Ever since the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, newspapers and television have been rife with heartrending images of mayhem and unspeakable anguish. For American families with children, these graphic depictions of the ultimate consequences of hate can no longer be easily dismissed with glib reassurances such as, "It can never happen in the United States."

And so we are faced with a terrible dilemma. Do we shield children from this tragedy? Do we limit the immediacy of our own intake of information to keep the tumbling towers from being burned forever in their minds? Or should we expect them to join us fully in our understandable obsession with televised news about the disasters? How do we explain it to them?

In times of tragedy children need more time than ever to be with the people who love them. We can all try to take extra time for meals, games, reading out loud, or other family activities. Just being with our children will help them feel more secure and safe.

Remember that what you do say or do to help your children will depend on their age. Fourteen-year-olds have different needs than four-year-olds. It will also depend on your religious beliefs, and on how you and your family normally cope with stress. Families intimately involved in the disaster are facing the shock and grief of their loss, compounded by uncertainty and the horrific cause of their loved ones' demise.

Don't feel guilty if you can't "explain" why this happened. But talk with your children about the difference between anger and hate. Anger is a normal, human feeling that arises when we feel violated or cheated or harmed in some way. Anger can often lead to constructive solutions to problems and can motivate people to work constructively to change societal ills. Hatred is taught. In the eyes of the hater, certain people or groups of people are seen as less than human and therefore not worthy of respect, compassion, kindness or even life. The bombings were acts of hate directed at innocent people who were killed just because they were Americans, or happened to work in the buildings. To condemn all Arabs, Muslims - or any racial or ethnic group - for the acts of a few is equally harmful and can lead to terrorism or smaller scale hate crimes. Talk with your children about the horrible consequences of race hatred and other kinds of bigotry.

General Conversation Tips

Be honest about your feelings and opinions.

Be respectful of your children's feelings and opinions, even if they are not like your own.

Be mindful of your child's sensitivity to violence. Some children may need special reassurance about their own safety. Those outside of New York and Washington may gain comfort from knowing that the targets were specifically chosen and not random. Remember that you don't have to have all of the answers. It's okay to say, "I don't know," or "I don't understand this either." As you gain more knowledge or clarity, share that with your kids. With older children, you can look together through newspapers and reference books, search the Web, or watch television news and commentary to get answers.

If you travel a great deal, children might be frightened if you need to take a plane. Talk with them about the increased security measures that are being implemented in airports. If upcoming flights are essential, don't feel guilty about your travel. If it's possible to postpone non- essential travel for a week or so, children may be reassured as they see that planes are flying safely.

If your children don't seem interested in talking about something, you can't force them to engage in conversation about it. However, exposing children to your discussions with friends and relatives helps them learn the importance of being interested in world events. Religious and cultural holidays , often a time of family gatherings and meals, are a good time to do this.

Remember that you are going to have lots of chances to talk about these terrible events with your children. You don't have to "get it right" in one conversation. Let your children know that you are willing to talk to them about it again.

The Words You Need

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