I don't know if my fiancee loves my son. - FamilyEducation
I don't know if my fiancee loves my son.
11/22/2009 at 00:49 AM

I have known my fiancée for six years. We began living with each other three years ago. After six months of living together, I began to notice that my fiancee started to yell and pick on my son. At first I brushed it off because I just thought that he was stressed. It has gotten worse. It's to the point where my mother, his mother and my friends are confronting me about it.

My son is a normal Seven year old and he is very loving and affectionate. For the first four years of his life it was just him and I, then my fiancée came into the picture. It took him sometime but he adjusted well with my relationship and fiancée. He often comes to me upset because fiancée has yelled at him, ignored him, or is straight being mean.

Although, I try to talk to my fiancée about him being impatient and yelling all the time, I still feel like I am not making my son feel safe in our own home because of this. I don't think I am doing my duty as a mother. I am now six months pregnant with my second son and hoping for a change in my fiancée.

My fiancee will leave his items lying around the house, but will come and try to enforce and yell at my son about leaving a cereal box on the table. My son will come to him and try to hold a conversation with him, but my fiancée blows him off, he doesn't bond with him or take him to do any father-son activities. My son doesn't like to stay home alone with him because the fear of being yelled at. I constantly try to talk to my fiancée about the way he is acting and what he is doing but it just turns into an argument.

I don't want to leave him, but will because he doesn't want to get better. I love my son more than anything in this world and I hate to see him resent me for being with someone who doesn't love or appreciate his presence.

I need help! I want to feel comfortable in my home and want my son to feel the same way.

You are right, you son will resent you. Every child deserves to spend his childhood in a home where he is unconditionally loved and appreciated. You state you will leave your fiance "because he doesn't want to get better". From what you describe, to this point he has been unwilling to change his behavior. Have you given him an actual ultimatum about your expectations regarding your son? If so, do you have a plan for leaving and creating a better life for yourself, your son, and your unborn son? In 1955, my mother was a widow with 5 children and pregnant with me when she met and married my stepfather after knowing him for only a couple of months. At that time, there were very limited options for a pregnant widow with 5 young children. My father was much like the way you describe your fiance. My mother was so terrifed of losing him she tolerated his behavior. When my younger sister was born, she was the apple of his eye and was so favored by him that it made his treatment of us that much more obvious and painful to us. We did not feel loved or comfortable in our home. My mother did what she felt she had to do to at that time to keep our family together at a great cost to the 6 of us. Thank goodness we had each other and we survived but did not thrive. Your son does not have the advantage of having siblings with whom he will be able to commiserate as he grows up in the negative atmosphere your describe. My siblings all have a great deal of resentment toward my mother. My oldest sister passed away 5 years ago completely estranged from my mother. Three have very little to do with her, one is also completely estranged and I have limited contact. Only my younger sister remains close. About 6 years ago, when his health began to fail, I became closer to my father, who passed away 9/08. Because of my professional background and my realization that his entry into our family must have been very overwhelming to him, I put the effort into understanding his behavior during my childhood. After a few years he stated to me that he did not know how to be a father to his stepchildren and expressed regret for how he had treated us. It is important for you to make every effort to make your expectations clear to your fiance and family therapy may help. If he really does not want to change, then you must do what you have to do to provide your children with the childhood they deserve. Best of luck in this difficult situation.

Thank you for replying and all of your insight.

I am engaged to a man who is not the father of my 9 year old son. I was also raised by my step-father. What I have found, in many step-father situations, is that the step-father DOES NOT love the spouses child like his own. Your fiance will most likely never love your son the way he will his own. I just don't think MOST men have the ability to do that. However, he may grow to love him as his step-son and friend. I would advise you to first take a look at your relationship with your son. Do you "baby" your son? I personally have this protective mechanism that sparks to life any time I feel my son is being treated "unfairly"... I also think that there are some natural jealousy feeling that occur with a child that does not belong to the spouse. There are many things you can do as his mother to improve the siutation but you must be willing to keep quiet at times and also you must be determined not to give up. For example: if Your son and your fiance both left something out that should have been put away and your fiance tells your son to put his cereal box away; You should agree with your husband and say "son please put your box away when you are finished eating." This is a good lesson for your son and it is not unreasonable. Your husband on the other hand is grown. He is not a child and you should keep the situations seperate from each other. DO NOT COMPARE!!! If your husband's request is not reasonable (he makes your son clean everyone's mess) then you should speak with your husband in private and explain that he is not being reasonable. It is very hard to keep your composure when you feel your son is being "picked on" ... However, you must train your family memember how to treat each other, it takes time. Set expectation, have many conversations with your husband and ask yourself every time you get angry "is it reasonable what my husband is asking my son to do?" ... If the request is reasonable, then let it go. Your son will follow your lead as well... if you feel he is being picked on, he will think he is too. I would not suggest you leave your fiance, I would suggest you put all your heart, soul and intelligent thought into solving this sad situation. Ask yourself what YOU could do different as well. If you leave, you will be looking for a man to love not one of your sons but both of them. Counseling is a good option if you and your husband are willing. I think you can get through this without sacraficing your son. If you leave then your son will be going through something like a divorce and your new son will have a half time father. Do ALL you can to save your family. Good LUck!!

I think Tamz makes many good points. However, if you do leave, I would suggest that you stop looking for a man. If you are currently unable to provide for your children, get the training that you need to keep a good job. Devote your energies to providing for yourself and your children with the help of your extended family.

I agree with acitez 100% ... If you leave, "stop looking for a man." It would serve you and your children best if you devoted all your energy and time to your children. However, I also believe this is unrealistic for MANY women and I suspect if you leave you will find yourself longing for a man in your life. Some women can live happily alone (I did it for 14 years) However, if you leave and you find that you are looking to replace the father/husband figure, don't forget your likely to find similar problems to what you are experiencing right now.

Thank you all for your insight. Tamz...I like your advice and will try a lot of your suggestions. If I were to leave, I am not the type of woman to jump from one man to another, I would focus on myself and my children. I never been one to look for love, if it comes it comes! However, I am leaning towards trying to make it work. I love my fiancée and I know that he loves me. He say that he loves my son as well, but most times actions show differently. We both on stability and family life. Although, I feel I am much more mature than he is mentally, we both have a long way to go.

Actions speak louder than words.

First - I would like to say it's very dis hearting to find a post about your self. When trying to shop for X-Mas gifts for the same person I'm not suppose to love while trying to see what the love of my life has already looked at via internet history. Not sure if you all understand. There is a lot of adversity steaming from various issues that have not been mentioned. 1# My son to be's father doesn't like the fact that me and his X are together. And constantly provokes and slightly brain washes his son to believe he doesn't have to listen , respect, or even acknowledge me at all. This is something I have to break every other week after his visitation. **Please note I know this for a fact*** How you may ask? Me and him have had verbal arguments, where not only was I protecting my stepson's feeling (as he made him cry in front of his teammates), and the pride of my fiancée, as she was being called out of her name, and so on! I am a physically bigger and stronger man. But I took the high road and kept my FAMILY in mind . And just put them in the car and drove off. This has happened a couple of times now. But, as my soon to be better half can tell you. I will do anything and everything to protect my family. Key notes and questions: * Would his father continuously influence his son to say I'm mean and I yell at him. To possibly damage my household: YES: Does his dad drill him on all information about me and his mother:YES: Has his father actually asked her to leave me, so they can work things out:YES: So do I think his father play a strong roll in this:YES: Doesn't want to stay home with me: I wouldn't want to stay home either, if I knew I could get just about everything I wanted while out with my mom? We are not dealing with an average 7 year old. He's exstreamly smart and to be honest does the best possible job to mutilate him mother. He will say things like "i don't want to stay here because he's gonna yell" just so he can go. He will say my stomach hurts so he can stay up longer, or something is bothering him. And as cute as it sounds, and maybe at times it's not good that Mommy falls for it. Because she will actually start going in the medicine cabinet. I love her to death, but she is very easily taken advantage of when it comes to him. This is also done by him to change the mood or distract time away from me. He does have a jealously issues with anyone who comes close to his mother, especially me. If I give her a kiss when I come home, u better belive he's gonna do the same thing or try and sit closer to her. The sad part about all of this is.... He's the happiest when we are arguing or not talking to another. An it does frustrate me to know a 7 year old has this much control over a household I am a part of, and there is actually nothing I can do about it. Little more history: Until visitation with his father started there was never any problems! I had a loving son, who called me "dad", listened, showed respect, but now he's not allowed to call me that because of his fathers feelings. Once this visitation started that's when I became mean and he played this game of being afraid of me (even tho I have never showed any force towards him, no spankings or anything.) He started acting out in school, being very rude to me, his grandmother, other adults, and mother at times. Me being a man I'm not going to tolerate that in no way. If I hear his mother tell him to do something 3-5 times and it's still no being done: YES I'm going to yell. Yes! I'm going to tell him to go to his room, or to cut this game off. I do have a very deep loud voice that can be very forceful at times. Now, another key point is I have 3 other children. In which I treat them all the same. I don't play sides, and the son I have coming now, will also be treated the same way. I'm a father.... My job is to protect, love and discipline my little boys and girls. I have never displayed more love towards any of my child or in any way segregated him. If anything he gets more of my time than my biological children because I am around him more. Some one else above made a real valid point. Are my demands reasonable? In every way "YES". It bothers me when I come home from work and everything is thrown around the living room and kitchen table. I do say something about it, and before anything is done my Mommy comes to his defense and actually will do two or more things. Once I tell him to pick something up; he will smack his teeth, roll his eyes or do the infamous look over to his mother to see if he really has to do it, and she will allow him to wait until he's doing "WATCHING TV" or she will actually do it for him. That really gets under my skin or she will actually in front of the child say something to the effect "Well you left all your shoes at the door", basically comparing me to him. Or just basically give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the evening. -Now back to the loving part- I show love in a different way. I show it in preparing him to be a Man! Helping educate him, teaching, and guiding. Now, I do tell him I love when standing at the bus stop at 7:15 in the morning. But, I don't come in the house and give big hugs! To me he's to old for that. I do believe in personal space, meaning I'm not going to let a 7 year old boy sit on my lap while watching TV. I'm not going to give him a kiss before bed, but I do do a high 5 or a handshake and say good night. I do give praise when he do something good. I do help with homework, discipline, praying, and overall all production of his raising. But, just not in a way a mother would. To me that love, because I really care about the man he's going to become, and in every aspect I pray every night he becomes a better man than me. I guess I'm guilty for being the type of man I am, which is very similar to her father. But I know other way.