20 yrs old at high school graduation - FamilyEducation
20 yrs old at high school graduation
06/15/2007 at 14:27 PM

My son did not pass his 3rd grade prof test.  Now we are being told that he is going to pass to the 4th grade. We have already held him back in K which was the right thing to do then. He has a younger brother who is going on to the 3rd grade.  I do not know what to do I can't have 2 kids in the same grade. I asked both of them if they would have a problem with that, both are ok just I am not.  I do not know where to turn, anyone have any advice?

If they are both ok with it, just let them be ok with it. I know it's hard because you worry about other people judging your son, and you worry about his feelings, but there's no need for it to be a problem. If your son wants to get ahead in the future you can work with him in the summer and perhaps do homeschool for a year to catch up, but if he doesn't want to I wouldn't push it. He doesn't have to graduate at 18 just because a lot of people do. We had a 20 year old graduate in my class, and we all just thought he was a great guy. It might be really fun for your boys to be in the same grade. They'll get to hang out at recess and eat lunch together and learn the same things. Just take a deep breath and decide that what other people think doesn't matter. 


Jothegrill, where can I get a pair of those rose colored glasses? Taking a deep breath and deciding what other people think just doesnt matter is great if you are an adult with life knowledge, and an ability to be secure within your self. Most adults dont posess this ability, how can a child be expected to?

  To the poster, I would speak with the school to see what I could do over the summer to catch your son up. As a child I did summer school in order to pass. I was held back a year and was always questioned about my age in school. To pretend it doesnt matter is to close your eyes to something that can eventually cause your son some problems with self esteem. His peer group will be two years ahead of him. To have a younger brother that is in the same grade will make him feel like the odd man out. Nothing will build his self esteem like having him work to get caught up. I would contact the school district in your area and ask what they would advise.


  As a parent it is our job to worry. To worry means we care about something, or someone. Show me a teenager that doesnt care what his/her friends say. I'm not sure one exists. The early teens are when we start to break away from family, and friends become very important. At his current age your son cannot realize how this will affect him in the future. You would be doing your son a great service to get him caught up and with the rest of his peers. Good luck to you, and your son's.


Sngldad, jwesh already talked to their son, and he isn't bothered by it. He will have a new peer group, which will include his brother. My brother is behind in school, he's 16 now, and has good friends in his grade which are younger than him. He's not having self-esteem issues because the people who do love and care about him do so without demanding that he fit into a mold. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being behind in school. It may be very beneficial to the posters child to let him take things on when he is ready for it. My advice about taking a deep breath was for the parent to decide that it didn't matter that some other parents would say that they needed to force their child to catch up to other kids his age, and saying that he would be the "odd man out." It just isn't true. If he wants to get caught up, they should work together toward that goal, but if he's fine with where he is, the parents need to be fine with it too. It shows respect, love, and acceptance. Forcing him to catch up if he really isn't ready for it may cause frustration, pain, and very strained family relationships. 

Jwesch, it's your call, but don't let yourself get bullied into doing something you'll regret. Love your son. You are welcome to ignore anything I say because I am not important in your life, but listen to your son because HE IS!


 Kids are fine with food all over their clothes and eating candy for breakfast. If we just went by what our kids think is fine, we wouldnt be doing our job as parents. We, as parents, are our childrens guides to this world. We need to instil in them "qualities" they will hopefully have long after we are gone. To allow a child (who does not know the importance, or role, a good education will have on his adult life) to make such an important decision about his education is not fair to the child. There is no way that child is making that decision with all the facts anyone would need to make such a decision. It is not up to a child to make such decisions, that is a parents job to do.

  When I pick my kids up from daycare we get home I start dinner and the first thing on our agenda is to sit and do homework. There is nothing more important, not TV, or video games. I require their homework to be neat. I sit with them and help them, this is my way of showing them how important I believe it is.

 As parents we love and accept our children with no limits or conditions, but the rest of the world does not. Thats why we as parents need to never let ourselves or our children settle for less than what they deserve. Your son deserves an education, he deserves to graduate with people his own age, and he deserves a mother that will not allow him to settle for less just because he said it was "ok".

  Mom, you already know what you need to do,  I dont think you came here for advice I think you came here to see if this is a common thing. It sounds like where Jothegrill lives it might be. Dont go for this "modern age" just"love them and everything will be alright" attitude. It is not practical in the real world.  Jothegrill, I believe that your advice is sincere, but I read where you have two kids that are 1 1/2 and 3. They are not even in school yet. I have two boys in school, and I cannot imagine my oldest being back two years with his brother. My oldest does not play with his younger brothers friends because they have different interests for their ages. I could go on and on about this but I will stop now. You are welcome to ignore anything I say because I am not important in your life, but do what is right for your son because HE IS.


You're right, I do not have children in school, I have siblings in school: elementary school, high school, and college. They share their experiences with me from their own perspective, (as things really are for them now and not me guessing what the future would be like for them if...) Sorry to hash this out on your thread Jwesch, but this is the type of opinion you will run into.
I agree with you on many of your points Sngldad. I agree that getting an education is important, and I applaud the involvement you have with your children concerning their education. There are many qualities which we should instill in our children, just like you said.
Jwesch and I share an experience which you do not share, and my advice is specific to this situation. Someone we love was held back in school. We were both concerned for that individual. I'm just saying that I've seen it turn out just fine. My brother is doing well in school and has friends, a job, and a healthy opinion of himself. People may say unkind things about him and insult his intelligence because he is graduating with people who are younger than he is, but most people are more tactful than that, and he knows he's a smart kid who is capable and loved. He has accepted the fact that he was ready for things a little later than other people his age and he is still ok with it. 


Jothegrill is right. There is no need to try and change what life hands you. Complacency is a value in its self. We should just accept what we get from life and never try and work to change it. The values that my father instilled in me such as , drive, determination, self respect, and a healthy work ethic are more of a burden than they are worth. Take for instance my sons homework. When my son finishes his homework and I look at it, even if it is all done correct, but the penmanship is sloppy I have him write it over. What a burden I have put on my son. Why should I , as a father, expect my son to always do his best? How unfair. I should just love him and hope that someday when he fills out a job application that it will be legible. Most employers don’t look for that stuff anyway.


I'm ringing in on this a little late, but seems you started a tif between two current opinions rather than having someone step outside themselves to help you.


If your children are close, and have family support- then why would it matter that they were in the same grade?


Is it fair to push a child that may not actually have the capacity to learn as quickly as others, or retain information into studying more and maybe alienating him rather than supporting him? No, it is not.


After reading the responses from someone who sounded very much like my own father- it KILLS me to see that we as a society still aren't learning that there are such things as delayed development or learning disabilities- that may not be such a HUGE social thing, but could be academic death. You know your child better than anyone on this forum, you know at what level he is socially and honestly what he is capable of academically.


If he didn't pass his third grade, and the pattern hasn't changed for his fourth grade prof test- then why push him to go forward? Take a deep breath, read over the replies and then ditch them- Your son is what is important, not someones opinion of the modern age of 'love them and everything will be ok'... Truth is, we find support in love and if he needs a little support and a little push, at least he's being pushed forward with love- Just be sure your decision is based on how your oldest son learns- and not what other people think is odd or funny.


Oh, and forget about him being 20 years old at graduation, he may be slow to start- and when he is old enough may choose to take extra courses to elevate his position. My sis was school focused and brilliant and died before she graduated high school, decide what is best for him today and give him the support  that both his person and confidence level need! :D