Help with problem with 16 yr old - FamilyEducation
Help with problem with 16 yr old
04/29/2008 at 13:10 PM

Ok please bear with me as we have been looking for help in this situation its kind of long i will do my best to keep it short:

My Fiance' and I have been dating for 3 years - both of us have come out of very abusive relationships- her with her ex husband not violent just verbal abusive - mine with my ex wife also verbal abusive- I was married 15 years she was married 20 years- we were best friends in high school and remained in contact off and on thru the years- we are both in our early 40's i have no children and she has 2 children from her marriage - one 22 yr old daughter the other a 16 yr old daughter- Her ex husband is getting married this week after meeting someone 3 months ago - this is the issue - her oldest daughter has fully accepted me and has done so for the last 2 years - her youngest daughter - the 16 yr old refuses to talk to me to be around me and will not support any relationship that her mother and i have together- We are living together and her father has custody of the 16 yr old - the situation is that i have to leave every thursday and every other weekend as that is when my Fiance has her 16 yr old daughter - She has made it quite clear she will never accept me and does not want to be around me not even in the same room- holiday functions are the same way my fiances whole family has accepted me but i have to leave when her daugher shows up for events like christmas, etc. She has threatened my fiance that if she marries me she will never come and visit her again- this is very trying on both of us - i am very patient and that is why we are waiting till next year to get married - i would like some advice as i am thinking of asking my fiance to start showing tough love but putting her foot down as to me having to leave those days i have to - the money i have to spend on staying away those weekends could be spend on bills on our home - any advice would be appreciated as i know if that happens my fiance is very scared she will lose her 16 yr old daughter

thank you in advance

Tough love is the ticket here!!! She has already lost her daughter since she is letting her daughter contol her. This will get worse, not better unless the mother takes control NOW!!!!!

Well, I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but I'm glad (at least) your fiance asks you to leave when her daughter is there in order to keep some sort of one on one relationship with her daughter. There is a problem that the girl is having with you and I think it is your problem as well as hers. You should take responsibility for trying to make a good friendship with the girl. Let's face it, your fiance has two children and that will never change. I think your fiance should start to address the problem during her alone time with her daughter. She should (if her relationship with her daughter is a good one) find out why her daughter is so adverse to you. She should then work with you to find a solution. Remember, kids have a hard time with divorce anyway because they often feel they are not loyal to the other parent if they accept the new person. You must keep an open mind and work very hard not to "hate" the girl or you will NEVER have a solid friendship with her. Do you like her? If you can't make things work with her then you don't belong with your fiance at this time. You may need to think about waiting a few years.

Thank you for the replies - yes its obvious that the youngest daughter has a problem with me and hates me - i think this stems from the fact her father is a very negative person and his feelings to me are the same very hateful - so am sure has a lot to do with it- My fiance has tried countless times to talk to her daughter and find out whats wrong but her daughter never wants to listen-we are patiently waiting regardless of the fact that her father is getting married this week and the daughter has no issues with that at all - i dont hate the daughter im not that kind of person but i do not see her ever accepting me ever and it has been 3 years i just feel that the daughter is controlling my fiance and in my opinion we have to put down some tough love i do think that if my fiance does this then yes it will hurt and the daughter will probably not come and visit her anymore the only reason she does now is because she has to - anyway thank you for the advice as i stated this week her father is getting married and i have to stay elswhere this whole week as my fiance is having her daughter with her while they are off on their honeymoon .