horrible mother - FamilyEducation
horrible mother
03/28/2008 at 13:57 PM


Hi I am new to this so bear with me.  I have recently moved to California from Virginia to live with my boyfriend.  Since my moving in we have acquired full custody of his 11 year old twin girls.  We were at the beginning sharing custody.  The mother of the girls is the most selfish person I have encountered.  She is a drug user and an alcoholic.  She refuses to work and subsequently spends her days drinking and thinking how to make my boyfriends and my life as miserable as possible.  She was pulled over by the police for driving under the influence while having the girls in the car.  She was picking them up from school. 


She has sent me horrible letters and has called me saying horrible things to me.  My boyfriend tells me to ignore her because she is sick and cant help herself but it is truly getting the best of me.  Now her boyfriend even calls me names. I truly dont know how to handle this without the support that is required.  I dont say anything because I dont want to jeopardize the girls welfare.  But I feel my boyfriend needs to step up to the plate and make a stand for what is important in his life, me and the girls and tel the wife to jump off a bridge.   The last time she was to pick the girls up for her scheduled visitation she cancelled and rescheduled only to show up 1 hour later then the pick up.  I refused to have the girls go with her because they were doing homework and I want her to learn that a when the Court Order says 3:30 it means 3:30 not when she wants to come.  Subsequently, she called the police while at my house screaming and cursing at me.  She told them I was holding her children at gun point.  I was mortified.  Nothing like this has ever happened to me even when I was marriend and going through an abusive marriage.  She expects us to repect her and do everything she says I feel we are in prison because we have full custody and she gets them on Tuesday for 3 hours and everyother weekend.  Which she never shows up for.  She refused to let us go on a vacation that ahas been planned since October long before we got full custody, last week because she has her weekday visitation after we told her she could see them any day we were home after we got back.  We finally just took the girls and went.  We are now waiting to see what she will do to us.  I am so scared the judge is going to take the girls away because we took them on a vacation they truly had begged their mother to let them go on. 


There are so many horror stories, but throughtout this the girls know that they are safe with their father and I and that we are giving them the stable environment that they will require to grow.


I need help and strength to be able to cope with this women and her insecurities.  Is she still in love with her children's father?  Will she do something to harm me?  I need guidance.  My boyfriend is a kind and wonderful man and we are meant for each other.  We have known each other our whole lives and were reacquianted by fate alone.  Any advice???


Olga

I don't know too much about American laws but would imagine they are not too different from here in Britain. Could you not get what we call a restraining order against her and her boyfriend as you have full custody. I don't know how that would work with visitation rights though. I would think that if she is being abusive and threatening, the courts would take a very dim view of that. It doesn't sound as if she would be a very good influence on the children and although I would never normally want a child to be kept from a parent, I think in some cases it is the only appropriate action until she gets her act together. I would seek legal advice on this. I am sure that the courts would not wish to take the girls from the loving stable relationship they have with you and their father.
cid
4376

Olga, as a single father with custody, let me point out where you are making some mistakes. First of all it was not “we” who acquired full custody, it was in fact your boyfriend. Even if you were legally married, the law regards you as a “legal stranger”. As a step parent you would have no rights to these children. If something were to happen to your boyfriend tomorrow, the girls would go back to their mother.

Your attitude towards the mother is one that will hurt your boyfriends case should he find himself back in court. For you to withhold the girls from their mother during her court appointed visitation time, to teach her a lesson, is something that can come back and hurt your boyfriends case as well. Visitation time which is awarded to a parent is time for them and their children, whether they pick the kids up late, on time, or not at all is their prerogative. Unless the court order states that the mother must pick the children up by a certain time, or forfeit her visitation, your boyfriend could be found in violation of the court order. Too many violations could be grounds for a modification of custody.

It seems that you are struggling to prove to this lady that you have some type of authority, when in fact you have none. Her calling the cops was the right thing to do, the officers report is just what she needs to prove what she alleges in court. Should she choose to pursue this with the court this could work against your boyfriend.

As for the vacation, if this transpired during her visitation time that would be another violation of the terms of the court order. Whether the kids begged their mother to let them go or not, it was your boyfriends decision to violate the order. In the future if you want to go on vacation during the mothers time, your boyfriend needs to get it in writing from the mother that she agrees with the vacation, and have spelled out a solution to make up the days she misses with her children.

Until you have children of your own, you can never know the deep down love a parent has for their child. I think we can all agree that the mother has made some huge mistakes, but the courts do not feel that she has made any that would render her as being unfit. To not only lose custody of your children, but then to also have a non parent tell you when you can or cannot see your children, is enough to cause serious mental distress to the most level headed of people. In my opinion, you are playing with fire.


cid
4385


Thank you for your response to my email.  First I think I need to begin by clarifying that I would never withold the children from their mother.  My boyfriend was away on business and the children's mother showed up on a day that was not her day and demanded to see the children.  I simply followed the orders given to me by my boyfriend and the court order.  When she called the police the police asked the children what they wanted to do and they indicated that because of the stress of listening to their mother screeming obsentities to me outside our house that they would prefer to go.  We/I encourage the children to visit with their mother whenever they want but the children are frightened of her because of the mental abuse.  She speaks poorly of their father and his family and drills them for information.  We on the other hand never spoke poorly of their mother and I have spoken with the children and explained that I am not their mother and will never be their mother I am only here to help make their lives in this difficult situation as great as possible. We have also have told their children that when their mother gets the help the courts have indicated she needs the kids will be going back.  She knows this is a temporary situation but yet she has gotten rid of all of their possessions.  The children no longer have a bedroom in their mothers house.  She gave away their beds and replaced their rooms with an office and a place for her antiques.  I take the girls to all of their activities as their mother has a court order allowing her the right not to participate in any extra circicular activities.  I am not hurting the children I am helping with all my heart.  I want these girls to grow up happy and healthy.  If their mother is a part of this process it would be wonderful.  But I feel their mother is making decisions that may not be reversable.  All I want is for her to get the help needed to allow the girls to feel comfortable with all the new people in their lives.    Please do not pass judgment on me for loving someone elses children as if they were my own.  I play a large part in these childen's lives.  I have restored the confidence that the girls need.  They come to me for advise and I give them appropriate advise with teh assistance of their father.  I do have three children who are grown and extremely well adjusted to the fact that they too unfortunately came from a broken home.  My daughter is married happily and my sons are both involved in great jobs and school.  I do know the hardships involved for all in a divorced home.  Thank you for allowing me to explain my life.  It is good for me to have people to talk to.  I understand your position and it appears you are very hurt with your present situation.  It takes a long time to get over divorce especially when there are childdren involved.  All they want is for their mom and dad to get along.  Honestly, I would like nothing more myself.  It is interesting that you should bring up the being a nobody in the children's lives.  I know that.  But for know I am someone.  I am the mother figure that their mother is not currently able to give them.  I will always be there for the girls at whatever capacity God wants me to be involved.  Thanks.  O
cid
4389

First of all, concerning my present situation, I am not angry with my divorce, or custody. I have custody of my children, and sole decision making. I know it would be convenient for you to view me as someone who is angry and that’s why I responded in such a way, but that’s not the case. What really gets to me is uninvolved parties thinking they have a place in between the mother and father of the children.

 

In your first post you stated the following:

The last time she was to pick the girls up for her scheduled visitation she cancelled and rescheduled only to show up 1 hour later then the pick up I refused to have the girls go with her because they were doing homework and I want her to learn that a when the Court Order says 3:30 it means 3:30 not when she wants to come.

In your reply you contradict yourself by stating:

First I think I need to begin by clarifying that I would never withhold the children from their mother. My boyfriend was away on business and the children's mother showed up on a day that was not her day and demanded to see the children.

You did attempt to hold the children from their mother. Who are you to teach their mother a lesson? First you say it was her day, then you say it wasn’t. Which one is it? Even if your boyfriend told you to violate the order it still comes back to him.

You also say:

We on the other hand never spoke poorly of their mother and I have spoken with the children and explained that I am not their mother and will never be their mother I am only here to help make their lives in this difficult situation as great as possible.

After you have already said:

The mother of the girls is the most selfish person I have encountered. She is a drug user and an alcoholic. She refuses to work and subsequently spends her days drinking and thinking how to make my boyfriends and my life as miserable as possible.

 

 

We have also have told their children that when their mother gets the help the courts have indicated she needs the kids will be going back.

So you never speak poorly of the mother, but you felt you should tell the kids that their mother will be seeking court ordered help? I wonder what a GAL would do with that bit of information?

 

I am not hurting the children I am helping with all my heart. I want these girls to grow up happy and healthy. If their mother is a part of this process it would be wonderful. But I feel their mother is making decisions that may not be reversable.

You make these statement and also say you are not trying to take their mothers place? Your actions speak louder.

It is interesting that you should bring up the being a nobody in the children's lives. I know that. But for know I am someone. I am the mother figure that their mother is not currently able to give them.

 

I never said that you were nobody in the children’s lives, what I said was the law regards you as a “legal stranger”. Yes, you are someone, but not someone with any authority over these two children. And certainly not someone the court will allow to continue violating a parents legal rights. Your attitude, and feeling of entitlement, is not going to work well for your boyfriend should he have to go to court. Judges see this all the time. I have seen a step mother reprimanded by a judge and told to leave the courtroom. The judge was furious that the new wife would interfere with a biological parents court appointed time. The judge told the father, and the mother, that the next time they come before him for a similar violation, he would at that time give serious consideration to the modification the mother was asking for.

 

Gail H. I just had an epiphany!!! Is this what you mean by parents should not start a new relationship until their children are grown??? If this is what you are talking about, I wholeheartedly agree. I am astounded at the over involvement, and feeling of entitlement being displayed here. I wonder if I just got lucky to find the person I am with. She stays completely out of the middle, and has never overstepped her boundaries.


cid
4390

You are twisted my words and made them bad.  Please dont respond to me again
cid
4391

 This is an open forum. I am free to take part in any discussion placed on the board.  I used your own words in the context in which they were given. I twisted nothing. I merely showed the obvious contradictions between your two posts. If anyone believes I twisted your words they are free to scroll up and see for themselves.
cid
4392

Olga,  I'm sure you only want some peace with things and I think your intentions are good.  I actually think that you could make your situstion better for yourself and everyone  if you just limited your involvement to how you interact with the kids when they are in you home.

 

 When it comes to making decisions for the kids, leave it to your boyfriend.If you could avoid even talking with the ex it would make things better.  You think you are trying to reason with her, but really you are just antagonizing her ... this only makes things more difficult. 

 

If you want some imput with the kids then offer it in private to only him and then leave it up to him and the mom to make the decision.  If the mom is unreasonable or drunk all the time as you say, then let dad interact with her, I'm sorry, but its not your place to do so.

 

Consentrate on building a strong friendship with the kids and making your home environment the way you want it to be.  Remember, you are not their parent so you don't have to make all the decisons for them.

 

 

cid
4393

Olga, I wish you well. Good luck with what you have to do. It isn't easy I know. You appear to want whats best for those children.
Single dad, you can be very pedantic with people. Are you a lawyer or something. You often make it sound like you are cross-examining and judging someone in a witness box.  And all the bold print!.
cid
4398

Junieg, Thank you for your reply, and your question. Maybe it would have been better if I had simply told her that she was doing a great job and that I wished her well. The fact is she needed to hear the truth. No matter how great, or sincere her intentions she was/ is interfering with the relationship between a parent and child. I’m sure you would become quite pedantic if it were your child being kept from you. Even though you have a judges order stating when you may see your child, your ex’s new love interest will not allow it. What parent worth their salt would stand back and allow that to happen unchallenged? The freedom of speech is one that must be protected even when we don’t like what is being said. In the same sense, we must protect parents rights to their children, even if we believe they have made some mistakes along the way.

Am I a lawyer? No, I am a father who’s parental rights were tested by a third party. I had to learn to look up laws, write declarations, and which motions to file. Because I would not allow my rights to be eroded, because I would not allow a third party to take my children, I eventually prevailed. It is obvious you have never been in such a situation. To have your children one wall away from you, and a non parent tells you that you cannot see them, that you cannot even hug your child. If there is anything worth fighting for it is our rights as parents. I will not coddle the very people who challenge these rights.

The bold print was to allow the reader to decipher between the posters words and mine. If you notice, it was not my words that I bolded. Now you know what makes me tick.


cid
4404

Yes. Thanks.
cid
4405

my pleasure, anytime.
cid
4406

snglmom
thank you for your words of wisdom.  I truly am trying hard to stay out of the middle, but I am placed in situations where he is away on business and I have to deal with certain situations.  She called the police again today pretending we were keeping the kids from her when in reality she failed to listen to the children when they told her that they would be dropped off after church.  She is not scheduled to have the kids today and my boyfriend out of the goodness of his heart asked the children to contact their mother and see if she would like to see them today.  She turned this into another drama with police once again involved.  I will take your words to heart, but my boyfriend relies on me greatly for support and input with the kids.  This is great for me to talk to youo guys and get the strength I need to be a good person.  The children look to me for advice and guidance and speak to me openly.  I have stepped into the role of giving to them the motherly guidance that has been lacking for so many years.  As long as the girls ask I will be there for them.  I do not pry, I only listen. 
cid
4408

snglmom
You are a very sad lonely person.  You are very bitter.  I know these words I have written will result in some kind of badgering from you, but it is the chance I will have to take.  I hope God helps you get through this horrible time in your life.  You know sometimes when you write you write and dont realize taht you are going to be judged and eeryword disected.  I am sorry for that and know that this was a true learning experience and will be extremely careful from now on how my words are written to protect myself from people like you.  I just wanted some careing advice, not someone to make me feel horrible about how I am trying to handle this most unfortunate situation.  Please once again I ask you not to participate in any disscusions related to my needs.  It is extremely disturbing to see you on the board. 
cid
4410

I think you are talking to me, but you wrote it to the wrong person. The ordeal you are speaking of is not something I am currently going through. As for being bitter, sad, and lonely, I am none of those things. If you would like to believe that I am, if that helps you deal with what I have written, then please feel free to believe what you wish. You may dismiss what I have said because it is not nice, but even though it did not sound nice, it was solid advice. It seems that you need to find out for yourself what I have tried to tell you. So let me just say what I should have said from the beginning. It is obvious that this is what your looking for.

You’re doing a great job. I know this is hard, but you are doing the best you can given the current situation. Those girls need you more than they need their mother. God has sent you to help them through this difficult time. No matter what the courts say, or the orders issued, you do what you feel is right. God will take care of everything else.

 

Now doesn’t that feel much better? Now you have the caring advice you wanted.


cid
4412

snglmom
You make me laugh.  Thank you so much it is exactly what I needed to hear, sarcasum
cid
4416


Its sarcasm, now I know why you keep getting my name wrong. Bless your heart, you can’t help it. Good luck to you.

cid
4420

I know people on both sides of a child custody situation the stepmom & the mom that don't like the stepmom 2 different families anyway I can understand both of you, I just wanted to say that in the town I live in there have been 3 babies killed by there mothers this past 8 months one mom was just fed up with being a mom and wanted a way out, another one said her baby fell from the crib and she would never shake a baby even though the autopsy said different, I'm not sure what the 3rd moms reason was for wraping her 7 month old up in a blanket and setting him on fire. I do know the police report said she tested positive for drugs & was parting the night before. My point here is  that sometimes other people need to get involved in a childs life when the parent isn't responsible enough to take care of there kids. Drinking, drugs, & parenting don't mix. I also think the father needs to get a job closer to home so he can be there for his kids during this hard time, it is his responsibilaty to make sure his kids are in a safe enviroment  no matter who they are with the mom or the dads girlfriend.    
cid
4445

Lets not forget that we are getting just half of the story. If the courts thought that the biological mother were a danger she would not have the visitation that she has. Furthermore, if the father thought that the mother were a danger he would not allow the kids to go with her, and would be petitioning the courts for supervised visitation in order to protect his children. For these reasons, and the inconsistencies in the girlfriends posts, I believe there is much more to this story that we are not being told. I have always believed that there are three sides to every story. Each side has their take on what the facts are, and somewhere in the middle lies the truth.


cid
4448

My friend welcome to my world. I wish I had advice for you but I do not have any. Some women are just that way. Children become the rope to which they held on to their ex-partners. They have no regard for you or the children. Here in South Africa their is also laws in place but the problem is when the parents of the children does not step up to the plate. For 10 years nothing has changed regarding this situation in my own life. Either find a way to work around it if you can, exept it or get out. I do not want to be negative but if there is any one out there that has something possitive please let us both hear from you. What I cannot understand is that the fathers can not step up and act in the best interest of their children.
cid
4450

The good news is that you have some power. Power over your own actions and your own home. You can not control the actions of the mothers but you can set a good example in your home. You can love these children and chose to react reasonably when the mothers do unreasonable things. I lived with an abusive man for 10 years. I divorced him 12 years ago. He has had many disfunctional relationships in that time. I told myself I would remain reasonable and honroable when dealing with them. There were times when things got escalated, but when me and the kids were in my home, things were calm. Even if you have to turn the phone off and ignore the moms, do it. But remember they have power over their home,thier actions and their time with the kids. Stop trying to change a grown woman's behavior and just control your own.
cid
4453

I just got this email so forgive me for replying so late. I really hope you get this. I too have been thru a lot of crap with my husbands ex.. I can tell you this; Those girls are absorbing everything that happens, they will get tired of it, and soon enough they will be able to speak up for themselves and they wont want to be around their mom at all, mind games & guilt trips Im sure she has done it to those girls.. You just need to let them know you are there for them, build trust and security for them that is what they need most. Let them know they can always count on you. Do they know their mom is a drunk and druggie? They need to know that their mom loves them but that she doesnt know how to make the right choices in life and she is making bad choices right now. You have to be careful that the girls dont grow up thinking that these things are okay to do, and that kids come first. Breathe, it will all work out in the end, dont allow her to get in your head or theirs. She is complete trash, live your life - but dont get hung up in hers. I lived by this for years "If there's nothing you can do about it, let it go". You have the girls, your setting a good example. They may not admit it, but they know their mom is a nut job they just dont get why.. they will work thru this in their heads eventually. I have two step daughters who are now 15 & 16, I have been with them since they were 2 & 3 - when their mom left them. Their mom wasnt into drugs & drinking heavily - but a nut job just the same. They choose to live with us, you know since their mom gave them the choice assuming theyd choose her. That was a shocker! Think of your husbands ex as if she is a mere child, really that is what she is. Respond to her in that way. Stick to the court appointed schedules. You will not be able to teach her any lessons,she probably isnt capable of learning.. but dont stop living your life either. If she is to pick them up at a certain time and an hour later no mom, no call, if you have things to do, take the girls and go do it. No games, just living your life. Ignore all of her that you can on a personal level.. if she harasses you file everything wiht the courts, especially everything the girls witness. Good luck to you I hope this helps.
cid
4676

to Sngldad.. I think you are an angry man, who is being very judgemental. Here is this woman who loves her boyfriend, and his kids and is going to go the extra mile for them all and you completely shoot her down. Sometimes we are in situatins that we dont know how to handle but do our best. That is why she reached out - for some help. Step parents do matter in cases when it comes to divorce, they are a part of the childrens world in which they live. Thank god some kids have stepmoms because if not who would their female role model be? I am not saying that the step mom (hopefully they get married since they are living together) shoud run the show in court, but to be involved in a positive way is perfectly fine. It isnt all bad for the girls to see someone gives a damn and they deserve more.. Not to mention the mom does drugs and drinks.. picks up the kids drunk.. how does she deserve anything.. she is a scumbag, another breeder in the world who shouldnt be having kids if she cant even take care of herself.
cid
4677

I think you are an angry man, who is being very judgemental. Here is this woman who loves her boyfriend, and his kids and is going to go the extra mile for them all and you completely shoot her down. Sometimes we are in situatins that we dont know how to handle but do our best. That is why she reached out - for some help. Step parents do matter in cases when it comes to divorce, they are a part of the childrens world in which they live. Thank god some kids have stepmoms because if not who would their female role model be? I am not saying that the step mom (hopefully they get married since they are living together) shoud run the show in court, but to be involved in a positive way is perfectly fine. It isnt all bad for the girls to see someone gives a damn and they deserve more.. Not to mention the mom does drugs and drinks.. picks up the kids drunk.. how does she deserve anything.. she is a scumbag, another breeder in the world who shouldnt be having kids if she cant even take care of herself.
cid
4678

Love and caring is not enough when dealing with evil.My EX-stepdaughter's mother was/is pure evil and is the reason my EX is my EX. No matter what was tried, she found another way to torture my ex-husband and thus, me and my children. My advice to this (and any) stepparent is to back off and let the bioparent be just that and require him/her to parent. Well-meaning as it may seem, any stepparenting interference is just an exercise in futility. My family was put through hell until there was nothing left of our marriage. It was just so unfair to put my 2 children through it anymore. No matter how much you want to help/save your partner and/or your stepchildren, you still have to deal with the evil EX. Sorry to sound so fatalistic, but the Brady Bunch was just a TV show!!! Good luck to you all!
cid
4702

I have been living a very similar experience so I can empathize with the way you "want" things to be or "wish" they were. I've got news for you: sngldad speaks plain truth. It is nice to hear you're fighting the good fight, I too want to be told this. BUT, I only want to hear it if it's true. Fight, but why fight the good fight the wrong way? You'd do just as well to smack your head 3x hard against a brick wall! The man makes sense. Put aside your ego and look at his actual words. He offered truth first and without judgement. You took judgement from his words because that is what you feel for yourself. Perhaps you have some co-dependent issues in your relationship. He needs to stone up and take this fight on himself, better to take it on with good form & give those girls with an example of what meeting your obligations really means. My sympathies carry only so far for one who wants a "there, there, now" and less far still for those with such poor gramar! Sngledad, I like your style!
cid
30858