single mom, difficult father - FamilyEducation
single mom, difficult father
08/08/2008 at 14:47 PM

I'm a single mom of a 3 year old daughter. i started dating almost a year ago. her father and i were never married and went thru nothing but drama issues, lies etc. he is in her life, i call him the babysitter, he picks her up 3-4 days a week only while i work. wont take her evening or weekends. i dont go thru court cause he owes me $ so i wait for him to pay me off and go from there. it was a bitter break up involving his other girlfriend that he still denies having etc.. anyway. he found out i was dating, mind you we have nothing between us but our little girl. i found a wonderful single dad. its going great, and he started staying over when he doesnt have his daughter. is that wrong? is it a bad infulance for my daughters sake? her dad seems to think so and gives me grief. and that's putting it nicely. parents split up all the time and have relationships and eventually sleep overs. we are exclusive and look forward to a future. i spoke to a lawyer and he said the father has no right to tell me what to do in my own house. my daughter is safe, no harm, and loves my boyfriend. so how do i deal w/ my ex? i try to ignore him..and i'm trying to be adult. i dont want to fight. especially in front of our daughter. but this is putting a wedge in my relationship w/ my boyfriend. besides the fact i have no social life. i work 2 jobs to support my daughter and i, i just want him to chill out, and be civil. and take his daughter even once a week overnight or one night on the weekend

Don't worry about it, you're doing the right thing I think. You're a very hard working mom and you should have the right to do whatever you want. Stay strong! :D

A single moom is difficult for father is the mother have a st of work 2 do win they have a baby some time some of mother have time 2 do wath they like 2 do but I have baby boy his name is michael i do not have time 2 do wath i like do os that life......................................

I think first and foremost, your daughter shld come first in all this. I think it's good that her bio dad is in her life, even though it's unfortunate that he's interfering w/ your relationship w/ your new BF. I think your daughter shld know that her dad is her dad and not just a babysitter. She has a right to know this, despite your negative feelings towards him. I also feel he has a responsibility to her as well. It's good that he takes care of his daughter some days, but if you guys can work out an arrangement around both your schedules (work and social), that wld be ideal. I don't know if your ex is under any legal obligations to supply financial support, but if he cld help out in that way too, it wld certainly make things a bit easier for you. As for your relationship w/ your current BF, I think you have every right to move on w/ your life and be happy. It sounds like this guy is good for both you and your daughter. Try not to let your ex get in the way of you two. The only connection he shld have w/ you is your daughter. You, in turn, shld show him the same respect in his relationship w/ his GF. That's none of your business either unless it directly affects your daughter. Make this all clear to your ex, and hopefully he will understand. On the wkends, maybe you can take turns. You all deserve to be happy for your sakes and the sake of your daughter. Good luck!

thanks for the input. i do talk to her and call her dad. the "babysitter" comment stays w/ me. i have tried to work w/ him and he is a constant battle for me. as if he doesnt want to see me happy, but yet he can enjoy every night and every weekend. it will come back to him. for now i try to be nice and be the adult. he's going to have to get w/ the program soon! i said i would never take his daughter away from him, but I cant force him to take her overnight either. i ask here and there for him to take her overnight and hope that he will. she does come first, but i also need to have some kind of social or time to myself.

I'm sorry your ex is being so difficult. You're doing the right thing. Is there a family member or friend or even a babysitter you can hire to help you out on the wkends? You deserve some time for yourself. What about your daughter's grandparents? Can they help?

Jolynn, I used to believe that my ex husband's absence and lack of responsibility would "come back to him" it never did. I worked every day and gave up almost all my personal time for years while he lived free of responsibility. They are grown now and he has a friendship with both of them. I always dreamed that when they grew up they would somehow recognize how he left it all to me and abandon us and then he would be sorry; that did not happen and of course that's a good thing for the boys not to hold resentment. The point is, it never came back to him. Take him to court and get ordered visitation and child support; if you don't, your a fool.

thanks for your response. i have hesitated to take him to court. he owes me $, and we have financial ties that i have been asking him to clear up so we dont have them anymore. once those were cleared i would take more action. he will never change and although i do my best to be patient and ignore him he does nothing but belitte me and tell him it's ruining our daughter morals and views. my daughter does come first. and i spend and do so much for her as any parent would. if i didnt think my relationship w/ my BF was going anywhere, this wouldnt even be an issue cause he wouldnt be around as much. all i want is her father to have some respect for me, and one night everyother weekend to take her overnight so i can have one night to myself. is that too much to ask? she will learn for herself and the hard way was a jerk her dad is

I understand what you are going through bec I too have been through the same thing but it is now 11 years that we are divorced. My advice to you is go to court get FULL custody, child support, establish days when he has to pick her up like every other weekend and then forget him. Don't try to co-parent bec he will feel like he can still tell you what to do. HEAR ME WELL, CUT ALL TIES WITH HIM and START YOUR LIFE OVER WITH THIS OTHER GUY. But DON'T TELL HIM ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS AS IT RELATES TO YOUR CHILDS FATHER. Personally, I go through hell every weekend when my ex picks my 15 year old twin boys. Even thou he is suppose to pick them up every other weekend, he insists on seeing them every weekend. He tells them terrible things about me which are not true. Thus my advice to you is move on, live your life you are young and life will only get better. I am 56 years old and feel tired bec of all the trauma, drama, & deceit. A friend once told me divorce is a living hell the person never goes away! Awilda

You know what - yes it's wrong PERIOD. I have full custody of my son who is 3.5 because his mother was JUST LIKE YOU. She has had, oh I don't know - about 5 boyfriends since he has been born, and she was going to marry every single one... they were all 'exclusive' as you put it... I realize you're not her, but this situation sounds eerily similar. You say you work two jobs already to support you and your daughter, and you also say that the father picks her up 3 or 4 days per week (but only when you work)... I did the same thing except my son's mother didn't work, she just didn't want him. If you work then you're depending on the father to watch her for you since you said he keeps her when you work. I did the same thing, which made it terrible for me to keep a job. My son's mother would call me all the time, on a whim, asking me to come and get my son. I never once said no because she didn't take care of him. She pawned him as a tool so she could have her weekends free like you claim you need so badly. This bullshit about "needing time to yourself" and how you have so much support here on this forum, only proves this site is ran by a bunch of women. The fact is - when you have kids you don't get time to yourself anymore. At least I don't. Your children come first - they are your first priority. Not a boyfriend. The father has every right to voice his opinions on this issue since it's his daughter too that's there when you have this man over. In my son's mother's case, the crib was in the same bedroom as where her and her boyfriends slept together. You think that didn't make me want to string her up on a pole somewhere? Because it did. Did I do that, no - because my son meant more to me than that. That's why I have custody of him now. It's been over a year - and guess what - his mother hasn't come to pick him up ONE TIME in over a year. She's went thru men like a roll of toilet paper. Sounds to me you want your freedom back... freedom to date around, etc. Is your daughter sleeping in the same room as you and the boyfriend? There are some truly pathetic people in this world with no moral values. Sounds to me like your daughter's father is a good guy. He's seeing his daughter, etc. He probably knows you better than you know yourself. And that's why it bothers you. That's why you asked if it's wrong - because he told you it was. You don't really care or you wouldn't be on the net asking strangers to validate your choice. You're not going to stop sleeping with this guy just because your ex wants you to. If your anything like my son's mother then I hope your daughter's father moves for full custody. Sounds to me like you've got other plans anyways.

In my opinion,you are doing the right thing.Do not let the ex pave the route for your life.As a single mother,i wish you the best of luck.

i am going thru the same things but omly difference is that i have three beautiful kids and the only advice i can give you is keep doing what you are doing dont worry about what you ex have to say he will regret it in long run couse you arent losing out on your daughters life and i also think that u should just not worry about the money he owes you but worry about the money YOU need to raise you child the way she needs to be raised. i hope my advice helps