Desperately need advice - FamilyEducation
Desperately need advice
10/27/2008 at 08:02 AM

I met an ex partner of mine eight years ago and we got back together. She had a child of ten at the time, and she informed me that I may be the father of this child, from when we dated years earlier. After months of agonising and debating what to do, we told her that I may be her father and that we would take a DNA test and move forward from there. The daughter was set against the DNA test so one was never taken; we got on fine from then and had a happy time together. Then two years ago when my partners daughter hit 16, she accused me of being a sick twisted man for entering her life and pretending to be her father. I explained to her that I wanted a DNA test, and that her mother and I had agonised over what to do for the best and Yes we probably shouldn’t have said a word. Things calmed down and we started to get back to how things were; recently, my partners’ daughter has said the vilest and disgusting things to me, claiming I am vile, vulgar, sick and twisted for wanting to ruin her life.
She thinks I came along and ruined her life out of some sort of spite or twisted pleasure. She has started telling her mother that I am seeing other woman (which I am not) and that she has seen me with other women (which she hasn’t). She asked her mother end her relationship with me, when se refused she stopped talking to her mother after telling her she had no respect for her anymore.
I seriously do not know what to do; I love my partner dearly and don’t want to end our relationship. I love my partners’ daughter and don’t want her upset. Should I walk away from my partner so her daughter is happy or do I ride out the storm and hope she claims down one day? I seriously do not know what to do for the best

You didn't mention anything about how your partner feels about all this. Is she even speaking up for you, or doing anything to set her daughter straight? Honestly, you both need to step up to the plate and not let this girl disrespect you like this. If your partner is not doing anything about this, it's only going to get worse. You need to work as a team and be consistent. You obviously love this family and want things to work out. However, if your partner is no being supportive of you, I wld reconsider the relationship. If it stays like this, things will not get any easier, and you will only get more hurt. Talk to your partner, and try working together to fix the situation. Maybe even talk to your partner's daughter, and get her take on all this. Why wld she suddenly be acting like this? Maybe it's the teen yrs, or maybe it's something more. If all else fails, you cld always consider family counceling. I hope this helps.

There is definitely more going on here than just the paternity issue. Your daughter is angry with you for more than not knowing if you are her bio father or not. Get a DNA test, it's the right thing to do. We all want to know our heritage and this girl deserves to know. It is costly about $350 - $500. Get the results and then start to address all the issues you face as a family. Good Luck!

my partner, wants us to stay together,, but obviously doesnt want to hurt her daughters feelings, we speak about this all the time, I believe that her daughter is sufferng with stress due to college work, the family situation and life in general, yet if i try to talk to her I simply get ignored or told it is none of my business. I suggested family councilling but again this fell on death ears. I am hoping that when her stress levels drop, she may take my advice and seek help along with myself and her mother. I just pray that it all works out.

i have suggested a DNA test but she refuses on the grounds that in her opinion i am not her fater and she doesn't want me to be her father, I have suggested councilling for us all but this approach has also failed. But thanks for your reply.

It seems like you don't want the test either. Do you believe you are her father??

I believe the test will only confirm everything, but it will not solve the problems you are facing. There is obviously a lot of resentment here which needs to be addressed first. I don't think it wld matter whether you're this girl's bio father or not, as long as you're commited to her and this family. The problem is this girl. She refuses to believe that you're her father, and she doesn't want to know anything else. I'm sure if she didn't have a problem w/ you personally, she wldn't care so much about whether you're her father or not. You need to find out what exactly is going on w/ this girl, and why she's acting this way. I'm sure this is a very difficult and confusing situation for her to be in, and maybe instead of facing it, she's hiding from the truth of it all. You may or may not be this girl's father. But, whatever the case, you need to get to the root of the problem before you can expect to move forward with this relationship. I also believe your partner needs to take more of a stand here w/ her daughter. She is obviously trying not to upset her daughter more by tiptoeing around the situation. However, this is doing nothing to help your relationship w/ her and her daughter. Address the situation head on, and seek family counceling. You can always consider a DNA test at a later time, or if you shld need it for legal purposes. Good luck. I hope everything works out for the best.

I absolutely agree with "concerned"... There is discord here than has more to do with relationship than paternity. I believe the first step is to get a definite answer as to if you are her bio father or not and then you can go from there. You might be able to eliminate the possibility just by using blood type. You can determine if you are NOT her bio dad. However, you will have to do the DNA if the blood types are the same.

Thank you for all your replies. I have spoken to my partners daughter and although she still 'hates' me, she has agreed to a DNA test. regardless of the result I will always love her, and always be there for her. I just hope we can all overcome these issues.

Good luck!