How to handle "perfect moms" - FamilyEducation
How to handle "perfect moms"
03/12/2009 at 04:37 AM

Hi all! I'm just wondering if any other ladies out there would like to share their suggestions on dealing with other mom's who look down on you (maybe not what they say, but how they act or don't act) because of your children's behaviors or actions.

Let me explain a little of my dilemna....
My oldest son is ADD and on the high end of the Autism spectrum. He is very bright, but also has those oppositional behaviors which can be tough to deal with. My youngest son has some PDD tendiencies as well and probably ADD, but not diagnosed. So my boys tend to pick at each other and tend to be quite oppostional.

My husband and I do correct our children and are getting help to deal with their behaviors. Anyways there are other mom's that I interact with ... bus stop, church, etc. that I feel judge me as a mom by my boy's behavior. Sometimes they don't talk to me, and sometimes I get looks, etc. I am so tired of these "perfect" moms and am wondering what you gals suggest to do.

I don't think it is any of their business my sons' diagnoses and don't want to share that with them. How do you guys respond or not respond to mom's like this and how do you pick yourselves up when these mom's act this way and you are feeling like crap? (and oh,telling them off wouldn't be good, because they are mom's I have to interact with)

Hoping for some suggestions! Thanks.


If your child's behavior is noticeably abnormal, you either have to educate the people you associate with regularly, or you have to put up with their dismay at his inappropriate behavior. If they were strangers or only occasionally interacted with him, I would agree that it is not their business. When they are faced with his behavior repeatedly, it is only fair to help them understand the situation.

This is a tough situation. Having worked for over 12 years in a community based intervention program with children with ADD and Autism spectrum disorders including PDD, it can be difficult for people to understand why children with these disorders are not behaving "normally". Since I am the only adult out at activities and functions with the child, people naturally think I am the Mom and they do seem to judge me by the child's behavior, which feels very unfair. A short explanation can be helpful, but then there are the people who will not want their children to associate with yours if you give too much info. And, you are right, it IS none of their business. You know you are a good mother, doing your best by your children. I have found it helpful to have the attitude: "don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes". Most of them would cave after a few yards! My own son (now 31) is ADHD and my daughter(now 25) has Social Anxiety Disorder so I also know firsthand how judgemental people can be. But, there were people who were not and accepted my children for what they were and are. All children have issues of some sort (just read the posts on here!!) and there are NO perfect children or parents. Congratulations on getting your children the help they need and enjoy them!!!

Thanks for your comments ladies. Yes, it is a very hard situation. Unfortunately I think some of these people I deal with would judge my children even more if I explained to them what their diagnoses were. It is really hard sometimes, because we see ourselves through our children. There are no magic wands out there. I think I just need to avoid these judgemental people the most I can and search out some new accepting people. I really hate when I am in places or situations where kids are compared. It is so hard. It helps to know that there are mom's out there in similar situations to me and are struggling, but making it and helping their kids be the best they can be. Only

Only, One of the very first topics I posted on this site was about this very same issue, so I totally know how you feel. I face the same problems every day. It's not bad enough that we have to deal w/ our children's disabilities. In addition, we have to face other people's reactions to us and our children. These people are far from "perfect". I find them ignorant. To be honest w/ you, there's no real solution. I thought that talking about my son's problems wld make people more understanding, but in my experience, it only gives them more to gossip about. And I know what you mean about feeling judged. There are kind people out there, so don't be too discouraged. I associate only w/ those who I know are caring, and I avoid those who are hurtful. You don't owe anyone anything. Just be a good person, and be the best mom you can be. As for social situations, do what you have to do for your kids' sake. If the situation is too hurtful and you can avoid it, do so. Just don't let these people interfere w/ your life. If you hear something being said, address it right away in a mature manner. You don't have to be rude, but I think you shld still say something. If someone doesn't want their kid associating w/ your kid, who needs them. Raise your kids to be kind, caring individuals, and teach them not to bother w/ or worry about what others think. Also, teach them to stand up for themselves when need be. W/ this knowledge, they will grow to be well liked and respected, and they will learn who their true friends really are. Hang in there.