My Husband Hates my little boy - FamilyEducation
My Husband Hates my little boy
03/24/2011 at 18:57 PM

I have been with my partner now for 2 years and have been married for nearly one year. When we met eachother my son was 6 months old and didnt have any contact with his biological father (through his own doing). My husband used to get on well with him but sometimes told me he found it hard when he was naughty or what i would say being a typical young child. It just seems the older hes getting the more my husband hates him. He doesnt realy look like me and because his father had ADHD which also ran through the male side of his family my husband seems to pick out anything and say my son has ADHD. He sometimes hides upstairs to get away and when its bad he makes it very clear he hates him and sometimes jokes about putting him up for adoption. I wouldnt never be able to do anything like that as hes my baby and love him but often remind my husband that he wanted to marry me and he knew i had a son and didnt inform me of any of these feelings at the time. I feel very confused i would never let my son come to harm and always jump to his defence when its needed but i love my husband and he does treat me very well and my son when hes good or behaving. Hes never hurt him or anything like that but he can be very strict, we do try and sit down and make the rules together and i do believe in being alittle strict as i want him to be a good boy and do well in school when it comes to it. Alot of people say how polite he is and hes a very bright boy. I understand it can be very hard taking on someone elses child but Hate is a very strong word but he realy does hate him. I just dont know how to get him to see my son differently, hes only young hes going to be nuaghty from time to time thats what children do and moan but my husband cannot stand it and the only time we ever argue is because of him.And i worry that oneday soon my son will pick up on this and this will upset me and him greatly. I left my home and old life to move away with him and his work, i dont want to go back but we are struggling very bad at this time. He also said the other day he cant see us having children because hes worried that i wouldnt love it the same and id keep bringing up my past experience (he hates me talking about anything to do with my past)
Can anyone suggest anything

I'm going to start with your last point first. Having children with him at this time--he's right about that. If he can't start loving the child you already have, then either he will love additional children more, or he will also hate additional children. Neither one sounds like a good situation. Next point--you don't want to go back after you have followed him for his work, Why? Is it because you don't have support in your old town? Is it because you think people will think less of you if you admit it didn't work out? Will someone say, "I told you so?" I think it takes a great deal of courage to try something, like you did in moving with him. It takes even more courage to admit that something you tried didn't work out.

You've already spoken to him about how his words are a problem for you, and it doesn't sound as if he's made an effort to change. If that is so, I think it is time to leave. He isn't happy, you aren't happy, and your little boy is being set up to fail horribly. Read the message boards in the step-family section on this site. If you divorce, your son will see that he is very important to you. That's a good thing. Also, your ex-husband will have the opportunity to build a family he can be a good dad in. It's possible. And you will have a difficult time, because you will be divorced, a single mom, carrying the whole load yourself. It will be hard for you. It will be better if you have some sort of support network (siblings, other family, friends, community resources). It will take a great deal of courage. If you are a praying person, it would be good to pray. I am a praying person. I'll pray for you today.

You cannot GET your husband to see your son differently. Your son is definitely ALREADY picking up on the negative feelings toward him. You ask for suggestions. My suggestion is: leave NOW! Take you son and provide him with a life where he will be loved and cherished, not "hated". You can and must do this for the mental health, self esteem and safety of your child. This is not about you or your feelings, please, do the right thing today for your child.

Agree with the advice given. This environment will only serve to harm this child. As parents, we place our own wants and needs far behind those of our children.

Also, get your son evaluated for ADHD. If he does have the disorder, early treatment can help him so he doesn't ever pick up the "I'm so stupid" attitude that really handicaps people with this disorder.