Anne Gaignaire
Table of contents
“Dad, is there gonna be a Third World War?”, “Mom, are we gonna die?” The news about the current war in Ukraine has brought about tough questions from children but also a lot of anxiety. It’s not easy to find the right words to answer their questions and reassure them. Fortunately, there are several things you can do as a parent to address this specific situation and any other sensitive news in a calm manner.
A woman hugs her children, her eyes looking in the distance. A little boy holding a stuffed animal walks beside his mother and grandparents on the road to exile. Lifeless bodies lay in the streets among the debris and shells. Buildings have been torn apart, others are on fire. The images coming from Ukraine are terrifying, as are the stories of the fighting and statements from leaders we hear on the radio.
It’s tempting to turn all sources of information off to reduce the stress they bring and protect our children from such horrors. While this may be a good idea for toddlers, all children, no matter how young, will hear or see bits and pieces of information and are very sensitive to stress from their parents and other adults. Older kids and teens will not only hear about things from their friends at school but will also be exposed to the news online.
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In 2021, an INSPQ study (National Public Health Institute of Quebec) revealed that 17% of kids between the age of 6 and 8 and 94% of kids between the ages of 15 and 17 own a smartphone. Many also have one or more social media accounts despite being under the legal age of 13 to use those platforms.
So, avoiding the topic of the war in Ukraine at home won’t stop kids from hearing about it. They just won’t hear it the way they should and more often than not, will hear partial or false information. If they don’t fully understand what they’re hearing or are being told, they could believe other people’s opinions are facts and even believe fake news. They may try to fill in the blanks by themselves to help quiet their worries and their conclusions can often be even more worrying than the reality.
That’s why it’s important to talk to children about the news. As adults, we’re able to give them or guide them to the right information. Charlotte Longpré, PhD candidate in Psychology and author of a memoir on the link between stress and the media, says, “As parents, we could say: ‘If I don’t talk about it, it won’t cause any anxiety.’ On the contrary, not talking about it could generate even more anxiety because the child may feel misunderstood.”
Are you worried about talking about difficult topics with your kids? Maybe you feel like you don’t know enough about the situation or that you’ll be too emotional during the conversation. Or maybe you’re afraid you won’t know how to reassure your children or find the right words to explain what’s happening.
Here are seven tips to overcome your fears and talk calmly about the war in Ukraine, or any other sensitive subject, with your children:
1. Deal With Your Own Emotions First
War was just declared, you’re in shock, feel worried, stressed, and emotional. Now is definitely not the right time to share the news with your kids. Your anxiety is palpable and contagious.
Take the time to sort out your own emotions and collect your thoughts. It’s best to wait until you’re calm and thinking rationally again to talk about it with your children. You’ll also need to choose a time when you can fully dedicate yourself to the conversation as it may be a long one.
That being said, if you feel emotional during the conversation, it’s more than appropriate for you to explain why you feel that way.
2. Listen to Your Child
Let your kids ask you questions and inquire about what they know and how they feel, regardless of their age. It will help you understand and measure how much they know and how much they understand. It will also give you an indication of the language they use when talking about difficult news. That way, you will be able to explain what some of the words they use mean and talk about the situation in their own words. If you were on the fence about using words like “war” or “attack” or “death”, maybe your kid will be the one using them first.
When it comes to older kids, listening to them is also a great way to know what their opinions are on the topic, but also what their friends and various social circles, including online, think too.
Having this discussion will also be a good indicator of how stressed they are.
3. Stick to the Facts
It’s essential to stick to the facts when discussing the news and seek reliable and trustworthy sources rather than focus on half-formed opinions, beliefs, fear, or fake news. It’s a good way to rationalize and not let our fears take precedent over reality.
It is also a way to put events into context and thus put things into perspective. For example, when talking about the situation in Ukraine, we can show our children where the country is located and talk about some simple historical landmarks that led to the current situation.
Before talking about difficult events with your kids, take the time to inform yourself using reliable sources. You can also make use of resources made specifically for kids on the topic. This will be a good guide and tool to look at together depending on how old they are.
4. Adapt the Conversation to the Child
It’s essential to adapt the way you share some information to the sensibility and age of your child. Remember to use words they understand, select the information you want to mention, and share tough details (number of deaths, child victims, etc.) sparingly.
The same goes for images. The younger the child, the more controlled and moderate the exposure to images should be. It’s okay to watch some with older kids.
5. Highlight the Positive
While the bad and dark sides of the news are there in abundance, in a lot of cases, it’s still possible to find some positive aspects to the situation such as the solidarity shown to Ukrainian refugees, the organized protests across the globe to bring awareness about climate change, and so forth.
Encouraging kids to take action themselves can help them deal with the news better and reduce their stress. They’re worried about climate change? Include them in your efforts to reduce food waste in your home! You could offer to walk to school rather than take the car or even encourage them to choose locally sourced products at the grocery store. All those actions could balance out their feeling of powerlessness and bring them comfort.
When a humanitarian crisis occurs, such as the 2012 earthquake in Haiti, children can help you with food or clothing donations. You can also point out that when children take the time to learn about the situation, it’s also a way for them to get involved and take action.
6. Beware of Fake News
You know too well that mis- and disinformation is all too common, particularly on social media. Major news events often come with a fair amount of fake news around them. It’s a great opportunity for you to talk about this phenomenon with your older kids who have independent access to screens. Now is a good time to teach them how to recognize fake news and remind them that it’s essential not to share any. Awareness about and learning a few tricks to recognize fake news can start as early as middle school.
7. Raise Awareness About Diversity of Opinions
Many current issues are polarizing. This can give rise to strong, and sometimes not very nuanced, opinions. It’s interesting to encourage young people to take measure of the complexity of a situation and not stop at a superficial initial reading of it. It’s also important to help them develop their own critical judgment, think for themselves, and question what they hear on social media, even when it comes from their favorite YouTubers.
News topics are a great opportunity to learn how to respect and understand other people’s opinions, without necessarily agreeing with them. It’s also a good opportunity to learn how to distance oneself from those opinions when they go against our own values.
News events bring a plethora of discussion topics to talk about with our kids to further their knowledge, develop their critical judgment, help them form their own opinions, and discuss your own family’s values. It’s also a great way to share pointers and tips on how to better understand the world they live in and help them build their self-confidence and their sense of citizenship.
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