new step son - FamilyEducation
new step son
06/19/2008 at 05:48 AM

Hi

I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we have 3 children together.  He recently found out that he has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship.  He has started to see him but has completely pushed me out.  We argue all the time.  I try to be supportive but all i get is that its none of my business.  i dont know what to do!!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I do not have any experience in this at all, but I did have some thoughts on this that I hope may be helpful:


Has your husband had a paternity test done to be sure it is his son?


Second, If he hasn't talked to an attorney yet, I would do so right away--Hopefully one who specializes in paternity issues/father's rights.


Your husband likely is extremely stressed by this shocking revelation (of course you are, too). I'm sure he must have a whole lot of conflicting emotions going on right now. Perhaps by leaning on the expertise of a good attorney, some of his concerns can be allayed somewhat, and some sense of a new normalcy for you all can begin.


It has to be a very difficult time for you. I wish you well.

cid
5820

Ok, I posted to you after your original post. But after reading your subsequent posts and you providing more information, I think I have a totally different view on things.

I was willing to think that his behavior was due to the shock of the new revelation of his having a 9-year-old son, but now I agree with the other posters that his behaviors give off too many red flags:


-he knew she was pregnant (so he knew there was a likelihood of a child), and I'm guessing he never told you about this? Or w


-he had a past affair---he should be doing all he can to earn your trust now, and he's certainly not doing that by calling you *paranoid* and saying that you are trying to stop him from seeing his son (trying to throw in the guilt trip on you.


-he refuses to have a paternity test done (I think any attorney would recommend that as a smart thing to do)


-He hides his mobile phone and wallet and has changed all his internet passwords. (that's a big red flag to me!- what is he hiding?)


You need to protect yourself and your three children. Now I think it would be a good idea for you to consult an attorney. If this 9 year old boy is his son, won't he have to pay child support payments? I don't know the law, but could there even be retroactive payments? Besides all the emotional issues, there could be major financial ones, as well. If your husband won't be united with you and see an attorney about these issues, you still need answers for yourself.

cid
5905

In a marriage your husband's business is your business too. If he does not feel this issue is any of your concern then I would imagine there are already problems with your marriage. I too recommend a paternity test and, if I were you, I would sit him down and have a long talk about marriage and family. Not only does this new son effect you, but it also effect the children you already have with your husband. This child is a new family member and if your husband does not see that, he's going in the wrong direction with this and troubles are ahead of you all.
cid
5827

I think it depends on how recently he found out. It may take him some time to get to grips with how he feels about things. He needs to get to know his son first and perhaps needs to do this alone before he becomes part of a bigger family with all that this entails. Just let him know that you are there for him when he feels ready to explore it with you.
cid
5838

P.S. I also think that a DNA test would be a good thing but the subject would have to be tactfully introduced to avoid conflict.
cid
5839

You need to find out why he's pushing you out. Talk to your husband. If I were in your shoes, I'd want to know why I cldn't be involved. Is he hiding something? The least he can do is discuss this w/ you so you know where you and he stands w/ this. What's his problem, anyway? I'd be both angry and hurt if he discluded me. Maybe you guys shld seek counceling. I really feel strongly, in any case, that he shld open up to you. If he doesn't, you're always going to wonder why, and if not resolved, this issue will put a strain on your marriage. You shld tell your husband exactly how you feel, and try to get him to communicate w/ you. Good luck!
cid
5846

he refuses to have a paternity test cos he said he knew she was pregnant and the child looks like him. He says that he wants me to one day be involved but we need to compromise and work together. its just that what he says and what he does are 2 different things. My son is very clingy to his dad and when jason goes to see his new son my little boy crys. Jaosn comes home late every time he goes and misses putting our son to bed. If i try to call while he is there he turns off his phone. He cant understand why i get so upset. Hesays if i cant accept the situation then i can leave. I want to be supportive but its like living in limbo!!
cid
5848

My brother went through the exact same thing as ludicrous as that sounds. He found out he had a son when he was 7 (but to make matters worse, he had been married for 9 years...ouch!) Anyway, it took him a long time to come to terms with everything that had been robbed of both him and his son. I mean months went by before anyone could even talk to him about it. I think too, a big chunk of his problem was embarrassment. He felt like, how could this child have been out there and me not know? What kind of man does that make me? He had a lot to come to terms with. My advice would be to give him space, but make sure he knows you are there for him when he needs it and understand the confusion/sense of loss for the years missed/blow to his pride he is going through. I think before anyone in our family could connect with his son, my brother had to first and that's not easy when the child is that old already, because that child has issues to work out too. Not much, but hope it helps.
cid
5849

thanks for that. I will try and be more patient. I need to get over my hang ups about the ex as well. she was my husbands first - sexually and love. We lack trust in our relationship (he had an affair a couple of years ago but thats another issue!)so i am completely paranoid about her. hopefully in time it will all work out.. wish i could forward time to when it will be easier cos getting there is so hard!
cid
5859

I think I urged patience but that was before you said that he had an affair a couple of years ago. I think I would be worried too now in light of that.
cid
5874

I agree w/ junieg. Something is fishy here. I'd be concerned that he may be having an affair w/ this other woman. The red flags went up when you said he comes home late. You come first in this relationship. Stand up to your husband, and put him in his place. This behavior is unacceptable, and he needs to know that. It's up to you, but I personally wldn't put up w/ any of it. First seek counceling, and after that, if you still don't see a change in your husband, I'd reconsider your relationship w/ him. That's just my opinion.
cid
5887

Just wanted to add, I don't understand why your husband won't go for a paternity test. If he really cares about how you feel, wldn't he want to put your mind at ease? Does he feel that you don't trust him? But then why wld you trust him, if he had a previous affair and he's being so vague about the whole thing? I don't know if this boy is your husband's son or not, but why not take the paternity test to be sure? In any case, is it possible that he's using this as an excuse to get back w/ his ex? I hope for your sake that this isn't the case, but be on your guard. For your husband to tell you that if you don't like the situation, you can leave, is really messed up. That's totally disrespectful to you and your relationship, and I wldn't accept it. That's just me.
cid
5892

i dont know what to think. I have told him that if he doesnt want to be with me to tell me staight and we will finish. He says he loves and me and doesnt want to leave me. He is just so secretive about everything. He hides his mobile phone and wallet and has changed all his internet passwords. If i ask him he just says i am being paranoid and am trying to stop himseeing his son. I would never do that as i think children come first and they should know each other. He tells me he doesnt see his ex at all but she emailed me saying that iw ould never meet her son as my hubby ahd told her that our relationship was all but finished. When i confronted him he said he had told her that we were fighting all the time and if it carried on we would probably split up. He reckons she was hassling him to see the child more and he was trying to get her to back off. It hurts to think he discusses me with her especially so negatively
cid
5897

I agree. Your husband shld NOT be discussing you or your relationship w/ this other woman at all. If he's there to see his son, if in fact this is his son, then that's all he shld be concerned w/. You're none of this other woman's business. Oh my God! I wld be so pissed! Do you know where this woman lives? Also, cld you possibly try to get more proof so you can confront your husband w/ it? Cld it be possible that this other woman is jealous of you b/c of her previous relationship w/ your husband? I don't know. It all seems very suspicious. And look at the effect it's having on your child. Doesn't your husband care about that? Just for the way he's treating you, I wld seriously consider leaving this man. I know this must be really hard for you, but I'd hate to see you stay in this relationship and continue to get hurt. For your sake, and for the sake of your child, seek counceling w/ your husband. If he refuses, move on w/ your life. You don't need this kind of treatment, and your child doesn't need to be hurting either. I wish you the best in whatever you decide. I hope it all works out for you.
cid
5903