby shows a stronger attachment or responsiveness to one parent over another. Dr. Ana explains this is a normal, fluid phase, not a sign of a baby disliking a parent. It doesn't mean your baby loves you less, and it can change over time. Understanding this helps ease feelings of rejection for the non-preferred parent.
How Can I Handle Parental Preference When My Baby Only Wants Mom?
Dr. Ana advises setting clear boundaries by calmly stating that mom is unavailable and offering yourself as an alternative. It’s crucial to stay involved and not withdraw, avoiding the temptation to become overly permissive to gain favor. Encourage your partner not to immediately take over, which can validate the baby's insistence.
What Is Separation Anxiety In Infants?
Separation anxiety is a common developmental stage where children fear being apart from their caregivers. It begins when a child understands they are a separate person but hasn't grasped object permanence, meaning they don't understand that a parent still exists when out of sight. This can lead to crying or clinging when separated.
When Does Separation Anxiety Typically Occur And End?
Separation anxiety usually starts around 6-7 months of age and often peaks between 14-18 months. It tends to gradually decline as children reach preschool or school age. However, every child develops at their own pace, so some may experience it longer than others.
When Should I Be Concerned About My Child’s Separation Anxiety?
Dr. Ana suggests discussing separation anxiety with your child's doctor if it persists after age 3 or during preschool, especially if it interferes with their ability to attend or stay at school. You should also consult a doctor if you feel the anxiety is unusually extreme or severe for their age.
How Can Non-Preferred Parents Maintain Their Bond With Their Baby?
It's vital for non-preferred parents to remain actively involved and avoid withdrawing, even when feeling rejected. Dr. Ana recommends holding boundaries, not giving in to every whim, and ensuring the preferred parent doesn't undermine efforts by always stepping in. Consistent presence and engagement will help strengthen the bond over time.
What Support Is Available For Stay-At-Home Parents Dealing With Isolation?
Being a stay-at-home parent, especially when dealing with challenging developmental phases, can be isolating. Dr. Ana emphasizes the importance of self-care and reaching out for support. Many community groups, online forums, and professional counseling services are available to help parents manage stress and isolation.
For more information, check out these popular topics:
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- Can a Teen Father Have the Emotional Depth for Full Custody?
Do you have any parenting questions for our parenting coach and expert, Dr. Ana Aznar? Ask for free today!
