child sleeping with single parent
12/11/2007 at 11:38 AM

My boyfriend and I live 1,500 miles apart, adding to the distance issues in our relationship I have some concerns about his parenting style.  He allows his nine year old daughter to fall asleep in his bed and sleep there the entire night.  I feel he should take her into her room and let her sleep in her own bed.  I have known him for fourteen years, lived with him once for several years, I know there is nothing of a sexual nature in this, I know him very well and he is absolutley not that kind of man.  I do feel it is inappropriate for him to continue letting his daughter, who is now developing, to sleep in his bed.  Am I off base?

Love your idea, SnglDad!

cid
7103

It's odd that you mentioned that, SnglDad. I came across a posting somewhere on the internet that stated. It might be a good idea to let the son sleep on the floor beside our bed a few times. That way he understands that dad is with someone new and I am now a permanent fixture in his life. I was going to bring up this suggestion tonight. I want to be careful at not completely booting the child out because I do not want to be the target of resentment. But I also do not want to coddle his sons wants in fear of it. I have known their father for almost 20 years and them their whole lives. I am no stranger to them. So I hope the transition will go smoothly.

cid
7113

Not every parent has the best interest of the child in mind. Some parents can be very destructive even though they love their children. Sometimes the parent has their own interest in mind. I know an agoraphobic who cant go out and socialize so she isolates her child so she can have a friend. This 19 yr old "child" is not allowed out in her yard without Mom there and she is not allowed to visit with any other family members. She is not allowed to get an id as she may be able to leave if she has one. Is this in the best interest of the child? Oh and she is not allowed to learn to drive and not allowed to get a job.

cid
20585

I respect that most parents would do anything for their kids, however you must consider the negative effects that sleeping with parents would have on the kids and everyone involved.

I would suggest that parents who let children sleep with them, give them the idea that they can also do that when they are older. When parent's (mostly single parents)let older children sleep with them, they must consider the message that they send to their children...

Why do children want to sleep with their parents? Children are saying...

"I need you for everything. I need you to get me dressed, to feed me, to take me places and to….sleep."

The parent, by saying yes, says to the child,

"That's right, you do. You can't do it alone. You will always need me to help you, even during the night. Twenty-four hours a day, I will be there."

MOST IMPORTANTLY:
Not only does it tend to PROMOTE AND PROLONG a child's EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY upon his
parents, thus hindering independence, it can also STRAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! Happy parents have an easier time raising happy children!
If you are in a relationship with someone and value that relationship, you must also remember that the time you spend ALONE in the bedroom is essential for you as a couple. Do not assume that the stepmom or stepdad is trying to tell you how to raise your child. I'm sure they understand the child's feelings to a point, but they must also realize that sometimes life is tough. You don't always get what you want and you must learn to share and consider the feelings of others.

Quote:
Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.-- Shari R. Barr

You must understand that in order to have a healthy and caring relationship you need to express your feelings, good or bad. Just because someone doesn't share the same opinion on a certain parenting subject does not mean they are trying to control you or the child.

If you care for your child and your significant other, you must put BOTH FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION and COMPRIMISE!

cid
22165

I found your posts while looking for answers on co-sleeping and wanted to let you know they were extremely helpful to me. My husband passed away and two of my children sleep with me on a regular basis. Your posts were very encouraging as I can see more clearly that this is something they need for their emotional well-being right now and they will be okay. Thank you for sharing your experience.

cid
25039

no i think he should take her to her room she is old and if that keeps happen it can go the wrong way she can start liken her father or any thing

cid
25050

no i think he should take her to her room she is old and if that keeps happen it can go the wrong way she can start liken her father or any thing

cid
25051

I think 15 is really too old for her to be sleeping in a parent's bed. She is nearly a woman and should have her own space. There may not be anything sexual on your boyfriend's mind, but I think maybe his daughter may have an unhealthy attitude if she wants to sleep with her dad. I may be wrong, but I would have been very uncomfortable if my daughter wanted to sleep in her father's bed at the age of 15.

cid
28076

I have a friend whose 18 y.o. daughter frequently shares her bed. Even though they are both women, I think it's weird, and so does the mom. She is 'helpless' to address the situation, she simply won't insist and make it stick. That's the part that I think is really unhealthy. Sometimes grownups just have to lay down the law and stick to it.

cid
28078

Well perhaps you should stay out of their lives permanently. If you can not agree on something as important and intrinsic as this then I fear you have no future together. I am not saying that your boyfriend is right but it is his daughter. You are just the girlfriend who is now coming between them. They have to sort it out themselves and good luck to them.

cid
29375