Stepdaughter Problems - FamilyEducation
Stepdaughter Problems
09/04/2007 at 13:41 PM

I have been married to my wife for a year now and she, her now 17 year old daughter, and I,  live together.
My stepdaughter has known me since she was 14, and has increasingly acted aloof, distant, and rude...and not just to me, but to her mother, other adults, and peers. Her father has her about 40%, and provides little to no leadership or examples of good parenting. She does little or nothing to help in our household, and my wife feels powerless to direct her doughter or require any speicifc rules or tasts, becuase..."her father will just do what he wants when she is with him..."
I have gone out of my way to be firm, supportive, and always available to my step-daughter for anything...which amounts to a lot of chauffering (!). She now is driving and has 'finessed' her mother into buying a car for her, (yes, I 'loaned' her mother the money), and voila! ...the stepdaughter/princess now announces that she is having sex with her boyfriend, which is unacceptable to me (along with her attitudes, rude remarks, and 'all for me' attitude.. What truly is unacceptable though, is the way she treats her mother. She is a user of people, and a young, conniving teen girl in the worst sense of the word. Her mother still feels powerless.
Can anyone out there help me with advice?

Hey dpcowboy,


I have to say that I haven't met very many step-parents who didn't think that their step-child wasn't handled strictly enough.  It is human nature to be harder on someone else's kid than you would be on your own kid.  I remember my uncle saying that he treated my cousins (who were his step-kids) the same as he would treat his own child but then when he had a natural child with my aunt, he treated his son completely differently.


I would say that especially at 17 years old, you need to leave this up to your wife.  She should deal with her daughter and you should just be supportive.  She will be on her own soon and you don't want to drive a wedge between you and her or you and your wife.


What does everyone else think?





I have a step daughter who is now 18 and she has been with myself and my family and husband since she was 11 and boy oh boy, step daughters are rough.  They are nice one time, then rude, and know everything, and then want you to drive them places.  In my experience, you just have to bit your tongue as Marti says, as soon she will be out on her own. Hopefully her mother and father  should of tried to teach her things as she when she was younger.  Sometimes its up to the teenager, and when they move out they will have a big wakeup call.  I know how hard it is, but sometimes i try to be her friend instead of the step mom, and i find that works.. its a very rough time...If you love her mom, sometimes it is easier to just back off, as you don't want your relationship to be hurt, and that will be done if you get in the middle, i have experienced that, and we just said who are really important, our relationship or a teenager at 18 who will be out on her own soon. 

Good luck with everything....




I think you need to stay united with counceling  every one  included aspecially if you recently re married  your new wife. My 10 year old daughter stepped all over me  We had her move back to her moms she was emancipated by her mom and now has aids 8 years later.


I am a step child and I am currently a step mother.  I never realized how hard it was for my step mother until I became one myself.  My situation is somewhat different then yours because I have a stepson.  His father and I have been together since he was 3/4 and he will be 13 in October.  He has been through a lot and was taken from his mother when he was 6 years old due to her behavior and we had to fight 18 months to keep him ( the system is prejudice towards men).  My husband currently has full custody of him and he has been living with us full time since he was 6. 

This whole situation has been so trying and created a barrier between my husband and I that only GOD can break down.  My son (because that what I see him as) can be very difficult, he is a different child for me than he is for his father, He is mean and resentful at times of his little brothers (his father & my children) and he has incredible bouts with his attitude but remember the sins of the parents fall on the children.  Children do not know how to cope with a lot of things and we as adults have problems coping also.

My advise to you is stand strong put God and your wife first in your life.  Pray, allow your wife to do what she needs to do but always keep a united front with your wife.  Stand strong with her, listen and sometime don't provide advise unless it is asked of you.  As a child, I did not understand that when my father stood by his new wife and not with us but as an adult whose marriage is currentlly on the verge of divorce I now understand.  You are to raise your children to leave home which means that you always need to keep a life of your own.

Love your stepdaughter but sometimes you need to love from a far but ultimately you  need to work through this with your wife.  Yes, she may be out of the house soon but parenting does not end at 18 or 21, it just changes.  Keep the faith and I will pray for you and your family.  God Bless.


You have my sympathy.  You seem frustrated because you cannot control your stepdaughter and you seem to blame her natural parents for not being able to control her either.  The truth is nobody can control her; that's why it is called self-control.  The only thing you can control is your own behavior.  Also, you can't control money that is loaned.  If you can't live with that fact, don't loan it.


You wouldn't accept rude behavior from a peer, so don't accept it from your stepdaughter.  When my son is rude to me, I call him on it.  It goes something like this, "I don't like your tone of voice/your attitude.  I'll talk to you when you can talk to me respectfully."  Then, I leave the room and he's not allowed to hang out with friends.  The rule in our house is if you can't get along with your family, you're not ready for the outside world. When he's ready, he finds me.  Just don't hold your breath or a grudge.  Also, I don't do favors for people who are rude to me.  If you do, you are not helping her with the real world.  People in the real world reject others who are rude to them.


Regarding your stepdaughter's sex life.  That, too, is her decision.  Each time she brings it up again, simply repeat, "It is your choice",and disengage by walking away.  My guess is she is trying to ruffle your feathers with this kind of pronouncement.


Your wife/her mother has to decide for herself what she will or will not accept from her daughter.  However, since she is 17, she is still dependent on her mother.  For me the first thing to go would be the car or cell phone.


Good luck.


Hi, just to say my own daughter was behaving in the same way, she wouldnt speak to me or her father.  So I refused to speak to her but I knew she'd have to come to me as she'd want a lift, money etc. I waited until she came and said sorry, I asked her what for and she didn't know, so I explained that she was embaressing me and that I was ashamed of how she is acting,  If she is going to be treated like a princess she is not going to treat me like this any longer. Also that until she show me some respect she could do her own ironing, catch the train home, and not ask me for money or clothes. 

She told my husband that she didn't dislike us and couldnt help herself sometimes.  I really do believe that you should try and discuss these things as sometimes they don't realise how they are acting.  Also stress the point that if she is old enough to have sex she should be old enough to have a conversation with you both.  i also suggest you get her on the pill, you cant tell teens what to do, just advise them, the sad fact is that teens are having sex, try to put yourself in her shoes at that age.  I know whatever my mother told me not to do I had to go and do it.

Things are much better here hope things are sorted for you soon, it doesn't get any easier, but sometimes when you look at other children the same age as yours and they are much worse behaved be thankful.

regards natalie


Do you really think YOUR GOD is going to be of help. Look at the world around you! 


I have a 16 yr. old stepdaughter that is very jealous of me and her dad. I have given them time together and encourage it as well. She does not look me in the eye when talking to me, she rarely talks to me at all unless she needs something and even then her dad asks for her or she asks him in the other room and they think I'm supposed to hear it and offer help. I've quit doing that and let someone ask me directly. Anyway, we have been married for 3 yrs. and I thank God everyday for helping me get a little tougher skinned. It is hard to be rejected by someone you live with everyday. She never talks about anything with me, she keeps it all inside. She was going to a counselor a year after we were married but we thought that she was getting better. She does talk to me sometimes like when she was doing a science project I talked to her about it and was interested and she was kind then but rarely. I really enjoy those moments when we can communicate.I realize I'm the one that will have to change and not get my feelings hurt so much at her rejection. I also have a 14 yr.old stepson. He and I get along better but still he is very distant. He respects me a lot more than my stepdaughter. I can't say anything correcting to them at all, so I don't  but when I tell there dad something that I think needs addressing he says I am coming against them even when he asked me to tell him anything I see that may need attention. He is so sensitive. I have to be so careful what I say.I'm trying to just keep my mouth shut.  We may be moving far away because of my husband job situation and that would be taking them from their bio mom who they see everyother weekend and one night a week. They are going to hate leaving there school too.

Thanks for letting me just talk. I have no one to talk too.Have any of you been in this situation before or have any wise counsel for me? I will take it!

Thanks, hopefulstpmm




I have constructed this whole little story, which may have little to do with what is going on, but, here are my thoughts.

You have my sympathy, but you did volunteer for this, and yes, it is hard.  The children didn't volunteer.  If they had a vote, it would probably be for having an intact family. 

And now, they don't get a vote again, and they are leaving their mom, and their home and their friends.  I know it isn't your fault, but you are the symbol of all that is wrong in their lives.  They aren't secure enough in their relationships with their mom and dad to take it out on them, so they take it out on you.  And I don't know of any way that you can fix it. 

Either you are tough enough to be unappreciated kindness and stability, or you are not.  I don't know if you even know how tough you are.  I hope you are tough enough. 


I have almost the exact same issues with my step-daughter. She moved in with us last november because her mom was moving again (like the 7th time in a year) and she wanted to stay in the same school to graduate with friends. She turned 18 in Sept. 1 week later we found out that she had been dating/sleeping with a 30 yr old man that she worked with. This man is controlling her every move mind you. We as a family including her mother tried to talk to her, she got angry with me and dad, left and has been at her mothers for 5 weeks now. She called last week and told dad she needed to come back because her mom was moving again and she couldnt go with her since this is her last year of school, later that nite she called her dad bawling her eyes out, the b/f had been yelling at her all nite and she needed us to come get her from work (she called back a few minutes later to say never mind the b/f would take her home). So dad, being a dad, decided it was time to put a stop to all of this. Ha boy did he get a rude awakening. she was angry with dad for doing anything at all. She constantly lies on everyone and I mean everyone, she uses all of us, she doesnt have a mind of her own. My husband decided to change the locks on the house a few days ago so she couldnt come in and out when we were not at home, that made her mad as well. She has no home and her mom has moved out of the school district, but she still has her job and b/f. she came last nite to pick up her things. we have no idea wheres shes living/staying nothing. she refuses to talk to her dad. ya know shes a teenage girl, she wont answer her cell phone and claims its dead when we call--Im scared for her as far as her b/f goes, he is very controlling and hes yelled at her several times, he checks her cell phone for # and msgs. Ive been through all of that. I feel for you truely I do. Sometimes you just have to let go and let the world take over, your step daughter will soon learn a few valuable lessons. Its hard to not get involved but sometimes you just have to let go.

I wish you all the best of luck. Just make sure you and your wife let her know that you are there for her. Because eventually she will grow up and realize that she was a terd


I had a step-dad growing up, and as much as I understood it is hard for him, it tore me up inside! I was never rebelious as your step-daugter seems to be, but I did hate/resent him at certain moments. He was easy to blame. 

She seems like she is pushing all these things because she is craving love. Do not be like my step-dad and me, we have a akward and sometimes impossible relationship, and I am now 26, it's too hard to go back and make those memories together. 
What was the hardest for me was him and my mum had other children and I really hated that, and took it out on him. Once they were born I no longer felt like I could get close to him. Mostley I felt sorry for my mom, as I do your wife, they are the glue, and she is getting pulled emotionally in every single direction and probably feels like she does not have any answers. Console and support her, the relationship with your step-daughter will HOPEFULLY improve, but try and understand she sees you and everything you say and just thinks YOU ARE NOT MY DAD! Do not start to resent her or you will lose her. Familys are hard, and hard work. Especially modern familys, try spending some time with just her, show her you love her. Remeber she is at a very confused stage in her life, just before adullthood, take yourself back to when you were her age.
And although her parents breaking up is not an excuse, remember how hard it must be for her, living inbetween houses and both parents having new lives. It is HARD and I felt I did not know where I belonged or who I was. Show her you are someone that will ALWAYS be there for her, because you will ALWAYS be FAMILY! 

H there.  Thank you for your insight... I find it helpful in a difficult situation.  I've read through most of these messages and realize it's not just us.  I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year, he has three daughters 12, 14 and 16.  The two older girls have been challenging, and wonderful at the same time.  The challenges have been "normal" to growing up and being teenagers with a lot of personality.  They listen and are not opposed to talking.  The younger - we're like oil and vinegar.  When she is getting what she wants she is great, albeit ignoring us and the fact that she got what she wanted, but in a great mood.  However, her behavior is self absorbed, manipulative, deceitful and extremely dramatic.  She seeks attention constantly, onto herself.  She lies to get out of doing anything.  She has a pattern of getting in trouble at school with not only her peers, but teachers and parents as well.  As an 'observer' I see her patterns, but my boyfriend and his ex wife are completely oblivious to it - "she's just SO adorable."  Last night was the first time in a year that my boyfriend and I went to bed arguing, no goodnights....  He claims that I am frustrating him, that I am acting more like the 12 year old than the 37 year old that I am and that I allow her to behave as she does - that she feeds off of me.  He says someone needs to protect her, that shes's only 12 and it takes years to learn and grow.  From there forward he refuses to discuss it - says I need to figure it out.  This is a problem that I need to work out but I have no idea how.  She's a brat.  I 've tried the route of giving her everything, of rewards, of positive reinforcement, but we always end up where we are now.  We live in a small house, so we're on top of one another when the girls are here [every other week].   She acts like a princess and gets her sisters in trouble all the time, but she gets away with it because her Dad is always working and not around to know.  I know, but when I chime in I become the bad guy.  Please help.  I love my boyfriend SO much, but his daughter irritates me to no end. Thank you!!


I am just in the process of packing my suitcase to return to my parents house at the age of 40. I have been married to my husband for nearly 6 years. My husband knew even before we were married that I did not want children and that, although I understood that his daughter (now 15) would be staying on a weekend, I would not want her to live with us - he agreed to this. Last year we were caught up in the floods which meant that my husband and I had to move out of our home and in with my parents for about 5 months. This meant that my stepdaughter could not stay over. After 3 days of being back in our own home my husband's ex threw his daughter out, so obviously we had no choice but for her to come to live with us. It has been an uphill struggle. I have tried desperately hard to accommodate her, initially feeling sorry for her but now I feel sorry for her mother. She will not do as she is told; either at home or at school (where we take her and pick her up everyday as it is at the other side of town), she is constantly in trouble and has been known to fight even with her so called 'best' friends; we have had to go to casualty because she'd drunk so much vodka that she'd collapsed on the streets with her so called friends. We have tried to talk rationally to her about what the problems are and she tells you what she thinks you want to hear. She says that we treat her like a 5 year old and don't trust her and that we never let her do anything which is untrue but we do set rules (which she occasionally keeps). I have spoken with my husband about it previously but he does not punish her for anything. I now lose my temper because I am not prepared to let her get away with shouting and screaming in my face. I am now on medication through the doctor for my nerves. She has been with us for 7 months! The latest spanner in the works is that there has been a lot of redundancies at the factory where my husband works which also means the remaining workers are now down to working 3 days a week, thus his income is nearly half. She decided on Wednesday that she was going to see her boyfriend who lives at the other side of town. Her father told her she could not go because we couldn't afford it... she kicked off big time. I tried to keep out of it but when she started shouting and screaming, I walked in to her room to explain our predicament with money so that she would understand why her dad had said this. She screamed 'I don't care that you could lose the house or that you are struggling because I don't spend the money!' At this I was on the brink of lashing out so I left the house. Anyway, the end of the situation is nigh - she has got what she has wanted from her being age 9 which is me out of the equation. She has warn me down to the point of no return. I now have to start to rebuild my life - whether that includes her father or not, I just don't know!

VIcki, I feel for your situation because I would have to leave too. However, it is ignorant to think you can marry a man with a child and just set the expectation that you will never live with her. Your husband has a responsibility to his child BEFORE his responsibility to you. I feel sorry for the girls mom too; the father if her child can conveniently dictate "she will need to live with you because my new wife does not want kids" that is ridiculous!! If you ever marry again, don't marry a man with kids... BOttom line a person with kids is not just one sigle person he/she is a package.... That will never change

Hello out there... H have a 25 year old stepdaughter living with my wife and I...It is getting to me that when I met my wife I told her that I did not want to raise kids anymore.. and neither did she. So she says//We are both 47 years old...both have been divored and moving on with our lives... Just wondering if my thinking is wrong...The daughter is a nice girl and all .. she cleans when she is told .. washes her own clothes..has a job.. pays nothing to us.. she does buy sodas and a few groceries..but to me this is not enough..She is over weight..does nothing unless told to..Stays at home evey weekend..always complaning that she has no money to do anything.. Her boyfriend comes to visit.. but they stay here at the house and close the door.. My wife backs her up on just about everything and still call her sweet names ..which really boils me. Sge does talk about getting her own place.. hbut it is only get her mother to say .. you see she is going to move out soon.. It has been over two years hearing this.. Someone out there give me some advise.

Being a teen is a very confusing and difficult time. So imagine that you are 15 and the only thing on ur mind is ur 16th bday. Thats the day you can go get ur drivers license, that day is a very pivotal moment of any teens life. Now take urself back to when you were 15,14, or even 13. I am sure if you concentrate hard enough you will remember those times. Just starting Junior High School or even High School, physical changes going on, feeling that you can not explain. There is a lot going on in a teens mind and the last thing they are thinking about is mom and dad not being together any more. Then steps in 2 new ppl in thier lives. step mom and step dad At this moment they are thinking, who are you, and its your fault mom and dad are not together. Face it being a step parent just plan sux. You instananiously become the center of thier anger, but its very displaced anger. They are angry but they cant take it out on mom or dad so who is the next person in line that is defenseless, the step parent. Now, they are angry and hurt. They are feeling they are betraying thier parents when they go stay at the others house. Teens do stupid things anyway in a normal (if a thing such exist) household can you imagine what they are feeling in a divorce household. Some use this to thier advantage The most important thing a step parent can do is just be there when thier step kids need them, and not for being a bank or a taxi. You have to hold your ground but not so rigid that you come across being a mom or dad to them. Thier biggest fear is that you are going to attempt to replace thier biological parent. I understand that at times it looks as if the parent doesnt do anything to keep thier kids actions and behaviors in checked. Think about it, each parent has limited time to spend with thier kids, do you really feel that they want to spend that time disciplining them when they should be spending quality time with them? So it is a very difficult situation for all involved. However, if you love your spouse and remember you knew what you were getting into, you chose to be with your wife these are the conditions in which you have to live. Yes it sux you dont have any authority over your wifes kids but you and her have to agree on how to handle the kids, whether they be yours here or both together. Raising step kids, although a lot more difficult and challenging, is no different than raising your own, the same rules apply. What helped me is looking at my step kids like they were my niece and nephew, although someone elses kids they will follow the rules of the house.

I too have a live in family, where I have been the punching bag, insult taker, money source, and now the blame for all things going wrong. Is there really any way to help raise a child from a split family, that will not cause you to be resented. I have to disagree with one comment someone made about step parents being harder on step kids than their own. That's poppycock and jibberish! (I am using my indoor words here.) As an example of my situation, today we are finishing a two week move from one house to another. The kids have not helped one bit, even though 97% of the "STUFF" is theirs. My girlfriend's daughter is court ordered to her dad's this weekend. The daughter texts me and says, "you should have mom call and say I need to go get a haircut, and then come get me, and take me to go get a haircut." I responded thus: "We do not have any extra time today. We are finishing the move. Sorry. You do not need a haircut anyways, becuase you are just now starting to look like a decent young lady." (this is oppposed to the butch/goth/whatever, multiple color changing hair of the past two years.) Anyway! I digress! I get the following in response... "I hate you, don't ever speak to me again. I hope you get sick and die ***hole!" Now, as a father of three kids myself, I am quite disturbed that ANY teenager feels he/she can talk to adults this way. I am a military child, and ex military myself. MY children would NEVER think of telling an adult those things, nor would they live much longer afterward if they did. (TO CSB AND ALL OTHERS, THAT LAST PART WAS IRONY NOT A THREAT!) So I retorted by simply stating, I cannot wait to go over to her real dad's house so I can show him how she talks to adults. Now my girlfriend says she is moving out because I caused trauma amongst her daughter's otherwise mundane, all about me lifestyle. TO SUMMARIZE!!! I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IN ORDER TO BE A STEP PARENT, YOU MUST GIVE UP ALL HOPE IN EVER BEING RIGHT, APPRECIATED, AND RESPECTED. YOU ARE THE PUNCHING BAG, AND THE REASON FOR ANYTHING THAT GOES WRONG! YOU MUST LIVE WITH WRECHED TYRANTS WHO DISRESPECT YOU CONSTANTLY AND SUCK IT UP BECAUSE YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG FOR STATING THAT THE KIDS SHOULD CHANGE. IT IS A LOSE LOSE SITUATION, AND I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND BEING A STEP PARENT TO ANYONE. I WOULD RATHER DETER ANY PEOPLE GOING INTO THAT SITUATION UNLESS SOME GROUND RULES WERE SET FORTH AHEAD OF TIME. OTHERWISE THE STEP PARENT HAS ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHTS, AUTHORITY AND SAY IN ANYTHING, AND THE KIDS AND THEIR MOTHER/FATHER WILL NOT HESITATE TO TELL YOU SO EVERY DAY FOR THE REMAINDER OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP, OR UNTIL YOU DIE FROM A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK, WHICH COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED BY SIMPLY STATING, "HONEY, YOUR KIDS ARE TERRIBLE, AND I AM SORRY I EVER GOT INVOLVED WITH YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BRATS IN THE FIRST PLACE." PLEASE PACK YOUR STUFF AND LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. ENJOY THE STREETS THOUGH BECAUSE YOU CANNOT AFFORD A HOUSE OF YOUR OWN, AND THE LAW STATES THAT TEEN CHILDREN OF OPPOSITE SEX CANNOT SHARE A ROOM. SO YOU ARE THUS GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE BACK TO YOUR MOM OR DADS, GO FIGURE THEY'RE SPLIT UP TOO, AND/OR FIND SOMEONE WHO IS A DEAF MUTE MILLIONAIRE, SO THAT HE WILL NOT HAVE TO HEAR HOW AWFUL YOU HAVE LET YOUR CHILDREN BECOME." In the words of a great pirate folklore, "Abandon all hope ye who enter here!!" That was probably Black Beard just before he settled down to a woman with two teenage kids. I love them to death though, and will continue to do anything for them, because I wish for better times for them than their real father didn't even bother to try to give them. Love all, keep up the fight.

I love this site, even when we use our indoor words, we get poppy(filtered word). My favorite was fruit(filtered word) tail. I wonder what happens in the morning when the (filtered word) crows. And I'm wondering if this complete post will make it past the filters, or if the automatic rules will just throw the whole thing out.

At least you have kept your sense of humor in the midst of all the turmoil. Sadly, you are right. My second marriage to the love of my life ended in divorce because of his 3 daughters. They were adorable at just turned 10, 8 and nearly 6, but as each of them turned 13-14, all h&&l broke loose. After going through this for over 4 years, I made an ultimatum and he chose to move out taking his youngest sexually active, drug using, foul mouthed daughter with him. 14 years later my children and I still bear the scars of their emotional abuse. I still yearn for my kind and loving husband who is still being taken advantage of and trying to help his ungrateful adult daughters. Ironically, each of his daughters called me after they turned 18 and profusely apologised to me for all the turmoil they caused us and their part in our divorce. Too little, too late as I was going through therapy and learning to protect myself. Fast forward: nearly 2 years ago I remarried (I know, I know, forever the optimist) a man with 9 and 12 y/o sons. I made it clear during our first serious conversation that unless his ex meets an untimely demise or moves out of the country for the next 10 years, his boys will never live with us. The boys tried to manipulate us for months, telling us all kinds of horror stories to get to live with us, but we stood firm and we are now on a good visitation schedule. I did learn by my mistake and hope others can benefit from my experience.

I was a single woman, married now for over 4 Yrs to a father of 3 daughters (2 live with us)20-16. Boy do I feel dumb, I thought make up , hair, fun, fun. Little did I know ,not only is it like having 3 wives in the house (me included) I am the only one (of the wives ) that gets to help pay the bills and clean up behind everybody (at now 7 months pregnant and my son is three)My husband has expressed his beliefs and reinforces them as such that his children have no obligation and he doesn't require them to help.Yet they can use the computers, t.v, lights, electricity anytime they want. They express gratitude to their dad right in front of me even if he knows I purchases something and he does not nip it in the bud instead tells them later and does not require them to say THank You. I recently planned by stepdauhters homecoming sendoff again she told her dad thank you in front of me and said nothing to me. Yet she will take my tings use them without asking, eat what I buy till its all gone but doesn't feel obligated. It's been ugly ! The home training I thought would have been established and automatic was far from that.ex this is the first year sanitary napkins are being wrapped up daily. We are still working on picking up your crumbs and pushing up your chair, oh your wet towels don't stay in your room or get wrapped in the dry ones they mildew, or rinse your milk/oatmeal out of the dish it dries up, pretty hard to wash. They cling and love other women of course they don't live with them ,they can go as they please , no responsibility , no dishes, no nagging step mom better yet. I know this is long but maybe someones been down this road. I have tolerated then i get frustrated but the thought that they will be grown soon is a joke i can't wait that long I need help. I know I am suppose to be the adult but the only oart of me that feels grown is the one that pays the bills,goes to work. Otherwise I am powerless in my own home and saying something makes everyone mad husband and the other wives.I must express I have shared my thoughts and they know how I feel so I am viewed as wierd mean and difficult because I ask for these things.Off to work!

I am torn up. I fell in love with a wonderful lady. We want to marry. However, having said that she would leave her daughters (17 and 19) in her house and come to live with me she is now saying that she wants them to live here. We tried it previously for two months and it was a disaster; I felt like a second-class citizen in my own home. They made overseas calls on my phone, constantly demanded money, ate food without consideration to others with the result that I was often hungry... Neither is working, and they spend all night slumped in front of the TV (which I am not allowed to watch unless I watch their trash) and most of the day either asleep or in the bathroom. They expect their mother to wait on them hand and foot, and she does so. Although I can understand why she wants them to come here (she can't trust them on their own) she does not seem to understand that this is problematic to me. I can't stand them, to be honest, and the feeling is pretty mutual. They are lazy, selfish and immature. In her more lucid moments my lady recognizes this, but she does not seem to get why I am problematized. She says that her previous boyfriend didn't have a problem; course not, they were 10 and 12 at the time, a completely different proposition. Beyond the practical issues, she has raised them single-handed (there is no father) and they are very close. I feel that I am marrying three people, and two of them I don't even like; whenever we have an argument she goes and consults her daughters. I asked her not to do that because it undermines me, and she stopped for a while, but is now doing it again. When we are on our own we are fine, but the minute they are about problems start; for instance my fiancee and I went out together, and came in late, and the resentment was seething because they hadn't eaten (too lazy to get up and cook). So after a lovely evening out, there is "atmosphere" and I go to bed while my fiancee makes them a meal. I don't mind doing stuff for my fiancee (I enjoy it) and am happy to give her money and gifts, but I resent it when the girls then take it. I bought her an expensive perfume, and the next thing I know the girls have taken it. I gave her some money to fix her car and the girls "borrowed" it. I say I will take my fiancee out for a drive and a picnic, and the girls insist on coming along, then we wait two hours while they get ready... My fiancee says that they will be moving on soon, but frankly I can't see it. I truly love this woman; I am 49, not a teenager, I have seen the world, been married before, and I know that if I don't marry this one then I will never marry again. Any advice? (PS: Sorry for the rant, but I have spent a sleepless night turning this over and over...)

just curious, do you have children, too?

Yes, a fair question; I do. They are 11,10,9, gbb. They live with their mother and visit frequently. When they come and my fiancee is around they are polite and respectful to her; my daughter is very fond of her, because she sees her dad happy for the first time in years. And my fiancee is very good with my children. But the two sets of "children" just ignore each other. PS: As I say, I understand, as a parent myself, why she wants them here, but she does not recognize why I have a problem, and therefore we simply can't resolve it.

Believe it or not, the problems that you notice before you marry only get worse when you marry. Even if you haven't noticed any problems, they seem to blossom after a marriage. Even if you are already living together, marriage seems to make the problems come to a head.

What will be there for you? YOUR OWN KNOWLEDGE???????????? you would be reding these things if you had it all together , would you?????

I think you are right ! It is up to the parent FIRST to correct the chid. Then if he/she can do that the step-parent can help,but..... then and only them it is a waste of time.

These are her children so if you cannot live with them, you cannot live with her. They possibly may never move on. My 25 y/o daughter, who is a college student and works, still lives with me with no sign of moving on. She and my husband of 2 years have just recently begun to get used to one another. They had a personality conflict and though my daughter is nothing like the girls you describe, it was a long road. My husband and I separated for a few months mainly because he thought I should choose him over my daughter and make her move out. When you are in a relationship with a partner, it includes the children, no matter their age.

what do u think? my daughter and her friend over here daughter says i have breast cancer (heartburn) husband rushes up holds hand out says let me see. i do not like it am i overeacting?

my 19 year old and her girlfriend sitting here she says oh i have breast cancer (pain in chest heartburn)husband gets up trying to be funny? says here let me see hand out toward her breast I don't like it am i overreacting?

It is sure nice to read all this. I am a mother of a 15 yo daughter whom I have custody of. My fiance' has a 16 yo daughter that lives with him. His daughter has become a tyrant. All was fine when we combined households last year, but soon after she developed a serious dislike for my daughter, telling friends that she is crazy and that she doesn't like her. My daughter spent her entire life in another school district, so now she is the new kid who has no support from an extremely influential peer. My fiancé is one of those fathers who does absolutely everything for their kids, and the kids have basically no responsibilities. He never punishes for bad behavior. My fiancé expected me to bond width his daughter as she does not get along with her mother. I think he has impossible expectations. When we moved in I rented my house to a family member, who will be buying a house this summer. So, it is tempting to say, "adios" to an otherwise good relationship.

You are right, your daughter is your priority.

You might try the book Advice to Children, By a Father who didn't always have the Answers by David W. Boothe at $8.69 He is also witing the sequel When Times Get Tough.

Okay so... to be honest it's time for you to break down and show her some tough love. You either have to start taking away things from her and grounding her or.. what worked for me.. boot camp. My mother and father sent me to boot camp when I was 16 because I was so wildly out of control. I was mad at the world because when i turned 14 my mother sent me to live with my father in another state and I just became so angry. And my poor father was giving me everything to try and show me the good parts of life. I did nothing but take advantage of him and use him. I was.. a conniving and horrible person. When they first sent me, I was so mad and I hated them so much for it. But after a while those sergants really break you down emotionally and all you see is how good you used to have it. When I was finally smarter about what I had I was allowed to come back home and I did so much better after that.

Don't give up