Obsessed with Daughters Relationship - FamilyEducation
Obsessed with Daughters Relationship
04/14/2010 at 17:39 PM

I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter (almost 16) who is very independent and the total opposite of me when it comes to self confidence. She is very sure of herself and doesn't seem to have a problem telling people exactly what she thinks.

At the end of the school year she met a young man (16) with whom she began a relationship immediately. She was going away for the summer but spent every waking minute with him until she left. The day we put her on the bus to camp, it was devastating for me and later found out was for him as well. He came back to our house and sat and cried because he was going to miss her so much.

During the summer, I went to visit my daughter and took him with me. We got along very well and developed a healthy adult/teen relationship. He was from a single family and didn't have much in life. Since we are fairly wealthy, I didnt seem to think that it would hurt to provide for him while he was with our family. He would go on weekend trips with us, spend most of his free time at our house and cottage as well.

During the time that they dated, he respected her fully. I could tell he was very much in love with her but to this day don't really know how she felt about him.

Suddenly out of nowhere this past February she broke up with him. She seemed confident that this was what she wanted to do but I was devastated. It has been almost two months and she will barely speak to him let alone look at him.

I became very close to this child and treated him as one of my own and this breakup has devastated me. I have tried searching on the web to see if anyone else has run into the same problem as I have. I am depressed, often cry and just seem to feel like I have lost a child.

I try so hard to convince her to give him another chance but she won't. She says she does not like him anymore and has no interest in dating him again.

The whole time they were together nothing took place other than a kiss goodnight or a peck or two when they were joking around. They told each other they loved one another every day and seemed to mean it.

He was devastated when they broke up and tried a few times to get a second chance but she said no way so he gave up.

He has since moved on, not with another girl, but has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with her anymore either but I am obsessed with trying to get them back together.

Its gotten so bad that I sign onto her msn and speak to him as if I'm her just to try and patch things up in hopes that one day they will get back together. I know this is crazy but I am so obsessed with trying to get them back together than it is ruining my life.

I can't sleep, am severely depressed and have even gone to see a psychiatrist but have never told him the truth behind my depression. I have suffered from it in the past and was on medication in the past but had not taken it until again until this happened. I now am taking anti-depressants which don't work and need sleeping pills just to go to bed so my mind won't race.

I think I'm going crazy and need advice on what to do about this. Please don't think that I am in love with this child as it is nothing like that. I just felt I could make a large impact in his life and was so happy to see someone who actually appreciated the things that others take for granted.

No one knows how I feel but I'm ready to explode. I often feel like I would like to just run away or go for some intense brain therapy if there is something like that to get this obsession out of my head.

Has anyone else been in this predicament before, and if so, could you please tell me if this is going to go away or how you dealt with it.

Thanks so much!

My 15 year old sophomore daughter started "talking to" a 17 year old senior in September. He is well spoken, kind, shy, and obviously liked her alot. We waived our "no dating until 16" rule after meeting him, and they went on one date. That same night, she told him she only wanted to be friends. She doesn't want a relationship right now. She was trying to let him down easy, but he wouldn't stop I'm not sure how it ended, because she quit telling me all the drama. But I find myself hoping she will change her mind and go out with him. Rationally, I know this is stupid...she's clearly not interested, he wants a relationship and she doesn't, he's going to college next year, and she is still in high school. Most mothers would be thrilled that their daughter has such a good head on her shoulders. But I think about them getting together all the time. I cry over this, wake up in the night thinking of it.
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28244

continued....I think my current circumstances are part of the problem...I have been unemployed for over a year and a half, we moved to a new state away from all my friends and family, and my husband works 2 jobs and I never see him. Anyway, it was so encouraging to find other people with the same problems. I think I will just back out of being interested in her life this way...no more snooping the facebook and text messages.
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28245

What other interests do you have? I am finding lots of cool things on the internet--TED talks, for instance. Are there ways you could be involved in the community, to make some new friends?
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28246

I have done some volunteering at the school and become team mom for the volleyball team. Waiting for basketball season so I can help there as well. I have made a few friends, but they are very busy working moms, and I feel like the needy, unemployed stranger. I taught school down south, but need to return to school to get certified here, and there is no money for this. I have spent my life helping other people, and now there is no one to help except my daughter, who doesn't want/need it. Doing some part time retail work, but it is so mind numbingly boring, all I do is obsess. Believe it or not, just reading these posts has made me feel better, knowing other moms have the same feelings as me. Thanks for responding. Like someone else said, it is a day by day thing!
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28247

although I have always been welcoming and friendly to the ones my kids are dating, I have never gone to the extent you did.for whatever reason, your daughter made her decision.you don't know that something else did not transpire between them when you were not present.I would not push that issue though.the former boy/girlfriends of my kids are still on good terms with us, for the most part.my kids know that I respect whatever their reasons were for not being with that person anymore, but if those kids want to talk or stop by and say hi I will open the door and invite them in.by all means, don't cut the boy completely out of your lives, but respect your daughter's decision.maybe not take him to the cottage, but have him over for cookouts or whatever.if your daughter chooses not to speak to him, that is her choice.my kids know that if *I* have invited one of their exes to something they are expected to at least by polite and civil.anything beyond that is up to them.
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28273

My friend that I have talked to some has told me to get a life of my own. I need to let her make her own decisions and I am doing a lot better now. He has texted me once to thank me but never apologized for threatening me. He boy still texts her once every few weeks and has send her a long facebook message and called her at midnight on her birthday. She ignores him and I am so glad she is getting stronger everyday now. The boy in our case turned out bad, turned out he wanted to be more of a liar and cheat than to be a decent guy. We tried to help him in any way we could and he abused it and mistreated it so we are way better off but it still hurt because we treated him like part family.
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28281

Pel, why would you invite an ex to something that your daughter is forced to attend and be polite? Definitely not fair on her. She is your daughter and he is only an ex.
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28288

have you thought about other ways that you can impact peoples lives? Like maybe volunteering somewhere or being a mentor to someone? I have not dealt with something like this with my kids, but I have dealt with grief and depression. I have found that for me, helping people makes me feel better, so I try to volunteer when I have the chance. Hope you feel better soon ;)
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28289

Great idea snowasu
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28292

I have a similar problem. My 15 year old daughter has been best friends with a 15 year old boy she attends high school with. They went to homecoming dance in 9th grade and have been inseparable friends ever since. Last month, he revealved his feelings of wanting to be more than friends to her and she got scared and pushed him away. He's now seeing another girl on the rebound and she won't talk to him because she can't handle situation now. I am devastated as this kid was like a son to me and me and his mom became close friends. She's being stubborn. They need to talk because she has the same feelings for him, but won't tell him cause she's scared or not ready to get out of the friend zone. If she waits too long, she will lose him forever as a friend or otherwise. I'm taking her to a counselor to learn how to talk out her feelings which will hopefully help her with future relationships, friendship or dating.
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28499

I would love to get some advice on my obsession! My 16yo daughter had a crush on an older boy. He was a player in a sporting group we are heavily involved in. Never thought it would happen but by the end of the year, he returned her feelings, and a brief relationship started. I say brief because after a few weeks he decided that it was over. no explanation given. She was hurt, I was hurt too, to be honest. Now i seem to be fixated on her relationships. She has rebound onto another boy that doesnt seem that interested. I find myself always involved in wat she is doing. My head is obsessed with both boys. Checking up on them on facebook, thinking about them. Im desperate for her to find a boyfriend...Im a losing my mind, im teary all the time and i feel very emabarrased to admit it. HELP!
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28639

So glad I found this discussion again. I am better after counseling and meds, bu am still grieving over the loss of the friendship with my daughter's ex. i feel like i have lost a child. They go to different colleges and don't speak. He had a rebound relationship after their breakup 18 months ago; that nearly killed me and my daughter. The two of them had dated 2 years and were incredibly close and he was part of our family. She dates, but has not had a boyfriend since the breakup. He is on girlfriend number 2. It bothers me that they are not fb friends (she defriended him) and that there are no pics of her on his, even though they spent every minute of high school together. They have texted some and she saw him once, but other than that, no contact. I still feel that once he's sewed his wild oats he will come back. is that delusional? I know that she could do better, but i can't stop hoping. he is an athlete and I see pics of him online. So glad i am not alone!
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28640

You have described exactly what I am going through! I too have been in incredible distress for the past nine months. My daughter is 18, a senior in hs, very beautiful and intelligent, but has few friends and never a steady boyfriend. She began seeing a boy 9 months ago and immediately I started obsessing about them. He seems perfect for her--smart, sweet, honest, good family, someone who could make her very happy, etc. From the start it was apparent that he was not as interested as she was, but has never totally rejected her, either. So all these months while they have been seeing each other occasionally I have been in constant anxiety, trying to decipher his motives, reading her text messages while she is in the shower, going on her fb to investigate, reading her diary, making suggestions to her and worrying that she does things to drive him away, panicking that I gave the wrong advice or should have given more advice, rationalizing, seizing upon every glimmer of hope.(more…)
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28642

I am unable to accept the idea that he does not really want her and have interfered with her attempts to accept it. This sick obsession with the idea of the two of them has taken over my life and is ruining it! I feel like I am living life through her, and nothing in the world matters but this relationship. It is irrational and destructive, I know, but I am unable to shut off my brain and it is torture. I think about it every minute of every day, and because I am completely alone in this, unable to tell anyone, I have no tolerance for the company of my husband, family, coworkers, friends. I have no appetite or desire to eat (5’8” and now 112 lb). I have no interest in my hobbies, work, taking care of the house. (more…)
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28643

I am paralyzed by this fixation. I cry all the time, even at work. Waking up in the morning is the worst; I wish I could just never wake up and face this pain again. I dread going into town or to school for fear that I may see him with another girl--the very thought makes me feel faint. But when something “good” happens (rare), like a promising text or conversation she shares with me, I go straight from despair to elation, bustle about the house, start up conversations with my husband, go shopping. The cloud lifts temporarily, but because this relationship is not going to work, it is never very long (maybe a day) before I am plunged back into utter despair and feel like I am going to die, it is so unbearable. (more…)
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28644

I have been to several counselors and am on medication, but so far nothing has changed. Journaling has been my only outlet, but I am terrified that my journal might be found and my daughter will realize what is happening. I am afraid that soon I will completely break down and end up ruining not only my own life but the lives of those I love most. She is not my only child! So far I do not know the solution to this problem. I know it stems from love and wanting happiness for my daughter, and probably is related to guilt and regrets from the past. Hopefully sharing my experience will not discourage those who read this, but may provide some measure of reassurance that there are some who can fully empathize.
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28645

Several counselors, and you are on medication and still suffering? You say you are unable to share this with anyone--does that mean you haven't told your counselors what your obsession is?
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28648

I have not been able to tell anyone at all, including counselors. This issue feels so personal and close to my heart(not to mention embarrassing and twisted) that I could only share it with people who have the same problem. No one can fix it unless they know how to turn my brain off so I can escape my own thoughts! The counselors all say they want to include my husband in our sessions, but I would rather die than have anyone in my family find out about this. So I am hesitant to tell them the details. The problem is in my own head--it surprises me that a therapist would not recognize and respect that it is personal, or at least not try to include him without even knowing the problem. Also I think a man could never identify with the way I feel. So I really don't think they are going to be able to help. It's a lonely and desperate feeling.
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28651

Have a private session with your counselor, check what level of confidentiality s/he is professionally bound to, and then, if you are confident that the information will be kept confidential, TELL. You can't expect to be treated successfully if the person doesn't even know what the problem is. In the US, unless there is a criminal act involved, psychologists are required to keep anything they learn during therapy absolutely confidential.
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28653

As a young man to whom this happened more than once, let me assure you that if your daughter doesn't want to date the boy, she won't. That's ok, tho. Your daughter is very young, but deserves respect in her relationships as long as she is not abusing her body, abusing another's body, or intentionally hurting someone (i.e. stringing boys along for no reason). She has a reason for what she's done. You can try to talk to her to find out what that reason is, but when she tells you, you must respect her wish and right to date who she wants without trying to convince her she made a bad choice. If she's a good girl, an honest girl, and a smart girl, and has earned your trust, then you need to trust her decision and support her. She will choose a very fine young man eventually. But a relationship at 15-years-old is nothing for you as a parent to get worked up over as long as there's no chance of teen pregnancy or abuse of any kind.
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28684

I know exactly what you are going through. My daughter,who is almost 18, has recently broken up with a bf of 3 years. I have obsessed like crazy over this. It has been 5 months since they broke up, with the exception of them spending winter break together. She is now dating someone else, however I feel so strongly that she belongs with the other guy. I am in therapy and on antidepressants but I still get very sad. So strange, because they both claim to be happier. They had a break up a couple years ago that sent me into a deep depression and weight loss. It was awful. My therapist believes much of my obsession stems from the loss of intimacy in my own life. He is probably right, as my husband and I are quite distant from each other. Hopefully with some self exploration I can get through this without chasing my daughter away forever as she hates it when I even mention HER ex's name.
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28754

I just registered because I want to say I am so happy to find out I am not the only one feeling like this. My daughter is older (22) and she and her significant other lived in my home due to financial situations. I got very close to him and was able to provide "mothering", direction and stability that he never had growing up. Their breakup was bad and very messy, but I can relate to the ones feeling like you've lost a child of your own, as I know I may never talk to him one-on-one again. It's only been about 2 weeks now since they broke up but it's been really hard on me. I do find the "talking to the boy over the internet as the daughter" quite strange. Those of you doing that should think about getting some talk therapy. Anyway, I just want to say a big "thank you" to all of you for this discussion, I never expected to grieve over this young man like I would my own child. I know things will get better, it's just getting through the grief stage.
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29008

So glad to have stumbled upon this. i've been suffering the blues over my daughter's rejection of her boyfriend of 2.5 years. he was devastated and i wanted so much for them to get back together to no avail. She had been so loving and caring towards him and then just out of the blue said it just faded. A month after, i'm still broken hearted...like i lost a son. How long does this go on for most of you? And what should i do to heal? i couldn't stop checking on him because we are the most stable family he ever had...financially and emotionally. i am too worried about him. All i do is pray for both of them and wish they get back together.
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29065

Hi mhoover....just take things one day at a time. There will be "grieving" days and there will be good days, allow yourself to have both. Try to stop checking on him if you can. Even though it feels like they are our children...they are not. We have to accept and move on, it just takes time. I unfriended my "son" on Facebook finally, I just had to disconnect. I choose to not go out there on his Facebook. I will also be choosing to keep a friendly "distance" between myself and any future boyfriend(s), I don't think I could take something like this happening again!
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29072

I can't believe I have found this forum. . My daughter ,who is 12, started dating her brother's best friend 3 months (also 12). We saw him a lot because of his friendship with my son. They would bring gifts for each other and say I love you. The day school started again she took him to the side and told him she wanted to break up and be friends. I was devastated when I heard. I know his mother, sister dad and feel uncomfortable. Now there is a new girl in the picture, as I saw on Instagram. I knew it was comming but I am so mad he moved on so fast. I'm also mad my daughter can't figure out her feeling out and I can't help my involvement. Am I going to keep going through this. She's 12 what am I going to do later!!!! I really want her to be with this boy but she doesn't have enough feelings for him anymore. Worried she may of lost out on one of the best boyfriends she could of had! So tierd of thinking about this. Help please!!!
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29115

SHE IS 12. Come on. Do you really want her to have a serious relationship at that age? She has a whole life in front of her and perhaps it is better she worked on her education at the moment. Maybe you need to get a hobby to keep you interested and not trying to finish off her childhood for her.
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29116

.
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29134

you are so right, I agree with it all. not your child and you have to forget and NEVER be friends with any of her boyfriends again.
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29135

wow never thought i would come across a discussion like this, i have been a little unhappy when my oldest who is 19 had broken it off with a bestie and later a boyfriend whom also called me mom but i didnt obsess after they broke up that sounds a little unnormal to me. sounds like you are trying to live through your child kinda like those pageant moms lol. you need to let her live her own life she must not of had feelings for him or she wouldnt of broke it off. im sure years down the road you will look back and laugh. and as for the mother with the 12 year old, sorry but, your child is way to young to understand love and affection in a grown up way. she will have many boyfriends im sure. but i would hope you dont encourage anything too serios at 12 mabe 16 or older.
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29147

I think if my daughter did not still love her ex I wouldn't either. I think I love him because I know she still hurts and wants him to want her. I do feel nuts and I should be able to let it go my daughter is 15 and will probably be in love many more times. The worst part is I don't know if he is the one for her. I just wish I could let it go
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29254

I can't describe how glad I am I found someone in the exact same torturing situation I have been living for more than two years now!! I am terribly obsessed with my daughter's ex relationship, I am seriosly damaging her confidence! I don't understand why this is happening, either because I "fell in love" with the love story I would have liked to live or I have even thought of this being a spell! I have foundI have an OCD personality, so this is severely affecting my life. How can this even happen?? Of course it is embarassing and I can see how you even avoid openly speaking of this with your therapist, I have never done it either!! This obsession is really killing me! I think of it all day and sometimes night long. PLEASE let me know if you find good help! I really need support and what you describe is exactly what I am going through. Thanks and deep from my heart I wish we can get over this the soonest! We need to get our heart, mind and life back!
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29477

I feel awfully glad I found moms in my exact same situation! I have been obsessed with my daughter's bf and relationship for more than 2 years!! She decided to break up months ago, the relationship had gotten too hurtful for her, he was leaving for college, she even waited for school to end so she wouldn ome accross him anywhere to make thing easier. She is wise, healthy and strong girl! She is very well and does not want to go back. I am the one suffering so much!! i think of this day and night! I have idealized their relationship and evidently fell in love with their love story and am transfering my dreams into my daughter, I am the one with the obsession and I beg anyone that finds a way out to share your solutions with me!! it is embarasing and hard to admit this crazy situation. I seriously need to regain my heart, mind and life for all my family's and own sake!!
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29478

Get yourself a good and absorbing hobby. seriously!
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29480

Same is happening to me. I have become painlfully obsessed with my daughters teenage relationship that ended 6 mos ago and lasted around 20 mos. everything seemed so ideal and perfect, both first love for each other and everything in common. I focused on their relationship completely abandoning my own life and relationship with my husband. My hsband and I have been growing distant since many years ago though and it so happened that we have been even geographically distant because of his job. It completely makes sense! It may stem on our loss of intimacy and closeness! And I feel bad for polluting my daughter's life and loosing my own. Your comment enlightened me a lot. Thanks and I hope we all find our way back to peace and mental healh.
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29482

.My daughter is 15 years old and her boyfriend is 17. They have had a long distance relationship for 2 years. We are flying him to our home for a week this summer. I read their text communication on Facebook. He is so sweet, loving, and a talented musician. The problem is that I think I am more in love with him than she is. This young man has also had a troubled family life and I think I just want to mother him but it seems like more. It seems like maybe it is triggering a love addiction in me. I know it's just a matter of time before they break up because they are so young. Also it has kind of been a fantasy relationship and I wonder when they do get together whether he will still be attracted. She is putting on weight, is very tough and masculine acting and can be mean to those who love her. She pushes people away. Mostly I want to be able to free myself from this obssession
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29621

is anyone still following this topic? I would love updates?
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29950

I cannot believe I found this site. I am hoping there is some good feedback because I am in the same sitaution? Is there a name for this obsession? My daughter just turned 14 and was best friends with a guy for two years they started seriously dateing about 3 months ago, and he is head over heels in love with her and she is trying to cool it off and i am so upset! he is the sweetest guy and I know she is so young I need help :)
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29951

Anyone still following this? I would love to see how things are going, or find people currently going though this. My 17 year old son just broke up with his girlfriend of two years, and I am miserable.
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30053

Yes, I have been following it for 2 1/2 years. DD is in a new relationship and I keep my distance and don't want to become too close or attached.
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30054

My 21 yr old daughter and her 26 yr boyfriend broke up 2 weeks ago and I feel the same way. When you figure it out let me know. I guess we just got to involved in their relationship.
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30090

Feel the same way.
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30091

Well, my daughter is 26 and just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years! He was close with our family and went on many vacations with us. She has 2 brothers who really like him, and they are hard to please! It has been difficult for me, and I too, feel there is something wrong with me. I know in my head that it is none of my business, but my heart aches for him. His love for her was so touching. Well, how do I get over this? I pray every day for him (not her) that God will comfort him and watch over him and send him someone else to love him like he deserves to be loved. These are things that we as moms have to let go and not get involved with as difficult as it is, believe me I know. Stay calm and carry on--life is tough!
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30106

Yes, I am still following this thread. My 16yo broke up with her bf 4 months ago, both have new people in their lives, both seem to be happy but I can't seem to let them go. Honestly, I feel ridiculous. They were 16, did I really think they would get married? Just the thought of him replacing my daughter has torn me up. I see pictures of him with his new girl and he looks so happy. I miss him. I love this kid, seeing him happy should make me happy, but it only makes me sad. And my daughter has a new boyfriend that seems really sweet but I just don't feel it. I am numb. I can't let anyone else that close to me again. They have both moved on, I think they both still have feeling for each other but the timing is just not right. They are happy now and I journal and pray every day that I will let this go and be happy too. Funny thing though, I prayed for weeks that God would take my daughter's pain from her heart and give it to me. Be careful what you ask for, huh?
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30125

I don't know if anyone is still following this, but I'm going through the same thing and it's both a relief and heartbreaking to read other moms' stories. I feel like I'm way too caught up in my daughter's relationship, and it's affecting my health and my own relationship with my husband. I feel just as crazy and out of control and am also seeing a therapist and getting meds for this. Sounds like this is not as uncommon as I thought, just want to get these thougbts out of my head! If others are going thru this, maybe we shouldn't beat ourselves up, but try to understand why we're doing this to help find solutions. For me, I feel like I want for her what I didn't have, but desperately wanted at that age. It feels twisted to admit, but it's like I'm able to "feel" the romance, excitement, joy and pain thru her.
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30160

I know it's not real, but it's kind of tapping into my teen self and dragging up issues and pain from that time in my life. It's maybe also a lack of excitement and novelty in my own life, as well as the fear and sadness over my daughter separating from me and having her own life. It's hard as moms to give up that control even when we know it's the right thing to do. We need to stop beating ourselves up over this and let go of the shame, as we're clearly not alone in this. It's not easy, but now my daughter's growing up and finding who she is, I need to get back to my life, not just as a mom and wife, but as just me and who I am. I have been consumed by motherhood, but I have to try not to fill my life with hers, or make her life mine. Taking it one day at a time...
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30163

I would love to talk to someone about this
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30203

Just a mom 13, would love to talk. My daughter and her boyfriend have been together for 5 years, went to college together and recently moved back home to save money...both of them. I don't like the idea, but I love my daughter and her boyfriend. He doesn't have a lot of family support. He recently has become obsessed with his wants and hobbies and was paying little attention to my daughter, she ended up studying with a kid from her class and one thing led to another. She immediately felt bad, told her boyfriend and they are working on things. I've been so mad at her and felt so bad for him, but I've found my self obsessing, worrying, having anxiety and making myself sick. I know they have been together since a young age, and they are going to run into road blocks. I believe how sorry she is. What I'm wondering is he just staying because he has no other options? He said he can forgive get one time. They say they are better than ever, but living under my roof I constantly worried.
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30208

I would be happy to talk
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30209

I am going through something similar but am hoping that time will heal things a bit since the break up is fairly recent. In reading all of the posts, I find it interesting that we are all moms obsessing over our daughter's relationships or break ups. Why is it that we do not obsess about our son's relationships in this way?
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30262

Wow, I am glad I found this thread. I feel so much better that I am not alone in this. I am not sure if anyone is still checking this thread but nonetheless It is probably just going to feel better writing this down and knowing that from the thread that others feel similar to myself. I have thought that I am going crazy and I have talked to friends and they just don't really understand. My 16 year old daughter was in a relationship with a boy who I adored for one year and 8 days. the relationship has been over almost three weeks now. I have not been able to stop thinking about it, I have cried, I have listened to sad songs, I have obsessed checking online on twitter and facebook to see if I can find anything out about what or how he is doing! Please continue to read my posts below as I had too many words for one post. I have a lot to say.
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30403