Step-daughter and baby moved in and I'm going insane - FamilyEducation
Step-daughter and baby moved in and I'm going insane
08/09/2011 at 00:46 AM

My husband and I met back in 2006, and the both of us were between the ages of 33-36. He immediately shared that he had a 14 year old daughter from his previous marriage. I was perfectly fine with that, and I was very well aware that it would take time for her and I to adjust to each other. Especially for her, because her Dad dedicated a good 10-11 years after the divorce to the church and his daughter. I was adviced by many experienced couples including my parents that, marrying someone with children from a previous relationship was a huge challenge that all to many couples fail.

We are now going on 2 years of marriage. She is now 19 yrs old, and the first year of marriage she slept with her mothers 21 yr old live in BF and got pregnant. Sadly, this mother accepted him back in the home along with my SD. She continued to live with her mother/mother's BF-who is also the babies daddy (Awkward, and Inappropriate by any standards.

My husband has always tried to overcompensate his daughter, because of her mothers lack of priorities. She has no responsibilies, no goals, lazy, very messy and unclean with the home and her body, lives in a fantasy, expects to much of every one including her father, thinks the world is in debt with her, and strongly believes she's gonna get off on an easy ride while living with us. Unfortunately she was brought up this way by her mother, who has been handed everything to her from her Dad(a home paid off, vehicle, credit cards, etc.)She lives thinking that her dad may somehow provide that same lifestyle, but he isn't filthy rich like her grandfather. At the moment I have been venting like a bull dog to my husband because, I feel he should deal with these issues. I do not want to become the wicked SM, who's constantly barking up her tree, every time I expect something done in our home. In addition, she has decided to reinitiate a relationship with her previous boyfriend, who happens to be the foster brother of her babies father. It really sound like a horrible Jerry Springer episode, but it's a cruel reality.
I do not know how to approach her about my expectations of her while living here. She is 20 yrs old, but the mentality of a 14 yr old raising a child. Should I set guidelines and house rules so there's not this going back and forth that I never told her certain things weren't allowed? How do I push her to become independent, when she dropped out of HS, and lies about applying for jobs. She lost all government aid, because of failure to cooperate with the guidelines required. I am at my wits end, and super overwhelmed. I had my 2nd Kidney Transplant in April 2009, and married in Sep of 09, and feel as though my husband and I have never been able to enjoy our marriage without chaotic, dramatic issues, his daughter has brought upon herself, and now everyone else has to pay the price for her mistakes. She knows her Dad and I absolutely adore and love our grandbaby,and cannot imagine life without him. He is our precious little angel, and I do not want her using him as a tool, to keep us feeling guilty that we can't put her out at any given moment.

How do I establish a peaceful relationship with her, while still expecting her to make a move towards getting herself a Job, Get her GED, Being a help around the home, and eventually getting out?

I have read your story & I have found it painful but take courage,, you will be happy always ..!!

I believe a discussion of how responsibilities are divided is in order. It is important that you understand how much and how little authority you have in your situation. Your husband's first allegiance is to his daughter and grandbaby. If you are willing to make all the concessions that will be asked of you, you can make it work, but I think it would be very difficult for me. Are there any other children in the home?

Thanks for your reply. There are no other children in the home, and conceding to some things will take adjusting to, but not willing to concede all the way. I believe there has to be a comprimise in this situation.

It is painful, because you don't plan for these things but as you have said, Happiness is something that we have to seek, and hold onto regardless of the present situations. However, there are times in which people around you make it extremely difficult for you to attain such happiness.

Thank you so much for your post. __________________ Watch Zookeeper Online Free

I haven't posted any updates on our current situation. I have been dealing with some health issues. We had to put my step-daughter out back in October of last year, because she went off and got herself pregnant again. She went off to live her boyfriend in his foster brother and girlfriend's 1 bedroom apartment, and that arrangement only lasted until 2 weeks ago. Now, she is back here with us and in a few months the bank will take over our property due to filing bankruptcy. Her boyfriend has proven to be the most disrespectful, dishonest, lazy, and irresponsible person who has yet to follow through on any of his promises. Moreover, I am the one doing the searching and calling for shelters, social services, and housing to help her out. My husband and I are trying hard to keep it together, but we are desperate to find a solution to get her out on her own. We need some wisdom and direction

I married my wife 15 years ago and she had a 6 year old daughter. All my friends and family warned me.I was insecure, passive, and an appeaser. She was insecure, irresponsible, manipulative, and ultra controlling. Our dysfunction matched perfectly. And on top of that was the step daughters abusive father and step mother.It went on for years.It ruined my career, my mental and physical health. Our three children have suffered too.The marriage has not changed.I have tried to get some recovery and therapy.She would rather be right than be happy and maintain her uninspired, non-aspiring lifestyle.Financially it has been a nightmare.start over.Look up the book People of the LIe. Dont be afraid of how they will react, be afraid of living in that prison for the rest of what will be a short and misserable life. And if your husband does "love" you he should set you free from his burden. In situations like these, love has nothing to to with it!

I hadn't thought about that book for many years, but it is a very useful book. People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck.

I found a new friend who is 60 and has been through the entire dysfunctional process. She shared her story, it was so much the same as mine. She has been divorced for 15 years now. She gave me the book to help me identify with dealing with people with no real heart and soul. Iv'e read just enough to get the idea. It is very interesting to hear a therapist honestly tell how they judge people who are totally unkind (he calls them evil). I knew early on in the marriage that these people were messed up but, I didn't know how deeply. I always thought that most people thought and behaved close to the same level of mental health. Not even close. I truly believe in that if you have one good, close, trusted, and nurturing friend in your life your are very fortunate.

@SeanG Thanks for your reply....Before I got married back in 09, I thought this over so hard because I knew very well she was a problem teen. However, I felt "Why should we pay the price of sacrificing our love for one another, because his daughter is a mess". I realized it's a risk you take when you marry someone with children. At this point I'm praying I find a proper shelter for her and her children, that will provide the necessary resources she needs. Especially counseling, because she is really messed up.

marili You are the sacrificial lamb here and you don't even know it. Sometimes people do not give honest advice because they are too afraid of hurting that persons feelings. You are opening up all your accounts to people who will turn their backs on you when you have nothing left to give. You have to take care of your responsibilities not other's. In the end you will see what a mistake you have made and continued to make for yourself. The three control dramas that people use; The poor me, The interrogator, The aloof, and The intimidator. You are reacting to these instead of looking right through the game. Like I said before, your husband is using you, he is putting this burden on you intentionally or unintentionally. Either way its wrong for you.

So sad,it's really tough..I've been there & end up to divorce..but the daughter stow away when she gets pregnant,my ex husband & I patch things up & go back in each others arms again bec.we love each other.As soon she found out I moved backin the house she ask her Dad she wants to move back..but ex-husband said "No"firmly.Now everything is normal,I'm sorry to say but I think your husband should be the one to make a decision or to talk to her that everything she's doing is not acceptable,don't tolerate her it sounds she's manipulating you guys & using an innocent baby.

Your absolutely right!I agreed with you..The husband should be the one to make a move or set rules for he's daughter,shes manipulating & trying to get the attention..I like what you've nothing to do with it."Respect" is the spice,if everybody's respect each other feelings there's no issue at all..

After a month of her living with us, my husband decided to contact her while she was out having breakfast with her mother, and told her she could no longer return to our home. In addition, told her that he instructed me not to open the door to her until she comes to terms that she must grow up and begin to make adult decisions that benefit the life of her children. "Not that I wouldn't allow her to visit because it's obvious I love my grandson". However, it was his way of letting her know "enough is enough" and also forcing her mother to have no other choice but to take her in. Taking it day by day, but my husband did say if faced with this situation again he will put her in a shelter for women and children. It's horrible to make a decision like that because of the children, but at some point you have to send a strong message "Get your life straight, go on birth control, get and education and stop depending on others to fix your mistakes".