How to Handle Teacher Conferences

During the conference

Behave yourself. Thumping on the desk, demanding, or threatening is the fastest way to get absolutely nowhere with a teacher. Set the tone with kind words about a recent assignment or a common interest you learned about during your background check. Don't let negatives send you both fleeing in opposite directions. On the other hand, don't be surprised if your kudos leave the teacher dumbfounded and eager to go the extra mile for James. And if you know his English teacher is a chocoholic, take some chocolate chip cookies to munch together while you're talking about James. Be prepared to listen to what the teacher has to say, and don't drop crumbs all over the floor.

Be honest. Let the teacher talk first. When the teacher is finished talking, make your case for James. If you need to overcome an unreasonably negative perception, start by sharing your illustrative anecdote about his gallantry to that cranky neighbor. Share your notes about his skills and learning methods. Show her his letter to your building manager. Then be honest about the habits, attitudes, and weak skill areas that you know are getting in his way.

Talk about clashes. The best time to deal with student-teacher clashes of any kind is during a private parent-teacher conference. Come clean, too, if you believe there might be a mismatch between James's learning style and the teacher's instructional methods or the two personalities. Talk about alternatives. Will she allow him to tape her lectures instead of relying on his poor note-taking skills? Openly discuss what James does that is particularly irritating to him. What does he do, in turn, that makes James ornery or disrespectful? Sometimes merely the honest acknowledgement of common human interaction problems will open the door to soothing irritating interpersonal relations.

Ask the right questions. What does James need to know? How does his class work and homework compare to his classmates'? How does his testing compare? What, specifically, can you do to help him with this problem? Ask questions that will clarify your role, illicit helpful comparisons, and demonstrate your willingness to help. Listen, take notes, and make sure your mouth is closed when you chew your cookies.

Agree on a plan for helping James. This is the final critical step in any good parent-teacher conference. And never more important than when you and his teacher disagree about how to handle a situation. Set your individual differences aside and focus on James, together. Establish action steps, assignments, and a time frame in which James must accomplish the goals you've set. Include interim goals that act as stepping-stones toward overall improvement and as an early warning sign if he misses a progress marker. Take notes about the action plan while the teacher is talking, and then quickly review to make sure you've heard correctly and included everything. Set a date for a progress report by e-mail, phone, or another meeting face to face.