I have grown to dislike my step daughter - FamilyEducation
I have grown to dislike my step daughter
01/25/2008 at 15:25 PM

I know this happens all to many times, what does one do when they dislike their step duaghter?

I fell in love with her dad after seeing how loving and carring of a father he was to his little girl, she was always daddys little girl, but alas the little girl grew up and became a spoiled teenager (17)....we got along ok at first, as long as I bought her things, jumped at her every whim and never told her dad when she did something wrong...I never confronted her about anything, that was and still is her fathers responsibilty....I am so tired of seeing her disrespect her dad, lying to him and having an attitude when she doesn't get her way or what she wants...she sleeps around and spends the night or weekend at different boys houses pretty much every weekend all the time lying to her father saying she is at her friends house, I tell her dad she is at a boys house, he suspects she is but he says he has to trust her,why would a father allow his daughter to sleep around like that????? it seems he is happier when she is gone and we have the house to ourselves....

I know it is extremely hard on the kids when parents divorce....do some kids play on this and use it as a tool to get what the want or to get out of trouble?

I see so many posts in here that sound like my situation, I swear it  was as if I wrote it......

Hi well been there done that with 3.....and 5yrs. of relationship....our best times without the 3....I am a mother of 2 and had my of raising single and they turned out well pretty good. You described the youngest and oldest of the 3....it caused termoil in the relationship and we are done...and sorry but the stress is gone....he babied them and they were spoiled at both ends....i had no say... and when i spoke up i was shot down and we had some very slezzy, lying, lets use daddy times.... i am sooooo glad i am away from it....but i am close to the middle girl we had a tough go but she grew up.....and understands....good luck to you...remember life is short and do you want to raise a child in this situation???ps......daddy better get a grip on the boy thing....kids at school will be calling her a slut big time....


sorry i forgot to mention....the biggest comment from thery're dad was "i know how bad my kids are but i don't know what to do" but yet he wouldn't listen to me and became quite close to my children and 3yrs later still buys them holiday gifts....I have no contact.


Went through this 7 years ago with my stepdaughters. My biggest mistake was constantly telling their dad, my husband, what they were doing (as if he didn't know!) and allowing myself to be so consumed by it. When I finally stepped back and started "doing my own thing" more, he stepped up to the plate and started dealing with them.  He did eventually have to kick one out of the house entirely which was just awful. BUT it was the best thing for her. 7 years later, we have a good relationship and she is a productive, SOMEWHAT mature member of society! :-)I was at the point your are, where I just didn't like her. I started a journal and literally MADE myself write something about her I was thankful for every night. Simple as it sounds, it really did help. And at one point, I went to her and told her that I was sorry for the pain I had caused her by marrying her dad. She understood I wasn't apologizing for marrying him-- and wasn't saying I wish I hadn't, but I was acknowledging her pain in it. That was the beginning of a road to healing for us.


I understand how you feel. I have a 15 year old stepdaughter and she constantly tells her dad off. She only likes to be around when we spend money on her too! However, my husband is completely oblivious to this. I have a daughter of my own and she had a jewelry box of over $300.00. My stepdaughter came over and low and behold my daughter's jewelry box was $220.00 short. My husband blamed everybody but his daughter. Her mother poisons her mind a lot about us, but that gives her no right to tell us off or steal. I've put my foot down lately, because dealing with this is JUST SO stressful! I just continue to think that it has to get better over time........ Good luck


   My stepdaughter is 6 now and I know for a fact she is headed in the same direction with boys as yours.  From the beginning you were in a no win situation but how in the heck did you have the strength to not speak up when he didn't discipline her.  I commend you for that.  I have no tolerance for it and I am kicking him and her out.  Good for you though for tolerating it.  She is now the product of what you knew she would be if he didn't discipline her and he and she will pay for that.


I was in the same situation..however I didnt take anyones crap. In other words, I brought up my two step kids as I brought up my own. But then motherinlaw came into the picture and made a mess. So..what did I do? I moved out with my 7 year old son. My husband supports me and his son but we do not live together. We are a couple living in two different houses. I with our son and he with his spoiled now 17 and 18 year olds.

I too feel your pain. My husband has 14 and 16 year old daughters. I too was so attracted to him because of what a wonderful Father he was. But, then when it became clearer how spoiled they were and how they did not want to do anything to be a part of our family life was not so smooth! At first he was very defensive but now he sees more clearly the issues we need to work out as a family. I have 3 children 8,12, and 16 and they love my husband and respect him and his word so it is a challenge that his girls are so resistant to accept me. But, I love this man and I know shortly the girls will be in college and we will have our time so I'm hanging in there for better or worse. Good Luck!

For Better or for worse... yep.. I'm hanging in my situation too! I am somewhat the same as you "Mom3x" Married my husband kids then where with their mother full time, He was so good with them and they were respectful and playful (the were younger of course).. but then as years went by, things weren't so nice. Lucky, my husband now sees how how the daughter is. Before he thought it was just me and that I couldn't see any good in his kids. No.. now he sees and he understands. Like you she is 15, and we only have 3 more years of high school til she is out and off to college, and then we can enjoy the step-son and then we can enjoy our life! 3 years till she is out and off to her own life, and 6 years til the step-son is off to his. So I am in it for better and for worse(at least for 3-6 years) and then it will all be for the better. Hang in there. I know at least for me it will be worth it, only because I love my husband dearly!!!!!!!

Hi everyone, Step-parents especially, I need some advice...Here it is I have a step-daughter who is kind, intelligent and very, very immature for her 13 years and completely helpless at making any type of decision on her own, or any type of deductive thinking (like where her (washed and rolled) socks might be found). She has no friends, but still does not seem to mind this...Her dad is overly fantastic, fixing her every nutritious meal, organizing her every activity (of which there are so many), spending every moment until she goes to bed making sure every night that she has showered, put on deodorant, brushed her teeth...(at 13). I have 3 grown daughters that I raised alone (single parent) and each of them knew how to do all of the above basics without my prompting by the time they were 8 years old. Steve (not his real name) got full custody of his daughter when she was 8 and he 35 because her mother (he was never married to her or had even lived with her)had a meltdown and she lost custody of all her children - 3 kids, three different Dads) this was after he and I had been in a serious relationship for about 2 years. Prior to that he had been the 1,3,5 weekend fun Dad. Soon I moved in, and we bought a house in a better school district for (Veruca...not her real name, but yes, as in Willy Wonka's..."Daddy I want a squirrel...Veruca.) Although, I have gone back to school full time and also work full time...when I do have even one day off Steve wants me to do all the things that I have not had time to do "with Veruca"...not with each other...but wants me to "find something that will entertain Veruca". Yes, this is Steve's bust...in thinking that it is more important for me to make Veruca happy than for us to have some couple time...without a kid present. Even so, I can deal with that problem...which Steve cannot nor does not recognize as a problem at all...he is much to overwhelmed being the perfect father. Steve cannot see that his obsession with being the perfect parent is actually retarding his child's ability to grow as a person, and this imbalance is putting a strain on my emotional attachment to either one of them. My problem is that I simply do not like Veruca...even when I spend time with her, her conversations are centered completely on herself, and if I ask her to help me with any household task...there is continuous sighing...and the job is only slightly done...I end up doing it myself. Believe me I have heard all this before from my girls when they were teenagers, but I also had some power as the MOM...If I say anything to Veruca...she runs and tells "Daddy" that I was being "just awful" to her. Also, as soon as Daddy comes in from work she runs to the door to greet him, jumping all over him literally and she tells him everything that I made her do...like she is Cinderella ...which then puts me in the role of ...you know who. Steve always looks at me very hostily after Veruca has related that I "made" her clean something and she didn't like it. Steve, loves the instant attention from Veruca when he comes in the door but will barely let me kiss him...he doen't like for us to kiss or show affection around Veruca. We also cannot have open discussions between he and I when Veruca is in the room...which is always. She includes herself in our every conversation, and Steve never tells her that he and I are having a private conversation. Even if I am telling him something vital and necessary...if Veruca (or WHEN Veruca) interrupts our conversation...he instantly is riveted on what she is saying and our conversation has immediately ended. I simply find other things to do...Steve does not even realize how rude that she or he has been. I have a friend who is outspoken (but very kind and nice) and when I have mentioned to Steve that my friend will be visiting while he will be out playing his (3 nights a week) volleyball...Steve said, "I really do not think that is a good idea, Betty might say something around Veruca that she shouldn't hear." My friend may be outspoken but not crude. I was beyond flabbergasted. I told him then that Vercua could leave the room, and that she does not have to be right there when I have a guest over. Steve became very passively aggressively angry after that and refused to go to Volleyball, because I would not be spending the time with Veruca while he is out. My first thought is that Steve is just plan...running in circles trying to be the perfect parent, but is in the process of being so close he cannot see that all his mighty efforts are harming Veruca's emotional and social maturity. That is something he will never see...blinded by love for his child...Well that's great and I can either deal with it and just wait for Veruca to go on to College. My problem is how to not resent the kid while she is here...I find myself just gritting my teeth. Oh, yes...vacation. I haven't had a summer off from classes in 3 years, and I have 2 weeks of vacation time from work...Steve had decided that the family vacation will be renting a cabin in the mountains for a month...I reminded him that I at most will only be able to take 2 weeks off...and that I need to visit my daughters during that time. He said, Well Veruca will be very unhappy about that, she was looking forward to us all going. Now I will just have to cancel the cabin. I walked away slowly wondering what the hell I have gotten into here. Help, I want this to be better, but I don't even know where to begin... No private life, and dedicated to serving a teenage girl's every whim.

Oh, my, I can so relate to your situation. Add in the crazy bio-mom resurfacing and causing years of problems and that there were 3 stepdaughters. My ex told me he learned way too late when his children grew up and moved out that he had made many mistakes. Try to get your husband to go to therapy with you (mine did) and hope he is able to realize before it is too late that if he continues on this path he will lose his life partner. If I can be of any specific help to you, let me know. I sincerely hope your situation has a happier ending than mine did. After years of hard work and heartache, I had no choice but to let my marriage go.

Hi all, I am replying to myself...first thanks to all of you for your posts and your comments...After reading all of your situations I did not feel so alone.
No one wants to be the Evil Step-Mother...especially if you feel that you are being unjustly squeezed into that role. This however ... talking about my dislike of my Step-daughter gave me an avenue of reflection for changes in my own behavior and view of the situation with Veruca and Steve.
I can choose to be frustrated and harbor feelings of resentment when Veruca behaves in a spoiled and self absorbed way, or I can train myself to love the unlovable. That is after all an achievement in self growth... It is so easy to love the kind and cuddly...the easy to get along with...I think my mission will be to teach myself to love Veruca. I am sure that is all she really wants from me, and I know that is the type of relationship with Veruca that I initially thought we would have.
Relationships are grown, and I have to remember that this is my garden...although I did not make the seed...I do need to tend it so the weeds (my resentment) does not damage the fruit. I am going to attempt to learn how to experience my Step-Daughter's behavior without feeling her negative behavior. I am going to first learn to observe from a distance emotionally in order to discover the overall problems and not just each little bug eating away at our families plot.
If anyone has any suggestions of ways to help me learn to truly love my Step-Daughter then please post.

I can also go along with what is writen. I just broke off my relationship. We didn't marry because of his daughter. A few of the posts talked about where they can't wait for the child to be old enough that they will move out and go to college. Be prepared for the fact that this child won't move out and won't go to college. Why should they if daddy gives them everything. If the child is immature they won't be going anywhere. If she is treated like a 5 year old, then you know that a 5 year old can't go to college. They need mommy and daddies care. The little queen even at 20 will act like and be treated like she's 10. Oh and look for dad to spend the rest of his life working thinking he's going to make enough money so the little queen can have enough money to live for the rest of her life. As if he is working to make sure when he dies that his widow has enough money. Does the child act the same age as when the partents spilit? None of them (mom, dad, kids) will get past this time if they haven't delt with the family not being whole anymore. Look and see how his ex treats him. Did she tell him that he is a bad father? This kills a man and he will do what ever he can to prove that it isn't true. The guilt factor kicks in above all logic. He may hate the mother of his child, but he will believe what ever she says as if it is gospel. And unfortunatly the new woman (that being us) all of a sudden turns into being the one that is trying to split the whole family existence, even if you don't even know the ex or your relationship started after they split. Look at his mother(mommy). Did she treat him like he is treating his child? Is she guilting him to baby the child, because that is "love". And does she treat him like he is the her husband? No matter what you do to point out the unhealthy actions, if he doesn't take his own step to correct his behavior there is nothing you can do. And he'll resent you and look at you like you are a mean person. I tried to give him information and books to read. In on eye out the other. Even if they admit that they are depressed and don't know what to do (stuck). If you want to help yourself, for your own sake, try to figure out his behavior, go to a search engine and look up co-dependency, emotional incest, entanglement, passive aggressive recovery, helplessness, and the difference between caregiver(healthy) and caretaker(unhealthy). And if you want some thoughtful reading try "How to be an Adult in Relationships".

I have now learned, before you get involved with a man, find out what the dynamics are with his daughter. I went with a former childhood sweetheart and we have been together for 10 years and lived with each other for 3. It is really sad, but his daughter has ruined our relationship. I really feel bad for her dad, because he chased me from the time I was a little kid through adulthood and the love of his life has essentially been chased off by his daughter. I keep a neat house and my kids have been raised to have chores; not his little princess. She was too good for chores and her dad's family backed this protocol. She is now 18 and we battled for the last three years about her coming in all hours of the night. We have caught her passed out drunk 3 times in the house, she has has two sexually transmitted diseases over the last three years and I'm the bad guy. I found her myspace blog, she says she is single and a "player." Over the last three years her dad usurps my authority and now his mother and his daughter have no respect for my authority; his daughter now lies to the entire family and plays the victim when I comment on the trouble. For example, she was coming in during the week at all hours of the night, when I needed to get up in the morning and work, I aksed my fiance to get a handle on her hours and make her come in at "reasonable" times--he would get angry at me, tell me I was complaining about his daughter and to "wear your earplugs!" When my kids are doing wrong, I confront the issue and nip it in the bud. If you have someone who wants to put the blindfold on and pretend the problem doesn't exist, no one wins. What is even sadder, is when he realizes that I am gone because of his daughter and she turns out to be the real problem in his life, because let's face it, you can't be a partygirl and not run into some real troubled times, he is really going to be angry with her. She thinks she has one-uped me by breaking us up; she has only hurt herself in the long-run, because he will be lonely without me, he will resent her and he will eventually wash his hands of her. My advice to women in this situation, keep your mouth shut or move on--otherwise you are just beating yourself up.

My marriage was meant to be so I thought. We dated before for two months and I foolishly went back to my other boyfriend who I married. My husband now also married and had a son. Their son died of cancer at 27 months. They had another son before divorcing. I had a daughter before divorcing. Our circles came around and we married 14 years or so since dating way back when. Our kids were both 7 boy and girl and we had a daughter together. My daughter was always resentful that her stepbrother was so lazy and never had to do anything. My husband would gripe to her to get up, etc. although he was a very good stepfather to her and treated her well. However, When his son became a teenager he started smoking pot. This is when his dad became his best bud. This kid sleeps til 3pm everyday. He didn't want to get up for school because he would play computer games all night. Theres is a ton more between the lines but for the most part, his dad would make excuse after excuse which I though was not wanting to cause confrontation and make his son mad. This kid went through 6 jobs by age 19. The biggest joke was when he enlisted in the air force. He came back from the recruiters with not one but two drug cleaning kits and had the summer to enjoy before leaving in Oct. Well automatically, when he had the two kits, I knew what his plan of attack was. He would fail the military with a dirty test but we would be convinced he really wanted this. I even told his dad the plan of attack. His dad ignored me, even had a going away party. The day he left was the day daddy drove him everywhere to get his list of stuff to bring. Well, sure as I knew it, three weeks later he was back. That was almost a year ago. He was suppose to get a full time job way back when. He is now back to his old habbits which began two days after getting kicked out. Approx. 5 mos. into this nightmare, he was suppose to move to his mothers to get a job and a life. That lasted one week before he came running back to daddy, who greeted him with a case of coke and a case of water. In the following days, I was ticked as I know him better that his father. One evening I came home and thought, "here he is again, laying around all day." He also over the years made odd references that made me think he was gay. So I say, It doesnt look like you went looking for a job how come. Then I said, "Why don't you just come out of the closet" Next thing I knew this POS came around the corner and spit in my face. To make this long story short, his dad had me leave and then filed for divorce as his son must have been really mad to do that. We are in our 4th month and two more to go to finalize. This kid has since layed around in my house while I live on the property in an apt. over the garage. My soon to be ex has the nerve to tell me I should be paying rent in our red tagged apt., yet has made not one effort to push this loser to getting a life. Anyone in this situation. I now have met a nice man and our daughter is now 12 and is overkill in the boy dept. (my daughter who is my stepsons age married and has a baby daughter and a hard working husband in the military) My youngest daughter just called me a whore the other day because I would not let her go to her friends house on a schoolnight and also has homework but was on my space which I specifically told her dad I don't want her on it. Anyway, her dad called the cops on me as he wasn't home when this took place and she hid when I was going to spank her for disrespecting me. The night was kaos with cops and a punk stepson who left with her and stayed at his friends moms house who by the way grows pot inside and gives it to these kids. What would anyone recommend. I don't want to be married to this man, but he is so weak to standing up to these brats, his son is already an adult who should be on his own anyway and now he is destroying my daughter and I's relationship. Any suggestions. (This son has also rear-ended a car and caused 8k damage and while driving uninsured and continued to do so, so daddy made a quick call to pay his insurance.) He also was to pay 2k for this car over two years ago. He has paid a total of $45.00. He is the most laziest thing in the world and he has been manipulating his dad for so long that he is "the chosen" from the matrix and that he is looking for two specific girls one in which his dad jokingling said, Is her name Ishka? He was agast and said yes and so now I know he doesnt plan on leaving cause how many Ishkas are there and he allready said he wasn't meeting any girl now until hes 30. He also thinks he saved the world from the 3rd. w.w. and I'm sure he has gotten all this info from the save the world from evil movies to further his manipulation. Any suggestions or none?

Sloane: Take your daughter and move out alone. Let the Judge decide what will happen with your home and your "things"... TRUST ME!!!!! That boy will influence your daughter and you must protect her. Let your loser husband and his loser son live in their fantasy world and you move on to a better life with your daughter. If I were you I would not bring any boyfriends into the picture right now. You have enough on your plate and you need to get your own life in order before you bring another person into it.

Listen to tamz! I learned the very hard way that blood is thicker than water and you cannot help those who don't want to be helped. This kid got what he wanted which was his daddy all to himself. Your ex will find out too late that he made the wrong choices and that will be a hollow victory. Get out now, material things will mean nothing if your daughter is so damaged by this loser kid that she cannot recover. Because I stayed way too long my daughter ended up in an abusive, controlling relationship for 5 years, from 19 til 24 and just left her abuser 6 weeks ago. And all because years before I had stayed in an impossible situation because I thought LOVE conquered all and that my ex was the love of my life. HUGE MISTAKE!!!! Put all your energy and focus into your daughter and hope she can be saved.

At some point you have to just take care of yourself. My 16 year old stepdaughter is a lying slutty little bitch who does every kind of drug, is constantly wasted at parties with people 10 years older than her, and has a generally bad attitude about everything. Her mother believes her lies and refuses to do anything to discipline her. Finally I had enough and kicked her out and now she has to live at a friend's house. Maybe she'll straighten up and maybe she won't - it's up to her but at least I don't have to deal with her any more.

Well, that was honest. And heartbreaking.

Hi me and my partner have been together for a year and a half his daughter who is 4 is so horrible I have begun not to enjoy being around her I have spoken to my partner about this and he just says I am over reacting al/ she does is misbeahave cries and screams if I ask her to do anything its getting ne so down but I love my partner so much i don't want to lose him what do I do

I am having a problem with my 15 year old step daughter. She hasn't done anything to me lately but every time she gets mad at her mother or father for saying no to her she runs away or starts screaming to the top of her lungs. We have had to deal with 2 situations where she has run away in a situation that she created and accused my husband and myself( the first time) and my husband and my mother in law ( the second time) of abusing her. Neither time has anyone touched her. She never gets punished after these situations. They talk to her and think that it is sufficient. However, It keeps happening and when I suggest that she be held accountable to her actions my husband says that im mean. I am getting ready to go on vacation with my husband and kids in three days and really don't want her to go. I don't want to be stressed on a vacation that I paid for when I have no say so in the way they raise their daughter..Does anyone have any advise for this situation before I just walk away.

Had to do 3 parts. Her dad and I moved back to his home town. Things got worse. She really tried playing her dad against me. She talked horribly. He never would say anything to back me. one day she decided she was talk to me with disrespect and we got into it. After she would not come over started going to grandma. After fighting with him about this we ended up splitting up. We were apart for a year. a year later we wanted to try again. I move back and once again she starts. We were all sitting in the living room when a friend called and ask what I did to his daughter and I said Nothing Why? and she said that she was on fb and seen she posted that she wanted to bash my F'ng face. her father asked what and I told him. We asked why and she sat there and said i don't know why. Since then she has not been to our house.

She lives with grandma now. She has been telling grandma that she has been staying at a friends come to find out I knew her friends mother so we had a chat and found that his daughter has never stayed the night there. because she is staying with the boyfriend. He is 28 she is 19, he lives with grandma, has no car, works at McDonalds and has a record. I had to tell him there is nothing we can do. He wanted for the ex to get his daughter on the pill and of course the ex says "well they always made me feel funny" needless to say she never encouraged her to get on the pill. This past weekend mother called him and ask that just he come to her house. Since my husband got that news that his daughter is pregnant he has been so upset. Well my husband is now lashing out at me.

Does it get better after your stepchildren go to college or does it really get worse