HELP!/violent teen - FamilyEducation
HELP!/violent teen
05/13/2009 at 13:23 PM

Sorry for the lengthy story....My 14 yr old son has tendancies of violent outbursts and chronic "white lies". This young man is not my biological son. He and his sister came to live with us 2 years ago when their father died. They do have a mother but she has not been a part of their life by her choice.
Back to my boy, he is an A/B average in school, very active in sports (weight lifting,football,disc),very liked by everyone and active in our church.I must add that he is a legend in his own mind. He brags on himself constantly.He normally strives to be the best at everything with everyone including my husband and I. We praise him for all we see that is good but when he is caught in a lie,(quite often) or repremended, he often becomes violent natured. By the way...this is usually only with me when my husband isn't around. He is 5'9" and 220lbs. I am 4'11 and small.He pushed me backwords last yr when I got in his face because he was screaming at me. He pushed me down in front of my 10 yr old last summer too and he has always blamed me for his reasoning and actions of anger. But does seem to apologize later after he has calmed down.
Yesterday,he started yelling and flinging his arms and said he was going to beat up a boy that grabbed his sister(age 16) and I told him he wasn't going to do that. Then he yelled at me asking me what was I going to do about it,I sent him to his room where he proceeded to yell and beat things. This turned into me telling him to calm down and I did tell him he was acting like a fool and he got in my face and told me that I was the fool and started hitting himself in the chest and flinging his arms at me. He has violent body language when he is angry. This made me so angry that I actually had a moment of violent thoughts myself so I walked away and left him in his room to throw his fit. He scares me at times with his yelling and body language. I dont let him know this though. He blamed me for the whole incident when my husband got home and his reasoning for his actions was "I wasn't listening to him."
He was video taped with a cell phone at school hitting a boy and knocking him to the ground so others could hit and kick the boy. He had charges filed against him but nothing ever became of it. Then just recently,he came to me telling me he was being provoked to anger at school and wanted to fight but I told him to take the problem to the principal and he did and the right thing happened, So now...he flips his switch back to the violent side yesterday. I could go on and on but I will stop here and ask for sugestions on what to do. I think part of the problem may be because his mom denied him and his syblings and he has no respect for women. Help?!

I suggest you enroll him in a good traditional martial arts program with a marine drill sergeant type for an instructor, someone who will take him on and teach him respect for CONTROLLED violence. Interview the instructor first and only hire one who will address your concerns with this boy.

This young man’s outbursts are controlled by him as a way to try and control how you treat him while his father is not around. Though you say that you do not let him know that you are scared of him, there is no doubt that he knows he is intimidating you. His bragging on himself is a sign of a low self esteem. He needs constant reassurance even if it is from himself. His bullying at school is another way to build himself up in his own mind. You have a bully on your hands, a sheep in wolves clothing. How is his father going about stopping this behavior? Every battle that he perceives to win against you only makes him stronger in his own mind. His actions towards you by placing his hands on you are not minor incidents. Physical contact out of anger should never be tolerated. For other children to witness their mother being treated in such a way is inexcusable. This needs to be stopped before it gets worse.

Right on, SnglDad! As a step-parent who had endured this kind of abuse, it will continue to get worse unless some drastic action is taken. His father needs to stand up to his son in a positive manner or you should never be alone with this child again until his behavior is under control.

Unknown What I have found with people who flare up easily, that by nature they are very goodhearted people, but on the other hand they are very sensitive too. They will also accuse everybody even their loved ones and closest relatives that they don't respect,love, or care for them. When they are in a good mood they will do anything for you that you should be happy too. But you can't know when you will say the next comment and they will get so insulted that they will have a fit. The best thing is to leave the room let them calm down a bit and then excuse yourself ask forgiveness and when he wants to listen to you again that's when you can have a heart to heart talk and show them where they went wrong. These people will then apologize but will only last until the next flareup. They need to recognize themselves that these temper outbreaks lead them to no where and have to badly want to help themselves. No one can do it instead. Good luck

I think everyone has a good pt here. Dad needs to definitely step up to the plate and do something before someone gets seriously hurt. The martial arts idea is good too. I wld even suggest counceling for your family w/ a trained psychologist. This may be a behavior/anger problem that can be corrected w/ appropriate discipline, or it may be something more that needs to be looked into further. There's no doubt that bio mom's abandonment of her children has contributed greatly to this boy's issues. How is his sister coping w/ all this?

Funny you should ask about his sister. The first year with her was very difficult. Then last June she pretty much told me that I was a wacko and got in my face and the situation turned violent and physical. Please note that her brother is very large and she is just my size so when she went for me...I defended myself. Thank God that my 21 year old biological daughter was here to break us up.I called Child Protective Services and they took her and let her move in with a "friend" from school. The place she moved to allowed her to drink, do drugs, have sex, etc. and she got into some trouble and CPS picked her up again and called me to ask if I would take her back. I agreed to on a temporary bases with counceling and now she has turned into the most respectable person. I actuall think sending her away from here made her see what life on the other side was all about and she decided she likes a structered home better. She is still here! I often wonder if maybe that would help her brother apprecaite what he has.

You need to figure out an age-appropriate plan with your husband so that he will know that what he has been doing now is not tolerated. He need to understand that getting violent will not stop you from enacting some punishments. If need be, take him to a professional to get some help. Dealing with a violent teen is not easy, so hang in there. :)

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