Q
Our son is ten and has always been a very good child. Lately, when we ask him to do things, we have to repeat and repeat ourselves. He won't answer us in a clear tone. If it is "yes m'am," it is still a mumble. He does not take care of his things (like we would like). When he is finished with something he slings it down instead of laying it down. What should we be doing? We have been given this gift from God and I don't want to let him down in raising him.
A
I don't think that you will let your son down in raising him. You obviously recognize that he is a great boy and that he is changing in some of his behaviors. These changes are normal and healthy, even if there are some behaviors that annoy and frustrate you. He is entering the world of the "middler," the child in the 10-15 year-old range. His physical, intellectual, emotional and social development is in major upheaval and you will continue to see many complex, dramatic changes during these years. Kids will naturally mumble responses during this stage -- don't take it personally. His mind is most often preoccupied with so many emotionally laden thoughts and feelings that he really doesn't hear you when you ask him a question or give him an order -- again don't take it as his being purposefully rude. I would ask you to reconsider "Yes, ma'am/No ma'am." as his only allowable responses. I understand that you believe these to be the appropriate, respectful responses for a child to use with his parents but I think a simple "Yes/No" might suffice. This demand sounds a little like what military officers say to their soldiers -- "You will always say yes, sir/No, sir when you answer me! Do you read me soldier!!!"I am sure that he does not show the care for things that you expect but again, this is not a sign of disrespect; it's a signal of how hurried and preoccupied his life is.
You can best parent this boy through his preadolescent and teenage years by continuing to show him love and appreciation -- focusing much more on his good points and accomplishments than on the behaviors, attitudes, opinions, dress styles, etc. that you disapprove of. Understanding what he is going through during this phenomenally intense period of his life will provide you with the ability to show him understanding and support. The best book I have read on parenting through these middle years is The Roller Coaster Years -- Raising Your Child Through the Maddening Yet Magical Middle School Years, by Gianetti and Sagarese.