My husband hates my son - FamilyEducation
My husband hates my son
08/23/2009 at 10:46 AM

I am not really sure what to do. I have been with my husband for three years and we've been married a year and half. While we were still dating, my son (who was 14 at the time) was caught smoking marijuana. He has been to inpatient and outpatient treatment for that. When my son was released from inpatient treatment I sent him to live with his dad in another state for awhile to try to get him in another environment. This was my husband's (boyfriend at the time) idea. Well my son had to go to court...it took several months to get a court date...and had to come back and live with me as part of his probation.

My son got a decent job after school and on weekends(he was 15 almost 16) and my husband (we were married by then) made my son give me half his paycheck to help pay for his inpatient treatment. I didn't agree with this and just thought it was part of being a parent having to pay for the treatment. My son was being rebellous to my husband which wasn't anything too bad considering he was a teenager. He did smoke cigarettes in the house which infuriated my husband. My husband made my son move out and in with my dad in a neighboring town. My son also did take some money from my husband (a couple of dollars here and there) but felt that my husband was taking his money by taking half his paycheck.

Here is the problem...every time my husband and I argue he brings up my son. He tells me all the time that he hates my son's guts and will never have anything to do with him. My husband won't go to any of my family get-togethers because my son will be there. Every argument turns into an argument about my son and how it's my fault that he smoked marijuana and that I should have been tougher on him. In fact, when my grandmother died my husband wouldn't even sit with me in the family section because my son was there. I am really starting to resent my husband because of this. I am considering divorce because I am so tired of arguing about my son, who no longer lives with me because my husband hates him. He is no longer allowed at the house if my husband is here. My son is definately no angel but my husband is 40 years old and is definately acting like a child.

What do I do? My son is a senior in high school this year and he will soon be on his own. I feel like I'm letting my son down by letting it go this far.

I should also mention that my son has seen a child psychologist for his behavior. The psychologist said that there is nothing wrong him and he is a typical kid. The psychologist did tell me that we were too harsh on my son. I told my husband this but of course he thought the psychologist was wrong.
cid
14922

I am so sorry.
cid
14930

Why are you letting your husband make all the decisions about your son? These decisions shld be between you and your son's dad. Do you have a good relationship w/ your ex? I don't agree w/ your son's behavior by any means, and I agree you can be a lot stricter. It's definitely unacceptable for your son to take $ from your husband. It sounds like he has a lot of resentment towards his step-dad b/c he's making all the rules, and you're going along w/ these rules even though you don't necessarily agree w/ them. You and your husband need to communicate better, and you need to set the rules for your son. You also need to get on board w/ your ex, and together you have to come up w/ a better plan of action, or this family is going to fall apart. Don't let your son have the control here. B/c you're all not on the same page, your son is getting away w/ these things. He shld be your first priority. Decide on a course of action and stick to it. Your husband shld be following your lead, not the other way around. I'm sorry things have gotten this far. Maybe marriage counceling or family counceling can be helpful. I hope things get better for all of you.
cid
14933

Your son should be your first priority! He is your child and you are responsible to be the best mother you can be now and forever. You husband knew about your son's issues before you got married and by doing so took on part of the responsibility of raising your son to be a man. The vows say "for better or for worse", not, only when their children are perfect. No matter what your son's issues, and it was wrong of him to take money from your husband, you cannot let your husband treat your son and you so disrespectfully. Your son is at a point where he may be trying to turn his life around, or may be in the future, and you need to be there for him, and not allow your husband to behave as you state. My late father-in-law and some of my husband's family members have been very unkind to me and my children (ie: invited his ex to weddings and not me) and when his father died, I sat right with them all. Your husband being unwilling to be supportive of you, by all of the examples you give, shows that you need to switch your loyalty. What will happen when your son has your grandchildren? Are you not going to be able to see them? Think this through! How heartbreaking for you and the grandchildren. You are taking the very real risk of losing your son and your future grandchildren over this man. Don't do it. My children have many friends whose parents have chosen new partners over them and it has ruined their relationships. You will be the loser in the long run. You deserve a supportive and respectful partner and loving step-parent for your son, not a controlling and vindictive man. And, your son deserves more from you than your husband is allowing.
cid
14963

It sounds to me that your husband is a very self centered person who needs all of your attention. Your son's behavior, while a little out of control, is basically just typical teenage mischief. He is a child still!! I'm sorry to tell you, but you should cut your husband off before he starts controlling every aspect of your life (if that hasn't already happened). I think you already know what you have to do. You seem like a strong woman with a great head on your shoulders. I wish you and your son the best of luck.
cid
14964

Im so sorry your having to choose between your son and your husband. Choose your son! I am in the exact same boat but have 13 years of marriage and 2 teenage sons. Your guilt over his missbehaving is making you listen to your overly strict husband. Believe me your son is nomal your professional told you this and still your listening to your husband. You need to see your son through his issues and set healthy boundries by talking to professionals not controlling husbands (or people who have not done it right) who would prefer to wash their hands of the whole thing. In the long run you will resent his making you choose his way and not letting you make things right. If he were a worthy man he would know how important it is to have a loving relationship with your son.
cid
17426

You should have NEVER NEVER married this freak,he is a child himself,and old one at that,he is insanely jealous of your beautiful son,GET RID OF HIM ASAP.Hes not a good person,he is a selfish grown up,and your trading your son for him,he is pitting you and your son against oneanother! He is bitching about stuff that isnt a problem,my daughter smokes cigs and pot,not all the time. She did it more when she was younger,shes actually grown out of it now,quit making a big deal out of your sons era,hes doing nothing wrong,this man is not a man,and he is trying to RUIN your greatest thing EVER! You and your beautiful sons relationship,dont ever let that kid down,he is your SON,and he only has you to look to,you should be a strong mother and protect that kid at all costs,if you dont,your a ignorant person,your son should be the most IMPORTANT THING TO YOU,I LOVE MY SON SO MUCH,he has grown into a beautiful young man,and he is always there for me if i need him,your son will not be there for you later,you have already let him down,that will hurt him so much,you are a girl and your his mom,if you cant depend on your mom,theres nobody,cause nobody loves you like your momma!!Now you get rid of this creep,and mark my words,YOU WILL HAVE ALOT OF TROUBLE IN THE FUTURE WITH THIS MAN,AND you wont have your son to go to because you werent there for him! If you dont get rid of him you are as bad if not worse than him! Hes a freak!! He hates your son,why with that alone i would have thrown him out along time ago,you love me!you will love my children or your out!!they come 1st. ALWAYS!You were lucky god gave you a son,a beatiful son,how precious,and hes trying to grow up,BE THER FOR HIM STUPID WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TELL YOUR NEW HUBBY TO GET THE HELL DOWN THE ROAD!!!!!!!!DONT YIOU LET THAT KID DOWN!!!!!YOU NEED TO PULL HIM BACK INTO YOU,if you dont you will make me sick to my stomach,I HATE PEOPLE LIKE YOU,you are weak mouse in the corner,should have NEVER been allowed a child. Get rid of the CREEP,YOU CAN DO BETTER,AND IF YOU CANT,STAY TO YOURSELF,youll always have your son,no man is worth this,like an animal,wants to get rid of your child from another man,its the other man thing to him.Its your sons life to your son,o god help this pathetic mother who has to actually come on here and ask what she should do about this hateful husband!
cid
18529

I love that there are people like you in this world to tell people like this woman whats up!! Thankyou for being out there!!!
cid
18530

My goodness! I have to be honest here, this post gave me the creeps. I hope you have either gotten a divorce or undergone some serious family counseling. Your son should be your first priority. It is disgusting the way this man treats both you and your son. Don't stand for it. It likely will only get worse. And, even if your son moves far away, you can bet your butt that this bully will find something else to pick on you and your family about.
cid
18606

Stand up for yourself. Your free, and have the right to! Tell him he has a choice stay with me in a realtionship I want or leave now because I have to do what I believe is right and for you to want me to do otherwise makes our relationship no good to me!! Tell him what you want, mean it. Its your mistake to make and you and your son will pay for it. Expect and remind him everytime he falters. You have to take control of this, its yours! Its up to you, your son needs you and you have the right! Your son has the right too be a child too and to make mistakes and fall down and hurt himself he will learn if your there showing him how to recover if not he may not and you dont want that.
cid
18612

I have read that stepfathers can be very jealous of stepsons and also can compete for the mother. A womans son can also compete for her and be very jealous of the stepdad which can cause a lot of emotional issues and as a teen can cause them to go out and do things they shouldnt. Your son feels like you made a choice and you did not pick him I am sure he is very angry, and hurt and jealous.
cid
19101

People, you are not in the shoe of a husband. You are not there in the environment of a family, stop judging her husband!!!!! You don't know this person! You don't know how terrible this kid is! Stealing money to him is not good at all! what do you think? you are just gonna laugh!? There is no excuse no matter how kids are they! they have to stop thier bad behavior and be respectful to their elders! Stop judging people!
cid
19236

Stop judging her husbad! You don't know him! you don't know their environment, it doesn't matter how kids they are, they need to stop being bad period! There is no excuse because that they are Kids! There is no excuse they can do anything they want! There is no excuse to steal money because they are kids! There is no excuse!!!!!
cid
19237

This is an advice and comment forum. Though some of the replies may seem to be judgemental to you, the replies are the opinion of the poster, intended to help and not to offend.
cid
19240

nottrue's point is a good one. The boy has definite behavior problems which are problems and would be regardless of the stepfather's involvement. I think the mom should have addressed the boy's illegal behavior and not married until after the boy's behavior was resolved. Drug use is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
cid
19299

Obviously, things are not going to change. I am in the same situation and it is a miserable one. At the end of the daym your son is your son and as long as he is not into anything too bad, please take his side and love him. Men can come and go, personally mine can go. I have the same situation and no matter how many times I beg for peace, he finds fault with my son and many other people in my life. It's not worth it to have to live like this. I'm ready to call it a day, and I really feel you should too. (I also have the problem with the marijuana issue and honestly if thats all he does and is respectful and a good person, the jerk (your husband) is just looking for something else to pick on. Hope you'll find peace soon.....
cid
19385

I lived with a stepfather for 15 years who HATED me, and did not try to hide it. My stupid, weak mother chose him over me. I've not seen or spoken to her for 20 years. She has 4 lovely grandchildren that she's never met, and never will, all because she put her needs before my happiness. Is this what you want? Get rid of his a$$. You might still be able to fix things with your son, but don't expect him to make it easy for you; it's only fair. You haven't made it easy for him. FYI...she and that psychotic loser arent together anymore, and haven't been for a long time. Now, she has no husband, no daughter, no nothing. Hope the idiot was worth losing me over.
cid
21060

nottrue....it's not about the husband being judged, or about how bad the kid is....it's about where this woman's loyalties should lie. Her son was there FIRST.
cid
21122

I am not surprised to learn that the hateful stepfather is what turned the boy to a rebellious lifestyle. I remarried when my son was 14. My soon to be ex has hated my son from the beginning. Constantly belittling him and using harsh forms of discipline saying that it is necessary for my son to be a real man. My son is not one that has ever smoked, drank or got in any trouble at all. He was withdrawn from the effects of my divorce from his father and being replaced by my ex-husband's stepson. My second husband simply forced my son to withdraw more. My husband would literally stand right in my son's face and yell as loud as he can trying to "get it through to him." (Like Sargent Carter to Gomer Pyle.) He'd do this only when he thought I wasn't around. Once I learned about it my husband would come up with all sorts of excuses, lying, etc.... By me trying to protect my son, my husband would say we were scheming against him and singling him out. We're on our way to divorce court and thank God my son was/is strong enough that he didn't let my soon to be ex break his spirit. This man married me just for my paycheck and believes my children get in the way of him getting what he wants. He was not like this at all before we married and turned quickly at first blaming his temper on his ex-wife and a stroke he had a year earlier. Go ahead and try to get his side of the story. He has just that, a good "story." Just like he fed me about his ex-wife and how it was all her fault. ********************************************* If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.... If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
cid
21431

my daughter is upset with me beause she is a single mom, who left her husband because of abuse. She has 3 children with special needs (autism and adhd). She lives upstairs from me,and she works full time on second shift and that takes 40 hours of her time away frome her children which in the begining I was totally accepting responsibility for. The her 40 hr week turned into not coming home after work hanging out with friends untill kids were in bed which meant I was caring for them, feeding, bathing, grooming, comforting,transporting to dr. appts and social events etc . Not even on her days off is she eveer home to take care of or spend time with her children. This led me to stop all of this one step at a time so she could then assume responsibility of her children. this is leading to her telling me I'm not a good mother and I should be helpng her more
cid
21453

I'd tell her, "I'm so sorry you feel that way." I wouldn't argue, explain, or preach. From what you said, it sounds like you are doing a good job.
cid
21455

I am in a very similar situation that you are in. My son was 16 when I remarried he is now 30. My previous husband passed away when my son was 12. My husband hates my son and I have taken my husbands side and I am sick over it. My son is getting married and he wants nothing to do with me. I have been taking my husbands side all along which now I am realizing that I have been so wrong. I have 2 other children and everything is fine with them. Yes, my older son has had some problems and my husband has tried over the years to make things right, but I think whenever a situation comes up I take my husbands side and it causes more problems. I know I am to blame for a lot of it and I don't know what to do. I love my husband and we have a very good life, but is it worth losing your son over it? Help
cid
25449

ok i can see a lot of different issues here.. first..and i know that this will go over like a lead balloon..but........ women IN GENERAL ( i know that there are a few exceptions) are much better at raising young children then they are a raising teenagers.. they just never know when to turn off mom and stop mothering them to death..kissing there little heads and powering there little butts and ENABLING them to very destructive behavior.. you son needs to go back and live with his father..period..women do not teach boys to be men.. men do that.. but not the one you are married to..he needs HIS father.. and you need to back off and let dad do what dads do best..teach responsibility..and if necessary a bit of tough love.. i have many girl friends going through crap with sons..and in every case they made it worse because they refused to do the hard things..like let them pay for there own bad choices.. and yes..he SHOULD have PAYED in full for his treatment..he made the choice to do the crime..and he should pay for the choice he made..let him off the hook and he will have you bailing him out the rest of his life!
cid
25466

I've been married for 3 years and my husband is hard on my son which causes lots of problems in the relationship between me and my husband. I do not back down however, my son is my son and will always come first. Kids will eventually outgrow all their problems but the husbands will not....A good husband would stand by your side and help you with your son. Many young men have issues with smoking, drinking etc..It's just part of growing up and most husbands have all done the same thing our boys are going thru...I think most men are tough on the boys because they did the same thing and can't understand that it's normal for other boys to do the same.If you want to stay with your husband, stand up to him and tell him your son is most important to you, Kids are not replaceable but spouses are...If he wants to have a normal realtionship with you, he doesn't have to like yous son but he needs to respect him because he is your son and thats that!!!!
cid
26537

Don't take sides. We love our children different from the way we love our spouses. Apologize to your son and let him know that your love for him is unconditional. We all make mistakes as parents, there are no books to tell us what to do. One thing is for sure, we love our kids!!! Husbands need to be adults and understand that a mother loves her children no matter what they do...No one is ever right about everythng, some days your kids are right other days your spouse is right, at the end of the day who knows who is right...just do not take sides, act as a mediator for both sides....
cid
26538

Is it at all possible that this rage against the boys we have could stem from jealousy! Or ego?
cid
28596