Obsessed with Daughters Relationship
04/14/2010 at 17:39 PM

I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter (almost 16) who is very independent and the total opposite of me when it comes to self confidence. She is very sure of herself and doesn't seem to have a problem telling people exactly what she thinks.

At the end of the school year she met a young man (16) with whom she began a relationship immediately. She was going away for the summer but spent every waking minute with him until she left. The day we put her on the bus to camp, it was devastating for me and later found out was for him as well. He came back to our house and sat and cried because he was going to miss her so much.

During the summer, I went to visit my daughter and took him with me. We got along very well and developed a healthy adult/teen relationship. He was from a single family and didn't have much in life. Since we are fairly wealthy, I didnt seem to think that it would hurt to provide for him while he was with our family. He would go on weekend trips with us, spend most of his free time at our house and cottage as well.

During the time that they dated, he respected her fully. I could tell he was very much in love with her but to this day don't really know how she felt about him.

Suddenly out of nowhere this past February she broke up with him. She seemed confident that this was what she wanted to do but I was devastated. It has been almost two months and she will barely speak to him let alone look at him.

I became very close to this child and treated him as one of my own and this breakup has devastated me. I have tried searching on the web to see if anyone else has run into the same problem as I have. I am depressed, often cry and just seem to feel like I have lost a child.

I try so hard to convince her to give him another chance but she won't. She says she does not like him anymore and has no interest in dating him again.

The whole time they were together nothing took place other than a kiss goodnight or a peck or two when they were joking around. They told each other they loved one another every day and seemed to mean it.

He was devastated when they broke up and tried a few times to get a second chance but she said no way so he gave up.

He has since moved on, not with another girl, but has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with her anymore either but I am obsessed with trying to get them back together.

Its gotten so bad that I sign onto her msn and speak to him as if I'm her just to try and patch things up in hopes that one day they will get back together. I know this is crazy but I am so obsessed with trying to get them back together than it is ruining my life.

I can't sleep, am severely depressed and have even gone to see a psychiatrist but have never told him the truth behind my depression. I have suffered from it in the past and was on medication in the past but had not taken it until again until this happened. I now am taking anti-depressants which don't work and need sleeping pills just to go to bed so my mind won't race.

I think I'm going crazy and need advice on what to do about this. Please don't think that I am in love with this child as it is nothing like that. I just felt I could make a large impact in his life and was so happy to see someone who actually appreciated the things that others take for granted.

No one knows how I feel but I'm ready to explode. I often feel like I would like to just run away or go for some intense brain therapy if there is something like that to get this obsession out of my head.

Has anyone else been in this predicament before, and if so, could you please tell me if this is going to go away or how you dealt with it.

Thanks so much!

The only thing I have experienced that is at all similar was when my best friend moved away. She and I had been young mothers together and had supported each other through some difficult times. When she moved 1000 miles away, I went through the classic stages of grief.

It sounds to me like you are stuck in the denial phase of grief.

Sometimes it is harder to go through the death of an ideal than it is to go through the death of a person. Realize that you are grieving the loss of this relationship. It is hard. I'm so sorry.

cid
19708

Thank you so much for your perspective. I've often thought the same thing.

I am pushing everyone away because I am so embarrassed by what I am feeling. My own dad passed away in October and I didn't grieve near as much as this probably because I know his loss is permanent yet I can't let go of this one because of the fact I see the child every day on his way to school and my heart breaks when he waves with a half hearted smile.

I have another appt with someone next week but I don't even have the ability to tell him to what extent this has gotten.
Thank you again. I appreciate the fact that I can get this out of my system with people who don't know me although I know I am a good person with a kind heart but feel extremely confused and embarrassed like I said previously.

cid
19814

I'm sorry you are upset. I wish I had some advice to give. I think it is great that you are seeing someone, but you should tell your psychiatrist/counselor the real reason behind your grief. They won't be able to help you as effectively if you are not honest. I know it may be hard, but you only get out of therapy what you put into it.

cid
19815

Be aware that some counselors dismiss your assessment of what the problem is. Some have been trained that clients ALWAYS mask the problem at the initial visit. This was very frustrating for me. I had taken a child in for counseling about abandonment/attachment issues, and the counselor gave assignments that treated for another issue for over 6 weeks. At that time, I asked how this treatment was supposed to help in abandonment problems. The next appointment we were given another assignment. Upon our report at the following appointment, the counselor and I were both so satisfied with our progress that that was the last appointment. Six weeks were wasted because the counselor had been trained to disregard my opinion.

cid
19825

I was thinking about your situation. You may be focusing on your grief over the teenager's relationship in order to avoid processing your grief for your father's death.

cid
19833

Agree with Sister83 and mayamay. Discuss this with your therapist and work on processing your feelings over your father's death. It is likely once you do that, you will be able to put this situation with your daughter's ex b/f into perspective.

When my son and daughter were teens it was difficult at times for me to understand why they chose to cut off a previously very close relationship. I have remained close to a number of my children's ex boy and girl friends and their families, some I talk to often, though in a very up front manner. A good question might be why you feel the need to have your daughter and this young man "back together" and not just maintain a friendship with his family and him?

cid
19846

I myself am trying to figure this all out as well. Yours is a great question. I would love to see them maintain a friendship but at this time I don't think it's possible between the two of them. She is a very strong young woman who like I noted previously says it like it is and he can't process that without being sarcastic back. She is at the point now where she just ignores him and is moving on wanting another bf just so he will be out of the picture. I think this may be because of me. She wants me to move on as well and realize he's not what she wants. I know this but it's just the voices in my head that keep telling me differently. I will be talking to my therapist on Monday so hopefully I will come clean and tell him what the real underlying factors are. Thanks for your advice.

cid
19847

You can maintain a friendship with his family and him without your daughter doing so. I talk to many of my childrens's former friends with whom my children no longer have any relationship. This young man is likely the first of many former friends of your daughter. You need to learn to deal with this in a healthy manner and allow your daughter to move on.

cid
19848

My daughter kind of did the same thing that you are talking about in your story. She had been dating a boy for almost a year when all of a sudden, she decided to break up with him. This happened very abruptly and out of the blue. Her reasoning was because she thought he became boring and was too much of a "homebody". This boy was from a less fortunate household and his family was not quite "all there". He was a lovely and a wonderful guy and treated my daughter like gold. I also kind of became his second mother because the one he had was a fruitcake and he was very embarrassed by her. Needless to say, my daughter's heart fell in love with another boy who was more exciting, outgoing, funny, and more of a match to her personality and tastes. The new BF is from a great family who's background is similar to ours and he is definitely not a "homebody". He treats my daughter well and I can see why she likes him. I do miss the other boyfriend that she had though. He was more connected to me as a parent than this new BF will ever be. All I can say is that I had to just let it go and look after my daughter first and the relationship that she has with this new BF. I do sometimes compare the two boys and I do miss the other boys ability to connect and speak to adults in a much better way than this current BF can. I just have to remember that this is my daughter's life, not mine, and if she is treated well, the boy is smart, trustworthy, polite, kind, and comes from a good background.....I need to keep my feelings and comments to myself until something goes wrong. You need to address this issue you are having about the former BF and you need to move on. Not only for your sake but also because your daughter needs that to take place as well.

cid
20322

I'm so grateful to hear that someone else is grieving with the same insane problem. I know it't NOT normal, but i can't seem to help myself. I'm obssessed with this teenage relationship between my daughter and her ex-boyfriend. I have too gone on her aol to chat and help her repair this relationship because I feel sorry for HIM???? My daughter knows i do it too, because she says - I can't handle him anymore, you try and talk to him. I talk to him and fight with him, he thinks it's her and then she will read the conversation so that she's up to speed on what he said. HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING TO ME???? MOMSN please tell me your doing better. I searched google tonight to try and diagnosis my problem, and learned alot just by reading, but more work needs to be done. Please help!

cid
21470

Wow, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time w/ this situation. In all reality, however, I think you need to back off and stay out of it. Your daughter had her reason(s) for breaking up w/ this guy, and hopefully when she's ready to talk about it, she'll come to you. There will be other boyfriends. Your daughter is just a teenager. Do you really want her to only commit to this one relationship and not experience other relationships w/ different people? Give your daughter the opportunity to get out and socialize. Let her decide who she likes. As long as the guy is respectful and kind and your daughter is happy, you shld be happy too. I think more than this, you need to look into why you latch onto and get obsessed w/ such things. If you cld get to the root of the issue, then maybe you can better address it. Also, if you seek therapy, be honest w/ yourself and w/ the dr. If you're not honest, how can you expect to get help? Try to focus on being there to support your daughter, and also work on helping yourself overcome your grief. I wld stop conversating w/ the ex-BF b/c your misleading him and interfering w/ something that is over and done w/. Accept things for what they are and move on.

cid
21500

Great advice!

cid
21506

I feel so much better to hear im not the only one. My daughter is only 13 though and this is crazy i know. I do the same things...she was so happy to date this young man a few months ago and now all she wants to do is talk to other boys. This boy comes from a great family, similar background. i know my daughter will date so many others but i feel she is not treating this boy the right way. i am trying to teach her how to be a good girlfriend and respect and love who you are with and remain with only one person at a time. My husband and i have a healthy relationship and are very happy but when it comes to my daughters life i want to control all of it. i know i should not have agreed to let her date at a young age, but at the time she seemed matured enough and it seemed harmless. i too talk to this boy for her when she is so busy with other friends and activities...she knows and i fill her in on the conversations. i have my own life and career but since have been so interested in her life...its starting to drive me crazy. i cry all the time...i recently lost my father and i also feel guilty about my own past relationships from a very young age. its almost like i am trying to live my old life through my daughter...this is so sad.

cid
23027

I think that acknowledging problems is a great first step. What are you thinking about doing so that you can change from this slightly nutty behavior to being a better mom for your daughter?

cid
23030

You are right, your 13 y/o is way too young to be dating. She is doing what she should be doing at 13, talking to boys. You should consider getting help to work through your grief and allow your daughter to live her own life, without this interference from you. You do not want her to feel the same guilt about her past relationships when she is older.

cid
23031

Well I'm glad I found this site because, I too, am hearbroken over my daughter and her boyfriend breaking up. He initiated the breakup after they had been discussing doing so on and off after she had to move home for school. They shared an apartment for a year and had been dating for 2 years but knew each other before that. They didn't get to spend a lot of time together after she moved out because of school/work and he's also in a band. I think all of this contributed to the break-up. I had a connection with this boy that I cannot break. Even my cranky husband liked him. He went on a couple of vacations with us and visited often and I cared about him like he was my son. The day they broke up he came to our house and it was so emotional - he gave me this big hug and thanked me for everything but he was crying. My daughter was devastated and for 2 weeks she barely ate and lost weight but finally recovered after talking to a school counselor. (He was her first serious relationship.) They had talked on and off a couple of times in the month or so after and she had seen him because they have mutual friends and whenever he did, he'd always sit right next to her, etc. Since then, he said he realized he made a huge mistake and had been trying to win my daughter back for 5 months. He also said he wanted "his family" back. My daughter really wants to maintain a friendship with him and she told me she'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all but he isn't able to to do that right now. She started seeing someone else about six weeks after the breakup and he's nice and treats her well but this new guy is a much different personality than the former boyfriend and I don't see the same connection between them. I don't feel like there's any passion - it's like they're too similar or something. With her former boyfriend, they seemed so right for each other and would always be giggling together and he was very affectionate and protective of her. They did have squabbles now and then but it was never anything huge. The relationship had passion which this new one does not. The new guy is passive in comparison and I actually worry about her if they travel outside the country because I don't feel like he'd be able to protect her if something happened. Anyway, I do keep in touch with the former boyfriend via texting on occasion and he said he always wants to be friends which I'm happy about. I respect his privacy and don't contact him often but miss him so much. Honestly, he felt like he belonged in our lives. At one point, she had been texting back and forth with him, I think trying to maintain the friendship she wanted and confided to me that she had been thinking about trying it again with him (or at least that's what she told me). The former got upset with her because he isn't able to have a friendly relationship since he's still in love with her. Now they aren't talking again but I believe she still has feelings for him. I keep hoping she'll acknowledge these feelings at some point to determine for certain whether he is right for her or not.

cid
23791

Hi
I have done this before, once when my daughter was only 13 and I became obsessed with her being with this boy who was crazy about her. Now my daughter is 17, and just broke up with her boyfriend of almost 2 years. I really liked him , he was a family member and like a son, Part of me wanted this breakup because she is so young still and they were so serious. But now the thought of him with another girl is so hard to imagine. I think I cannot believe he would replace my daughter with some one else. I think we all want to see our kids loved and have some one who thinks they are great, etc. I can relate completely, and I too wish I could be more normal and not be so overwhelmed with this. I have a therapist and she is great, I always feel better after I see her but I slide back easily. Maybe if my daughter finds someone else who is great and she is happy I will feel better.

cid
24678

I have a 16 year old daughter that is in her first serious relationship. The problem is, she is still in the relationship and I have become obsessed with keeping them together. They have been dating about 6 months and this boy could not be sweeter and nicer to her. We really like him and his family. They have no problems at all between them, see each other at school and have fun when they are together. However, they spend more time texting each other than actually being together. They are both super busy with in school and after school activities and sometimes go weeks without being together (such as watching a movie, hanging out with friends) due to schedules. I know this is 100% perfectly normal for busy kids and I should be happy that they have sports and school interests, but I just worry non-stop (and I mean non stop) that they will break up from not actually being with each other. Other moms comment how lucky I am that the BF or GF is not constantly around for kids this young! I check our online cell phone accounts all the time to be sure they are still texting each other! I look at their Facebook walls everyday! I have gone nuts about this relationship and do not know what to do to stop. I am a college educated, happily married mom with a great life and great children!! When I ask my daughter about their relationship, she says they are perfectly happy and both understand that they are busy and get together when they can. If I suggest her boyfriend come over on an evening or day I know they are not busy, she gets very upset and says this is her relationship. I know I should let go (especially since both of them seem happy!), but I cannot get the thought of both of them out of my head. I am always looking at the calendar and suggesting dates to her when she could possibly see him instead of just texting him. I know this makes her very upset but I keep doing it. I guess I am so used to the old fashion way of actually "seeing each other" as the way to date and not 10 minutes at school each day and texting as the grounds of a relationship. Does anyone have any suggestions to clear my head of this? It has taken over my life and the ridiculous thing is..they are together!!! They are going to the Fall Ball at the high school in two weeks and both are excited and planning dinner here at my home before. Why do I feel I need to basically stalk this relationship and know everything that is going on and want to see this boy more with my daughter if he is her "boyfriend"??? Any help for a normally rational, fun-loving mom would be great. And yes, this is my oldest child and the first true "boyfriend" that has been around!

cid
24705

I am going through nearly the same thing. I stumbled upon this site, looking to find out if other moms have this issue. I am so embarrassed about this, and I can't talk to anyone about it. My daughter's boyfriend recently broke up with her. He was a very nice young man, very respectful, and they were both only 14 years old. So it was very difficult for me to even let my daughter 'date' him. But after meeting his family, him, finding out we were from very similar backgrounds, all parents decided we would allow this. They always had chaperoned visits, and had rules that they had to follow....such as no kissing. They respected the rules. Well, I spent a lot of time with this young man and his family, and well, I am just devasted about the break up.

I want so badly to let it go, but it seems like I can't. They would text each other from the time they woke up until they went to bed. My daughter was so happy with this young man, but both would become extremely jeolous over other people...that was part of the problem. So, in a way the break up was a good thing, BUT, the young men then started dating another girl within 2 weeks of the breakup. This has really disappointed me, as they seemed to care for each other so much. My daughter is moving on, but I don't seem to be able to. I constantly check thier facebook pages to see if they are communicating at all...and they aren't. They were the best of friends before dating, and while they were dating. In fact, they were best friends for at least 4 months before they dated...So, I have been use to seeing my daughter text him all day long for nearly a year.

Now, it seems so quiet, and although she is texting to others, its simply not the same. Her face always lit up when she was texting this young man. It's hard for me to see the change in her behavior and agree with it.

It's weird, but I cried for nearly 3 days when she started dating the young man (because I didn't want her to, but knew she would probably do it behind my back anyway)...and NOW I have been sad, depressed, and crying since the breakup!!!

I became so attached to this young man, and how happy he made my daughter. I wonder, at times, if I am missing seeing that spark in my daughter or if I am mourning my own teenage years and past heartbreaks.

I do know this, I HATE the way I feel, and what I seem to becoming. I never thought that something like this would happen to me. I feel like I am grieving so badly.

This has got to stop. I really want to be normal and really want my life back! Help if you can!

cid
25591

I am so glad I found this! I seem to be obsessed with my 15yr old daughter's relationship--just as others are with their daughter's.
This is her 1st "real" boyfriend and I really like him. He is perfect for her. She didnt even know who he was at school...he saw her and then just chased after her. She realized she liked him and now they are together.
He is very affectionate and complimentary to her etc..he even tells her he thinks he is falling in love with her. They have been together a month or so.
He was so into txtg her and talking to her constantly in the beginning. Now he seems like he doesnt want to as much. She worries about it and gets upset which in turn gets me upset. I check the phone log to see if he has contacted her or not daily. IT drieves me insane. I check his FBook as well. I feel stupid..but I dont want my daughter taken advantage of :/
I guess Im just so afraid of him hurting her and I try to advise her on what to do to keep him and not let him run over her at the same time. She gets mad at me at times. I dont want to impose my views on her and I want her to handle it herself...but its so hard to stand by and not say anything.
I just dont understand why he would be so overly attentive with the txtg/calling and then just back off so much??? I really like him and would be really upset myself if they broke up--as I know my daughter woudl be too.
Whats wrong with me and why do I care so much..I know others will like her. I jsut want her to be with him. I just feel he is a perfect fit for her.
What should I do from this point? How can I be the mom she needs and still help her with her realtionship if I cant stop obsessing??

cid
25640

That there are other people who have the same disorder as you do is probably comforting, but don't be tricked into thinking it is normal. It is not. If you can't re-direct your energy and attend to things that are more appropriate, you need to see a therapist. If it is an anxiety disorder, which is what it seems like to me, then psychologist' interventions have a high success rate.

cid
26296

Is your mother living? Start a casual conversation about the relationships you had at age 15. It might help you get some perspective.

cid
26546

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_uatVXadgo

Some frogs will still be frogs, and some dogs will still be dogs, and some boys will become men.

Just DON'T kiss us 'til then.

cid
27913

What other interests do you have? I am finding lots of cool things on the internet--TED talks, for instance. Are there ways you could be involved in the community, to make some new friends?

cid
28246

Pel, why would you invite an ex to something that your daughter is forced to attend and be polite? Definitely not fair on her. She is your daughter and he is only an ex.

cid
28288

Great idea snowasu

cid
28292

So glad I found this discussion again. I am better after counseling and meds, bu am still grieving over the loss of the friendship with my daughter's ex. i feel like i have lost a child. They go to different colleges and don't speak. He had a rebound relationship after their breakup 18 months ago; that nearly killed me and my daughter. The two of them had dated 2 years and were incredibly close and he was part of our family. She dates, but has not had a boyfriend since the breakup. He is on girlfriend number 2. It bothers me that they are not fb friends (she defriended him) and that there are no pics of her on his, even though they spent every minute of high school together. They have texted some and she saw him once, but other than that, no contact. I still feel that once he's sewed his wild oats he will come back. is that delusional? I know that she could do better, but i can't stop hoping. he is an athlete and I see pics of him online. So glad i am not alone!

cid
28640

Several counselors, and you are on medication and still suffering? You say you are unable to share this with anyone--does that mean you haven't told your counselors what your obsession is?

cid
28648

Have a private session with your counselor, check what level of confidentiality s/he is professionally bound to, and then, if you are confident that the information will be kept confidential, TELL. You can't expect to be treated successfully if the person doesn't even know what the problem is. In the US, unless there is a criminal act involved, psychologists are required to keep anything they learn during therapy absolutely confidential.

cid
28653

SHE IS 12. Come on. Do you really want her to have a serious relationship at that age? She has a whole life in front of her and perhaps it is better she worked on her education at the moment. Maybe you need to get a hobby to keep you interested and not trying to finish off her childhood for her.

cid
29116

Get yourself a good and absorbing hobby. seriously!

cid
29480