Parents divorced, mom's new boyfriend, problem. - FamilyEducation
Parents divorced, mom's new boyfriend, problem.
12/20/2010 at 17:47 PM

Hello, this is the first time i am posting to an English forum, sorry for my English it is not my first language. I can understand pretty nice but I can’t write too good.
My name is George I am 16 years old, I have a brother 12 years old. 4 years before my parents got divorced. They didn’t tell us the reason but they said that they wanted to do it years before but they were afraid that my brother would get hurt that’s why they waiting him getting older . We are living with my mother, my father moved to another city (500 km from us) so we are seeing each other 2 or 3 times a year, he wasn’t really a good father and actually I wanted them to get divorced . 1 year after my parents broke up my mother introduced to us her new friend, he was a good man, he was playing with us, playstation, football, etc. And after some time he moved to our home and we lived together. But about 7 months later they broke up, I asked my mother why, but she didn’t tell me, she just said that they were actually different characters. Of course i didn’t liked this because i already thought, he was gonna be my new dad. He was also too close with me and my little brother. But I knew that it wasn’t my decision. Anyway about one and half year later my mother has introduced to us her new boyfriend, he was nothing like the previous. He weren’t play with us and we aren’t that close like we were with my mom’s ex-boyfriend. The good news are that he is rich, not that much of course but we are living in his house now, it’s bigger, this is the first time I am sleeping in my own room, I have pc, playstation, internet and everything else I want. The bad thing is the relationship with my step-dad, and that I left my old house and I can’t see my old friends now. Anyway, it is already a year and a few months that we are all living together. My mom and her fiancé are often go out at nights and spent their time like normal new pair. When they are in the house they are kissing each other all the time and having fun. One day when I came early form the school and I saw them in the balcony my mom is sitting in his laps and they were talking in a different way than they were when we (the kids) are home (you know what I mean), I pretend that I didn’t saw them. Anyway that wasn’t the problem because she did that kind of thing with her previous boyfriend and I can understand it. The problem is that one night about 22:00 I wanted to go to toilet near and I heard them having sex. I was shocked, I never wanted to heard something like that. I went back to my room and I was really angry but I couldn’t do anything about this. The next day I were in my room, and if I am absolutely quiet I am able hear them even from my room. I put my earphones and I am listening music very aloud. But sometimes I wanna sleep and I still hear them. I knew that every Friday and Saturday they will have sex. So I am trying to do anything else I can so I wouldn’t hear them. I know that is absolutely natural that they are having sex but I really don’t want to hear them. What should I do? Should I leave the house, and live with my father? I really don’t want to do that. Should I stay and pretend every night that I didn’t hear anything? I am very shy and I can’t speak to my mom for that kind of thing. So I m asking if that’s natural and everyone have to endure it in his life. Please help.

It is normal even in families where the parents are still married for the children to be uncomfortable about parents' sex. My parents were married until my father died at age 80 and I never wanted to know about their sex life. I think you should get involved with sports or some other community activity so that you have other things to think about, and so you sleep better.

It used to bother my siblings and me also to hear my parents, whose room was right beside ours when growing up. After my older sister got her nerve up and told my mother what we could hear, they would turn their radio on to cover up the noise, which was marginally better. My siblings and I said we would try our best not to cause our children the same discomfort. Though I did try to be circumspect, my children told me recently they could at times hear the same thing, and said they did not have the nerve to tell me at the time. As a mother, I can tell you that your mother would probably appreciate it if you would just tell her, so she could try to rectify the situation. I really would have preferred my children had done so.

mayamay You think sports would make me feel better? 2xstepmom How can you telling your parents about these things? i am so shy, i really can't do it. When they turn the radio on you still knew that they had sex right? Didn't you felt uncomfortable?

I think that you will be more likely to fall asleep quickly if you increase your activity, through a sport or other activity--drama, music, art classes, . . .. I also think that having relationships and activities that are interesting in your own life will give you other things to think about than what your mother is doing. I think that if this bothers you at other times during the day than when it is actually happening then you are focusing too much attention on your mother's activities, and don't have enough going on in your own life.

mayamay Well it's true that when i am hearing them, images come to my head, but i think sport won't do me any good because everytime i would see my mom and my step-dad kissing or something i would automatically remember their voices. And that's bad.

Yes, we did still know, and yes, it did make us feel uncomfortable. It makes me more uncomfortable to know that my children could hear and that they did not tell me so we could curtail our activites. My adult daughter moved in with my husband and me over 2 years ago and we do our utmost to never do anything that could possibly make her feel uncomfortable. Perhaps you could write your mother a note to let her know your concerns. Do you have a relative, peer or adult friend who could help you compose a note?

I can write a note, but it's not my style. I prefer to say it. Anyway i would try to do something, i guess i have no other way, but i am really shy, i need more time.

im exactly experiencing a similar situation ....people only face these problem will know how harsh this is :(