MY STEPDAUGHTER
08/24/2009 at 16:12 PM

I MET MY STEPDAUGHTER 8 YEARS AGO AND SINCE THEN SHE HAS LIED STOLE THREATENED AND ASSULTED ME AS A RESULT I AM BLIND IN MY EYE SHE WAS TAKEN OUT OF THE HOME AND HAD A BABY SAID SHE WAS SORRY FOR WHAT SHE DID AND NOW EXPECTS DAD AND ME TO PAY FOR HER WEDDING DRESS I STILL HAVE FEELINGS OF HATE TOWARDS HER AND DISTRUST FOR OBVIOUS REASONS WHAT SHOULD I DO? CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE?

Forgive her for your husband's sake but don't trust her completely, make her earn that trust back. Having feelings of hate towards anyone will eat you alive--so forgive for your own mental health.

Marti

http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

cid
14942

Hi Marti when she came to say she was sorry she wanted to talk to me alone and i said anything you have to say you say it in front of your dad and boyfriend now her soon to be husband and she said she was sorry and we hugged but i still feel panic attacks when i get close to her and i really dont want to go to her wedding and when she assualted me it was in front of my young children she threw a drinking glass at my face and that blinded me in one eye i want to go for my husband because i do so love him but the things she still does shows me that she still is the same mean person and she is only being nice to get what she wants more advice thanks

cid
14943

momof3 -

I believe you should buy her wedding dress and attend her wedding. I don't believe you need to have her to your home for dinner, go on family outings or spend time with you or your children. If you are fearful of her because she assaulted you or because she is "mean" then avoid spending personal time with her.

Buying her wedding dress and attending the wedding will serve you well in the end. Maybe she is being nice just to get what she wants, but showing love and respect will reflect upon you and build your own personal character. The reason you should buy the dress is because you try to be a good person. If she chooses to manipulate to get what she wants then so be it. That is her character; you can only control who you are.

You should do this to show yourself, your husband and your children what it means to be generous, forgiving and kind. You are not risking your safety or the children's safety by purchasing the dress. I would limit how much contact she has with you and your children, but I would graciously buy the dress and attend the wedding.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

cid
14947

Thank you tamz for your great advice i think i will do just that thank you again

cid
14950

I have a whole different viewpoint on this, and forgive my late reply. She blinded you in the eye, correct? Do you think that deserves a kind gesture in return? Are you kidding me?!? The girl took away your eyesight. She's lucky you didn't sue her or do something worse if you cld. While I understand what Tamz is saying, I personally wld NOT give this girl a cent, let alone a wedding dress. Where does she come off asking for that? I can't believe people aren't appauled by this girl's actions. I don't care that this girl said sorry. Momof3 said her step-daughter truly isn't sorry by the way she's still acting. What does that tell you? This girl is a manipulative b****! No way wld I give her anything except a piece of my mind! If dad wants to attend the wedding, so be it, but I wldn't be there (unless of course the wine glasses are plastic). Maybe then momof3 won't lose her other eye.

cid
15097

LOL!! I get what you are saying concerned! I'm cracking up at the plastic wine glass comment!! The step-daughter does not deserve a dress, but this is about momof3 and her children.

Momof3 could spend the rest of her life in bitter hate and resentment or she can be a better person than this "manipulative b****"

Forgiveness is an act of courage and contributes to better physical health and increased self-esteem.

Abuse can never be excused, it needs to be prevented and stopped (this is why I would limit her contact with you and your children) and don't get me wrong... I AM APPAULED BY THIS GIRLS BEHAVIOR, But forgiveness is not about overlooking an offense. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from destructive emotions and a hurtful past.

You are much better served by forgiveness than anger and resentment!!

cid
15100

You're right, Tamz. Sometimes I wish I had it in me to be more forgiving of others. I just don't get how someone can expect you to forgive them, when you know that person is not truly being sincere. That's what bothers me most about this whole thing. I'm sure when momof3's step-daughter threw a glass at her stepmom, she never intended to blind her. But when she did, she didn't show any remorse. Momof3 states that her stepdaughter is still rude to her. I agree that momof3 wld be better served forgiving her stepdaughter in the long run, but only if her stepdaughter shows she is truly sorry. This girl obviously has a lot of anger issues that need to be addressed. Maybe if the stepdaughter demonstrates how sorry she is for what happened, and she makes every effort to better her relationship w/ her stepmom, momof3 can more easily forgive her. The way I see it, this is a 2-way street. If a drunk person drove a car and accidentally ran over your child injuring him for life, wld you be able to forgive that person if he showed no remorse? What if he drove drunk again? What if he laughed the situation off like it's nothing? The stepdaughter needs to understand the severity of her actions, and she needs to get help for her anger. It is also her who needs to make peace w/ her stepmom, not the other way around. In that way, stepmom can be more easily forgiving. In no way, though, shld the stepdaughter expect to be rewarded. She is not doing anything to show she wants to better the situation w/ her step-mom. Let's give her keys to a car. Not me. You're obviously a strong person, Tamz, and if you can be forgiving in a situation like this, good for you. I just don't believe momof3's stepdaughter will ever understand the consequences of her actions or even feel truly sorry if she is led to believe that she can act however she wishes and still get what she wants. I guess it's true when they say, "Nice guys finish last."

cid
15158

If you wait for the person who treated you badly to change before you move on with your life, you give that person control over you.

To forgive someone who is not sorry is to acknowledge who they are, to recognize their limitations and to stop expecting them to meet your definition of how they should behave.

It does NOT mean that you put yourself or others in harms' way by pretending that they have changed when they have not.

Even in the Matthew 18 verse about forgiving someone, it says that if they will not hear you, you treat them like a stranger. That means you don't trust them again, if they are not repentant.

Momof3 If your husband wants to give her a couple of hundred dollars toward her wedding, that's fine. You can "not feel well enough" to attend the festivities and send your husband off to do whatever it is he feels he needs to do. He wants to be able to help rear his grand-child, and I have a feeling that his grand-child will need a good role model.

cid
15160

I have 2 step daughters, and if either one had done anything like that to me they'd never have been allowed to set foot in our home again or let anywhere near me and our child. I read this post out to my husband and he was appalled at the idea that you should not only forgive her, but buy her a wedding dress and attend her wedding. He said if either of his dd's did this he would not see them again and certainly wouldn't allow them near me.
Let me put it a different way. You're attacked in the street, you're the victim, would you ever want to see your attacker again? Of course not, you're only doing it because you feel you have to.
Myself and my husband would have had her arrested for it.

cid
15347

Thank You for your post when this happened she did get arrested she got 3 months house arrest and 18 months probation for awhile she didnt want anything to do with me or her father i think she thought of him as a tratior i dont know. I dont want to see her or attend her wedding or have my children have to see her, they dont want to they were young but they remeber and that what hurts me the most not the fact that she did what she did but the fact that she did it in front of my children. I am fine i just dont want them to be hurt again emotionally i mean. How can i have my husband understand what i really feel towards her without him getting angry at me? It like he does not want to talk about it if i dont talk it never happened type of thing Thank again

cid
15374

Well it's obvious to me that this incident is still coming between you and your husband.

You have to decide to either hang on to the anger and resentment (as advised) or let it go. However, I think your last post proves that hanging on is not serving your marriage. If your husband is getting angry and avoiding the subject then it is clear that holding on to "hate" is coming between you.

Maybe the people who advise you to keep "hating" your step-daughter would also advise you to just divorce your husband? Boy then you could really hate your step-daughter for not only taking your eysight but your marriage as well!!!

Don't give your step-daughter the power to come between you and your husband. He obviouly loves his daughter and does not want to hate her. Find a way to forgive for your own sake and the sake of your marriage. You deserve to be free from all this resentment.

cid
15379

Firstly I don't believe she only got 3 months house arrest!
Your husband can't bury his head in the sand about this forever. Does he perhaps feel guilty that it was his daughter who hurt you?
I really can't see why he would want to see her and I certainly can't see why he would put pressure on you to see her either.
If this happened to me and my dh did the same I wouldn't be with him because I think that would say alot about him.
Your husband should be supporting you through this and accepting that you don't want anything to do with her. You should tell him exactly how you feel if your relationship is going to get through this, and if he fails to support you then reconsider if you want to be with someone who is failing to see you as the victim in all this and is pushing you into forgiving and seeing your attacker.
Good Luck
PS Please ignore previous posters saying that's it's courageous to forgive. This hasn't happened to them, they still have their sight intact and were not viciously attacked by a family member in front of their own children which lead to severe injuries. Forgive and forget my ar*e.

cid
15382

I didn't see the post ahead of mine before I posted.
If my husband behaved like that then divorce would be on the cards. I couldn't be with someone who put their own interests so firmly ahead of mine.
If your husband wants to go ahead and keep seeing her without dragging you into it then is that acceptable to you?
I think half the problem here is that your husband is refusing to accept how this has affected you and if perhaps he was showing sympathy and empathy you'd be working through this. However it sounds as though he won't talk about it and therefore he seems to expect things to return to 'normal' without any effort on his part.
I think you should both go to counselling as it may help him understand how badly this has affected you and that you are still scared of something else happening if not to you then to your children as a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

cid
15383

Thank you for your posts and yes she did get 3 months house arrest and 18 months probation because she was 15 at the time and here the courts dont punish teenagers like they should she got more help than i did i am happy when i dont talk or see her and my children dont want to see her either and as a mother i am respecting them even if they are 2 and 4 i was glad when she moved 6 hours away not far enough for me though but i am happy i just dont think of her and i told him if you want to see and talk with her you can but not in our home and not around my children yes they are his to but i will draw the line there and he knows it anywanys thanks again i agree with you and what your saying i dont hold anger i did that stage im ok and getting great

cid
15387

Long time since I last posted, but mom of 3, I think you're doing the right thing. I wld never expect you to "divorce" your husband, nor wld I expect him to give up his relationship w/ his daughter. As long as your husband respects your decision to back off from his daughter, you shld respect his relationship w/ her. I'm sure he's not happy about what happened, but he's still her father. Protect yourself and your children. If you're more comfortable keeping your distance, do it. If a day comes that you can forgive your step-daughter, good for you. I just personally think that's a really hard thing to do when your step-daughter is doing nothing to make you feel she's truly sorry. Best of luck w/ everything. You're going to get a lot of different opinions on here. Ultimately, though, you have to do what's best for you. Hopefully in time things will work themselves out. Until then, focus mainly on you, your husband and your children. Take care.

cid
16288