Teen Girls and "Girl Drama" - FamilyEducation
Teen Girls and "Girl Drama"
05/23/2009 at 07:58 AM

My daughter is just finishing her sophomore year at a large public high school. When she started freshman year we were new to town and to public school. It has been a wonderful experience for her and she seems to have friends. It seems that each semester her close friends change and I'm guessing this is due to the fact that there are new classes and lunch periods, etc.. There have been two girls that have remained friends all along. They are in the same grade, but a few months older which means they have driven first, etc... They all have women's chorus first block. All of a sudden these two girls started having conversations and excluding my daughter. They would push by her and ignore her and walk to class together. They would sit in chorus with a group of girls and then all look up to where my daughter sits and laugh. I know things really bothered my daughter. I suggested that she talk to them indivually outside of school to see if she could figure out what was going on. The girls wouldn't answer her calls so she text one of them and asked them if she had done something wrong. The girl text back and said no, but she had really been stressed and busy. The other girl seemed to be closer with my daughter. We took her on vacation with us last year. She never answered my daughters texts. After several months of dealing with this behavior my daughter tried one more time to talk with them. She has to deal with chorus every morning and it is just unbearable. The first girl text her back and said that she really hadn't said or done anything, she was just tired or trying and didnt want her as a friend anymore. My child was so hurt. She has never dealt with situations like this before. The "mom" in me wants to talk to the girls parents (but I won't). I just want to "fix" things but I know I can't. What do I do as a parent? It seems childish of me to "take sides" and talk about them with my child. I've talked with the chorus teacher. She told me that she sees what is going on, but can't do anything about the situation. This week seemed to be the final straw as far as I'm concerned. My daughter has been dating a boy from the rival high school who is on the soccer team and been playing for a state championship. She goes to all of his games and Tuesday night the final game for a playoff berth went to overtime and finished very late. They won and the team celebrated by going out to the local mexican restaurant. My daughter was invited by her boyfriend to go and eat with the team. There were other girlfriends there as well. My daughter came home and said that the two girls were sitting outside the restaurant in their vehicle and they went up to one of the soccer guys when the team came out. I don't think they saw her. The next morning in chorus they were talking about eating with the rival soccer team, all the guys hitting on them, etc... just a bunch of lies according to my child who was there. My daughter's boyfriend told her that the girls told the guy to tell him he should break up with my daughter. This just seems crazy. Is it normal high school antics and we have just avoided it until now. How can I best suppport my child?

There are lots of fish in the sea. People change. Loyalty is important, but it goes both ways. If either of these girls makes an effort to be friends again, your daughter needs to be open to giving them a chance, but it is time to move on. If she is in a large high school, there are plenty of other people she can connect with. The boyfriend and/or his buddy, well, what was he trying to accomplish by reporting (or possibly inventing) the girls' conversation? Perhaps he was trying to help her understand that the friendship is not worth pursuing, but maybe he enjoys the drama. This is a learning experience for your daughter, and quite valuable. Help her explore what kind of friends she wants to have, and what kind of friend she wants to be. Her own character is the focus of the discussion, not what slime balls other people can be.

Very true and good advice. My daughter went through a similar situation when school started in 10th grade. One of the girls in the group had gained a lot of weight and developed acne over the summer. This unhappy girl convinced the rest of the girls not to associate with my daughter because she was "too pretty and well built and attracted too much of the guys attention". My daughter was heartbroken and suffered emotionally over being shunned by this group of former best friends which was part of why we chose to home school for the remainder of high school. Acitez's last paragraph is too true. My now 25 y/o daughter did learn a valuable lesson which has served her well into adulthood.

Sometimes those people you consider friends, turn out to not be true friends after all. Friends will come and go, but true friends will always stick by you. These girls are obviously not true friends. Tell your daughter to forget about them, and encourage her to move on. There are sincere people out there. You're daughter just needs to find them. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice! I know I have been too close to the situation to trust my judgment. As adults we know that friends come and go, and honestly, these are not the type of people I want in her life. School ended yesterday so I am hoping that over the summer things will improve. I just want her to be strong enough to say that it doesn't matter that these girls are not in her life. One of the girls approached her on Monday and told her that they felt bad that they had been excluding her and that everyone was meeting the next morning at IHOP for an end of school celebration. She thanked the girl for inviting her but told her that she probably was going to stay home and study for a final she had later that day. The next morning the girl text her and asked her where she was....they wanted her to come to IHOP. My daughter didn't go, but when she got to school she found out that it was a joke. All of the girls had gone to eat somewhere else. So childish! It makes me furious. Again, thanks for the advice. She is going to be very busy this summer and hopefully she will move past this.

Im around her age myself and drama effected me when i was younger and still does! Girls are always like that. They think that in order to be consifered a "cool girl" they have to be rude to other girls. My best advice for her is to just ignore it, cause they are jealous of what she has. If she ignores it for long enough they will stop. I have had to do it many times it works, TRUST ME! Tell her I said goodluck!(:

At some point or another, we have all experienced what it feels like to be unaccepted. Whether it was in school, sports, or common interest, finding an environment where we are guaranteed total peer acceptance is impossible. Joining a group does not always insure that the people around you will respect you, appreciate you, or even want to get to know you before they make their judgments. Factors such as race, religion, and culture can sometimes impact this as well, causing for another person to immediately assume you possess certain qualities that they like. However, what most of us do not realize is the benefit of being alienated. When someone chooses to disregard you for whatever reason, they have given you the power to decide whether or not this person is worth keeping in

your life. You have the choice to either continue trying to impress them or realize that those qualities that make you ‘weird’ or ‘different’ are actually what make you invaluable. Being unique enables you to formulate ideas and opinions unlike those of the people around you. Being unaccepted can ultimately be beneficial and show you what kind of people you prefer to have around you and what makes you unique. -Katlin Sweeney, Eighteen Year Old Author of 'The Bench Sitter'