teen daughter dumped - I am the one more depressed!
04/30/2010 at 05:55 AM

So glad I found this forum as I have been thinking about counseling or something. I know my reaction to my daughter's recent situation is not normal. I just need to talk, vent, get advice from someone!!

My daughter is almost 17. She has had one boyfriend her entire life - none of the little elementary school romance, no hand holding - nothing at all until the end of her freshman year and she started dating a boy one year older who I thought was a nice young man. He treated her so well, they were devoted to each other and spent as much time together as we allowed (not that much - once during the week, once on weekends). This relationship lasted until January - so over one and a half years. He broke up with her in January to the shock of us all. We then find out he was having a "thing" with some 14 year old girl who had been chasing him. After 5 weeks of no talking and my daughter finally moving on and trying to live without him, he returned but only partially. He wanted her but he wanted others also. He said he was going to college in the fall so didn't want a girlfriend but he still wanted her 100% in love with him. She was fine with that - her father and I were furious with her lack of self respect - the fact that she would take whatever little amount of time he offered her while he continued to be with other girls frequently and she stayed loyal only to him. Anyway, the issue is not really this relationship which now finally seems to have ended - but my reaction to it!

I am obsessed with what he is doing to her. I snoop on her cell phone every day while she is in the shower to know what is going on. I check out his facebook. I talk to anyone who might have info on what he is doing. I can't sleep, can't eat - I feel a huge depression because of my daughter's sadness and how he has devastated her. My reaction to this is not normal. I cry a lot - seemingly out of the blue.

I am wondering if I am just menopausal, is depression setting in, is something more going on with me and this is just the trigger? It just has affected me more than a regular teenage relationship/break-up should and I do not understand it. I feel like I am ruining my relationship with my daughter by forcing my views on her about this boy. I need help and advice on how I deal with my reaction to her pain and sadness. It is not normal to be so involved and to feel so hurt myself because a boy dumped my daughter.

Has anyone else been here? Do you have any advice? Should I see a doctor or therapist? I can't seem to let it go. She is dealing with it better than I am!!

It never hurts to see someone. At the very least you have someone you can vent to who is paid to listen! Seems like you need some guidance on how to process and sort out your feelings and emotions. A good therapist could help you to understand your feelings and cope better. Of course, menopause could have something to do with it too. You sound very overwhelmed. It is good that you are recognizing it.

I think a lot of parents get very wrapped up in the lives of their children. Try to force yourself to stop obsessing. When she is in the shower, leave the house for a few minutes to remove the temptation of looking at her phone. I know it is obvious, but maybe just keeping yourself busy with a hobby, exercise, reading, etc. could help.

It is important to talk to your daughter about self-esteem. I guess at a point, it can be too much though.

Good luck, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I do think it will get better with time.

cid
20581

Very similar situation! Only boyfriend, great kid. Recently broke up (my daughter did it after she discovered he had not told her of a visit by a girl to his home)and got back together. They are going to separate colleges this fall; she wants to spend every waking moment with him. He tells her he loves her but can't really make time to see her (he plays summer baseball). They text a lot, and she says they're fine, but I am suspicious he's being mean to her, avoiding her. I do the same things you do, constantly checking FB, etc., and I am obsessed. I am worried about this other girl. What is wrong with me?

cid
22611

Back off and let your daughter live her life. She needs to learn from her own experiences and if she does get hurt that is just part of life. It is natural for you to be concerned but not obsessed or for you to check up on her as you state you are doing. Leave the situation alone and let things take their course without any more involvement from you.

cid
22613

WOW! I totally can relate to you and the more recent post. I am going through the exact same thing.

Daughter is very tall but beautiful and was a very late bloomer when it came to dating. So last summer when at almost 17 her first dating experience happened I was up and down worse than her. Since they worked together he decided they should just be friends. I was upset and dwelling worse than her although she was bad...

Since that time she was desperate for a relationship. The first boyfriend finally came in January and ended in June after 5 months. She ws hysterical but secretly I was moring too.

But during those 5 months I was a Facebook and textng stalker to see if it was going okay. When she seemed down I had to kow why. I was and still am obssessed. As i figure out her friends cell numbers I write them down and go own our cell providors web site to see who she is texting. Not to check up on her ut more to make sure she is happy and whoever she likes is keeping in touch.

If feel like I am living her life. It sounds so bad as I am an intelligent 44 year old with an awesome husband, job and two girls. I do not even owrry about the 14 year old BIZZARE.

Does she remnd me of myself?? Do I have issues from dating? Can not think of any..

I have been om medciation - is not working. Have talked to counselors - no help.

I know the answer is to stop FB and checking texts but it is like an addiction.

IT IS KILLING ME. Would love to talk more to you both.
She goes to college in 25 days that may save me actually.

cid
24045

hi guys,im a 44 year old man!(hope thats ok)From reading your posts i believe all of these responses are genuine,heartfelt and sincere,all a product of a caring,loving woman,(wemon),wanting the best for their child.I would probably only be concerned at privacy issues,this may do more harm than good,(if you get caught).Try to examine what it is you actually expect to learn from snooping. What information is going to be helpful, How will you use it?, what sorts of advice will your child benefit from if you did have this information?. Above all it is of vital importance that you respect your childrens right to privacy and confidentiality.(this is a basic human right),once again i think you are caring individuals,try not to become obsessed,this is a disease which could bring far reaching implications,worse than the one you initially were concerned about(do no harm).and make sure your children have a positive role model from which to learn.

cid
24241

Wow!

What a difference a few months makes!! We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and have come out the other side! I think having never gone through this before made it so much more difficult. If I had other kids, I would know this is just a normal part of growing up. Now I realize that everything has an end, no matter how horrible it is at the time. My daughter is so much better. I really think she doesnt't care a bit about the jerk. I no longer try to sneak her phone (yes, I got caught!. Life is good and we'll all be fine.

cid
24282

It is good to hear from you!

Your story makes me think of a saying--don't know who said it.

"If you're going through h*ll, just keep going!"

cid
24283

I am having the same problem . Everytime my 16 year old daughter gets dumped, I feel like I am getting dumped. This current relationship was perfect for her. He wrote her little love notes on Facebook and everything. Once school started, he dumped her. His excuse was his feelings for her have changed. She is fine about the situation, but I am a wreck. I do this with all her boyfriends. Yes, am a Facebook stalker always checking her site and messages and with her boyfriends site. What is up with me? Glad to hear I am not the only one with this obsession. Any comments? I am also trying to pick her for information about it and now I am driving her crazy.

cid
24391

I think that there are a couple of things happening here.

One is, teenagers are getting into relationships when THEY are too young. Kids this age are more loyal to their soft-drink brand than they are to their romantic interests, and that is exactly right. Teenagers need to mature before they get into relationships. Dating before age 16 is a predictor of teenage pregnancy and other problems.

The other is, parents are too caught up in their children's lives. The ultimate success of good parents is that we make ourselves irrelevant. We need to be prepared for our children to fail at many things: school, jobs, relationships, . . .. If they can experience these things as adolescents they will be more emotionally robust as adults--unless we interfere with the process.

Guidance is a great idea. Scaffolding is crippling. Parents, model emotional resilience. If it is too hard, get counseling for yourself.

That there are many people with the problem does not mean it's OK, just that it is common.

cid
24393

Thanks for the Insight and the advice!

cid
24395

I too seem to be obsessed with my 18yr old daughter's lovelife. She had been texting a 21yr old marine (also family friend)for months he had told her he loved her and then when he was coming home on leave, he told her that he could not get his old girlfriend off his mind even though they could not get along, so they broke up and then he left for deployment. I know this boy and like him alot and was very devistated over the break-up. My daughter was very depressed and felt betrayed. For some reason I could not stop thinking about the breakup and would also go on FB and see what he was up to. I would also contact him to make sure he was ok. He had alot of emotional issues.
My daughter and him reconnected 4 months ago when finally his ex said she didnt love him. They texted constantly and he asked her to marry him and have his children etc. He was very sorry for what happen before and he seemed like everything was great. He came back on 10 day leave before deploying to Afghan. They seemed to be getting along great. Of course they were still getting to know each other. But towards the end he said he was being smothered by us. I too don't know why I am getting so wrapped up in this. I try hard to not think about it but it keeps popping in my head. I'm glad I;m not the only one feeling this way because I have always felt I was a good mother and I don't want to be controlling.

cid
24444

The more and more I think about a lot of posts on here, I come to realize that we just know to much about EVERYONE! Peoples thoughts, comments, photos and entire lives are played out for everyone to see in texts, Facebook, etc... When we were young (I am in my 40's), the phone and notes were our ways to communicate with boyfriends and girlfriends. Parents could listen in on phone calls or find notes, but we all know how good we were at hiding things. Parents could not go online and see a phone record of who we were calling. No caller ID. No FB pictures and comments to read into. Our secret notes were hidden. It makes us nuts to know that we can now know everything our kids do and we use every resource we can to check on them. Makes us good parents? Yeah. Makes us crazy? Yeah. I am trying my best to stop (I am an abuser of checking phone records and FB) since at the current time my kids are happy, healthy and getting great grades. When things get out of control, our family will go back to the 1980's and the kids will not have their phones, Ipod and computer for a while. I have never had to even think about that with my teenagers. Keepin' my fingers crossed. Maybe us parents need a time out from computers when we start creepin' so much on our kids! Especially when they are happy with their lives!

cid
24765

well i must say, you do seem to be very involved emotionally in your daughters first relationship,of which of course there will be others..for she is only young. you talk of her 'trying to live without'him, which seems very intense for a first love..Maybe you yourself feel betrayed by this boy, because you must have grown somewhat close to him over the last year and a half, which i can understand..But maybe it goes a bit further in that you may have been re-living your youth in some way through your daughter, and maybe a metaphor for something you yourself feel you have lost.You seem very aware that your reaction is maybe a bit irrational and that council ling is a good idea...I haven't been through a similar situation yet as my children are still young but i wish you lots of luck anyway x

cid
24859