My husband and I met back in 2006, and the both of us were between the ages of 33-36. He immediately shared that he had a 14 year old daughter from his previous marriage. I was perfectly fine with that, and I was very well aware that it would take time for her and I to adjust to each other. Especially for her, because her Dad dedicated a good 10-11 years after the divorce to the church and his daughter. I was adviced by many experienced couples including my parents that, marrying someone with children from a previous relationship was a huge challenge that all to many couples fail.
We are now going on 2 years of marriage. She is now 19 yrs old, and the first year of marriage she slept with her mothers 21 yr old live in BF and got pregnant. Sadly, this mother accepted him back in the home along with my SD. She continued to live with her mother/mother's BF-who is also the babies daddy (Awkward, and Inappropriate by any standards.
My husband has always tried to overcompensate his daughter, because of her mothers lack of priorities. She has no responsibilies, no goals, lazy, very messy and unclean with the home and her body, lives in a fantasy, expects to much of every one including her father, thinks the world is in debt with her, and strongly believes she's gonna get off on an easy ride while living with us. Unfortunately she was brought up this way by her mother, who has been handed everything to her from her Dad(a home paid off, vehicle, credit cards, etc.)She lives thinking that her dad may somehow provide that same lifestyle, but he isn't filthy rich like her grandfather. At the moment I have been venting like a bull dog to my husband because, I feel he should deal with these issues. I do not want to become the wicked SM, who's constantly barking up her tree, every time I expect something done in our home. In addition, she has decided to reinitiate a relationship with her previous boyfriend, who happens to be the foster brother of her babies father. It really sound like a horrible Jerry Springer episode, but it's a cruel reality.
I do not know how to approach her about my expectations of her while living here. She is 20 yrs old, but the mentality of a 14 yr old raising a child. Should I set guidelines and house rules so there's not this going back and forth that I never told her certain things weren't allowed? How do I push her to become independent, when she dropped out of HS, and lies about applying for jobs. She lost all government aid, because of failure to cooperate with the guidelines required. I am at my wits end, and super overwhelmed. I had my 2nd Kidney Transplant in April 2009, and married in Sep of 09, and feel as though my husband and I have never been able to enjoy our marriage without chaotic, dramatic issues, his daughter has brought upon herself, and now everyone else has to pay the price for her mistakes. She knows her Dad and I absolutely adore and love our grandbaby,and cannot imagine life without him. He is our precious little angel, and I do not want her using him as a tool, to keep us feeling guilty that we can't put her out at any given moment.
How do I establish a peaceful relationship with her, while still expecting her to make a move towards getting herself a Job, Get her GED, Being a help around the home, and eventually getting out?