12/21/2009 at 13:31 PM

My step children want to be able to sleep with their father on their weekends with us. I don't know how I feel about this, but I don't think I would like my sleeping routine bothered because they are over for the weekend. They are 12 and 9. Is this okay or should I just let them have their co-sleeping wish.

In my opinion, children are better served in their own bed. It teaches them to be independent. You and your husband should love your children all day and give them hugs and encouragment and then let them go to sleep alone in their own bed. They do not need their dad 24 hours per day, sleeping they can and should do on their own.

If they are sick or if they jump in bed for a story or if they hop up in the morning for a hug that's different. Also, you and your husband should be sleeping together not them.


Do not allow your step-children to sleep with their father. You and your husband are a married couple and should continue to sleep together and expect the children to behave as a 12 and 9 y/o should and sleep on their own. Do the children sleep with their mother? What might her reaction be to them sleeping with their father? It is likely she would not be happy with them co-sleeping which could cause problems for your husband and you.


I agree with the other posters. Do not allow the children to sleep with their father during visits. A 9 and 12 year old most certainly do not need their Dad to sleep at night and you have every right to your time with him in the evening!


I agree with everything except "you have a right to your time with him in the evening." A bedtime routine that includes lots of snuggling is really good for nine and twelve year old children. If they'll sit on his lap or up close on the couch for a twenty minute story, that's great for all of them. If they get to stay up til 10 because it's the holidays, that's great, too. You have a right to your time with him when they are at their mother's house.


What sex are the kids? Especially the 12 year-old?

I should preface this by saying I don't have children, and I don't mean to sound like a pervert, but I don't think it is appropriate for a 12 year-old girl to sleep with her father; or for a 12 year-old boy to sleep with his step-mother.


I agree with your comment and they definetely to snuggle alot before bedtime on the couch and sit on his lap many times during the evening. I just don't want to take away some very important times for connecting with their father. That is why I posted the question. But when it comes to bedtime, should I let them maybe once a month sleep together or should I just make it a rule not to.


Boundaries need to be taught and firmly established which is part of your job as parents. Their father (and you) need to make it the rule for the children to always sleep on their own when they are at your home. My stepsons were 9 and 12 when my husband and I married. The first night they stayed over, when it was bedtime, the younger son asked us if he could sleep with his father. My husband said no, you are a big boy, gave hugs to both boys and left the room. Your husband needs to be the one to enforce the rule, and it needs to be for every visit.


Why does everyone make such a big deal about children sleeping with their parents. Peoples minds have turned innocents into UGLY. I am so tired of people putting negitivity on everything. Have you asked the children why they want to sleep with their parent? Allot of it has to do with missing him/her and wanting that bonding and closeness that they are missing out of. If there was something going on you would be able to notice it. It just inocent..Nothing more nothing less..You people with the neg comments should have your head looked at. Your just sick to keep jumping to the same conclussion.....what has this world come too...


Older boys and men have a physiological response during sleep that can be very confusing if the bed is being shared. If the child is already stressed because the family is divorced, the confusion can be just one more thing for a child who is already overloaded. If you are willing to take the initiative and explain that daddy's erection is normal and not a response to having a 12 year old girl (or boy) in his bed, and if you are sure that that is true, then it would be okay. If you are sure that mommy is not getting turned on from her 12 year old son's erection, and that he is not becoming confused, then it would be okay. I just think it is reasonable caution to allow older children their own beds. Sorry to be so blunt!

Younger boys, kids with their moms, there is no confusing physiological response.


Well put, acitez! Your statements are accurate and need to be blunt. Some of the children with whom I work have had confusion from that situation which has caused psychological damage. My own stepsons continue to be confused by their physiological response while sleeping with their mother (at her request, and she is a child psychologist!) up until recently. My husband and I had to teach his sons to have the boundaries their mother lacks.

And, NO child should be sleeping with a step-parent!!!!!


I think it is occassionally ok for the father to sleep with the kids but not in the marital bed. It shouldn't be a weekly routine that he sleep with the children. I understand that they may miss him and just want to feel close to him and maybe this would make them feel more secure. I see nothing wrong with occassionally blowing up a mattress and letting them all sleep in the living room.