My children are 3, 4, and 8 and I don't want to raise a school-shooter, if you know what I mean. I want my children to feel comfortable coming to me in any situation, knowing that I will be supportive without fear of what their dad may say. When he yells at them, he tells them they're bad or other things that would hurt my feelings if I were a child. No one ever talked or yelled at me that way. I don't understand where he is coming from!
This isn't about who is the better parent or who loves the kids more. My guess is that your husband feels resentful toward you for neglecting your family as you pursued your career. I bet that he has felt overwhelmed for some time with more than his "fair share" of parenting the kids. Because he really doesn't know how to discipline in other ways, he falls back on his military, hard-nosed tactics and applies them to disciplining his kids. He needs help in learning other ways to discipline and to relate to his children. So do you. It's easy for you to play the "nice, kind mom" against his screaming, condemning drill sergeant. It hasn't helped matters that you have called him an idiot and worse in front of your kids. If you show him no respect, what example does that set for your kids? I'm not saying that you should go along with his punishing discipline techniques, but you damage your kids when you ridicule and condemn your husband in front of them.
I implore you to get some good family therapy and marriage counseling. The basis of this therapy will not be to prove you right and him wrong. It will be to get you both on the same page, as equal partners, in parenting and disciplining your kids. You will learn creative, successful discipline techniques that work. You will need to learn how to value and respect each other again or else all the wonderful discipline techniques in the world won't bring harmony to your family. I guarantee you that your kids will not feel safe and secure in your family until you and your husband make a dedicated effort to improve your marriage. Do this to save your marriage and do this to give your kids a chance for a decent childhood. Thanks for writing.