teen daughter does not communicate and is lying
07/04/2007 at 18:06 PM

I am struggling with my 17 yr old who has been grounded about 6 or more times over the last 8 months because she gets caught lying to be with a boy.  This boy dropped out of high school and went a drug/alcohol school, has no job, had his driver's license taken away, lies, etc... He bothered another girl about 4 years ago and almost got a restraining order.  At first, we tried to tell her not to see him.  That did not work.  Finally, about three months ago we took her to counseling & decided that she was allowed to see him on our terms -- he had to follow our house rules (he needed to come to the house, with our curfew, etc.)  She agreed -- but just last week she lied to us about where she was staying for the night & she was with him.  Now she is grounded AGAIN (the only time in her whole life she has been grounded is because she does not say no to this boy and has been the only time she lies to us).

Last time, her consequences were that she has no cell phone, no computer use, no car, and cannot go out for 2 weeks.   Now, it is longer & we have set more severe consequences if the lies do not stop.  The problem is not that she is seeing him, but she is lying about it. Also, now she is totally not talking to us and barely to the counselor -- she just sits there and does not talk at all.  She does not tell us what she expects or does not say ANYTHING.  She just goes along with the punishment with a blank stare.

I am worried that there is something deeper going on.  Please help me to know how to get her to communicate so we can deal with this issue.  Thanks

S

Hey blkeyesus,

 

Welcome to the boards.  It can be so hard to make a teenager tell the truth, I don't know why I just know that some of them just want to keep everything to themselves and lie about things.

 

I am sure you have been doing this but I think you just have to keep the lines of communication open the best you can---I think you are absolutely right to ground her and try to keep her from lying. 

 

I would continue to do what you think is best and just hope that she will get the importance of telling the truth and will start talking again.

 

Keep us posted.

 

Marti

 

http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

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I don't mean to be harsh (and everyone deserves a second chance at least), but on paper, this boy is a loser. I think you need to concentrate on building your daughter's self-esteem and talking to her about her taste in boys. There are ways to do this that don't seem like you are being mean or snobbish... but you really need to instill in your daughter that she can do better.

What does she think she has in common with someone like this boy? What type of future and relationship can they have? Does she want to go to college? She shouldn't be bogged down with this kid and all his issues. You need to get her to think about her life, and what direction she sees herself going, setting goals, etc.

I think this is a much bigger problem than the lying and staying overnight, especially b/c in less than a year, she won't have to answer to you at all. A lot of girls establish this pattern of dating boys that are "beneath them" (for lack of a better term). That's what I think you should focus on.

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Jim, maybe you should also find a better counselor. I think you may actually like playing the "victim" role. I think you like the attention you get from it. Your posts are actually starting to make me laugh.

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Jim, you have all kinds of “advice” to solve everyone else’s problems, have you solved any of your own recently? Just curious. Good luck.

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Jim, might I suggest you take up a hobby. It seems like you have too much spare time on your hands.

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