teen daughter dumped - I am the one more depressed! - FamilyEducation
teen daughter dumped - I am the one more depressed!
04/30/2010 at 05:55 AM

So glad I found this forum as I have been thinking about counseling or something. I know my reaction to my daughter's recent situation is not normal. I just need to talk, vent, get advice from someone!!

My daughter is almost 17. She has had one boyfriend her entire life - none of the little elementary school romance, no hand holding - nothing at all until the end of her freshman year and she started dating a boy one year older who I thought was a nice young man. He treated her so well, they were devoted to each other and spent as much time together as we allowed (not that much - once during the week, once on weekends). This relationship lasted until January - so over one and a half years. He broke up with her in January to the shock of us all. We then find out he was having a "thing" with some 14 year old girl who had been chasing him. After 5 weeks of no talking and my daughter finally moving on and trying to live without him, he returned but only partially. He wanted her but he wanted others also. He said he was going to college in the fall so didn't want a girlfriend but he still wanted her 100% in love with him. She was fine with that - her father and I were furious with her lack of self respect - the fact that she would take whatever little amount of time he offered her while he continued to be with other girls frequently and she stayed loyal only to him. Anyway, the issue is not really this relationship which now finally seems to have ended - but my reaction to it!

I am obsessed with what he is doing to her. I snoop on her cell phone every day while she is in the shower to know what is going on. I check out his facebook. I talk to anyone who might have info on what he is doing. I can't sleep, can't eat - I feel a huge depression because of my daughter's sadness and how he has devastated her. My reaction to this is not normal. I cry a lot - seemingly out of the blue.

I am wondering if I am just menopausal, is depression setting in, is something more going on with me and this is just the trigger? It just has affected me more than a regular teenage relationship/break-up should and I do not understand it. I feel like I am ruining my relationship with my daughter by forcing my views on her about this boy. I need help and advice on how I deal with my reaction to her pain and sadness. It is not normal to be so involved and to feel so hurt myself because a boy dumped my daughter.

Has anyone else been here? Do you have any advice? Should I see a doctor or therapist? I can't seem to let it go. She is dealing with it better than I am!!

It never hurts to see someone. At the very least you have someone you can vent to who is paid to listen! Seems like you need some guidance on how to process and sort out your feelings and emotions. A good therapist could help you to understand your feelings and cope better. Of course, menopause could have something to do with it too. You sound very overwhelmed. It is good that you are recognizing it. I think a lot of parents get very wrapped up in the lives of their children. Try to force yourself to stop obsessing. When she is in the shower, leave the house for a few minutes to remove the temptation of looking at her phone. I know it is obvious, but maybe just keeping yourself busy with a hobby, exercise, reading, etc. could help. It is important to talk to your daughter about self-esteem. I guess at a point, it can be too much though. Good luck, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I do think it will get better with time.
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20581

Very similar situation! Only boyfriend, great kid. Recently broke up (my daughter did it after she discovered he had not told her of a visit by a girl to his home)and got back together. They are going to separate colleges this fall; she wants to spend every waking moment with him. He tells her he loves her but can't really make time to see her (he plays summer baseball). They text a lot, and she says they're fine, but I am suspicious he's being mean to her, avoiding her. I do the same things you do, constantly checking FB, etc., and I am obsessed. I am worried about this other girl. What is wrong with me?
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22611

Back off and let your daughter live her life. She needs to learn from her own experiences and if she does get hurt that is just part of life. It is natural for you to be concerned but not obsessed or for you to check up on her as you state you are doing. Leave the situation alone and let things take their course without any more involvement from you.
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22613

WOW! I totally can relate to you and the more recent post. I am going through the exact same thing. Daughter is very tall but beautiful and was a very late bloomer when it came to dating. So last summer when at almost 17 her first dating experience happened I was up and down worse than her. Since they worked together he decided they should just be friends. I was upset and dwelling worse than her although she was bad... Since that time she was desperate for a relationship. The first boyfriend finally came in January and ended in June after 5 months. She ws hysterical but secretly I was moring too. But during those 5 months I was a Facebook and textng stalker to see if it was going okay. When she seemed down I had to kow why. I was and still am obssessed. As i figure out her friends cell numbers I write them down and go own our cell providors web site to see who she is texting. Not to check up on her ut more to make sure she is happy and whoever she likes is keeping in touch. If feel like I am living her life. It sounds so bad as I am an intelligent 44 year old with an awesome husband, job and two girls. I do not even owrry about the 14 year old BIZZARE. Does she remnd me of myself?? Do I have issues from dating? Can not think of any.. I have been om medciation - is not working. Have talked to counselors - no help. I know the answer is to stop FB and checking texts but it is like an addiction. IT IS KILLING ME. Would love to talk more to you both. She goes to college in 25 days that may save me actually.
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24045

hi guys,im a 44 year old man!(hope thats ok)From reading your posts i believe all of these responses are genuine,heartfelt and sincere,all a product of a caring,loving woman,(wemon),wanting the best for their child.I would probably only be concerned at privacy issues,this may do more harm than good,(if you get caught).Try to examine what it is you actually expect to learn from snooping. What information is going to be helpful, How will you use it?, what sorts of advice will your child benefit from if you did have this information?. Above all it is of vital importance that you respect your childrens right to privacy and confidentiality.(this is a basic human right),once again i think you are caring individuals,try not to become obsessed,this is a disease which could bring far reaching implications,worse than the one you initially were concerned about(do no harm).and make sure your children have a positive role model from which to learn.
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24241

Wow! What a difference a few months makes!! We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and have come out the other side! I think having never gone through this before made it so much more difficult. If I had other kids, I would know this is just a normal part of growing up. Now I realize that everything has an end, no matter how horrible it is at the time. My daughter is so much better. I really think she doesnt't care a bit about the jerk. I no longer try to sneak her phone (yes, I got caught!. Life is good and we'll all be fine.
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24282

It is good to hear from you! Your story makes me think of a saying--don't know who said it. "If you're going through h*ll, just keep going!"
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24283

I am having the same problem . Everytime my 16 year old daughter gets dumped, I feel like I am getting dumped. This current relationship was perfect for her. He wrote her little love notes on Facebook and everything. Once school started, he dumped her. His excuse was his feelings for her have changed. She is fine about the situation, but I am a wreck. I do this with all her boyfriends. Yes, am a Facebook stalker always checking her site and messages and with her boyfriends site. What is up with me? Glad to hear I am not the only one with this obsession. Any comments? I am also trying to pick her for information about it and now I am driving her crazy.
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24391

I think that there are a couple of things happening here. One is, teenagers are getting into relationships when THEY are too young. Kids this age are more loyal to their soft-drink brand than they are to their romantic interests, and that is exactly right. Teenagers need to mature before they get into relationships. Dating before age 16 is a predictor of teenage pregnancy and other problems. The other is, parents are too caught up in their children's lives. The ultimate success of good parents is that we make ourselves irrelevant. We need to be prepared for our children to fail at many things: school, jobs, relationships, . . .. If they can experience these things as adolescents they will be more emotionally robust as adults--unless we interfere with the process. Guidance is a great idea. Scaffolding is crippling. Parents, model emotional resilience. If it is too hard, get counseling for yourself. That there are many people with the problem does not mean it's OK, just that it is common.
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24393

Thanks for the Insight and the advice!
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24395

I too seem to be obsessed with my 18yr old daughter's lovelife. She had been texting a 21yr old marine (also family friend)for months he had told her he loved her and then when he was coming home on leave, he told her that he could not get his old girlfriend off his mind even though they could not get along, so they broke up and then he left for deployment. I know this boy and like him alot and was very devistated over the break-up. My daughter was very depressed and felt betrayed. For some reason I could not stop thinking about the breakup and would also go on FB and see what he was up to. I would also contact him to make sure he was ok. He had alot of emotional issues. My daughter and him reconnected 4 months ago when finally his ex said she didnt love him. They texted constantly and he asked her to marry him and have his children etc. He was very sorry for what happen before and he seemed like everything was great. He came back on 10 day leave before deploying to Afghan. They seemed to be getting along great. Of course they were still getting to know each other. But towards the end he said he was being smothered by us. I too don't know why I am getting so wrapped up in this. I try hard to not think about it but it keeps popping in my head. I'm glad I;m not the only one feeling this way because I have always felt I was a good mother and I don't want to be controlling.
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24444

The more and more I think about a lot of posts on here, I come to realize that we just know to much about EVERYONE! Peoples thoughts, comments, photos and entire lives are played out for everyone to see in texts, Facebook, etc... When we were young (I am in my 40's), the phone and notes were our ways to communicate with boyfriends and girlfriends. Parents could listen in on phone calls or find notes, but we all know how good we were at hiding things. Parents could not go online and see a phone record of who we were calling. No caller ID. No FB pictures and comments to read into. Our secret notes were hidden. It makes us nuts to know that we can now know everything our kids do and we use every resource we can to check on them. Makes us good parents? Yeah. Makes us crazy? Yeah. I am trying my best to stop (I am an abuser of checking phone records and FB) since at the current time my kids are happy, healthy and getting great grades. When things get out of control, our family will go back to the 1980's and the kids will not have their phones, Ipod and computer for a while. I have never had to even think about that with my teenagers. Keepin' my fingers crossed. Maybe us parents need a time out from computers when we start creepin' so much on our kids! Especially when they are happy with their lives!
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24765

well i must say, you do seem to be very involved emotionally in your daughters first relationship,of which of course there will be others..for she is only young. you talk of her 'trying to live without'him, which seems very intense for a first love..Maybe you yourself feel betrayed by this boy, because you must have grown somewhat close to him over the last year and a half, which i can understand..But maybe it goes a bit further in that you may have been re-living your youth in some way through your daughter, and maybe a metaphor for something you yourself feel you have lost.You seem very aware that your reaction is maybe a bit irrational and that council ling is a good idea...I haven't been through a similar situation yet as my children are still young but i wish you lots of luck anyway x
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24859

Wow! I am so glad to know that I am not the only Mom going through this. I feel like I am abnormal and a stalker. Yet, I can't stop. I too check his facebook and both of their phones when they leave them lying around. When I find out he is texting another girl, it hurts me terribly. He has broken trust, so there are issues there. They had been going out for over a year and things were perfect until one day everything just changed. He changed and broke up with her and it devasted both of us. He sowed some wild oats and then wanted her back. He had become part of our family. We were close and I thought of him as a son.More below.
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28635

I found the reply about having too much access to our kids lives to be so true! It's there and no matter how hard I try, I can't not look! It's crazy. I second guess every decsion that he makes. Every post. Every like on FB. Even if he changes his profile picture to just himself, I question why. I have access to his phone records and I check them daily to make sure he's not talking or texting another girl and when he does, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't eat and I can't sleep. My daughter and I are very close and she will talk to me about her feelings, but if I say that she doesn't deserve to be treated like he is treating her, she gets mad at me and I instantly become the bad guy. More below.
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28636

I like what syzefree333 commented. It's the hard truth. Maybe I am reliving past hurts and distrusts from my own experience. I just dont know how to stop from feeling this. It's real and it's painful :( Reading these posts has helped me. I know that I am not alone. I know everything will work out in the end, but I feel so "wrong" for feeling so obssessed with my daughters relationship and like I said, even though I know I am in way too deep, the feelings and pain are there. I am unable to make them go away.
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28637

I wish I could tell you how relieving it is to find this forum. Everything these ladies are saying reminds me of myself. It looks to me like the common denominator, just from reading this, is that we are all moms that have very close and connected relationships with our daughters. I have three daughters, and there is only one that I am this way towards. The other two I do not obsess over. I still care about them and are concerned, but not in the obsessive way. (more below)
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28751

This may not make you feel much better, but these feelings started when my daughter started dating, or liking, a boy in 9th grade. They were boyfriend/girlfriend for six months. The whole time I was a complete mess. This whole behavior and reaction to her dating life has continued even though she's in college now. When she starts liking someone and I know they are entering into a relationship, I start checking them out on fb and checking phone records. I constantly text and call her and say "how are you doing?" just to get her to respond with how things are going with the guy. If she says he hasn't texted her all day, I freak out and it ruins my day! I am just lucky she doesn't have boyfriends very often. (more below)
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28752

What do I do? Have any of you found actual solutions that work? Saying to quit checking computers and phone records is like saying put a glass of whiskey right in front of an alcoholic and leave it there all day and expect them not to drink. It's not going to happen! I do know I need help, though. I don't know that I can handle this for the next ??? years...and then I wonder what will happen when she's married and having a little trouble in her marriage!
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28753

I thought I was the only one experiencing these kinds of feelings!! I can completely relate to what you are going through. My daughter has been in three relationships, and I feel stressed out the whole time she is in them. I worry and want to read her text and email messages. It is strange because I feel like I'm experiencing the emotions of the relationship, when it's not my relationship! If he doesn't text I feel sad and rejected! I think and worry about the relationship constantly. I keep thinking it will get better each time she has a new boyfriend, but it doesn't.
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28849

Oh My! I am so very glad you posted this. My daughter will soon be 17 and we are experiencing the EXACT same thing, with one exception.... the boy is not cheating on her and expresses no interest in any other girl. He, too, has told her that he loves her, and wants her to be there AFTER he has finished college. I believe she is too young to pin all her hopes and dreams on this boy. He says all the right things, has been like a member of our family, but it has been clear to me for a while that he was ready to move on. I do want them to maintain their friendship, but how? He has been her very best, and first very best friend. According to his mother, she was that for him as well. She also indicated that in a couple of years.... well Who knows? Maybe they'd be able to be back together.
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28951

Wow! Thank God for this forum. I couldnt talk to anyone about my feelings because they just felt so wrong. My daughter is only 15. She has some mild learning difficulties which means that she doesnt always understand what people are insinuating. Explain things clearly and she's just fine. Despite this learning difficulty she is very emotionally mature and sensible. She had been bullied at school because she doesnt read between the lines in conversations. So when a boy in her year started asking her out, it took him 18 months and a crusade to win her trust. He became her best friend, she told him all her feelings, and he told her his. He clearly adored her. If she didnt understand something, he explained it too her far better than I ever could, and he loved helping her.
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29061

(from above) Her school report was the best we have ever had. She was happy. He too has had problems. He comes from a good family but his dad ran out on them 2 years ago and he hasnt seen him since. He had been treated for depression (understandable really). This also seems to have made him more emotionally mature than other in his year. I have never met him, so how do I know this? FB and texts! I justify this by telling myself that she needs me to explain to her what people are 'actually' saying to her. I always do it in such a way that the subject just drops into conversation rather than telling her I have read these things.
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29062

(from above) He went on holiday and while he was there she agreed that they should become a couple when he returned home. Then something happened (we dont know what), and he seemed to be going into a depression again. He stopped texting her, stopped all communication, refused to meet up when he returned home. He said they were fine, nothing had changed between them, but clearly something was wrong. For those few days I was beside myself. I felt sick all the time. I cried for no reason. My daughter was just mad at him and was over it long before I was. They are now communicating again, and although things are a little tense a times they seem to be working it out. But I cant get over how I felt. It scared me. I'm 50 (an older 1st time mum) and it was as if I was a teenager all over again. I'm feeling much better now. I cant help feeling that it was an emotional release from a break up I cant even remember now.
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29063

(from above) And I cant help being embarrassed about how stupid I was. I'm sure there will be some psychologist out there who can give us a name for this, unless of course it's just Overprotective Mum Syndrome lol.
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29064

Any suggestions on how to "butt-out"?
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29502

My daughter 17 yr old, met a boy 17 also, in June of 2012, he was to leave for Corpus christi Texas for Hockey in August. They spent the entire summer together until he left,said there good byes cried and he left. She is close to his mom and 2 sisters. She spent nights with them while he was away, traveled with them, He came back here to MN in sept,for hockey and he asked her to be his girlfriend. They began a long distance relationship with texting and skyping, talked about there future, he told he loved her, could not wait to send his life with her, etc..
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29808

cont He came home for XMAS they spent every minute together, he bought her a diamond and emerald necklace - her birthstone, she then traveled down there with his family and spent the week with him. Which is a 27 hour drive, then broke up with her in FEB for no reason, said he was stressed out. Then just needed a break. After XMAS he began to be more upset with her if she went out with friends, She went to Michigan again with his family and he wanted to be her boyfriend again. We as a family went down there to see him in March and he told her could not believe how much he loved her, my daughter then felt some distance between them, asked him if she could go down and stay with him in May for their 18th bdays. He was so excited for her to come and stay with him for the week, We booked her airline ticket, The next day he called her and said we are done, i dont love or care about you anymore and blocked her from all of his social media.
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29809

His hockey season ended 1 week later and he began seeing a girl in Corpus on a regular basis. He then texted her when she started talking to a boy on twitter saying, glad to see you moved on so quick, after he began seeing a girl down, I have since become obsessed with looking at his twitter and getting more upset by what is said on there, about his new Girlfriend. I favorited a tweet about him being homesick, he then set his twitter to private due to my favoring a tweet! I did not follow him so i am not able to see any tweets, I feel bad if i upset him but has been good that i am not able to see his tweets anymore cause it made me physically upset. I am still trying to understand why i am so upset or even care!! i know in my head that this is stupid to care, but my heart still feels a loss or pain or something not sure what!! Looking for an answer,Not sure what to feel anymore, but it is all i think about!! HELP! I know in my head this is the best.
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29810

OMg.. it is so hard!! I feel ya.. I cna not stop thinking about and the whys?? YOu are looking for answers you may or may not find.. And if you do find the answers will it change anything! I have been struggling with this for over a month now.. Especially when i feel there is more to come with it! He has been gone for most of my daughters realtionship and comes home in 2 weeks.. Feel anxious about it, but for no reason he started dating someone else where he is. but i fell like i need to find an answer but probably will not. It is for my daughter to find not me!! i have to tell myself that. But it is very hard.
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29811

How do you tell your daughter not only did he break up with you, but his family did also! It was her second family!
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29812

I am SO grateful to have found this forum. I, too, have been more worried about my daughter's recent breakup than she is. It was her first real boyfriend, and he got quite close with our family, in particular my younger son, who adored him. I knew that it would likely end at some point, because they're still so young (freshmen in high school). But, why do I feel hurt by it? I'm sad for my daughter and hate to see her hurting, but I don't understand my own feelings of loss. I, too, occasionally look through her social media accounts and those of her friends; however, I think that's just good parenting. I'm not reading her diary, but do feel it's important to know what my daughter is putting out there for the world to see. I also think it's important to know who her friends are. My real question here is: How do I get rid of these feelings of heartache for my daughter's breakup? Right or wrong, common or not, I'm just glad to know I'm not the only parent dealing with this issue!
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30137

I cant believe I just found this site by accident. My daughter is about to turn 16 and is in her first serious relationship. They have broken up a couple times, she breaks up with him. But they always seem to get back together. I feel she is spending way too much time with him. Every day. This has been going on for a year now. He is a nice enough kid, but seems to have zero drive to do anything with his life.
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30539

I seem to be the opposite of you guys. I would do a happy dance if they broke up!
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30540

Wow, Gloria it could soooo be menopause. Or perimenapause. People close to me thought I was developing bi-polar disorder when I started going through peril.
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30541

I meant peri as in perimenapause
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30542

When you were young, did you go through an extremely hard break-up yourself?
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30543

Life's rough let your kids make there own mistakes. It's how we all learn. In the meantime get a hobby to take your mind off it. Maybe do something to make your life more fun and exciting to take your mind off your kids failings.
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30567

Hi Ladies I have been reading your comments and glad I did. I have had a very similar situation - wonderful 17yr old daughter dating a gorgeous guy for over a year (first boyfriend) when almost out of the blue he dumped her. A month went by and they talked on the phone and finally met up and he told her he had spent the last month thinking what a fool he had been, how much he wanted her back etc etc. The next day he pulled the switch and within the week they had broken up again.
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30728

from above -Whilst my daughter was terribly hurt, and it was 3 months ago, she is moving on slowly. He has a new girlfriend now who goes to her school and boasts about going out with my daughter's ex. This hurt her but she has moved on and handles it pretty well actually. However, I have not. I am furious, depressed, emotional - all the things you mentioned. I don't check her phone or facebook but I check his every few weeks which I really don't want to do anymore. I don't want to know anything about him at all and I don't know how to stop checking in. I worry about my daughter a lot but I want her to find someone else so that she can move truly on. I think I miss this kid and I don't know why. Am hopeful, very hopeful that he won't be the best boyfriend she ever has! Any tips for assistance out there?
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30729

My 17 year old granddaughter came to visit me in Jan from Virgina Beach in hopes of finding the perfect prom dress.Took her to one of the largest retailers of dresses and there was that very special dress. She looked amazing so very happy..I degrees my son just told me that her first ever boyfriend is not taking her to the prom.My son said that she been crying for days they are all going to see a therapist so that she can let it all out. I am so happy to hear that but I have been told she doesnt want to tell me and that I have to respect that! We respect each others privacy I know she is getting counseling tomorrow that helps BUT I feel helpless she is in pain and I want to help her now. What can I do....Oh I'm a Family Services Counselor and I am helpless..
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31415