What subject(s) does this advice apply to?
Communication between divorced parents
Easing the transition between two households

Describe the situation or problem.
Your kids are feeling adrift. They bounce back and forth between two households and sometimes feel as if they have no control over their lives.

What advice can you offer?
Kids like to have a routine. It helps them feel in control of part of their life, which becomes more important when a family is hit by divorce. Working out a schedule with your ex and sticking to it can be in your children's best interest.

1. Spell things out. Put your agreement in writing and be sure that you both have the same understanding of the schedule.

2. Be specific: when deciding on joint custody or visitation terms, be very specific about what you mean. For example, if your ex has the kids every other weekend, when does the weekend begin and end? For us, it started after school on Friday and ended Monday morning when school began, except on Monday holidays when it ended Tuesday morning at the start of school. Defining and agreeing to these terms helped us to avoid misunderstandings and arguments.

3. Try to avoid changing the schedule based on parent needs. I have to admit, in the beginning, my ex was better about this than I was. Our daughter spent half of her time with each of us, so once we got used to the idea, it was easy to make plans based on the schedule. Our schedule allowed each of us to have an adult social life or take classes without fear that the other would suddenly need to change the schedule.

4. Flexibility: sometimes the schedule may need to be changed to accommodate your child's activities. She may be invited to a party or have a sports event that she wants to attend. Your child may feel torn about making this decision: it is our job as parents to help her feel that it is okay to choose to be with her friends or her team instead of spending time with family. Parents need to say, "its okay with me if you want to do this" instead of "do what you want." The difference is that the first statement tells the child clearly that the parent is giving permission for the child to want to do something else, while the second communicates ambivalence.

5. Play fair: would you accept the terms you expect your ex to accept?

This advice is most appropriate for parents with children in...
Preschool and Younger
Elementary School
Middle School
High School & Beyond