My 14 year old daughter..plz help me - FamilyEducation
My 14 year old daughter..plz help me
06/20/2008 at 08:03 AM

I just need some advice from other woman who may have been through this with there daughter, My daughter is a 14 year old who as far back as I can remember has been a handful, She has always been diffucult and a strong willed child, What I need help with is, When her and I get into a fight, SHe will start throwing out insults, saying things like I hate you, I wish you would die etc, I am not sure what to do, I swear she talks to me like I am her friend, there is NO fear in her whats so ever, I always tell her , I am your mother, dont talk to me like that and of course she doesn't stop. I have no idea what to do when this behvior starts, I end up acting just like her and we go back and forth, We are driving the rest of my family nuts!Please help me with ideas to stop this. Im not sure how to react when this starts, Ive tried to ignore it and it only lasts so long til I start DEFENDING myself, I know this sounds bad, Why do I have to defend my parenting skills to my 14 year old....UGH...HELP!!

 

 

I also have a fourteen yo daughter. My daughter is also very strong willed and independent. She also knows that her actions have consequences. If she was disrespectful priveledges would be taken away and you have to stick to what you say. Don't say for being disrespectful you are losing your phone for 1 week and then give in and give it back to her in 2 days. We talk about respect in our home all the time with her-respect herself, friends, her brother, her parents, grandparents, teachers etc. We have never had a problem with her throwing out insults. If you find yourself getting frustrated ( and believe me I know how frustrated they can make you) send her to her room so both of you can cool down then try to talk to one another later. Tell her how hurt you are when she does that. Good luck!!!!!
cid
5862

Contact your local department of Child Mental Health. They should be able to point you in the right direction. Her behavior is unacceptable.
cid
5867

I know how girls that age can be but perhaps its the topic at hand that is the cause for her response? Id love to say "just punish her" but my mother dishes out insults and degrading comments like no tomorrow and I get defensive as well (just not insulting). Perhaps if she continues with this behavior (which I know is disrespectful) talk to her about why she does it? Maybe you both are doing something wrong? Perhaps both of you need to change what ever you have been doing to fix that.
cid
6145

You both need to earn respect from each other. Can you look deeply into how you talk to your daughter and say that you are faultless? . Can she be reflecting this in her actions?
cid
6147

i think that your daughter needs a good spanking i mean i am a 16 year old mom and i would have never talked to my mom like that cause she would have put me over her knee and gave me a good old fashion spanking and when she tells you that she hates you and says insulting stuff to you right then stop doing things for her like driving her to her friends or giving her things if she doesnt repect you as a mom why should you go out of your way to help her and respect her she needs to give you respect before you give her any she is the child she needs to earn your respect and thats how i look at it keep your head up and stay strong
cid
6182

i know exactly what you mean. My daughter was acting the same way i took her tv, stereo,ipod, computer away. Everytime she argued with me and she wouldn't listen, that was one more thing i took away from her and soon she realized she had no control over that. I had to let her know that i am the adult and not her and that she was not going to control me. Even when she was nice to me just to earn her stuff back. You have to hold strong as hard as it is and let her know you are not going to let her try and control you. Good luck
cid
6234

Gosh, does THAT sound familiar! From what I've read, heard, etc., you must stay her parent, not so much her "friend." Of course, that does not mean you cannot do fun things with her. It sounds like a battle of the wills -- are you perhaps trying too hard to "win?" Maybe let her think she has more control over her own decisions. Let her make small decisions -- what to wear, etc. I've learned that arguing is futile -- Also, try going to interesting places with her -- is she interested in anything that you could perhaps do with her? She might be having some issues with friends or school. Try to find out in a subtle way. Also, do not defend yourself; stay calm when she gets hyped up. If you find your anger rising, just walk away. When she's calmer, knock on her door and tell her you'd really like to try to get along better and is she interested in trying too? Ask her. I'll bet you find that she really wants to be close but also wants her independence.
cid
6245

Yes, perhaps her behavior is unacceptable but the parent has to take responsibility too. It takes two to argue. You can't put it all on the teen. :) Learn some parenting skills and each one take responsibility for your own behavior.
cid
6246

Stay strong, you are the parent and things that you do and say will make them unhappy. Remember you are not there to be a friend you are there to be a parent. She will give you a hard time, but in the long run it is good for them.
cid
6331

One of the major discoveries I've had in dealing with my daughters is that the best time to fix the problem is before it gets to the argument stage. Everybody has arguments, but it sounds like the real problem you're having is how you react to each other during the argument. You can't fix that in the heat of the moment, you can only try to control the situation so it doesn't escalate out of control. I spend a lot of time talking to my girls when we're feeling casual and relaxed, and it's at that time I try to teach them about respect, for themselves, for each other and for me. It's a role model thing, and I take pains to show by my actions that I respect what they say and think as well. It lays a good groundwork for when we do experience conflict, because we tend to still communicate in the same way (respectfully), but now it's about the disagreement we're having. It's not a quick fix, but over time it's been very effective. I'll admit, there are times when I have visions of spanking and insults, but that really won't have the effect I'm looking for. I want them to respect me, not fear me.
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6370

I am going through the same struggle you are. My daughter is about to be 14 and I am going through a custody battle. She wants to live with her Dad and her brother is 11 almost 12. Anyway, my therapist suggested I research mother/daughter relationships. This has been helpful because now I know it is the age. It kills me when I hear "I never want to see you again" or "I hate You." My heart breaks! jill in CT
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6404

MY DAUGHTER IS AND WAS THE SAME WAY!!! SHE SAID TO ME SHE DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE AND DOESN'T CARE WHAT I TAKE AWAY... SO WHILE SHE WAS AT SCHOOL I GOT BOXES AND BOXED ALL HER STUFF UP EVERYTHING EXCEPT HER CLOCK , CLOTHES HER BED AND A BRUSH AND 2 PAIRS OF SHOES. I EVEN TOOK HER MAKE-UP CURTAINS LEFT THE BLINDS.. I TOOK HER MAKE-UP FIRST THEN I PACKED UP HER ROOM.I ALSO FORMED A CHORE LIST MONDAY DISHES TUESDAY LIVING ROOM WEDNESDAY BATHROOM AND SO ON IF SHE DID HER CHORES AND DID NOT TALK BACK. SHE WOULD EARN ONE BOX AT A TIME AND ONLY WHEN SHE GOT EVERYTHING BACK COULD SHE COULD START GOING TO FOOTBALL GAMES OR HAVING FRIENDS OVER. THIS TOOK PROBABLY 3 WEEKS ONCE UNGROUNDED IF SHE SAID NO TO ME SHE WENT STRAIGHT TO HER ROOM FOR THE EVENNING THE NEXT DAY THEN WE START ALL OVER.WE ALSO GOT COUSELING VERY IMPORTANT MOVE IT REALLY HELPS. SHE IS DOING MUCH BETTER NOW.BUT STILL TESTS ME VOLUNTEERING AT YOUR LOCAL HOSPITAL IS A GOOD IDEA TO
cid
8293

just FYI. All caps is hard for some of us to read.
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8297

Good for you for taking positive action. It took my daughter to age 24 to realize she had wasted a lot of time during which we could have been having a great relationship. She is now back living with me after a 5 year bad relationship with a controlling and then abusive b/f and we are finally very close and get along great. Unfortunately she had to be treated very badly by someone to see how good she had really had it. Hang in there and Good luck!
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8323

Some Mental Health agencies offer parenting classes dealing with teens...also educational/therapy programs...check with your local agency. Also try talking to her when she is calm...find out what you can do to help her...use I statements...like I feel frustrated or disrespected when we talk like this...take a walk with her...go shopping together... Back when I was her age I got spanked...I never back talked or was disrespectful after that...but now a days they frown on this...good luck...donnaj
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8372

my daughter is also 14 and out of controle does not care about school flunking her classes so angry all the time hangs out with tough kids and gets in 2 fights all that time i dont no what 2 do
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11014

I also have a 14 year old. She lives with Her dad has no respect for him or me. When her dad is asleep She goes out with Her friends come back the next morning. does not want to go to school. I have taken her phone, which i pay for. but she does not care She says She has no guilty feelings, She does not care at all.
cid
17582

i havent gone through this as a mom but i rember doing this with my mom.....sadly. agree dont argue. she say i wish u were dead...say yea me too. she say i hate you..you say well you dont have like me. the more you arguee the more she knows it bothers you, that is all she is getting at. dont forget you are parent and now that she getting up there and almost a adult....if she really steps outa line there are groups that the police work with in showing kids how the real world is. like if she gets violent.....have them arest her (not for real though) some volinter police stations will do that.
cid
17617

My 14 year old seems to be very rebelious. Especially in the past few days. Picking fights with her 12 year old brother, fighting with me where she always knows better. I had 5 children, 4 girls and 1 boy, I have been divorced now for 3 years nd I only have my 14 year old girl and my 12 year old boy left at home, others are old enough to be on thier own now.Anyway I do have custody of my children, and thier father has his visitation every 1st, 2nd, and 4th weekend of the month, but he has yet to abide by the court order and spend time with our children. In the past 2 years he has seen our kids 4 times, but then in return tells everyone, including thekids that I keep him away from his kids. I know this is not true, and I only wish he would pick them up and spend time with them, cuz kids need thier daddy as well as thier mommys. He does drink alot and that is the reason were not together, and that is his cover-up because he is also not allowed to drink around the kids,but all 4 times he had the kids,he did drink. So he has also violated all court orders as well.I want him to be the daddy my kids deserve, but not where I gotta worry if he's gonna drink and drive with my children either,where they could be hut or even worse.My daughter and my son hurt very much over this, I know they do, but everytime my daughter and I don't see eye to eye she insists she's going to live with her dad and she can do so because she is now 14 and she says she's old enough to choose. I am in such fear of this, the man also has 5 D.U.I.'s and I'm so afraid the judge would grant her, he wish. She defends him to the highest{her dad}. I know her as well as my son are definatly seeking his love, but he don't even keep a visit, and the 4 times he did, they came back home so awful, I cried for days.and it took me awhile to bring Things back to normal.I am kinda greatful he don't pick them up at times like he should, but if he could do wht he's supposed to do as a daddy, they wouldn't miss him so much, where they feel they want to live with him.I don't drink, I don't drug, and I just love being a mother, but lately, I don't know if I wanna crawl out of my bed in the morning at times becaues I'm afraid of what the day is gonna throw at me today. Obviously he has a drinking problem, and it's not a social drunk, It's everyday. Not to mention his wife, as a mail lady is as bad as him at drinking.I feel seeking counceling would be an option, because I want my children to understand, not feel alone, but I want my kids to be happy. I GOD knows how hard I am trying. It's now 3am. and I can't sleep because I continue to worry about my children's feelings of hurt and rejection from thier father. And I know how they feel, becase years ago, I was also that child. Both my parents were ongoing fighting alcoholics. They were divorced but they still can't be in the same room together nd they are divorced for 42 years. My daughter is really acting out whre she is now purposly acting out in order to give me reason to be upset with her, including hitting her 12 year old brother at times, or teasing him on things, even at thier school.Lowering his self-esteem in front of his friends to imbarrase him, saying things that aren't even true. And it's just so he comes home to tell me and to get upset. I have talked with her teacher because she has problems with other kids in school. I've talked with her guidence officer today and he told me to play reverse scicology and tell her I want her to go to her dad's cuz she'll only end up coming back to me anyway.But what if something would happen to her, and I wouldn't be there to protect her? I would never forgive myself. God!! I love her and her siblings with all my heart but don't know what to do anymore. The past 6 days have been very emotional on me as well as my son, she has been so hard to live with, and I feel I tried everything with her.... I grounded her, I took things away from her,I had to physically walk her to her room, because when I told her to go to her room, she told me NO. God, I don't even hit my kids, but at times I feel like I could, with her. And I don't want to. What could I do so she don't blame me anymore for her dads actions...........Michele.....not to menton how all one I'm feeling in my life lately, because she doesn't even care where she's at hen she starts her yelling and carrying on at muself or her brother...
cid
25107

DO NOT take the advice you got. That could very well backfire on you and cause more problems for your child and for you. Get her in some kind of therapy, family therapy can be very helpful in this situation. Have you asked her older sisters for input?
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25114

I have experienced the other side and although my kids are not yet teenagers. I can't forget those awful teen years and all the fights with my mother. Still to this day I have a less than ideal relationship with my mother and my mother and my grandmother still fight like crazy. As I grew up I learned when to fight my battles and when to walk away. Without knowing what else is going on in your life, I would say that first as a mom, you have to be the adult. We all hate being the adult and want to be the fun and cool mom, but it is necessary. Send her to her room or have an adult friend or relative take her for an hour or two until you cool down. Your daughter does not have to like or love your very much right now, but you still have to love her, which is hard considering the remarks. But when she hates you the most, is when you need to love her the most. Once you are cooled down, figure out some appropriate punishment, such as she isn't going to a friend's house or whatever is going to work for her. Team up with dad, if he is in the picture and get his support. Both of you need to administer this punishment together if possible. State exactly why this is happening and expect a negative reaction. Stand your ground. You are older and have learned from more mistakes than she has. You are the mom, she doesn't have to like you, but you have to love her. Break the cycle now, because the older she gets and the more you allow, the more likely she will have what I have. A mom she feels like she can't trust or turn to and she will have to find an alternative source for motherly advice. I hate the relationship my mom and I have, but I accept it and try to keep it positive. I have great friend, who has helped me more than my mom is able to. Also, do things together that you both like that require you to work together, but be the mom and don't be the friend. sknc78
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25185

JUST PUT HER O N [PUNISHMENT TAKE AWAY ALL OF HER
cid
25204

i agree also, i am pregnant and 13, if i would have evr talked to my mom like that i wudve been in deep stuff but i kno exactly how far to go with my mom before i know that its coming to me. but basically she needs to understand that shes gone way too far and she doesnt know her stopping point
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25244

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cid
25251

lol.. just tell her that the best way to tell when a person has lost a argument is that they result to insults.. so now that she is hauling them out it is very clear that the discussion is over and you were the clear winner. it may force her to hold off just to try to go for the win..not that she can as the parent you always have trump.. then tell her that no is a complete sentence that is nothing left to discuss.. but here is the question why are you coming down to her level to argue in the first place?
cid
25469

I have been given this advice before! Her behavior is like this very often and it is comforting to know that other families are going through the same thing. I will try this approach!
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29718

I have seen a similar situation with my niece and her mother. While we as adults demand respect from the kids demand that too. Always keep your calm when talking to them and talk slowly so that you do not utter even a single loud or demeaning word. And when you see that its getting unbearable just move into another room or change the topic. After a week or two they will get used to it and respond politely. Secondly, if you have a bitter relationship with some other adult in the same household then try avoiding any conversation with them in front of kids.
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29731

I also have 14 yr old , she does not want to take pride in her body or hygiene at this time. But my mom says this will change. She has ADD and can not keep her room neat. My other problem is organization skills. I need some help! Total transformation.com is what my mom told me to get. I ordered it and waiting.
cid
30420

I'm not a Mom but, I'd go find some professional help with my obviously defective and inadequate parenting. re: Im not sure how to react when this starts, Ive tried to ignore it and it only lasts so long til I start DEFENDING myself, I know this sounds bad, Why do I have to defend my parenting skills to my 14 year old....UGH...HELP!! jim: You are still emotionally a child so you need some counseling or a therapist to learn functional coping skills. I'd get into an Anger Management workshop.
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30787

I have a daughter of 14 who is now constantly threatening everyone in my household including myself she has always had a very independent and aggressive streak about her, but since her father walked out when she was 3 her behaviour has gradually gotten worse she has already bitten, kicked, punched and very nearly knocked me out I am at a loss to what to do I am getting to the point where I am scared of what she will do to me and her brothers can someone please help me because I am nearly at breaking point
cid
30956

Like most of the others have said try some punishments like spanking, grounding, or taking away privileges. Eventually she will get that she is being disrespectful and stop. That's what happened to me and I have full privileges and everything. From time to time she may get an attitude which is normal for teenagers. And if that doesn't work do what your parents would do to you whenever you did that kind of stuff. If she starts using foul language with you wash her mouth out with soap. Hope this helped.
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31342