just lost...don't know where to start - FamilyEducation
just lost...don't know where to start
06/21/2010 at 20:37 PM

I recently married the man that I have been dating for 5 years. He is also the father of my youngest child, a 2 yr old daughter. He has always had a pretty decent relationship with my other children (two boys 14 & 15, 8 yr old girl & my 5 ur old niece whom I just adopted).

My teenage boys are pretty independent and pretty much do their own thing. My 14 yr old is very outgoing and a people person; while my 15 yr old is very laid back & quiet. All he does is stay in his room playing XBox360 Live online with his friends. Although I tell him I think that he should do other things more often such as go outside, etc, I don't really make a huge fuss about it because he brings home A's and B's and does his housework with minimal issues.

Now I have noticed that he always seems to look angry and speaks very dryly when "I" speak to or address him and I know that this is more than likely some retaliation for him and his brother not being able to have communications and visitation with their father, who tried to kidnap them last year and was found by the police. He refuses to give any of his address information to me, the visitation liasion or the court. Until such time that he does turn in this info and the court is able to verify it; his visitation and communication have been revoked. While I understand that this is a difficult situation for my son; I'm just trying to stand firm because in the past when I have went against what the court ordered, I have always had to seek the help of the police to department to "fix it" and the judge made it very clear to me that if I wanted to go against the courts orders that the court could remove itself from the equation and leave me to deal with this man on my own and I know that is not in ANYONE'S best interest.

My husband & I both belong to a club and on Friday, our club was hosting a bikini wash. The women who were contracted to bring their bikini mobile wash business to our clubhouse did not show up. My husband is the one who made the arrangements with the lady and her coworkers and he did not want to look bad; in that, I feel he went against his better judgment when he agreed to use 5 girls who were 18 yrs old, MAYBE, and one of which was pregnant. I felt that it was inappropriate because we serve beer at our clubhouse and our patrons are always welcome to bring their own liquor so everyone must essentially be 21. In addition, I did not feel like these girls really understood what their role was. We all know that a man is not paying for a woman in a bikini to wash his vehicle because he thinks he is gonna get the world's best wash. The girls had on bottoms (shorts and skirts) and long bathing suit tops and they definitely did not really want to wash the one vehicle they did wash, or dry it or even get wet for that matter and i think it sounded fun and adventurous to them on the phone but in reality when they were in the spotlight with grown men ranging from 25 to 50 years old gathered around with their beers and whatnot waiting on them to bend over and scrub or dry or rinse, etc...they folded...and understandably so.

Now prior to the girls showing up one of our club sisters who is in her 30's and another lady had already agreed to do the washes and were dressed in swimwear and cut off shorts so it's not like there weren't any other options to work with.

My husband among the other things he did that day to upset me...put me on blast in front of the lady and my club brother and told me that I needed to make the little girls feel comfortable being there or that he could do it and i would not like it. One word...total DISREPECT. I was very hurt and upset but decided to stay in my vehicle until they were done with the car wash portion and then pulled myself together to help with the kitchen during the rest of the night.

The club was suppose to make a little road trip the next day but I decided not to go and i told my husband that I was really upset with the events and his statement of the previous day and had decided not to make the road trip that day because I needed to mentally deal with the previous day. His reply was that he said he was sorry if I thought he was rude and that was all he could do. Two hours later at 2 pm he left for the 30 min trip.

At 4 am he still had not made it home but called to tell me that he had just waken up and was drunk and on his way home and also wanted to know why I was quiet on the phone. I told him to not expect me to be smiles and giggles because he was drunk and it was 4am the next day and he still was not home and I hung up. I then texted him and told him that I apologized for being rude and that maybe I needed to realize that he is grown and could do as he pleased. He made it home at 5 am and walked in wanting to know if I had anything else smart to say like I said on the phone. I just ignored him and chose not to feed into an argument. He asked again 3 minutes later and was mumbling some stuff. Then he left back out of the house. Ten minutes later I called his phone and asked him if he had left for the rest of the night/morning and he asked did I want to argue and I told him no and that I just wanted to know if he had left or what. He angrily replied that he would be pulling back in shortly and went on a tangent wanting to know what I really wanted to know and if I wanted to argue so I again hung up the phone.

I awoke my children and told them to gather an outfit for the day and pack it in a bag and that we just needed to leave the house for the day. My husband comes in the house and ask if I’m trying to make a statement by gathering our bags and I told him no that we were just gonna leave for the day. He said no that he would leave and go down to our clubhouse and sleep and take our 2 yr old with him since it was Father’s Day. I told him that he was not going to drive her anywhere as drunk as he was and that we were just gonna go ahead and leave. He told me that we could all leave except for her and that he would act a fool if I tried to take her. After I got our bags in my truck I told him I did not want to fight or argue but that I needed to get the baby so we could leave. I called her name to come to me and as I picked her up he came behind me and punched me in the side of my face and began to choke me with both arms wrapped around my neck. I was holding the 2 yr old and I screamed for my 15 yr old to come and help me and when he got to my bedroom I told him to just get his sister and go out of the back door. As he grabbed his sister from my arms, my husband let me go, pushed him and swung at him and my 15 yr old released my daughter back to me and rushed my husband causing him to fall over onto my nightstand and was keeping him fallen over. My husband was threatening him that he was going to kick his a** like a grown man. I got in between the two and told my son to take his sister and go and not to respond. As we were approaching the door my husband blocked us and had gotten his gun and removed it from the holster and said that no one was going anywhere. I asked him was he seriously pulling a gun on me and my child. Me, my son and daughter retreated to my bedroom and then he put his gun away and acted as if he was gonna let us leave with no further altercation until we got to the kitchen and he tried to snatch my daughter from me and me and my son both held on to her and then he tried to take more swings at my son and stated multiple time that he had been wanting to f**k him up for a long time and then kept telling him to step outside so he could kick his a**. I told my son to ignore him and to just go to the other door so we could exit. I turned around and told my husband that if he made any further attempt to harm my child that I would have him arrested immediately. So he stood down and we left the house.

My son has never disrespected my husband in any way. He does not run the streets, he gets good grades and he has always done anything my husband has asked of him with no backtalk whatsoever. I don’t understand for the life of me why he made those statements to my son that he had been wanting to beat him up for some time. He has never done anything to him other than stay to himself in his room playing his game and occasionally going to the church to play basketball or hang out with his friends.

What is the problem? What do I do? Where do I begin? In all the years that we have been together, never have I ever seen this type of behavior out of my husband. I am in shock.

So, the big deal is that your husband said he'd been wanting to beat your 15 year old boy up for some time. Punching, choking, and threatening with a gun--that's not such a big deal. OK

The shocking part of all of this is the violence. You need to get some professional and legal help for yourself to get away from this man who has behaved in the violent and potentially very harmful way you describe in your post. Protect yourself and your children from this man.

I know you said that this has never happened before. maybe it hasn't . It will not get better. Look up the statistic about abusive men. He has an alcohol problem and an anger issue. He WILL DO IT AGAIN. Domestic violence kills lots of women every year and then men always promise this that and the other. Its the honeymoon phase. My suggestion educate your self on domestic violence. Contact your police department tell them what happened and have him arrested and taken from the home. You do not want your children, your boys to learn this behavior that is okay to treat women this way. In addition studies say that daughters will follow their mothers pattern. You need to break it. It doesn't matter if you think you never seen this abusive controlling behavior before. I guarantee you have. You either are so used to it that it has become your norm or you did not realize it was abuse. Please seek out a councilor. You were smart enough to ask for help here, but we are not experts, just other people with life experience in various areas. You have rights, legal rights, and you can get an order of protection after the event, and the judge will grant it for a long period of time. I know what your thinking, but what about money, how do I support my kids, etc, our club, my house, job. None of that will matter if your dead and not there to protect your kids. Domestic violence councilor will help you make a plan to get out if your not ready. I think the most important thing to do is educate your self. The cycle of abuse is called a cycle for a reason. Go to this site, http://www.ncadv.org it will have a list in your state of resources. You need to prepare yourself emotionally and protect your kids. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU LOVE HIM. LOVE SOMETIMES KILLS. I am so sorry your in this situation and I know that you want out. Your the only one who can do it. Don't keep his secret, tell people. It will make him accountable. Press charges against him. Put your own feelings aside and do this for your boys. Children are often hurt in domestic violence because they come to protect their mother. Don't put your boys in that situation anymore. Show them that you love them more than anything with your actions and not your words. This will not be easy for you. Go on you tube and type in domestic violence watch the videos of what those women have to say. I'll pray for you for protection and strength. Also I want to tell you that your not alone, this happens much more than you know in all circles of life, and it always always escalates beyond the first incident. Do not use that he never did this before as his excuse. Do not excuse his behavior by saying he was drunk and allowing that. You are the only person who can change your life from where it is now, to a new road. It can be done. I was there. It's hard, damn hard, hardest thing I have ever ever done in my life. I wish you the best. Please seek the domestic violence help center. And be sure to clear your history on your computer so he doesn't see it. It will anger him more. 1-800-799-7233.

Leave the home immediately. Go to the court or police department and file for a restraining order. Get counseling- there are probably women's shelters and other resources in yoru area that can get you help. You need to divorce this man and protect your children. I know you are upset and shocked, but please believe me... there is no coming back from this.

Look our children's well-being are our responsibility. You should without a doubt seek legal counsel. If for nothing else, a lawyer will be able to explain all your options to you so that you will be able to make the best decision of "what to do". Its a real good place to start when searching for answers to such a touchy incident. I have helped people find great lawyers and the lawyers didn't break the bank. If you want my help just let me know. I truly hope things turn around for your family and most importantly that you and your son are safe.