Boyfriend with 2 Kids. - FamilyEducation
Boyfriend with 2 Kids.
10/22/2009 at 10:55 AM

My boyfriend lives with me and we have lived together for year plus. He has 2 toddlers, 3 and 4 1/2 with non-custodial custody so every other weekend we have them. It's been difficult but we are finally able to be 'happy' around the kids and they are becoming more accepting of me in different care-giving roles when he can't manage both of them at the same time. Our relationship has gone through many strains with many adjustments but we are making them.

However, he has made it clear that he is not ready for marriage. He has indicated he wants to be eventually but has no timeline what so ever. I don't want to pressure, but it has made my role very confusing due to his expectations.

He coaches on the weekends when he has the boys, so he needs help with taking care of them. He doesn't want to marry me right now, but wants me there to 'help'. Which means, I will get them ready, I will cook them breakfast and I will take care of them essentially until he's back (because I work full-time also and am in Graduate School so weekends is when I really catch up on homework).

Is this common? Am I unreasonable to want a more solid commitment from him before becoming a step-mom and sacrificing myself as well as my current obligations with school? I feel as if he wants a wife, and a mother replacement so that he can carry on his life as normal, but not buckle down his commitment to me as a husband.

Any thoughts?

Sounds like you have a good understanding of what is going on. The question is, is this your "dream come true?" If it is, put your best effort into it. I'd be packing.

I've thought about it- but then who would be there for the boys. They've had no consistentcy and their mother is absentee. They live with their mother's parents and she works nights and does her 'own' thing too. So it's just a tough situation and I can't see in between lines....

This is harsh, but it is a reality. There is no guarantee that the boys' parents will take responsibility. What is sure is that as long as you provide an alternative, the parents will not feel like they have to be responsible. Also, at any moment, you could be history. The longer you stay, the more dependent the boys become on you, the harder it will be for them when you do leave. You are not a source of stability. You are their father's live-in girlfriend. That's not a stepmother, it's not a mother. It's a stranger. One who should leave now, before they become even more attached. This is not a strategy to get your bf to commit to you. You don't want to be with such a self-centered piece of work, do you?

This is pretty harsh, but I find a ton of validity in this. Thank you :).

As an ex wife and step-parent who stayed in a marriage with their overwhelmed father for the sake of my former stepchildren, my advice would be to get out now before these children become more attached to you and you to them. Unless you want to be feeling used in a few years, when you have put your own life on hold for the sake of these children. Your b/f is their father and he must be the one who is putting their needs first and providing the primary care for his children, not letting or expecting you to be supermom. Sorry to sound harsh, but this father has found a way, through you, to get his children's, and thus his, needs met while putting out a minimum of effort himself.

If he tells you he doesn't want to get married any time soon and doesn't want to be committed, then, that is exactly the truth. He may not feel like you are the right one for him. He may not like to be pressure by you constantly bringing it up. But know, that when you ask him about marriage and he is saying no, what he means is he has no intentions whatsoever to marry you any time soon in the next several years. There. That's your answer. Now, go find you a man who will love you more than himself. One without kids. Happy hunting.