just need advice - FamilyEducation
just need advice
01/25/2009 at 20:53 PM

I have a six year old daughter. I recently well six months ago moved in with my boyfriend of a year. He also has a now seven year old daughter and eight year old son. Things were ok for a while. Now the kids dont get along they are always fighting and his children are not doing well in school. they say it is something at home. we have tried everything and some things work for a while but it just gets worse. Let me go into it a little. my daughter has never had to share things before and now she does before this i was a single mother bascailly all her life and i admit i have spoiled her. she is a very big drama queen as i call it. she crys over everything and is always trying to get the others in trouble any way she can. the girls are together all days long because we have a very small school they only have one first grade class. also my daughter still sees her biological father every weekend his childrens mom walked out on them and they only see her maybe once every three months maybe. she call every once in a while. i understant sibblings will fight but when it involves not doing well in school i am worried any advice would be greatly appricated

Moving and/or moving in and creating a new family is a huge transition and difficult adjustment for any child. It is natural for your daughter to have difficulty sharing her mother with 2 other children and a new father figure. It is good that you are a realist about your daughter's issues. This transition will take time for your daughter to look at these 2 children as her siblings. At this point she is probably looking at them all as just 3 people who are taking her mother's time and preventing her from being the center of attention. She is trying to get your attention any way she can at this point. Go to the school and ask for help for the children. Your daughter needs to have the opportunity to voice her fears and learn not to internalize them in negative ways such as you have stated. Find ways to let her know that it is safe to do so. Spend time with her one on one when you can. Reassure her she is special and you will always love her. Good luck!

i thank you for the advice. One thing though if i spend one on one time with my daughter the other two seem to get jelouse and they end up picking on her to get a reaction out of her and my boyfriend thinks i am babying her too much am i and what exactley do you mean by help for the children

See if the school has a social worker or other person who could talk to all the children one on one. If not, maybe at church or one of your local social services agencies would have someone who could help sort this out. Your b/f needs to realize your daughter has just made a huge transition and it will take time for her to adjust. The other children do not have their mother at all and are going to be jealous that your daughter has hers all the time. I understand this is a touchy situation. I speak from experience having been through a similar situation 20 years ago.

i wanted to ask how did your situation work out. I want to know is ther still hope the biggest thing we were worried about was the kids and how this was all afecting them. They dont seem like they want to be around eachother anymore sometimes and then when we talk to them about it they say that they want us all to be a faimly.

Spend one-on-one time with each of the girls. Your husband could do that, too. That would help them all to feel like "We are a family."

Every situation is different and yes, there is hope. In my case, it did not work out because there was a mentally ill bio-mom to contend with. She was constantly in the picture and wrecked havoc on us all, with the children being the losers all around. All the children said they wanted to be a family also, but there was always such chaos that it was impossible. We hung in there for 8 years, over $20,000 of legal debt, and more heartache than anyone should have to endure. Our family sadly ended in divorce because we did not set boundaries at the start and were not a united front. Yours can have a happier ending if you both are willing and committed. Your situation seems to be different in that at this point the bio-mom is seldom in the picture. Keep in mind that can change at any moment and the roller coaster ride can start. Be proactive and not reactive. Make a plan for your blended family with your b/f. Include the children in the plan as you see fit. You and your b/f jointly make and enforce the rules in the home. Do not let the children run things and believe me, they will try. It will be more complicated as they get older. A year ago I remarried for the 2nd time and my husband and I set up boundaries and rules from the start. My son and his older son are grown which helps. My 24 y/o daughter lives with us (she is a delight) and his 2 sons live with their very controlling and issue-filed mother and are with us every weekend. Soon after we married, the boys tried to manipulate us into letting them come live with us, but we stuck to the plan and are all the better for it. I wish I had the insight 22 years ago that has come with such a high price but have a successful blended family and marriage now.

talk everything out with her

You moved in too soon. Why would you move in with a man who won't commit to you or your daughter? You need to get out of there. If you need to move in with someone move in with your parents or your daughters father or his parents. Your daughter is not in love with this man or his daughters you are. She should not be forced to play house and maybe there is something else going on that you don't know about. Go seek out a family counselor.

I agree. Maybe the children just aren't ready for this kind of commitment yet, even though you and your BF are. Spend lots of time w/ the kids individually and together. Ease them into everything b/c this is a huge adjustment for everyone. Let them build their relationships slowly, don't expect things to just fall into place right away. Talk w/ each of them about their feelings, and be understanding. Hopefully in time things will get easier.

re: they say it is something at home. >> Absolutely true. Now it's the parents DUTY to do whatever it takes to HELP their kids and fix whatever is wrong at home that is messing up the kid's life. get into parenting classes, go for counseling - anything!