Stepdaughter may live with us? - FamilyEducation
Stepdaughter may live with us?
12/01/2008 at 19:33 PM

HI Everyone;

I am having the worse anxiety at the thought of my 12 year old step daughter live with my husband and I is causing me great stress, Up until years ago I would have welcomed her into my home, but the past couple of years have been tough, when my stepdaughter turnred 10 she figured out how to manipulate her dad and play her mother against her father. (Even though I have great concerns about her mothers parenting skills) 1 1/2 years ago we found that my step daughter had a massive brain tumor in the brainstem, this news devastated everyone and our main objective was to get her well and happy again. This diagnosis changed my husband, I could understand it, I didn't do anything but support all of them emotionally and financially. My husband took time of work to be with his daughter, after she left the hospital she stayed with us the enitire summer and I still paid support to her mom. Now that my stepdaughter is recovered from the surgery ( for now) she and my husband are inseparable,which for the most part I can understand,but she has taken on the role of a adult,she talks to her dad like total crap, she guilts him out to extremes and so does her mother ie this could be her last Christmas,summer,birthday in turn all of his attention goes to her, I get all of the backlash, if he says it to the ex. she'll stop him from seeing his daughter and he can't say it to the daughter, many other people have noticed this change in him and doesn't feel it's healthy, some have even called it emotional incest for the additional reasons, he tells her finacial issues, about arguments between his ex or myself and him, he always has babied her, I fear I can't live 24hrs a day like this, but than I feel  I am being selfish. any feedback will be more appreciated than you know.

You need to tell him that if the girl does come to live in YOUR home there will be rules and no games. If he can not accept that then he has the choice between a marriage councellor or a divorce attorney. It is that simple. harsh cold but the way it has to be. The fact that the girl had a brain tumor is irrelevant, and should not have anything to do with how she is raised. If the cancer is beat into complete remission, does she have an excuse for being an ill mannered horrid person? Letting her get away with that nonsense is doing her a disservice. We all need to live each day as if it is our last, but that does not mean burning bridges like the girl is.

If someone ever attempted to make me choose between my kids and them, it would be the divorce attorney. Dragon, what experience do you have with brain tumors? What experience do you have with your own children being critically or even terminally ill? With most brain tumors the first method of treatment is surgical resection, followed by chemo, radiation, or a mixture of the two. Depending on the type of tumor, and where it was located in the brain, a recurrence could be a death sentence. It is quite understandable that a parent might overcompensate when given a second chance with their child after such a scary diagnosis. As for the cancer being in complete remission, it is a moot point. Remission is usually after three years without a recurrence. As for her having an excuse for being ill mannered, she had brain surgery. In case you are unaware, the brain is what controls every part of us. From muscle movement, and even our personality. A very common side effect after undergoing brain surgery is a change in personality. This, as you described, “Ill mannered horrid person” has been through more than any child should ever have to go through. This child has had to come to terms with the very real possibility of never walking out of the hospital, and yet she still went.

First off, I never said I wanted my husband to choose.secondly I indicated that the behaviors started long before the tumor,the tumor is in the brain stem and could only be partially removed,the tumor is benign which at this point doesn't matter,because the location of it is just as unsettling.You may have noticed I have CHOOSE to support all of them including the stepdaughters mother. I was just simply asking for feed back on how to deal with this situation.I have 2 children whom both have had life threatening illnesses,1 spinal meningitis and the other who was born premature with a lot of complications and on a heart monitor for a year.So I am no stranger to having a child that has a life threatening medical problem.

You need to read the entire post.most of your comments are due to speculation. And Iam very aware of the causes of brain tumors and surgery.

Sorry sngl dad I thought your comments where directed at me.I guess I got to worked up.

No harm. Are we talking about an ependymoma in the cerebellum? Just a guess.

The tumor she has is called Pilocytic Astrocytoma, which they say is a low grade tumor,but the info. I have read it still doesn't seem good because it's couldn't be totally removed,there is still 25% left in the brain stem wrapped around the nerves.

Low grade is still quite serious when growing in such enclosed places as the skull and spinal column. The pressure caused by the abnormal growth can damage surrounding tissue. There are so many questions I want to ask to get a better feel for her prognosis, but this is truly none of my business. When dealing with this in my household (wife) I found a lot of information on the American Brain Tumor Assoc. web site. They have a complete section dealing with childhood tumors. This subject really hits home. It just breaks my heart to hear of any child having to endure such an illness.

Hi Sngl/Dad I don't mind answering questions the best I can, Your knowledge may help me out aswell. Sorry to hear that you have also experienced this illness in your family. Thank you for the website information I will check it out.