Jealous Teenage Stepdaughter
09/22/2009 at 10:08 AM

I have a 16 yr. old stepdaughter that is very jealous of me and her dad. I have given them time together and encourage it as well. She does not look me in the eye when talking to me, she rarely talks to me at all unless she needs something and even then her dad asks for her or she asks him in the other room and they think I'm supposed to hear it and offer help. I've quit doing that and let someone ask me directly. Anyway, we have been married for 3 yrs. and I thank God everyday for helping me get a little tougher skinned. It is hard to be rejected by someone you live with everyday. She never talks about anything with me, she keeps it all inside. She was going to a counselor a year after we were married but we thought that she was getting better. She does talk to me sometimes like when she was doing a science project I talked to her about it and was interested and she was kind then but rarely. I really enjoy those moments when we can communicate.I realize I'm the one that will have to change and not get my feelings hurt so much at her rejection. I also have a 14 yr.old stepson. He and I get along better but still he is very distant. He respects me a lot more than my stepdaughter. I can't say anything correcting to them at all, so I don't  but when I tell there dad something that I think needs addressing he says I am coming against them even when he asked me to tell him anything I see that may need attention. He is so sensitive. I have to be so careful what I say.I'm trying to just keep my mouth shut.  We may be moving far away because of my husband job situation and that would be taking them from their bio mom who they see everyother weekend and one night a week. They are going to hate leaving there school too.
Thanks for letting me just talk. I have no one to talk too.Have any of you been in this situation before or have any wise counsel for me? I will take it!
Thanks, hopefulstpmm
 
 

Hey hopeful,

 

I have not been a step-mother but I am a step-daughter and all I can tell you is that it is very hard to watch your father be with someone who is not your mother.  My father and step-mother have been married for 15 years and things are good now but it took years.  We were on a trip this past weekend and talked about how hard it was but my step-mother just hung in there and now we are good friends.

 

My only advice is let her father handle the discipline and just be there.  She will probably come around if you just hang tough and be there for her.

 

Anyone else have any advice?

 

Marti

 

http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

cid
2276

Thanks Marti,

I am so glad you wrote. It's really good to hear from another step-daughter. You are very encouraging. I am trying to do what you said and also trying to give she and my step-son time away from me also to be with their father. I like to buy her favorite gum and put it on her bed or the candy she likes and make sure I have the food she likes to take in her lunches.  I really look forward to the day we can be friends.

If you have any other advise about anything you think of please let me know.

It's great that you and your step-mom are friends now. I know she is so happy and proud of you.

hopefulstpmm

 

cid
2280

Dear Hopeful,

I know how u feel vI have 15yr step-daughter that will be turning 16 in Dec. She like 2 play her dad and I against each other, and I get upset but it seems he takes het side all the time. Another thing when she does something wrong I have 2 tell him someone else told then he will believe me then. So I know what your going thru Us step-mothers we try our best too make them like us and no matter what we do they do if do or not correct? so from now on I'm myself an if she don't like it then I guess she has 2 put up with it. Because I'm tired of  breaking my a** to please her as long I;m happy I guess. And I'll be married for an year on the 18th of this month 2 her father.

cid
2419

Hi hopeful,

My husband and I are both in our second marriage - he has three children  from 1st and I have one and we have one together so they go 14,13 (mine), 12, 10, and 3 (ours).  His children live with their mother and we do not get along at all.  My husband and I don't agree on their upbringing and I really have no place in their life, since they have a mother, so I end up being a maid most weekends.  My 13 yr old daughter, who lives with us, has never had a father and I had hoped my second husband would be one.  However, he has struggled in being a father to her.  This is a very tough age for her - lots of changes, etc.  She needs a father.  However, the only time he does anything with her, is when his kids are around. 

So, from what I have witnessed, this I can say for sure.  Take the time to do something special with your step-daughter.  Take her shopping - get involved in her favorite hobbies - go to a book store and spend the afternoon, then get coffee together. Talk to her everyday about school and her friends.  Don't be put off by the eyes not meeting yours or the attitude that may shine through.  Just keep plugging away and show you care.  Let your husband know that he needs to encourage her to talk to you directly when she needs something.  We can never assume our husbands know anything! 

Most importantly, say hello, good-bye and good-night every day (you didn't say if she lives with you full-time or not).  My husband doesn't do this.  He will say it to our 3 yr old and leave my 13 yr old out, even if she is sitting right there.  No matter if your step daughter doesn't answer at first.  She'll hear you. 

I know it can be hard to stay positive when you get negative reaction, but you are the adult, it is your responsiblity to set a good example.  In a couple of years, your step daugther will remember your efforts.  Maybe she will give you attitude at home, maybe she is trying to be respectful to her mother, but around her friends, she will talk you up and  show respect to you in that way. 

Good luck - and don't expect change right away.  Start with the small things - "hello's and good-bye's" - and move up from there. 

cid
2421

Hopefulstpmm,

You married a divorced man with two children who's lives were torn apart by divorce and you expected things to be different?

 

Well, I hate to say this, but I have to agree with Dr. Laura on this issue... people who have children and then divorce should not remarry until the children are grown and out of the house for this very reason. 

 

Read "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr. Laura, and you will find that your stepdaughter's behavior is typical of a daughter who's dad has remarried.  You can also expect competetiveness with other girls/women, early sexual activity, ungratefulness, reluctance to give of herself.   I'm not saying these behaviors are appropriate or excusable, but they are reality... just as it's inappropriate and inexcusable for parents to bring children into the world and then split up, get remarried and think everything is going to be ok. 

 

I think you're just going to have to buck up for the next four years until these children go off to college. 

cid
2422

Dear Hopeful,

I am the biological mom of 2 teens. Their father remarried very quickly after the divorce.

some suggestions:

do not try to replace their mom.

Keep your own personality and interests.

Make time for them on your own. My kids' stepmother has NEVER in 8 years taken them to a movie or anything on her own.

In fact one evening that he was working, the "stepmom" told my kids that she was going out since he was working--instead of treating this as an opportunity to spend time with the kids ON HER own.

Encourage their dad to take them out the odd time without you--camping, to a movie, a ball game.Both the dad and the kids willl respect you for allowing them time alone together as they would have had in the original family unit.

As far as I am concerned she has never been a stepmom. She is the new wife.Stepmom contains the word "Mom" and having at least some traits of a parent is helpful.

A 16 year old girl is a challenge to ALL adults involved.

As you said, you are the adult and also the one who needs to accomodate.The child is the one who is hurting and it is the job of all the adults involved to help her, not the other way around.

cid
2427

Dear Hopeful, I to am a stepmother. She is now 13 yearsold. I have been there since she was about 4 years old. I am so sorry that you are going through what have so far. I went through some of the same thing when my stepdaughter was younger. When my husband and I first got married she was the only child in both of our lives. Then after a year of marriage we had our son. Things started changing little at a time. Then a few years after that we had my daughter. That's when all hell broke loose. After all we went thru with this child. I must say now at the age of 13 she is begging her dad and I to get custody of her. It was never the child that had the problem, it has always been her mom. I have treated this child as if she was my own. I have discipline her, as well as love her. And she knows it now. She would rather talk to me about boys, sex, drugs, her grades, and all of the other things that comes with teenagers. I disagree with Dr. ? that said that people should not  remarry until their kids are out of the house. I do believe that I have did a better job than her mom with raising her. Just act as if your stepdaughter was your child. Forget that she has a bio mother, treat her, and do things with and for her as if she was yours, and see  what happens. Sit down and talk to her, without your husband, and tell her, that you are here to stay, and that she can do it your way, and everyone gets along and be happy, or she can do it her way, and continue to be disrespectful, but let her know that her way, means that she is own her own when it comes down to whatever she may need you for. Please don't give up on her, You are probably just what she needs in life. My stepdaughter too is in counseling. And it has help us so greatly. I wish there was a way I can talk to you more one on one. You take care. and hang in there.

cid
2434

it is very hard for a child to see their father in a realationship i'm sure. All i can say is take it easy keep doing what your doing and it will get better let them know you will always be there for them and their father try spending one on one time with each of them doing what they like to do it will open your eyes more to them try also explaining that you are hurt. remember kids love their parents and they usually blame themselves for their parents split i know i did they will blame you if just even in their head.things will get better time is the best cure

cid
2436

I have been in a similar situation except I have been the step mom (now divorced) and now I am in your husbands position. My kids are 14 (daughter) and 9 (son). It might sound dumb, but we sometimes (most of the time) take criticism about our kids as an insult that we didn't do things right as a parent with them - like your way would be better. I know better, but it took awhile!  I am not married, but will be in the next year. I live with my boyfriend and over the past few months I have basically gotten off the pity pot!  We are all living together as a family unit so it's not him against us or vice versa.  What I did is sit down with my boyfriend and tell him that he has equal authority over my kids. The biggest advantage my kids had on him was that he would always go through me to implement any discipline or offer any suggestions.  I told him that since we are committed to each other, he needs to step up to the plate and involve himself.   I sat my kids down and told them that my boyfriend was an equal authority. Since your step kids are at that age where they want to be treated like adults, your husband needs to tell them to act like they want to be treated - he needs to tell them that you have equal authority and they need to start respecting you. Teenage girls are the worse - my own daughter is a handful too!  Most of all, your husband needs to support your role in your "family unit". It's his responsibility to set his kids straight. It's not going to get easier after you move, because they will have that much more to be bitter about!  After reading some of the other posts, I think taking the back seat is the worst thing you could do! Don't be "in their face" annoying or anything, but they need to also deal with the changes. Patronizing them or ignoring them isn't going to help them any! I had 2 stepsons in my previous life and if I could go back and change one thing, it would be the way I treated those kids. They are adults now and I have been told by them that I was more of a mom to them than their real mom, but I sure didn't think I did anything to help them. I took the attitude that how they handled their parent's divorce was their own problem, and I was here to stay whether they liked it or not. Well guess what? I apparently wasn't there to stay, but I know I should have done better. Good luck.

cid
2463

I think as the situation has already happened, it is wrong for any of us to sit here being judgemental and saying she should never have married him. She is asking for good sound advice, not criticism. Sure, we all know that when a marriage breaks up, the children suffer more than us, but sometimes you have to move on. It all depends on why the marriage broke up in the first place. Do you think it is right to keep a marriage going if there is alcoholism or abuse going on. Should the children be brought up in this atmosphere? Second marriages can and do work. There are more happy step children than unhappy ones. 

cid
2497

Dear Hopeful,

I wish I could say that I was hopeful. I also have a 16 yr old stepdaughter that is extremely jealous of her father's relationship with me. We've been married for a year and I swore that I would be able to win her over but now I know that is never gonna happen. She has pushed me to the point of no return. In the past she has called me vulgar names, she has forged my name to get out of school, she's sneaks boys in her room and has sex with them in our home, there has been pictures on websites of her drunk and kissing girls, she walks out as she pleases when her father is not around, she's threatened to hit me if I say anything to her,  and she goes months without saying a word to me. She doesn't leave her room. She has made herself a prisoner of her own home. This past week we had our first altercation. I told her I was tired of her behavior and she responded "what are you gonna do about it!" She is disrespectful to her father and to me. She is forcing her father to make a choice between us and it's killing him because of course he loves his daughter. My husband (her father) is going to be deployed in december and I will be left alone with her and I can't deal with her on my own. I fear that one day  I may go outside and find my tires slashed and if I say something, "will she hit me!" It's crazy I'm walking on eggs shells in my own home. As of now my husbands decision is to send her away to live with her aunt but will he resent me later and blame this whole thing on me, I'm afraid that regardless of what happens at this point that my marriage will not survive. I don't know what to do. Does anyone at all have any suggestions?

 

cid
2506

If you believe in prayer, pray that your husband makes the right decision concerning the placement of his daughter. She obviously needs to be with someone whom she respects. In your defense, an out of control stepchild does not change overnight. He or she will eventually show his true colors no matter where he lives. However, it may be best for the child to be elsewhere for your peace of mind and safety. Also, a spouse's relatives usually do not understand the magnitude of your situation until they experience it for themselves. 

 

Perhaps, you should also consider what would happen if your husband died. Where would the teenager go? Would she stay with you or live with her mother or a relative? At 16, your stepdaughter already has issues and is a timebomb ready to burst! Anger is deep and manifests itself in different ways, even suicide. So, my recommendation is to let the stepchild stay elsewhere while her parent is gone. She more than likely will gladly receive their love and affection, things that she desperately needs, but won't accept from you.

 

 

cid
2508

Dear Snapbowl,

Considering that you are not a stepmom there is no way that you could possibly understand what it is to be one. It's easy to say that we should be the one to accomodate the child's needs but the child must also adjust and adapt to the changes. I have been on both sides of the spectrum and I understand your frustation. It is hard to see your child hurting because their father has replaced their mother with someone else. It's important that we teach our children to be respectful, kind and considerate of others in general including their stepmothers. They don't have to like us. They must follow the rules of the home as they do yours. Kids at 16 can have very bad attitudes and as  the adult we must make sure we handle it properly. But we as stepmothers don't have to spend quality time with your child. They have their moms already. Most of them. I don't expect my daughter's stepmom to spend time taking my daughter to the movies and so forth. "Come on!" But I do expect that she is a good woman, a good example for my daughter and that she is kind to her. To me I find it so strange that people seem to think that being a stepmom means that we are trying to be their mom. That is definitely not the case. Most of us are already moms and have our own. We don't want to be your childs mom. We just want to be recognized as an individual with feeling too. And although we are the adult we are only human.

cid
2512

Dear Patience

Thank you for your response. It all made so much sense. Your right about her desperately needing love and affection and not accepting it from me. It's really sad because I would have bend over backwards for her and she really would have had it made here. Hopefully with her aunt things will be different and she can get the love she needs and live outside her cage(bedroom). Thanks again. 

cid
2513

I just read your statement Hopefulstpmm, and I'm not married but my bofriend and I have been together over a year now, and his kids and I are in each others lives. I'm having the same problems. He has three, a son and two daughters, 11, 10 and 9; all getting ready to have birthdays. I'm not a step parent or anything...but they do same things you've been describing. They're jealous of each other and of me; and we constantly try and work things out with them. They don't like our decisions, and he's great about putting his foot down and telling them "this is how it is" kind of thing. They do expect special treatment and expect him to make their lives fair. We've had family meetings and things like that, I've tried to show them that I'm there for them, which we both see they're not responding too. But they're learning how much their dad and I love each other and they truly don't like it=). Thankfully he treats them all the same and when they get out of hand or get mouthy; he does step up to the plate and puts an end to it. I know all of these changes are going to take time with them, and I'm ok with it. I always make them feel welcome and ask them about what they've been doing etc...things are great until you get them together. That's when everything unravels! When they get mouthy towards me, he's there to correct them. They too, don't look me in the eye ususally, but that's a kid thing, I used to be like that myself. I'm just trying to be patient. It's a learning thing for me also =)

cid
2587

Hello everyone,

I am a step mom of a 12 year old girl.. and I have a 3 month old daughter...  I am in no way replacing her bio mom.. however I am a big part of her life and will impact her future in many ways.. I try my best to do the best I can and her dad is a big reason why her and I have a good relationship.

I feel its up to the bio parent in the house hold to set the ground rules and make it clear that we are family and there are rules to follow and what I says goes as well.

The moment the child feels the division it will be very difficult.

 

Good luck to all.

cid
2665

Hi,

   i'm a step child to my step mother. Okay what i think about this problem is, is that she is not  jealous over you she probally feels like her father is trading her. I feel like that all the time but th piont is you shouldn't be saying something like that because does it ever acure to you that she wants to be with her father sometimes without a time limit? Because thats what it seems like to me. But all you can do is just do your best and i know it is hard to take care of another child but that doesn't give ANYBODY the right to treat them like anything. All you should do is just be as nice to her as you can. But don't let her take over anything.

cid
2857

Hello,

    okay why does every stepmother think that the step child is jealous? Nobody is jealous maybe the child wants to spend time with the birth parent who knows. I am i step child and thas how i feel all the time but that does not make me jealous over anybody. All you can do is just try to get close with her and maybe do things with her and don't make her feel left out of anything and treat her right.

cid
2985

Hello to everyone,

I am so glad I came across this site. I am at my wits end with my nearly 17 year old step-daughter. Let me first say that I am saying that she is jealous of the relationship I have with her father because she is. Let me also say that I am not one of those Cinderella step-moms either. I have 3 daughters of my own (19,15,and 13) and their dad and I have been divorced for 11 years and they do not act like my step-daughter does. I am not saying that because I think they are perfect and she is not I say that because their dad and I made an agreement when we divorced that the girls would not play us or cause problems for step-parents should there be any in the future. If the bio parent in the home lets their children there cause problems then that's what they are going to do. It shouldn't matter who tells you as a parent that your child or children are behaving badly, you should, as the adult, listen to what they are saying and just simply check it out. If you find that whomever has not been truthful with you then fine but most "parents" step or not have a genuine love for the children involved and do not say things in regards to them to be malicious. My step-daughter has been horrid in one way or another since my husband and I got together. She has stolen things of mine and my daughters, and or course denied it all. Even when caught in the act, she was never punished. My husband has led her to believe just do whatever and I will smooth it over for you. I have been just like a "mother" to her, more of one than her bio one that's for sure. She doesn't appreciate anything I do for her at all. She uses me and is goody goody to my face then sends her dad text messages behind my back telling him things that I have never even done or said, and of course he believes her. She has also used the I just want to spend time with my dad card and believe me she has every opportunity. That however would require her getting out of her boyfriends a** long enough to do it.  She never wants to spend the time until he decides to do something with me. If we go to eat or to a movie she constantly is calling or texting even when she is with her boyfriend.  She also does things that she knows annoys me. Little subtle things. I don't say anything for a long time and then I just blow my top. for example, today I came in from work ( I work as a sous chef ) and my back and feet were aching. She had been with her dad all day please keep that in mind. I walk into our room to see him and relax and she is in my chair. He says how was your day. I tell him, aches and pains and all and she still sits there. I go to the bathrom, wash a few dishes that of course she has not done and feed the outside dogs. She is still sitting there. Now she knows this aggravates the snot out of me but she continues and he is sitting right across from her and never says a word. I know it seems trivial but she does shit like that all of the time. And he lets her. Its nuts. I know there are a lot of kids that have bad step-parents and for that I am sorry. What about all of the really good step-parents who are dealing with bad step-children. I love my husband and do not want to leave him but she makes my life a living hell. he doesn't see it. If I bring the subject up then he is tired of my actions, my mouth, my complaining, etc. If he has ever scolded her for her behavior its more than I know. He now says that he will treat my girls like I do his which is total bull. They do not manipulate me or the situation at all. They have their moments just being kids and girls on top of that but they are not interested in ruining my relationship with their step-dad. Thanks for reading all this mess and any advice is very much welcomed. 

cid
3319

I know exactly what you are talking about. They are jealous. They are just not secure yet of the relationship. I guess with 4 girls coming into her life when it's just been she and her dad it is a bit scary.  She now knows she has to share her dad and she does not want to. She thinks she may lose her dad somehow. It seems to me that the dad needs to deal with the situation with his daughter and keep assuring her of his love for her but that she must have respect for you and and your children and that you are his wife and that they are now part of her family. He needs to quit answering her text messages and respect you when you two are alone.  He needs to realize that he married you and he must respect you. When she sees that he has respect for you she will act better I believe. I think that is when my situation with my sd got better. She still does not like me but she does not disrespect me as much as she used to. My husband still is very protective of her, which is good, but I would never say anything that should not be said about her if it were not for her own good or would not say anything to hurt her. He is so sensative. So I just does say much at all about his kids or I agree with him even though I don't always agreee about things, just to keep peace. Have you read Ron Deal's book," The Smart Step-Family"? It is really good. It helped me. I've read every book I could get my hands on. I have to go back and read parts of them to encourage myself every once in a while. If you haven't read it I hope you will. It sure helps to know we are not alone but there are so many stepparents out there. I hope I helped some. Most of all pray! I mostly just sympathise with you. Hang in there you're a GREAT stepmom!!!!!!!!!

cid
3321

I've been married a little over a year and my stepkids are 13 and 11 (boy and a girl). They lived many states away, so we usually only saw them for a few months in the summer and a week or two around Xmas. They were about 11 and 9 when I first met them, but we used to get along so well.

Their mom asked us to keep them longer after their regularly scheduled summer trip and enroll them in school near us, and I feel as though our whole family has been butting heads ever since. They had little if any responsibilities over the summer, but now we have to worry about school, etc. and need to enforce more rules. Problem is, our "united front" has crumbled; Dad frequently bends/breaks previously agreed upon rules if the kids' ask him just the right way. Their dad also has asked that I not do any disciplining, but at times it seems virtually impossible when they live with us full-time and I am the only adult home with them at times (seriously, there were fights b/t the two of them where I was worried someone or something would be seriously injured/wrecked). My discipline usually just involved taking away privileges that were completely my jurisdiction (i.e. use of my PC, whether I'd drive them and their friends to the movies, etc.).

My husband has complained about their behavioral/attitude problems at times, but when I gently try to tell him how his lax attitude is hurting and not helping the matter, he usually gets defensive. His son has decided not to come back for the rest of the school year after his Xmas break with Mom, which is making my husband even more reluctant to ever discipline his daughter b/c he's afraid she'll want to go home too. Even worse, he'll occasionally explode on both kids when they're being particularly trying and say mean things to them. These issues are ongoing, and we've just started couples' therapy.

The whole reason I'm posting here is I'm noticing growing jealousy, esp. from my stepdaughter, and the previous issues are I think contributing. My stepson's jealousy started peeking out when we were going to go out for our 1st anniversary; the few other times we went out as a group and invited him he didn't want to go but anytime we tried to alone he got mad and called his mother on us (lied, said we were leaving him home with no food when he knew we were getting him takeout, etc.). His behavior was rewarded with my hubby saying we'd do it another time.

Now, it seems like my 11-year-old stepdaughter is making a play for top hen on the roost or something. I've had several family members point out that she's very flirty with her father, and will occasionally be overtly so and look over at me to see if I'm watching (nothing grossly inappropriate, just giggly/clingy/won't let him hang with the adults at a party and he spends most of his time with her).

We recently set up a small spare room in our condo as an art studio for me/exercise area for hubby. My stepdaughter has her own room, but decided she needed to start a toy collection in the spare room too. I told her no, but hubby told her yes. (my problem with it was that he "doesn't want any doors to be closed" to his children. I don't even have privacy in my own bedroom as they're often in and out of there. I was hoping for a smidgen of privacy free of kid clutter). I gave up the fight and cleared a table for her toys, only to have her to refuse to use the table. She wanted me to move my art stuff from where it was for her toys and has yet to let up. Luckily Hubby saw the ridiculousness of her argument and didn't give in but it may just be a matter of time. That's opened the door to a worse trend of her asking me for something and the asking Dad if she doesn't like my answer. The other day she did this regarding my personal computer that I let her use (re: changing settings).

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was more of the same. Her dad gave me a present, and she started putting up a stink b/c she wants new shoes her mom promised to buy her and she wants us to buy them instead. She didn't want cake, her friend said "happy b-day" and she never did, and she continued to harp about the toy collection. We actually can be pretty close at times (esp. when dad's not there for her to play up to) so this newfound resentment makes me sad. Does it blow over??

cid
3465

when reading one of you articles i felt like i was reading about my self.I have a teenage step daughter of 16 and her respect for people is very low for me she has none.I feel isolated and alone as her father also defends her if i try to check her. I moved away from all my friends and family two weeks after his daugter came to live with me I asked her to come and live with me because she had made her home life sound like pure heell. How ever her mum did ring us and gave us advice that she was bad at making up lies and that she is lazy and has a bad attitude.Us beleaving that her mum was wrong just shrugged it off.Now wham exactly what her mum warned us about has come to us. Before she came to live with me in my house her father and I didnt live together. How silly and naive of me we had a great relationship and never argued now all we do is argue over his daughter because I allow him to check my son but I am not allowed to say anything to his daughter even though she follows none of the rules her father as set out for her. She had me waiting up for her till 3.45am 2 hours and 45 mins late from the time she was given. No apology just attitude for leavin a txt message on her phone telling her to come home. We found out that she had used faulse i.d. to gain ebtry to a night club and she thought this and the fact that we hadnt a clue where she was had nothing to do with us as she was 16. The following day she had put an empty cereal on the floor in the kitchen in stread of the bim that was less than a foot away and the dog ripped it up so when I asked her why she had left the box and the floor a speal of swear words of telling me im nothing and where I should go.  Her father never challanged her on her behaviour. We have a very settled family life before she came along and now the atmosphere in our house if challanged by my partner or me you could cut with a saw. He tells me to let him tell her if i got a beef but i have tried this and he doesnt challange her so as to not cause a mood and atmosphere from her...I have now got to the end of my tether with her and explained to her because she lacks respect for me so bad that I will not cook clean or do anything for her till she can show me a little respect and I have asked mher father not to run around and do it for her how long he will stand by me on that I just dont know...can any one give me some advice on how they would deal with this matter.

cid
3634

I am in the same situation as you are although I am not living with my boyfriend at the moment. He lives 100 miles away from me and my son who is 8 years old. We see each other most weekends taking turns going to each other houses for weekends. He is 10 years older than I am. We get on very well. He wants us to move in with him as we been together for nearly 4 years now. I am scared as we have to give up alot here. My son has a good school nearby and lots of friends and he enjoys his actitives around here too. My boyfriend is not willing to move here and giving up anything. I love him very much. He is a granddad to a lovely granddaughter. His eldest daughter lives near him with her boyfriend. He is very close to her. I think she gets abit jealous of us. As she texts him everytime he's with me when he's at my place. When I go over to his, she's always there with her daughter. I don't mind as I do enjoy seeing the little one and make the most of it with her. But my boyfriend always crisited my son and tells him off. If I say anything about his daughter, he sides with her and don't tell any notice of how I feel as both of his daughters are lay and wouldn't do anything to help us. As I do alot of cooking, washing up. Although he helps me but why should he, his daughters should help but he won't say anything so he keeps the peace. I get really annoyed that's why I am scared of moving. Both daughter's don't live with him, one lives with her mother nearby. He keeps putting down to that they had a hard time when their parents split up but that happened along time ago. My son had a hard time but I don't treat him any different. I am quite strict with him and put down boundaries. I love my boyfriend to bits but his daughter is getting me donw. She's a lovely girl, we do talk. But I feel abit uncomfortable with her around us.
My boyfriend doesn't understand how I feel about this. He thinks everything is okay and that I should accept their behaviour. I get on well with both daughters. But when it comes to them being lazy I get stressed and angry but like you keep it to myself and he knows that as he keeps asking are you okay love, I said yes. It is hard. I think his daughter is jealous if her dad gives my son any attention sometimes I feel they are pushing my son away so they can give the little one attention. I think my son feels it too but doesn't say.

Linda

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6196

Linda, I am so sorry for your little boy. I do think families get competitive even when it is grandchild vs grandchild. So your son getting attention (when he is not even your bf bio son) causes jealousy. I wish you could just stay in your neighborhood and school. In the end, it is your child who is making most of the sacrafice. It's not fair to force him to give up so much and still not be accepted as good and equal in the family. Please think long and hard before you force your son to make sacrafices for your happiness. In the end, you might not end up happy anyway if your bf places his daughters and grandchild before you and your son.

cid
6198

Thanks for the advice. It is a difficult decision, although we been together for nearly 4 years and it's hard to get out of this relationship. I love him very much. I know I have to put my son first. I am in the middle of this between my bf and my son. My son isn't keen on the moving which I have to think long and hard before I decide. Although my boyfriend is willing to have both of us together and will do whatever he can to help us thru all this. But he does not realise that I have a son to consider. He thinks I should put myself first not my son,he thinks my son is making the decision for me saying he isn't keen on leaving all his friends and families. My bf thinks I have a life of my own so I agree. I'm just abit scared incase if anything goes wrong and we have to start all over again and putting distress on myself and my son again. My bf is not willing to move halfway bec of his work. He said if I decided not to move then he feels there is no future for both of us. With the long distance journey. I understand how he feels and will accept his decision whatever it will be. We done alot of things together. Maybe I am looking for reasons all the time. I have to think positive. Maybe I should give it a try and see how things go. My son does not see his bio father not for years and his father doesn't want to know. I am very sad with this as he must feel neglected. I love my son to bits he is everything to me. I am giving him all the love and all the care I can. It is hard being a single parent. My bf can be selfish in ways like having his own way and his saying and always disagree with me regarding his daughters. My bf does try his best to do what he can to do what fathers do with my son. But other times he sorts of ignore him which hurts. I do wish he was better and would have more time for my son.

cid
6201

I am the single mom of an 8 year old boy. My bf is wonderful with my son. He takes him fishing and hiking and is teaching him how men grow. At times I think he is hard on my son and I get upset, but what I remind myself is that many bio dads don't even give as much to their sons as this man gives to mine. As a single mother we can be sensative to criticism about our boys. You have to really really think and analyze objectively about the relationship between your boy and this man. If you son has no father and you have been dating this man for 4 years then this man is like a father to your son. He is the example, to your son, of what a man should be. Your son would have to give up his school and friends if you move, but if you break up with this man then your son will have to give up his father figure. You have a hard decison and I wish you all the love and courage you need to make it.

cid
6203

Hi hopeful. Don't know if your still married and have stepdaughter or son. My experience has been rocky for 7 years off and on.
My stepdaughter was 16 yrs old when her dad and I got married. I did not like the way she talked. She was disrespectful. He told her over the phone which was wrong. About us getting married. She screamed "N O". I hardly ever seen her when we dated. That was a red flag. My husband kept telling me he would take care of the situation after we married. Wrong... he kept ignoring what I would say. Then one day I came home from work. After a long day at work. One hour to drive to and from work. Step-daughter was sitting on couch like Ms. Queen bee watching TV and eating. I went into the kitchen on counter, dishes piled up. She had written on a sticky note "Wash Me". I was tired and fumming. I slammed the door to our bedroom. Then when I came out she says "You slam the door again my dad will kick you out". Ok, since I had only been married for 2 weeks at this point. I said to her "It would be a cold day in Hell, before he or her would kick me out, if I go we all go". Here is what I had to put up with her calling her dad MotherF-cker." She curse like a sailor. She moved in with her mom, because I stood up to her and was not going to put up with her crap. Her dad and mom had been divorced for 10 yrs. She moved 5 hrs. away to go to college when she was 18. I told him,I did not want her cursing in front of me and my daughter which she was 4 yrs old at that time. Making this short. My husband and I have been married going on 7 yrs in Oct. What do you think about all of this? She still has not except the family. She only wants her dads time. He gets defensive when I say anything.

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6786

I am going nuts right now with a 16 yr old girl and I'd really appreciate any advice you can give me.

Her father and I are sharing the same bed (2 1/2 yrs now)but have not committed to marriage. The girl appears to like me at times and asks for all sort of favors. BUT, when it comes to me having a vacation along with him, she has a hissy fit. Is this normal for a daugher to react to her dad having some time along with the women he obviously loves. He's been separated and living apart for there mother for 4 years and she has lived with him for 3 1/2 years of that time. Please someone help me with this situation. I honestly don't know if I can cope much longer!!

cid
7396

First, she is a girl and in my experiance, this is how girls act. Second, it may be that since her father has not made a marriage commitment to you, she does not want to became too invested in you. And third, she is a girl. Read the posts on here and you will see what I mean.

cid
7555

Hi I am new to this site and just read your comments. I too have a 13 yr. old out of control resentful step daughter. Out situations are very similar, unfortunately I have no suggestions because I am in the same boat. I am wondering how it has been going for you since you last commented.

Would love to hear from you. Thanks.

cknichols

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7841

I married him eight years after her mother died. Her mother died when she was five. She still hates me, urging us to "get divorced" often, seemingly out of the blue. 99% of the time I'm more than sweet to her. Only times I'm not are when she's monstrous and I snap. Dad does nothing, and I'm the Bad One, of course.

I was 16 when my mother remarried, after my parents had recently divorced, and then my father unexpectedly and very suddenly died of a heart attack in another state a few months after their divorce.

Was I nice to my new stepfather? Of course.

Did my mother pay much less attention to me, the last of four children to leave home? OF COURSE.

Did I mind? Of course.

Did I say anything? NO.

I just bit my tongue and looked forward to my adult life, when I would have my own husband and family.

Now I do, and now one third of the family -- the 17-year-old stepdaughter -- tells everybody she wants me out.

Dad does nothing.

MIL is eating it up, of course.

Any advice?

cid
7916

A lot of making blended families work has to do with the marriage relationship. Both parents need to stand together as a team. If the bio parent respects his/her spouse, the children are more likley to do so. If the bio parent does not stand becide the step parent, the child will not feel he/she needs to respect them either. If your marriage is not strong enough to weather raising the children together in an ageeable way with respect then get out! No body including the children are happy in a home without harmony. Just end the turmoil... lonely is better than discord and conflict!!

cid
7927

Dad does nothing is the main issue here. You cannot force a parent to be responsible. I am now separated for the 2nd time because of similar issues. It IS better to be lonely than to live with all that discord!

cid
7931

My husband and I met almost 11 years ago our Daughter (my step daughter) live with her mother until she was 12. We had visitation every other weekend. If it was convient for her mom. If it wasn't then we had her every weekend and even the better. To make a long story short her mother lost her other 2 children to the county and county contacted us and asked why we had our daughter living with us. come to find out there were drugs inovolved and we went for custody and got it. Thanks to God. No contact from her Mom for a couple of years only to chew her out for not contacting her, yes her own daughter not contacting her, on Christmas. We have been through 2 boyfriends that have treated not so good and she took a hard loss to that. The second one, had been sneeking in our basement window and sleeping with her on a regular basis. Putting our whole family in danger including us and our 2 and 4 year old sleeping upstairs. Lots more Help Help Help

cid
10433

I have a 17 year-old stepdaughter, who I really no longer want to be around. Everytime she comes over, she is MEAN to me and my 10 year old and her father. Her father does nothing. This behavior has gone on for years: turning on a ceiling fan when she was 13 & my daughter was 4 and breaking my daughters nose--ever apologized to me or my daughter, saying things like to "you aren't my real sister!"; taking advantage her father at every turn. Pretending I am not in the room; locking my daughter out of the room when my husband-without MY knowledge or permission-left my daughter in her care.

For years, I tried to reach out to her, understanding what it is like to be a step child and I tried to be patient. I have asked my husband to be a PARENT, I have suggested that she needs counseling(After she wouldn't return her father calls for 3 days(on the cell phone that he expressly pays for so he can keep in touch with her)when her g'mother died--and said she didn't know if she could make the funeral. Whenever I have made any suggestion, my husband has either said I was the one who needed counseling or said it was just a phase.

A year ago, I reached the conclusion that the best thing for me to do is to be absent as much as possible. This still has not worked because my husband says I am being petty because I do not want to be subjected to her. He is right that I resent and nag him about his daughter, now but that is a recent occurence BECAUSE HE HASN"T ADDRESSED THE PROBLEMS. The last time she came to the house, she used my computer without my permission and went on facebook and into my personal information. When I told her dad, he said I was making a big deal over nothing and questioned how I knew she saw my information. She and her father have a distant relationship and he says he can't correct her because she is 17 and she doesn't live with him. I love my husband, but he is totally in denial about how malicious and his daughter is. I feel like the only way I am not going to face a future with this horrible treatment by her and her father is to divorce him...ANY suggestions?

cid
13735

Your stepdaughter is 17 and nearly an adult. If your husband has not adddressed the problems up to this point, it is unlikely he will. Since she continues the behaviors you find objectionable, at her age it is unlikely she will change even if the problems are addressed.

We enter these relationships that include step-children, hoping the blended family will somehow work out and they often do not. Unfortunately our children become the victims of our misplaced hope. After my 2nd marriage ended because of my 3 ex-stepdaughters, I remained single for 12 1/2 years, long after my children were grown. The man I remarried 1 1/2 years ago, hoping for "3rd time's the charm", and I had many discussions and set clear boundaries regarding his children. There have still been issues (see my post: Stepson's Disregard) but not anywhere near what my children and I had the misfortune to go through when they were young.

I would like to be able to offer some positive suggestions, but at your stepdaughter's age, unless you want to be divorced, it may be better to just protect your children and yourself all you can and ride it out until she no longer comes for visitation. Good luck!

cid
13775

Thanks for your honest advice. I did want so hard to make it work, but I felt like I was the only one who made any concessions...After years of this, my resentment has started to show and I don't like seeing that in myself. Now I just want "out" in terms of I want to know little about her life and I offer no advice, even when asked. I have informed my husband that at the present time, I will not put myself in the position to be a source of conflict... He thinks that my withdrawal will make matters worse, but I really do need to protect myself and my child.

cid
13963

16 years old is a very difficult age for a girl. She probably has other social issues going on that are affecting her behavior at home.

Don't let her tear apart your relationship with your husband. She needs to know that the parental relationship is the strongest relationship in the home.

Your husband may want to find another local job and make some sacrifices so that he doesn't uproot his children from their mother. That would be selfish and the children would have good reason to be mad as fire at him and you.

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16314