child sleeping with single parent - FamilyEducation
child sleeping with single parent
12/11/2007 at 11:38 AM

My boyfriend and I live 1,500 miles apart, adding to the distance issues in our relationship I have some concerns about his parenting style.  He allows his nine year old daughter to fall asleep in his bed and sleep there the entire night.  I feel he should take her into her room and let her sleep in her own bed.  I have known him for fourteen years, lived with him once for several years, I know there is nothing of a sexual nature in this, I know him very well and he is absolutley not that kind of man.  I do feel it is inappropriate for him to continue letting his daughter, who is now developing, to sleep in his bed.  Am I off base?

Love your idea, SnglDad!
cid
7103

It's odd that you mentioned that, SnglDad. I came across a posting somewhere on the internet that stated. It might be a good idea to let the son sleep on the floor beside our bed a few times. That way he understands that dad is with someone new and I am now a permanent fixture in his life. I was going to bring up this suggestion tonight. I want to be careful at not completely booting the child out because I do not want to be the target of resentment. But I also do not want to coddle his sons wants in fear of it. I have known their father for almost 20 years and them their whole lives. I am no stranger to them. So I hope the transition will go smoothly.
cid
7113

Not every parent has the best interest of the child in mind. Some parents can be very destructive even though they love their children. Sometimes the parent has their own interest in mind. I know an agoraphobic who cant go out and socialize so she isolates her child so she can have a friend. This 19 yr old "child" is not allowed out in her yard without Mom there and she is not allowed to visit with any other family members. She is not allowed to get an id as she may be able to leave if she has one. Is this in the best interest of the child? Oh and she is not allowed to learn to drive and not allowed to get a job.
cid
20585

I respect that most parents would do anything for their kids, however you must consider the negative effects that sleeping with parents would have on the kids and everyone involved. I would suggest that parents who let children sleep with them, give them the idea that they can also do that when they are older. When parent's (mostly single parents)let older children sleep with them, they must consider the message that they send to their children... Why do children want to sleep with their parents? Children are saying... "I need you for everything. I need you to get me dressed, to feed me, to take me places and to….sleep." The parent, by saying yes, says to the child, "That's right, you do. You can't do it alone. You will always need me to help you, even during the night. Twenty-four hours a day, I will be there." MOST IMPORTANTLY: Not only does it tend to PROMOTE AND PROLONG a child's EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY upon his parents, thus hindering independence, it can also STRAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! Happy parents have an easier time raising happy children! If you are in a relationship with someone and value that relationship, you must also remember that the time you spend ALONE in the bedroom is essential for you as a couple. Do not assume that the stepmom or stepdad is trying to tell you how to raise your child. I'm sure they understand the child's feelings to a point, but they must also realize that sometimes life is tough. You don't always get what you want and you must learn to share and consider the feelings of others. Quote: Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.-- Shari R. Barr You must understand that in order to have a healthy and caring relationship you need to express your feelings, good or bad. Just because someone doesn't share the same opinion on a certain parenting subject does not mean they are trying to control you or the child. If you care for your child and your significant other, you must put BOTH FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION and COMPRIMISE!
cid
22165

I found your posts while looking for answers on co-sleeping and wanted to let you know they were extremely helpful to me. My husband passed away and two of my children sleep with me on a regular basis. Your posts were very encouraging as I can see more clearly that this is something they need for their emotional well-being right now and they will be okay. Thank you for sharing your experience.
cid
25039

no i think he should take her to her room she is old and if that keeps happen it can go the wrong way she can start liken her father or any thing
cid
25050

no i think he should take her to her room she is old and if that keeps happen it can go the wrong way she can start liken her father or any thing
cid
25051

I know I am way late in my post, but I hope it at some point may help someone. My daughters grew up going from base to base, and had a mother that ran out on them at a very young age. They always slept in their own bed, or if they slept in mine, as soon as they were asleep, I was on the sofa or in a sleeping bag on the floor if they where sick or may have needed me later. My daughters are 16 now, and we are closer than any other parent child relationship I am familiar with. My children are A honor roll, they come to me for advise on everything, and they are always well behaved. The most I ever have to worry about is the twin girls bickering over things that I find to be silly. They help take care of their younger siblings, and are some of the most emotionally stable children. Bottom line, it isn't going to drive your child away if you refuse to sleep in the same bed with them. Besides, doesn't many states have laws against a parent and child sharing a bed after a certain age?
cid
26664

yes, you are offbase. it's his child. unless this is a violation of a certain law, you have no right to meddle.
cid
26927

I see nothing wrong with it. i think as long she want to let her. it there business no one elses
cid
27928

Hi to all, I would like your objective opinion on my personal situation. My boyfriend has a small 1 bdrm apt, So, his 15 yr old daughter comes to visit every other weekend. There's a futton (not sure it's spelled right) in the living room, but she doesn't like sleeping there, instead, she sleeps with my boyfriend on his queen size bed. I told him I didn't think that this was emotionally healthy for his daughter. I personally feel it's not appropriate. I know my boyfriend very well, there is absolutely nothing sexual about this behavior,he's an adoring father of 2, but I've read that it is not good for parent/child of the opposite sex to sleep in the same bed. Men sometimes have erections while they sleep, and that is something this young lady should not be exposed to at all !I"m a mom of a 24 yr old woman, and I would def. had a major problem, when she was 15 yrs old, if I would have found out she was sleeping in the same bed as her dad.
cid
28075

I think 15 is really too old for her to be sleeping in a parent's bed. She is nearly a woman and should have her own space. There may not be anything sexual on your boyfriend's mind, but I think maybe his daughter may have an unhealthy attitude if she wants to sleep with her dad. I may be wrong, but I would have been very uncomfortable if my daughter wanted to sleep in her father's bed at the age of 15.
cid
28076

I have a friend whose 18 y.o. daughter frequently shares her bed. Even though they are both women, I think it's weird, and so does the mom. She is 'helpless' to address the situation, she simply won't insist and make it stick. That's the part that I think is really unhealthy. Sometimes grownups just have to lay down the law and stick to it.
cid
28078

Single Dad: it's about 3 years later but I randomly just found this post. Are you still around? :o) I agree with you! I would also like to compliment you on your grammar & such- you are obviously an intelligent, well educated man. Reading your posts was both amusing and refreshing. Kudos to you; you sound like a great dad!
cid
28117

Being divorced for 4 years and my 9 year son Use to sleep in his own room I understand the concept Of insecurities of the child but at what point is it detrimental To the child with creating and cleaning his OWN space it might be Ok in other country's but it is the law in ous that they have there Separate rooms . I was forced to relocate so I could Have my children more than one day. Besides that I feel it is more The parents insecurities bleeding off on the children
cid
28265

I realize this is an old post, However... i have a similar problem... My daughter and i have just moved over 1,000 miles away from her father. She use to sleep in her own room, however since, has been sneaking into my room in the middle of the night and crawling into my bed. She is only three, and i understand she is going through a hard time. However, i'm afraid it will become a habit, and she will be wanting to sleep with me forever. ( which means i don't get sleep. ... cause she's a bed hog.lol.) any suggestions on making her feel more secure, without sleeping with me..?
cid
28788

I am so glad I am not alone in feeling like this is wrong. My boyfriend and I are on the verge of breaking up because of this exact issue:( I told him I should not be the one to sleep on the couch because his "developing" 9 yr old daughter sleeps in his bed with him. He lashes out at me for wanting to discuss it. He says that's his daughter and he'll do whatever it takes to make it easy on her and him. I asked him why am I the one who has to understand and accept all the time? Can you hear me and take what I'm saying seriously? A girl that age should NOT be sleeping with her dad OR mom. You people who say we are over reacting are so cluless! It's about setting boundries and teaching kids how to be independent. My mom didn't let me sleep in her bed, even at age 7. I told my bf that I will no longer sleep over until he and his daughter get this sleeping issue under control. I will no longer sleep on the sofa while my boyfriend sleeps in his bed with his daughter!
cid
29374

Well perhaps you should stay out of their lives permanently. If you can not agree on something as important and intrinsic as this then I fear you have no future together. I am not saying that your boyfriend is right but it is his daughter. You are just the girlfriend who is now coming between them. They have to sort it out themselves and good luck to them.
cid
29375

What came to mind is that when YOU sleep over and share his bed, you are displacing his little girl. She will resent you. And, it can lead to acting out, or uncomfortable questions. Men take the easy way in most parenting issues. I can see this becoming a habit without his thinking of the consequences. My daughters have occasionally climbed into bed with me and hubby, but we have given them their own cover and pillow. You can suggest that, but unless you are a parent yourself, be realistic. She's the lady in his life. Even though you are well intentioned and probably right... Unless you have plans to move in together, it makes sense he will view his kid as his business. If he wants advice-- which, really, do guys ever, lol-- he'll ask.
cid
29396

Hi, I have an 8year old daughter who has been living with me, my siblings and my mom. I was never in a relationship with her father,I was going through a lot at the time and he took advantage of me. I persuaded him for four years to come to terms that he is a father and he did come around just before her 4th birthday. Now I am married, he suddenly stopped paying her fees (which was his only financial commitment towards her)and he is demanding custody of our daughter. Whenever she went for holidays, she would usually stay with his mom as he is not yet married and lives alone. At this point I do not know if what I am doing is right by insisting on a family meeting discuss our daughter's welfare and visiting.
cid
30188

SnglDad... I agree wholeheartedly with you. Unless you know the individual circumstances about your child then those that are not privy to it should shut their mouths. Kids who have dealt with divorce have separate needs and those "together parents" have NO idea what those needs are.
cid
30377

Helpmeout, you are so judging right now insinuating sexual abuse. Get real, the Dad has put himself out there and shared his experience based on his parental situation. Why are you judging him? It is absurd.
cid
30378

At about age 12 and 13 my SD, still requested sleeping with her dad, I mean naked. She hit puberty at age 5, and she was already bragging her boobs are already bigger than my and she was only 10 at the time we got married. I grew up in a culture while same sex family co sleeping is not a big deal. I slept in same bed with my mom, but after I hit puberty I never felt comfortable even getting physically too close to my dad not even sit on his lap.
cid
30818

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