Not sure what to do...and still really angry - FamilyEducation
Not sure what to do...and still really angry
05/17/2010 at 16:54 PM

I found out on Saturday that my 15y.o. Daughter got naked for her boyfriend. I was upset with her about something and didn't think she was being honest with me so I and asked to look at her phone (as I'm allowed since I pay the bill). Scrolling through her messages I came across one that stated she would get naked for her boyfriend. I immediately asked her to explain this text to me. After an hour of "I don't knows" and "just because", I finally found out that she had gotten naked in front of him about 2 months ago. According to her, no touching, etc...but now he seems to be ready to "do more". She told him that she isn't ready, he doesn't understand but she told me that she may be ready soon. URGH...!!! She doesn't regret the getting naked for him and said it isn't a big deal. I am so angry with her but trying to temper it because I don't want to shame her because that isn't right either but they are TOO YOUNG and really not mature enough to be doing these things. She is so smart except when it comes to this boy. I can't trust her judgment when it comes to him but I can't get her to hear me when it comes to sexual stuff. I can't talk to my family about it because I don't want it to change how they view her (she's my only child and the first grandchild). Her father is no help, he will go crazy and try to lock her up and none of my friends have teenagers so they really don't relate to anything I am going through. I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm so tired and feel like I can burst into tears at any moment. I always thought I'd handle this stuff when it came around but honestly I didn't think it would be at 15.

Her father sounds like a good man. Let him handle it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think her father should know what is going on, but agree that it might be better to leave him out of it if you really think he will literaly go crazy and lock her up. I think the best thing for you to do at this point is to keep talking to your daughter about intimacy and relationships. You are right to avoid "shaming" her. I think we really need to empower young girls and teach them self-respect and confidence. Talk to her about the emotional upheaval and general awkwardness that having sex at a young age causes. Talk to her about the psychological reasons she should wait. Try to find out why she wanted to "get naked" in front of her boyfriend. What did she feel like she was gaining by doing this? If she is thinking about having sex (and you indicated that she is), I would get her to a gyno ASAP for birth control and a general discussion about disease and pregnancy prevention. If she thinks she wants to have sex, she has to be willing to go to the doctor and get an exam.

Wake up! That your daughter made it to 15 without having sex is already remarkable. Kids start running into sexual situations with peers far earlier these days. And remember, their bodies are telling them it's time to make babies. In the middle ages, she'd have already had a baby or two. I'm with Sister83. Get her to the doctor and on birth control. You cannot stop her eventual maturity, but you can see to it she has the information she needs to be prepared and in control.

No, it is not remarkable that your daughter made it to 15 without having sex. The perception that "everybody is doing it" is so whacko. Check out this site

Now, I'm not advocating having sex at 15. I'm just in the camp that thinks young people should be educated about birth control and health risks. I think when these discussions are avoided and teens get caught up in a moment of "passion" it is more likely that they will end up having unportected sex. For what it's worth, as far as that website goes, it shows that 44% of teens in the US are sexually active in the United States by the 10th grade, but the figure varies based on the state. Anyway, it shouldn't matter whether everyone is doing it or not. I do think that there are worse things teens can do and that it is somewhat "normal" to experiment (but that doesn't make it right or a good idea). What matters is that we teach teens to make educated, informed decisions... and hopefully this will deter them from having sex too young... and if they do have sex, to practice safe sex. I happen to not agree with abstinence-only education, but to each his own.

I support comprehensive sex education both at home and in schools. However, permissive attitudes of parents toward teenage sexual behavior is a risk factor for teenage pregnancy. Providing good information about condom use since the child was 12 or 13 cannot be replaced by a single visit to the OB. And it has to be about condom use. STD's are not prevented by oral, topical, or injected hormones. see page 5 & 6 for risk and preventative characteristics of families.

I agree with mayamay. Unfortunately, there are too many parents who think it is okay to experiment with sex at this age. You are right; she is TOO young. It is not only about STD's and unplanned pregnancies, but more about what it does to an adolescent emotionally. Continue to have conversations with your daughter, tell her father (if she is trying to engage in adult activities, she should be adult enough to face dad), and please take her to the doctors. It would be terrible for her to "experiment" and catch something that she will have to live with for the rest of her life. Good luck!

Thank you all for your comments. I do believe that education and open communication are critical to any parent/child relationship. I will NOT be passive about sex at her age. Just because that is how it was done in the stone age doesn't mean that is how it is/should be now. I had the discussion about the "everyone is doing it" topic. It just isn't true. The issue is that the ones that are doing it are the ones that get talked about and speculated about and then it is assumed that others are. At that age maybe 10% of the couples are actually having sex with another 20% doing sexual things but it seems like more because kids talk about it and rumors spread and it is assumed that more are active than really are. As I said I won't shame her but I want her to know that it shouldn't be expected and that a mature relationship takes time and that trust and communication are important. If you can't talk about sex and be open enough to talk about it being safe than you're not ready to have sex. Not to mention sex changes relationships...from that point forward it dominates the time that they do spend together and it becomes all the relationship is about. They are too young to be able to strike the balance of a real relationship and are way too young to deal with the responsibilities that come with having a sexual relationship. I don't preach abstinence but I do advocate waiting until there is trust, maturity, and respect. That is what I think is lacking in many of the relationships today both young and old. The "everyone is doing it" approach just isn't true.

I agree with sister83,at the end of the day the best thing you can do is make her aware of the pros and cons of having sex at a young age and make sure she has birth control I would choose a more permant thing such as the implant or the coil so there is no chance that she could get pregnant then provide her with condoms, whether your happy with the idea or not she is gun do what she pleases at least if you make her aware of everything and make it safe you have piece of mind that she is not gun come home pregnant or with STIs,its big deal to us but to most of todays teenagers its not its just somethin you do