HELP...Daughters Boyfriend's mother is a Whacko! - FamilyEducation
HELP...Daughters Boyfriend's mother is a Whacko!
10/20/2009 at 18:36 PM

I really need some sound advice or some objective commentary if you have the time. I have a 16 year old daughter that has a boyfriend since last April. My daughter is a straight-A student, belongs to National Honor Society, and she's also a working model....drop dead gorgeous. This is a teen who pretty much has it all inside and out. Her boyfriend is also 16, they go to the same High School, and he is also a good student. So, what's my issue? What do you do when your daughter's boyfriend has a mother that seems completely insane? I mean a real whack-job. This lady is just unreal. She is a single mother with the exception that she's on her third marriage to some guy from the Czech Republic that I have never seen and he does not live with her. I think this was a "green card" marriage but I can't be sure. Weird. Then, after meeting this lady one time, she thinks she's my best friend and keeps calling my house and leaving voice mail messages on my phone that are 20 minute long conversations. She also sounds either drunk or three sheets to the wind when she does this! She told me that her son's father is gay so she ended their marriage and left him. The boy's father is not in the picture because of this. Then she also told me she was a cocaine addict before her son was born and that she has Multiple Sclerosis now and can't work. She collects disability and I recently found out she takes the drug methadone. Isn't that for drug users to prevent withdrawals??? I am simply at my wits end with the weirdness. Her son is completely against drugs, drinking, smoking, and won't even take a Tylenol for a headache if he has one. He has told my daughter that he takes liquor bottles from his mother and pours them out down the sink and that his dad is NOT gay. He said his mother is a liar.

Recently, her son and my daughter watched a movie at our house over the weekend. These two are never left unsupervised by a parent. When the movie was over, I offered to drive the boy home (about a minute up the street)and he said that he would walk home and that his mom was waiting for him. The next day, I get a call from the mother and she was livid about how I let her son walk home at night and that he was told that she was coming to pick him up at our house. Not once did the boy tell me this or let me know that his mother never wants him walking home...I have to drive him. The mother told me it's because she was raped when she was 17 while walking home and that her son could be killed, taken, shot at, etc. I have to tell you that I was a bit stunned here. First of all, we do not live in the slums over here by any means. The boy literally lives up the street and he's 16 years old. Secondly, this happened to her in Brooklyn, NYC in 1978 and it's the first I heard of it. I'm not even sure this is true. I told her that her son said he was going to walk home because she was waiting up for him. I didn't question it because I didn't think I had a reason to. Turns out, her son lied to me and did not tell me that his mother was supposed to pick him up. I got screamed at one minute by the crazy mother and in the next breath, she's asking me how to discipline her son because he's disrespectful, has anger issues, tries to shove her, and throws things when he's disciplined. I nearly fell over when she told me this!!! My daughter is dating this guy???? Who is this person???

I have never seen any of this behavior in the months that my daughter has dated this boy. He is kind, adores my daughter, he's respectful, and he does treat her very well. They have never had a fight or disagreement since they met. Could this kid be a Jekyll and Hyde or what am I supposed to think? The mother is completely nuts....but to tell me all this stuff about herself and her son? Who does this?
Right now, I am really upset about all this stuff I am hearing and about how weird and wacky this boy's mother is. What should I do? I told my daughter that if he ever lays a hand on her in a violent way or out of anger, her father and I will not let that go and it is never okay for that to happen...EVER!! She understood this but assures me that he has never even done anything like that. Quite the opposite from what we see and what she tells us. What would you do if you were me? I need some solid advice!! I am completely confused!!

As long as your daughter's boyfriend continues to treat her well and they are under constant supervision, she should be allowed to continue to see this young man. Do not judge him by his mother's negative behavior. My daughter-in-law's family is odd, not to the extent you describe but still out there. Before she and my son got married, she told me how much she appreciated being a part of our family and seeing that she could have a different life. She moved in with me and my daughter when my son was in college to get away from her family and told us she did not know how she would have ended up without our example. This may be the case with your daughter's b/f. Even if they do not end up together, this young man will have had the benefit of having been part of a stable family and learning how to have a more normal life. From your description it sounds like this young man has a chaotic life and is making good choices in order to have a better life for himself. He deserves the chance to continue to prove himself. You have raised your daughter well and she sees the good in this young man. The fact that they are willing to have a supervised relationship speaks highly of them both. As for his mother, change your phone # and do not continue to listen to her rantings. Many people with deep issues are validated by telling their stories to others. Do not continue to allow yourself to be pulled into her web.

I would add that whenever the b/f is at your home and is about to head home, insist on giving him a lift. And yes, do change your phone number. The decrease in call/message related stress is worth the fee to change the number. Sounds like your daughter is a great kid! Good Job.

Please update us on your situation when you get the opportunity. Hope all is going well.

I want to thank everyone who helped me when I initally wrote on this forum about the wacky mother that belongs to my daughter's boyfriend. Please see my earlier post on here for the full story. There were some things I could do to help the problem and others that would not work. I could not change my phone number as it would have complicated things on our end with family and friends, not to mention, the boyfriend would have the number anyway and his mother would eventually gain access to it as well. That idea had to be let go. I did tell the mother that I no longer want to hear about issues between her and her son and that I am not her parenting advocate for him. She needs to raise him and I will raise my own children, thank you. it seemed to work for awhile and then she recently found out that I did not like her last rant about the "walking home" issue and that i thought she was nuts. I have a feeling that her son clued her in to the fact that i don't like the drama she provides or the weirdo stories that come to me via phone calls. When he told her this, she went nuts and has now called my house for the past three days and is leaving 4-5 minute voicemails on my phone. She sounds like she is either three sheets to the wind or just plain out of it too! At the tail end of one message, she spent a minute talking to her cat on my phone! This is unreal. I saved the messages and played them to my husband. He does nothing and just thinks that she is asking for a friendship. I can be friends with people but this lady is a real weirdo and I do not see myself being "friends" with her. She is annoying, strange, and just plain whacko! I did not return any of these messages that she left. Do you think that I should or just keep ignoring her? I did take everyone's advice and have continued to allow the boyfriend to be involved with my daughter and also visit our home to see her. I do realize that he doesn't want to be like his mother and that he is embarrassed by her and her weirdness. He tells me this. I don't talk badly to him about his mom even though I think she's a nuisance. I know that would be wrong and hurtful so I deal with it on my own. I guess I'm going to have to take a real weird and strange entity being part of my life in exchange for my daughter's happiness with her boyfriend at this time. Part of me cringes when I think about it and on the flip-side, I realize my daughter is 15 1/2 and hopefully this romance won't make it the long haul of her teenage life. That's what I can report to you guys as of right now. What do you think of all this?

OKay ... first hand knowledge. Tell your daughter, whoever you date ... if you end up with them you end up with their family. If he does that stuff to his Mom, which WHY would even a crazy lady lie about that, he WILL do it to your daughter. That is the way that it works.