Struggle to like step-sons - FamilyEducation
Struggle to like step-sons
07/24/2011 at 09:19 AM


It's my first time on this site but I'm really hoping some words of wisdom will be passed on to me to help me with this situation.

My partner and I have been together for nearly three years, live together and have just had a baby son together who is nearly three months old. My two children also live with us, my son who is ten and my daughter who is six. My partner has two sons aged six and four who he sees every weekend and they stay at our house once every three weeks.

I can honestly say I have always had an intense dislike for his boys and could not explain why. I have discussed it with friends and as childish as it sounds put it down to a jealousy issue.... mainly for the time and money he spends with/on them and also that he gets to be the 'fun' one with them and give them back to their mother at the end of the time he spends! My two kids live with him and therefore the rules that we have all put in place, they have to live by. When his sons are at our house, my children are expected to share all of their belongings, space and time which to begin with was not a problem when they were younger but as my ten year old is growing up (too quickly!) he wants his own private space and time and doesn't particularly want a four year old messing about with his belongings.

Also, at Christmas, I found my daughter and my partner's oldest son in her room where I thought they were playing with her toys. He was naked, telling her to lick his privates. I immediately took her out of the room and into my room where she started to cry and told me he was always telling her to do that. I raged to say the least and rang Parentline for advice. Social Services were informed and my partner's son admitted that he had seen boys at school doing that and he thought it was a game. His younger brother said that he had been asked to do it too. We were advised to not make the children feel naughty or that they were to be punished but to supervise their playing. My 'stepsons' are not allowed in my daughter's room under any circumstances and we monitor their playing. I remind my daughter that her body is her own private body and that everyone else's body is private to them and to tell me if anyone asks or tells her to do anything with them.

I just cannot seem to let this go.... I still have such strong negative feelings for my partner's sons and almost use this as ammunition to dislike them. It's putting a huge strain on my relationship with my partner because on one hand I can't bear to have his kids in the house but on the other I can't bear for him to be leading a separate life; going out having fun with his boys when he's missing out on time with our baby.

My son is becoming more and more aware of the tension I feel when they are in the house and constantly checks that I'm ok. He has sacrificed his bedroom for when they stay as they are no longer allowed to sleep in her room. It makes me doubly angry because he has told me he it's ok for them to stay in his bedroom because otherwise my partner will get angry and we'll argue.

Once I would have put up a fight for my relationship but my children and their well being is priority to me. I know my partner will put his children first too understandably. Does this sound too dramatic to finish the relationship? Thank you so much for reading this and I hope I haven't waffled too much.


I think it would be helpful to vent to a professional about your anger over the sex-play incident. Has the personnel at the boys' school been notified? I understand that your daughter was the most recent victim, but your stepsons have also been violated. Realize that if you can put the emotion into perspective it will be much better for your daughter. If you obsess over this, it will make it a bigger trauma for her. Kind of like ripping the bandage off of an injury every 1/2 hour to see if the wound is healing.

But here's a question. Why would your BF have a child with a woman who did not like his children? You have signed up for a lifetime with this man whether you remain with him or not. For the rest of your baby's life, this man is his father. These boys are his half-brothers. They only get to visit their dad. If you leave him, your son will also just be visiting. How very sad.